Thinking Aloud: Life Sure Is An Odd Duck, Ain’t It.

Well, Ain’t It?

Sure It Is.

My Life Has Always Been Of The Odder(er) Sort.

I’m The Guy That Everything Just Happened To.

If Something Bad Was Possible, I Took The Brunt.

If Something Good Was Possible, Chances Are It Eventually Did Happen In Some Small Way.

If Something In-Between Was Possible, Chances Are I Got The Far-Far-Far-Worse Side Of It.

But, I’m Not Really In The Mood To Complain.

I’m More Of A Mind To Quickly Say “THANK YOU” To You, My Peeps.

I Have My Reasons For Saying “THANK YOU” To You, And I Know I’ll Be Talking About Them More And More As Time Rolls Onward.

But, For Now, For This Moment, I’m Just A Thankful Man.

A Lot Of People Have Tried, And Have Done Their Bestest(est) To Help Carry Me Through These Past Few Years.

As Of Late Monday Afternoon, I Was Informed That A Longstanding Battle I’ve Been Fighting Has Finally Been Resolved.

It Has Been Resolved In MY Favor.

I Won.

My Life Of Hell And Bullshit And Sickness And Poor-Health And More And More Sickness, And Pain, And Suffering, And Blah Blah Blah, And Yakity Schmakity, Has Finally Paid-Off.

At Least, In Regard To This ONE Little Victory.

However, It Makes Me Feel Best Because FINALLY Someone Took Notice That Was In A Position To Do Something About It.

And, They Sided In My Favor.

I’m Elated,

I Feel An Enormous Sense Of Relief.

The 18,000lbs Elephant, With The 800lbs Gorilla Riding Said Elephant, Feel Lifted From Me.

Now I Just Need To Get This Pesky Monkey Off My Damned Back…

…And Perhaps This Chip Off Of My Shoulder…

…Oh, And The Thorn In My Side…

…Uh…

…Yeah…

…Nevermind.

But, Yes, “THANK YOU” Again, Everyone.

Now, Maybe Life Really Can Start Again.

Or, Hopefully, Continue Just Improving And Improving, Bit By Bit.

That Would Be Most Acceptable.

😉     😀     🙂

When Remembering Turns To Dwelling Turns To Suffering…

…You Know You‘re Fu*ked.

—At This Moment, I‘m Writing Just To Watch Myself Write.

I‘ve Slept Less Than 35–Hours In The Past 10–Nights COMBINED.

I‘m Irritable.

I‘m Sullen And Moody.

I‘ve Lost 15–LBS In That 10–Day Span.

I Don‘t Understand Why I Let Myself Get This Depressed.

I Know I Do It To Myself.

It‘s My Own Fault.

But, I‘M Not My Own Fault.

I Know That.

I Never Have Been.

I Was Created And Shaped By Events In My Life That Have Seriously Fu*ked-Me–Up.

Why Can‘t I Shake This?

Why Does The Past Still Cling To Me Like The Stench Of Death?

It Haunts My Day–To–Day Existence.

I Know Why.

BECAUSE I LET IT.

Period.

MY BAD.

It‘s These Memories.

I Can‘t Handle Them As Well As I‘d Like To.

As Well As I SHOULD.

It‘s Honestly Maddening.

It‘s Hard.

It‘s So Very VERY Hard.

I Go From Day To Day Seeing No Benefit From It All.

I‘ve…

…Sheesh…

…I‘ve Become My Own Worst Enemy.

Just As I Was Always TOLD I Would Be.

Just As I Always KNEW I Would Be.

It Happens To Us All At Some Point, Sure.

It’s Life.

It‘s LIVING Life.

My Moments Of Weakness And Horror Come To Me Like Flashes.

As Images.

Images A Person Should Never See.

No One.

The Thoughts Linger.

The Ill–Feelings They Cause Linger Longer.

Am I Having An Identity Crisis?

Whatever It Is, It‘s Hanging On Way Way WAY Tooo Long.

Talking To People Is Becoming More And MORE Difficult.

There Are A Couple Key People I‘d Love To Talk To.

They Just Don‘t Want To Talk To Me.

Sometimes, I Break Down And Simply MUST Talk To Someone.

Those Are The Moments When I‘m Feeling My Worst.

When I Know Something‘s Wrong Inside, And I Need To Make An Outside Connection Before I Snap.

I Feel The Worst, Though, When I Do Have To Ask For Help.

But, At The Point I Start Talking, I‘m Already Scraping The Bottom Of The Barrel For The Oxygen I Need To Survive.

I Am.

It Gets Hard To Breathe.

I Start Feeling Sorry For Myself.

I Lose Personal Control.

I Become Someone Else.

Someone I Truly Am NOT.

A Whining…

…Crying…

…Sniveling…

…Used–To–Be.

I Know I’m Only 30‘ish‘ish.

Some Attempt To Push Upon Me That I‘m Still Far Too Young To Deal With Shit As I Do.

But, Everyone‘s Different…

…Correct???

Everyone‘s Got Their Own Stopping And Starting Point.

Their Own Breaking Point.

I Guess Mine Was Just A Bit Earlier In Life Than Some Others.

I Know I Don‘t Have It That Bad.

It‘s Not Like Someone Close To Me Has Died, Or Is Dying.

It‘s Simply The Past.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Beat.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Escape From.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Come To Terms With.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Let Go Of And Move On From.

And It‘s Destroying My Present.

I Guess Some Of This Is Normal, Right?

Thinking Of It All Has Just Brought Me Down So Much.

I Just Feel Very Alone, At Times.

But, I Do Understand That Life Could Be Much Worse.

Sadly…

…My Once Remarked–Upon Eyes Are Heavy, Dark, And Tired.

My Hopeful Outlook Has Turned Bleak.

Yet, Despite It All, I Survive.

MAYBE It All Has Made Me Stronger In Some Ways?

But, At What Personal Cost?

With Age And Experience Has Also Come Fear…

…Hate…

…Despair.

Where I Once Felt Love, I Now Feel Bitterness.

Where I Once Felt Alive, I Now Feel Drained.

Where I Once Cared About Life, I Now Resent It.

So Sad, Yet, So True.

It Just Pisses Me Off To No Extent.

When Wonderful Memories Become Jaded With Time.

I Swear, It Literally Makes Me Sick.

What I Wouldn‘t Give For A Moment‘s Peace.

A Clear Mind.

A Quiet Mind.

I Know I Have Some Amazing Moments Stored In My Brain–Case.

I‘ve Just Become To Bitter To See Them.

*** ***

PLEASE, My Peeps…

…Don‘t Be Alarmed By Anything I‘ve Said.

It‘s Just A Downer Moment For Me, And I‘m Allowing You To Experience It With Me.

I Guess I Just Wanted To Vent A Bit, As I Often Do When I Get Like This.

As I‘ve Said To Y‘all Before…

…Sometimes, It‘s Not Just The BEST Therapy…

…It‘s The ONLY Therapy.

Right???

RIGHT!!!—

“PITY…”

“…Is The Feeling Which Arrests The Mind In The Presence Of Whatsoever Is Grave And Constant In Human Sufferings, And Unites It With The Human Sufferer.”

—JAMES JOYCE

{{1882–1941}}

<|POET|>

<|WRITER|>

<|AUTHOR|>

<|NOVELIST|>

<|PHILOSOPHER|>

Does Life Get Any Easier After A Difficult Admission?!?

In Short…

…Maybe?

It’s Very New To Me, So I’m Still Trying To Handle It.

I Risked A Lot, I Believe.

I Risked Losing One Of The Very Best People I Know, Simply Because I Found I Cared For Them Much More Than I’d Ever Expected To.

How Do You Tell Someone You Love That You Really Do Love Them, Knowing Ahead Of Time The Best Response You’re Bound To Receive Is “I Know“???

It’s Not Easy.

Not By Any Stretch Of The Imagination.

In Fact, At The Time, It Was Painful.

I Just Had A Feeling It Wasn’t Going To Go Over Well.

Honestly, I Expected It To Go Over Like A Turd In The Punch-Bowl.

Lucky For Me, The Person I’m Speaking Of Cared More About Our Friendship Than Even I Knew.

I Did Get The “I Know“ But I Also Got An “It’s Alright“ And An “I Understand“…

…Neither Of Which Was I Honestly Expecting.

I Just Knew I Was About To Lose Someone Very Important To Me Because I Cared About Them Way Too Much.

But, I Didn’t.

I Didn’t Lose Them.

In Fact, I Think Our Bond Will Be Even Stronger.

Now That They Know How I Feel, I Don’t Feel The Enormous Weight Pressing Upon Me.

I Don’t Feel The Desperation.

The Want, The Need, To Just Say Something.

I Had Made The Choice To Suffer In Silence For A Long Time Over This.

Perhaps That Part Was A Mistake?

Maybe?

But, Honestly, I Don’t Think So.

I Think The Suffering Part Actually Helped.

Once I Was Finally Able To Work-Up The Courage To Say Something…

…I Went For It.

I Said It.

And I Made Sure I Was Understood.

Now That We’re All Clear On It, I Feel So Much Better.

Well, Better Than I Have For A While.

A Long While.

I’ve Made So Many Mistakes Along The Way.

Mistakes I Can Never Take Back, Nor Ever Be Forgiven For.

I’ve Hurt Some Important People In My Life, While I Was Struggling With My Own Pain And Hurting.

I Suppose One Could Say I Was Projecting My Anguish Onto Others?

I Was Making Others Suffer As I Suffered.

And I Can’t Justify It.

Not. A. Bit. Of. It.

So Now, I’m Left Wondering What The Next Step Is?

Where Do I Go From Here?

In All Honesty, My Peeps, I Haven’t The Foggiest.

I Know Life Will Never Be Easy…

…But Perhaps Now It Will Be A Little Easier?

Maybe?

I’ll Take A “Maybe?” At This Point, Fo SHO!

😉

“I Would Rather Believe Something, And Suffer For It, Than To Slide Along Into Success Without Opinions.” –JAMES A. GARFIELD

-<<JAMES A. GARFIELD>>-

-<<1831–1881>>-

-<<Our 20TH PRESIDENT Of The UNITED STATES Of AMERICA>>-

“Although The World Is Full Of Suffering…”

“…It Is Also Full Of The Overcoming Of It.”

—HELEN KELLER

-={1880–1968}=-

-={AUTHOR}=-

-={LECTURER}=-

-={POLITICAL ACTIVIST}=-

“We Are Healed Of A Suffering Only By Experiencing It To The Full.” –MARCEL PROUST

-<>MARCEL PROUST<>-

-<>(1871–1922)<>-

-<>WRITER<>-

-<>CRITIC<>-

-<>ESSAYIST<>-

-<>NOVELIST<>-

“Life Is Full Of Misery, Loneliness, And Suffering…”

“…And It’s All Over Much Too Soon.”

—WOODY ALLEN

(1935–Present)

–ACTOR–

–DIRECTOR–

–MUSICIAN–

–WRITER–

“Absence And Death Are The Same…”

“…Only That In Death There Is No Suffering.“

—THEODORE ROOSEVELT

(1858–1919)

–OUR 26TH PRESIDENT Of THE UNITED STATES Of AMERICA–

–He Served The Office Of PRESIDENT From 1901 To 1909–