So, I’ve Had A String Of Overtly Off Moments, Lately…

…And Tonight It Has Really Snowballed Into A Very Deep Depression.

I Know Most Say You Shouldn’t Write For Publication At Times Like These, But, In This Case, It Can’t Be Helped.

It’s Not Your Usual Depression About Your Usual Mundane Bullshit.

Not This Time, Anyway.

For Those Of You Whom Have Read Me For The Past (almost) Two Years, You Know That, While I Do Acquaint Myself With Other People On Occasion, I Generally Spend Most Of My Time Alone.

I Live In My Head, And Am Generally Not The Best Of Company.

I Tend To Be Really Quiet,,, ,,,Except When I Laugh.

I Get My Money’s Worth When I Do Bellow Out A Jolly One.

Aside From My Eyes, My Best Feature May Actually Be That Laugh.

I Even Snort… …On Occasion.

That Generally Means I’ve Laughed Too Hard.

Sadly, Aside From The Time I Spend With Someone Very Special To Me, I Tend To Not Laugh At All.

I Giggle A Bit… …But It’s Internal.

Outwardly, I’m A Tad Cold.

The Problem Is…

...As It Always Is In My World...

…Knowing Some Of Those I Love Most, Are Those Whom Don’t Really Share The Feeling.

I Constantly Get The Feeling Other People Lie And Say They Enjoy My Company, But It’s Only Because They Truly (deep down) Feel Sorry For Me.

Seeing Me Makes Them Realize How Grand Their Life Has The Potential To Be, And Might Already Be.

I’ve Failed At Every Venture I’ve Ever Undertaken.

Every. Single. One.

Alright…

…I Did Win A “First Place Superior” In The 6th Grade Science Fair.

But, They Gave Out Like 10 Of Those.

So, Honestly, It Never Felt Like A True Victory.

Anyway, Sorry, I’m Drifting.

The Point Is…

…I’ve Been The Saddest Boy In The World For The Past 48-Hours, And It’s Literally Driving Me Crazy.

My Thoughts And Feelings Have Been Running Rampant, And They’re Literally Driving Me (even more-so) Crazy!

Can I Pinpoint The Biggest Issue?

Yes.

Can I Do Anything Whatsoever To Correct Said Biggest Issue?

Not. At. All.

I Know They Say You Shouldn’t Worry About What You Can’t Control, But Piss On Them.

They Just Don’t Get It, Or Are Lying To You AND Themselves.

I Can’t Control How I Feel…

…Yet It Constantly Worries The Everlasting Shit Out Of Me.

You Want A Little Detail?

Fine.

I Have TWO (2) Best Friends…

…One Straight, One Gay.

The Straight One I’ve Known Since The Age Of 2yo, And We’ve Been Best Friends Since The Age Of 10yo.

The Gay One I’ve Known For Three Years…

…And I’ve Been In Love With Him For The Past Two.

That’s What Has Me So Depressed, Kiddies.

The Fact That I Can’t Get Myself Over Those Extra Feelings.

Loving Someone Is Important, Especially Someone You Call Your BFF.

But, Being IN-LOVE With Said BFF???

O M F G

I Don’t Even Know Where To Begin On How That Feels.

For The Most Part, It’s A Mix Of Extreme Joy AND Extreme Pain.

I’ve Loved Before, Sure.

I’ve Loved Many People In My 30+Years On Earth.

But, Never Like This.

Never This Strongly.

And, Yes, I Already Know It Has Very Little Chance To Become More Than What It Already Is…

…More Than What We Already Are.

Yet, I Don‘t Waiver.

I Don‘t Stop Feeling As I Do.

I Don‘t Stop Wanting As I Do.

Needing As I Do.

It‘s Insane.

It‘s Killing Me.

It‘s Crushing What Spirit I May Have.

Yet, I Don‘t Waiver.

SOOOOO…

…You Tell Me, My Peeps…

…Am I A Fool, Or Just Being Foolish?

There IS A Difference, You Know… …Riiiiiiiiigh???

RIGHT!!!

My Curiosity Abounds, Kiddies.

Honestly And Truly It Does!

Feeling Brilliant; Feeling Foolish: It Really Is A Fine FINE Line To Travel Upon…

…And Of That There Can Be Little Debate.

Granted, There Are People Whom Can AND Will Debate Anything AND Everything.

To Those People, Honestly, I Say…

“More Power To Ya.”

To The Rest Of Us Whom Teeter-Totter On The Edge Of  The Before Mentioned “Feeling Brilliant” AND “Feeling Foolish” There Really Isn’t Much To Say Other Than…

“It’s Called LIFE. Deal With It. If You Don’t Get One Outcome, You’re ALMOST Assured To Get The Other. It’s Called LIFE.”

2013, Now More Than Half Over, Has Been A Year Filled With BOTH Feelings/Mindsets.

I Do Admit To Having A Few Truly Brilliant Moments, This Year.

True, They May Have Been Situations Where I Was Confident In The Outcome Ahead Of Time AND Was Thus Proved Correct.

But, Honestly, That Feels A Touch Beside The Point.

At Least, For Now. 😉

Sadly, However, 2013 Has Felt More And More AND MORE Like A Year Of Foolishness On My Part.

Family Issues.

Friend Issues.

Relationship Issues.

Personal Issues.

You Name It, Chances Are I Can Equate Whatever It Is Into Yet Another Foolish Moment For Yours Truly.

But, And I’m Curious About This In Many Respects, What Truly Is The Fine Line Between “Brilliance” And “Foolishness”???

Sadly, I Keep Coming Back To The Same One-Word Answer…

“SUCCESS”

Period.

If Something Is A Winner, Chances Are You’ll Be Overtly Contented.

You’ll Be Feeling The Wondrous Side Of A Success, Regardless Of What It Is.

You’ll Most Likely Even Feel A Flash Of “Brilliance” Wash Over You.

But…

…What If You Fail???

What If There Is No Real Success In Whatever It Is You’ve Attempted???

You’ll Be Feeling The Vile Side Of A Lost Chance At A Success…

…And Of That, I Sincerely Have No Doubts.

You Won’t Feel Any Waves Of “Brilliance” Afterward.

No, You’ll Be Feeling As I Do Most Of The Time.

You’ll Be Feeling Like A “Fool” And Feeling Listless In Wonder As To Where You Went Wrong.

I Think That’s Why I Love Baseball So Very Very Much.

It Truly Is More About Failure And Loss.

At Least, More So Than Anything Else.

Winning Is WONDERFUL!

Losing SUCKS ASS!

But, You Don’t Learn Much From Winning, Other Than The Elation Of The Actual Win.

You Do, On The Other Hand, Learn So So SO Much More From Defeat.

Now, I Know You’re All Waiting For Me To Divulge Some Of Said “Foolish” Moments, But I Don’t Really Think I Can.

Not Without Getting Myself, Or Others, In Trouble…

…With Someone…

…Somewhere…

…Be They Person, Or Entity.

Honestly, The Moment I’m Going To Briefly Mention Is A Combo Of BOTH “Brilliance” AND “Foolishness” Like You Wouldn’t Believe.

You See, My Peeps My Friends The Kiddies, I’ve Been Living Through A Self-Imposed EXILE For Almost A Month, Now.

It’s Honestly Killing Me.

I’ve Never EVER Felt So Alone In My Life.

Hell, I Spent A Couple Months In Boot-Camp, Which Was About The Loneliest Time In My Life…

…Until Now.

I Feel So Alone Because I’ve Simply Been Toooooooooooooo Damned Embarrassed To Be Around Other People.

Period.

Other Than My Immediate Family, Only ONE PERSON Has Seen Me AND Spent Time With Me While I’m In This Condition.

For Those Of You Whom Don’t Know…

…I FINALLY GOT MY ORAL SURGERY!

I Got It Last Month.

I’m Literally About Two-Weeks Away From Having A Perfect Smile, Again!

I Couldn’t Be Happier About That Part.

It’s The Waiting In-Between PHASE I And PHASE II That’s The Killer.

I Do Feel Brilliant For Finally Pulling The Trigger, Plunking Down The Money I Can’t Afford To Burn In Any Way, And Getting ALL Of My Teeth Fixed.

Trust Me, Kids, Years And Years AND YEARS Of Acid Erosion Can Be Dentally Devastating.

I’m A Living, Breathing Poster-Board For It.

Sadly, I Also Am Feeling Very VERY Foolish.

Foolish Because I Have, More Or Less, Gone Into Total Hiding.

I Don’t Go Anywhere ((save my morning walks)).

I Don’t Meet Other People.

I Stay As Totally Off The Social Grid As Possible.

I’m Sad, Yes.

I’m Lonely, Yes.

I’m Going Out Of My Mind In The Want/Need To Spend Time With Those Other People I Care Deeply For.

But, As Foolish As This Exile Has Been…

…For Me, Personally Personally, It Has Been Bordering On Brilliant.

I’ve Looked Bad In The Past…

…But I Really Don’t Want People Seeing Me At My Absolute Worst.

I’m Far Toooooo Self-Conscious For That.

So, By Adding The Pains Of Loneliness…

…Sadness…

…And Racing Thoughts…

…It Adds Up To A Bit Of The “Foolish Factor” Feeling.

BUT, By Removing The Pains Of Embarrassment…

…And Extreme Paranoia Due To The Overt Self-Conscious Issues…

…I’m Experiencing A Touch Of The Ole “Brilliance Factor” Feeling, Also.

😀

Sooooooooooooo…

…What Do You Think?

Am I Just Being Foolish??

Or, Is There Even A Hint Of Brilliance To It???

Do YOU Often Feel Like This????

--Yeah. You. In The Back. Pretending Not To Be Reading Over The Other Person's Shoulder.--

Do YOU Often Feel Like This, My Peeps?????

My Curiosity Abounds!

😀       😉       😀

When Remembering Turns To Dwelling Turns To Suffering…

…You Know You‘re Fu*ked.

—At This Moment, I‘m Writing Just To Watch Myself Write.

I‘ve Slept Less Than 35–Hours In The Past 10–Nights COMBINED.

I‘m Irritable.

I‘m Sullen And Moody.

I‘ve Lost 15–LBS In That 10–Day Span.

I Don‘t Understand Why I Let Myself Get This Depressed.

I Know I Do It To Myself.

It‘s My Own Fault.

But, I‘M Not My Own Fault.

I Know That.

I Never Have Been.

I Was Created And Shaped By Events In My Life That Have Seriously Fu*ked-Me–Up.

Why Can‘t I Shake This?

Why Does The Past Still Cling To Me Like The Stench Of Death?

It Haunts My Day–To–Day Existence.

I Know Why.

BECAUSE I LET IT.

Period.

MY BAD.

It‘s These Memories.

I Can‘t Handle Them As Well As I‘d Like To.

As Well As I SHOULD.

It‘s Honestly Maddening.

It‘s Hard.

It‘s So Very VERY Hard.

I Go From Day To Day Seeing No Benefit From It All.

I‘ve…

…Sheesh…

…I‘ve Become My Own Worst Enemy.

Just As I Was Always TOLD I Would Be.

Just As I Always KNEW I Would Be.

It Happens To Us All At Some Point, Sure.

It’s Life.

It‘s LIVING Life.

My Moments Of Weakness And Horror Come To Me Like Flashes.

As Images.

Images A Person Should Never See.

No One.

The Thoughts Linger.

The Ill–Feelings They Cause Linger Longer.

Am I Having An Identity Crisis?

Whatever It Is, It‘s Hanging On Way Way WAY Tooo Long.

Talking To People Is Becoming More And MORE Difficult.

There Are A Couple Key People I‘d Love To Talk To.

They Just Don‘t Want To Talk To Me.

Sometimes, I Break Down And Simply MUST Talk To Someone.

Those Are The Moments When I‘m Feeling My Worst.

When I Know Something‘s Wrong Inside, And I Need To Make An Outside Connection Before I Snap.

I Feel The Worst, Though, When I Do Have To Ask For Help.

But, At The Point I Start Talking, I‘m Already Scraping The Bottom Of The Barrel For The Oxygen I Need To Survive.

I Am.

It Gets Hard To Breathe.

I Start Feeling Sorry For Myself.

I Lose Personal Control.

I Become Someone Else.

Someone I Truly Am NOT.

A Whining…

…Crying…

…Sniveling…

…Used–To–Be.

I Know I’m Only 30‘ish‘ish.

Some Attempt To Push Upon Me That I‘m Still Far Too Young To Deal With Shit As I Do.

But, Everyone‘s Different…

…Correct???

Everyone‘s Got Their Own Stopping And Starting Point.

Their Own Breaking Point.

I Guess Mine Was Just A Bit Earlier In Life Than Some Others.

I Know I Don‘t Have It That Bad.

It‘s Not Like Someone Close To Me Has Died, Or Is Dying.

It‘s Simply The Past.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Beat.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Escape From.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Come To Terms With.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Let Go Of And Move On From.

And It‘s Destroying My Present.

I Guess Some Of This Is Normal, Right?

Thinking Of It All Has Just Brought Me Down So Much.

I Just Feel Very Alone, At Times.

But, I Do Understand That Life Could Be Much Worse.

Sadly…

…My Once Remarked–Upon Eyes Are Heavy, Dark, And Tired.

My Hopeful Outlook Has Turned Bleak.

Yet, Despite It All, I Survive.

MAYBE It All Has Made Me Stronger In Some Ways?

But, At What Personal Cost?

With Age And Experience Has Also Come Fear…

…Hate…

…Despair.

Where I Once Felt Love, I Now Feel Bitterness.

Where I Once Felt Alive, I Now Feel Drained.

Where I Once Cared About Life, I Now Resent It.

So Sad, Yet, So True.

It Just Pisses Me Off To No Extent.

When Wonderful Memories Become Jaded With Time.

I Swear, It Literally Makes Me Sick.

What I Wouldn‘t Give For A Moment‘s Peace.

A Clear Mind.

A Quiet Mind.

I Know I Have Some Amazing Moments Stored In My Brain–Case.

I‘ve Just Become To Bitter To See Them.

*** ***

PLEASE, My Peeps…

…Don‘t Be Alarmed By Anything I‘ve Said.

It‘s Just A Downer Moment For Me, And I‘m Allowing You To Experience It With Me.

I Guess I Just Wanted To Vent A Bit, As I Often Do When I Get Like This.

As I‘ve Said To Y‘all Before…

…Sometimes, It‘s Not Just The BEST Therapy…

…It‘s The ONLY Therapy.

Right???

RIGHT!!!—

The Song Stuck In My Head??? “I Should Have Learned This Lesson Long Ago… …That Friends And Lovers Always Come And Go…” –QUARTERFLASH’s “FIND ANOTHER FOOL” (1981)

“FIND ANOTHER FOOL” Is A Hot HOT Jam From QUARTERFLASH‘s Self-Titled 1981 Debut Album !!!

*

***

///\\\

“…Now You Claim…

…That Everything‘s Okay…

…Well, I‘ve Got Just One Thing To Say…

…Why Don‘t You…

…Find Another…

((Find Another!))

…FIND ANOTHER FOOL To Love You…

…Find Another…

((Find Another!))

…FIND ANOTHER FOOL To Love You…

…Find Another…

…Find Another…

…FIND ANOTHER FOOL To Love You…

…Too Love You…

…Find Another. …”

\\\///

***

*

Alright, My Peeps…

…Let Me Quickly Say, I Don’t Just Listen To This Song…

“FIND ANOTHER FOOL“

by QUARTERFLASH

…When Someone Has Treated Me Foolishly And I Wanna Vent.

No.

I Also Listen To This Song When I’m Dwelling Upon MY Foolishness.

We’ve All Been Foolish In Matters Of Love At One Point Or Another.

Most Especially In Matters Of Love, Honestly.

In Fact…

…It’s In Matters Of Love Where I’ve Suffered Through Many MANY Bad Experiences In My 30’ish’ish Years.

And, I’ve Done So ((ALMOST)) Totally Because Of MY Personal Foolishness.

Then Again, Isn’t That Generally How It Goes?

Is That How It Always Goes For You?

How About You??

And You, There, In The Back???

Yes, And YOU, Also?!?!?

Yeah.

That’s Kinda What I’d Figured.

Our Favorite Game As Human-Being’s Is LOVE.

Always Has Been.

Some Will Quip, “It‘s Not A Game!”

To Those People, I Say “Good On Ya.”

I Also Say, “If You Don‘t Think It’s A Game, Then You‘ve Likely Been Hurt, Or Have Hurt Someone Else, While Playing And You Are/Were Pissed About It.”

To Be Honest, My Peeps, I Don’t Know What Else To Call LOVE.

It’s Always Felt Like A Game.

It Has Losers.

It Has Winners.

It Has First Time Players.

It Has Umpteenth Time Players.

It Has Unskilled Players.

It Has Highly Skilled Players.

It Has The Sheer Bliss Of A Solid Victory.

It Has The Horrid Dejection Of A Terrible Loss.

In Short…

…If It Ain’t A Game…

…What Is It?!?

That’s A Question I Sincerely Struggle With.

Honestly, As I Said, I Don’t Know What Else To Call It.

I Was Hoping To Get A Hand From Y’all, In That Regard.

That’s What We’re Here For, Correct?!

A Learning Experience.

I Know That’s A Big Reason I’m Here.

It’s Not The Only Reason, But It’s An Important One.

Fo Sho???

FO SHO!!!

😉          😀

LOVE, Whether A Thought OR A Feeling, Perpetuates Foolishness.

We Do So Many Foolish Things Whilst Playing Along.

We Do Things.

Things We Either WANT Or DON’T WANT To Do, All Because Of What We Feel, Or Think We Feel, For Someone, Or Something, Else.

Y’all Know I’m Not Slippin’ You Any Jive.

I’m Callin’ It Like It Is.

The Problem With This Wondrous, Beautiful, Vile, Evil, Amazing Thing We Call Love Is This:

“How Do We Know When We‘re Playing, And How Do We Know When We‘re Being Played???”

Yeah.

Exactly My Point, My Peeps.

Honestly, You Don’t Know.

You Don’t Know Until Something Eventful Happens.

“He Said YES!” 😀

“He Said NO!” 😦

“He Said MAYBE SO!” 😐

Any Way It Goes, You Never Know Until Something Happens.

You Never Know Until The Proof Is There.

You Never Know Until It’s Tangible.

And, Even Then, Do You Really Know?

You Think You Do.

Is That Enough?

Sometimes, That Has To Be Enough.

Sometimes, That’s All We Really Have.

Right???

RIGHT!!!

My Advice?

You Kids Just Be Good.

Play Nice.

Try Not To Hurt Anyone, Especially Yourself.

Try Not To Do Anything Toooooooooo Foolish, Ya Hear Me?!?

Now, Go Get ‘Em, Tiger!!!

Good Game… …Good Game.

“NO MAN Was EVER So Much Deceived By Another…”

“…As By HIMSELF.”

—CHARLES GREVILLE

-<>(1794–1865)<>-

/\

//\\

\\//

\/

Have Truer Words Ever Been Uttered?

One Would Be Hard Pressed To Find Any, That‘s Fo SHO.

With How I‘ve Been Feeling Of Late, These Words Are Burning A Hole Right Through Me.

Such Is Life???

Holy Hell, I Hope Not!!!

But…

…It Feels Like A Fool‘s Hope.

Just Sayin‘.

“LOVE And THOSE WE LOVE”

I’m Calling This Piece…

“LOVE And THOSE WE LOVE“

by BRADLEY ALAN

…Ready???

…

… … …

“I Am In Love.

I Have Been For A Long While, Now.

Problem Is, It’s UN-Reciprocated Love.

Meaning: The Person I Love Does In No Way Love Me.

I Wish He Did.

I Wish A Lot Of Things.

But, This Most Of All.

And Yet, I Know It Will Never Happen.

I’m Not His Type.

He Is Mine.

He Is Mine To A Perfect “T”.

When He’s In A Good Mood…

…As Am I.

When He’s In A Downer Mood…

…As Am I.

He Makes Me Happy.

I Could Only Hope To Make Him Happy.

So Why Even Bother?

Because, I Don’t Know Any Other Way To Be.

I Often Say I’ll Never Be Happy.

That Being Happy Is Something Beyond My Power…

…And For The Most Part, That’s Correct.

I’ve Never Known Happiness.

That Is, Until I Met Him.

He Makes Me Laugh.

He Makes Me Smile.

He Makes Me Happy.

He Makes Me Sad.

He Makes Me Contemplative.

He Makes Me Think About Things I’d Never Considered Thinking.

He Is…

…To ME…

…As Close To Perfect As One Could Be.

I Never Cease To Smile When We’re Together.

And Yet…

…This Love Is UN-Reciprocated.

One Day, Perhaps.

But, Not Today.

Not Now.

Not Anytime Soon.

And That Makes Me Sad.

It Makes Me Sad Beyond Belief.

And Yet, I Cling.

I Hang On.

I Have To.

If I Don’t, It Would Feel Like A Failure.

Another Failure.

I Am NOT A Failure.

He Constantly Reminds Me Of This.

He Reminds Me That There Is Someone Out There For Me.

But, I Don’t Want Someone Else.

I Know Who Am.

I Know What I Want.

I Know What’s Worth Waiting For.

I Know He’s Worth Everything.

So, I’ll Wait For Him.

I Deserve That.

He Deserves That.

And So, I Wait.

No Promises.

No Nothing.

It’s Just A Hope.

Hope Is What I Have.

Hope Is What We Have.

It’s Just Hard.

Hard To Be In Love.

Am I A Fool?

Am I Crazy?

No.

I Don’t Think So.

I’m Just A Man.

A Man Deeply In Love.

Foolish…

…Crazy…

…Love.

Will My Heart Be Broken?

Yeah.

Most Likely.

Do I Care?

Not. A. Bit.

Why?

Because Love Means IT.

Love Is The All.

The Everything.

The One Thing That Trumps The Highest Hand.

And I…

…Unlike Others…

…Am Willing To Suffer For It It.

Always Have Been.

Always Will Be.

Period.

I Just Wish He Felt The Same.

But He Doesn’t.

At Least, Not With Me.

He’s Promised To The Future.

Promised To The Endless Possibilities That The Future’s Willing To Spew-Forth.

He Doesn’t Love Me.

And That’s The Hardest Pill To Swallow.

To Lose-Out To The Unknown.

Does He Know I’m Here?

Does He know I’m Right Here…

…Ready, Willing And Able?

Does He Know I’d Love Him Unlike Anyone Has Ever Loved Him?

Maybe?

But In The End…

…I LOSE.

Ain’t That A Bitch.“

😦