Defeated… …AGAIN!

Why Me?!

😦

I Don’t Honestly Know Any Other Way To Say It, My Peeps.

I’ve Tried.

But, In The End, I Continue To Come back To Those Two Simple…

…Personally Scathing…

…Personally Crushing Words…

Why Me?!

😦          😦

Why Say “Why Me?!” You Ask???

I Don’t Actually Have An Answer For You.

Not A Good Answer, Anyway.

I Know We Haven’t Talked Much Of Late, But I’m Sure You’ve Already Noticed That.

My “Good Cheer”?!

It’s Gone.

I’m Back Down, Again.

I’m Discovering That My Emotions Are Rather Fragile.

More Fragile Than Even I Had Ever Realized.

Like, Ever Ever.

That’s Probably Because I’ve Spent The Bulk Of My Life Suppressing Them.

As I Slowly Let Them Out, I’m Forced To Realize More And More Why I Had Always Shielded Myself From Them.

To Be Perfectly Honest…

…I Sincerely SUCK At Managing Them.

Period.

I Will Say This, My Peeps…

…I’d Hand-Written A Very Loooooong-Winded Rant About What’s Been Happening Of Late…

…But, Now, I Sincerely Don’t Want To Discuss It All Right Here.

I Made A Promise Not To Write About My Current Love Life…

…Or LACK-THERE-OF…

…And I Was Honestly About To Break That Promise.

Then, Well, I Actually Took The Time To Think It All Over.

Just Know That Things Are No Longer “Going My Way” And It Has Been Quite Depressing.

I Know Things Will Never ALWAYS Go My Way, But In This Instance It Really Did Just Crack Me Over The Skull And Then Laugh At Me.

Have I Learned Anything From My Life’s Recent Events???

Yes.

Yes, I Have.

• –>1.) BE VERY VERY CAREFUL WHOM YOU TRUST!<–

• –>2.) IF SOMETHING FEELS TOO GOOD TO BE HONEST AND TRUE, IT IS!<–

• –>3.) I SHOULD HAVE LEARNED BOTH OF THOSE LESSONS BY NOW, I JUST APPARENTLY HAD FORGOTTEN THEM… …AGAIN!<–

😦          😦          😦

Just Do Me A Solid, My Peeps, And Don’t Worry About Me.

I Know I’ll Rebound Again.

It’s Like The Famous Quotation…

“We Are Healed Of A Suffering ONLY By Experiencing It To The Full.”

—MARCEL PROUST

He Was A Rather Smart Man, Wouldn’t You Say?!

Yeah.

I Wholeheartedly Agree, My Peeps.

Totally.

My Tired Eyes: Or, How Bradley Learned To Continue Worrying And Became Rutger Hauer

Oh, These Winter Blues.

Oh, How They Really Do Love Me.

Well…

…It, Honestly, Feels More Like They Really Hate Me.

Like, Really REALLY Hate Me…

…A Lot.

As I Told A Friend The Other Night…

…I Looked At My Eyes And I Said…

“I Look Tired.”

Not “Sleepy”…

…But “Tired.”

There IS A Difference.

A Difference I’m Sure Y’all Would Be Able To Distinguish Between.

I Also Told Him That My Eyes Have Seen Enough To Be Worth Four (4) More Pairs Of Them.

I’ve Seen Things With These Eyes That Would Stagger Some People.

I’ve Seen Things I’ll Never Be Able To Forget, No Matter How Hard I Try.

Exceptional Things.

Terrible Things.

Happy Things.

Horrid Things.

Some Of Which I Can Discuss, These Days.

Most Of Which I Could Never Discuss, Regardless Of The Day.

…

… … …

[[[—Right Now, Honestly, I Feel Like RUTGER HAUER At The End Of “BLADE RUNNER” When He’s On The Building’s Rooftop With HARRISON FORD.

“I’ve Seen Things You People Wouldn’t Believe…“

Ya Know It?!

The One RUTGER Eventually Closes Out By Saying:

“…All Those Moments Will Be Lost In Time, Like Tears In Rain. Time To Die.”

EXCEPT, I’m Not Dying.

AND, I Don’t I Have A Bird To Play With And Fondle.

AND, I’m Not A Replicant.

BUT, Otherwise, I’m Totally RUTGER HAUER.—]]]

… … …

…

But, They Are Tired, My Peeps.

They’re So SO Tired.

And, The More They See, The More They Experience, The More Tired They Make The Rest Of Me.

The Eyes Are Very Powerful.

Windows Into The Soul, And What-Not.

Winter Days, Like The Past Few, Really Do Bring Out My Mopey, Down-Trodden Self.

While My Very First Memory Is Of A Smell…

…Most Of My Memories Are Of That Which I’ve Witnessed.

Of Which I’ve Seen, Up-Close, In Person, Nothing Edited.

Wonders.

Horrors.

Yes, I’ve Seen AND Remember So Much In-Between…

…But, Like Most People, The Wonders AND The Horrors Stand-Out The Most.

I Remember So Much That Does Make Me Happy.

But, It All Blurs Much Easier AND Faster Than I Could’ve/Would’ve/Should’ve Expected.

It Blurs Much Easier AND Faster Than The Horrors.

The Horrors Don‘t Blur.

If Anything, They Shine More So.

They‘re More Vivid These Days Than They‘ve Ever Been.

I Close My Eyes, I See Them.

I Open My Eyes, I See Them.

Damn You, Eyes, Why Did You Ever Look?

Why Did You Ever See?

Why Did You Burn These Images Into My Mind?

They’re There Forever, Now.

To Be Recalled Over And Over Again.

Recalled For The Rest Of My Life, However Long Or Short It May Be.

Damn These Tired, Tired Eyes.

Have They Betrayed Me?

Have They Failed Me?

No.

If Anything, They’ve Worked Tooooo Well.

They’ve Picked-Up Details Most People Would Never Even Consider.

But, Damn Them Anyway.

Damn Them.

When I Sat Down To Write This, I Sincerely Didn’t Know To What End I Was Writing Toward, Nor For.

Maybe I Still Don’t.

It’s Not Finished.

At Least, It Doesn’t Feel Finished.

Not. At. All.

Not. At. All. At. All.

So…

…What‘s The Cure For Tired Eyes?

And No, I Don’t Mean Plastic Surgery On Them To Make Them Appear More Life-Like.

In Fact, I Know Of No Surgery That Could Ever Reverse The Damage.

Well…

…One Could Always Get Lobotomized.

😐

Does Life Get Any Easier After A Difficult Admission?!?

In Short…

…Maybe?

It’s Very New To Me, So I’m Still Trying To Handle It.

I Risked A Lot, I Believe.

I Risked Losing One Of The Very Best People I Know, Simply Because I Found I Cared For Them Much More Than I’d Ever Expected To.

How Do You Tell Someone You Love That You Really Do Love Them, Knowing Ahead Of Time The Best Response You’re Bound To Receive Is “I Know“???

It’s Not Easy.

Not By Any Stretch Of The Imagination.

In Fact, At The Time, It Was Painful.

I Just Had A Feeling It Wasn’t Going To Go Over Well.

Honestly, I Expected It To Go Over Like A Turd In The Punch-Bowl.

Lucky For Me, The Person I’m Speaking Of Cared More About Our Friendship Than Even I Knew.

I Did Get The “I Know“ But I Also Got An “It’s Alright“ And An “I Understand“…

…Neither Of Which Was I Honestly Expecting.

I Just Knew I Was About To Lose Someone Very Important To Me Because I Cared About Them Way Too Much.

But, I Didn’t.

I Didn’t Lose Them.

In Fact, I Think Our Bond Will Be Even Stronger.

Now That They Know How I Feel, I Don’t Feel The Enormous Weight Pressing Upon Me.

I Don’t Feel The Desperation.

The Want, The Need, To Just Say Something.

I Had Made The Choice To Suffer In Silence For A Long Time Over This.

Perhaps That Part Was A Mistake?

Maybe?

But, Honestly, I Don’t Think So.

I Think The Suffering Part Actually Helped.

Once I Was Finally Able To Work-Up The Courage To Say Something…

…I Went For It.

I Said It.

And I Made Sure I Was Understood.

Now That We’re All Clear On It, I Feel So Much Better.

Well, Better Than I Have For A While.

A Long While.

I’ve Made So Many Mistakes Along The Way.

Mistakes I Can Never Take Back, Nor Ever Be Forgiven For.

I’ve Hurt Some Important People In My Life, While I Was Struggling With My Own Pain And Hurting.

I Suppose One Could Say I Was Projecting My Anguish Onto Others?

I Was Making Others Suffer As I Suffered.

And I Can’t Justify It.

Not. A. Bit. Of. It.

So Now, I’m Left Wondering What The Next Step Is?

Where Do I Go From Here?

In All Honesty, My Peeps, I Haven’t The Foggiest.

I Know Life Will Never Be Easy…

…But Perhaps Now It Will Be A Little Easier?

Maybe?

I’ll Take A “Maybe?” At This Point, Fo SHO!

😉

“DAMMIT.”: Again :(

Yeah.

I Had Another Of Those Moments.

Except, This One Is Of A Different Nature.

Same Result, Though.

“DAMMIT.”

Why?!

Well…

…I Decided To Go For A Walk.

It’s The First Time I’ve Attempted A Lengthy Walk-About Since My Latest Medical Scare.

It Started-Off Well Enough.

I Was Moving.

My Left Leg Was A Bit Gimpy, But It Was Functioning.

So I Pressed-On.

I Was Jamming To Some Excellent Tunage.

It’s Pretty Brisk Outside, But It Felt Wonderful To Be Out-&-About.

And THEN…

…”DAMMIT.”

The Bottom Kinda Fell Out Of The Whole Experience.

My Left Leg Gave-Out…

…AGAIN.

😦

I Damn Near Fell Flat On My Face.

Thank Jeebus I Wasn’t Around A Bundle Of People, Or I Would Have Felt A Tinge Of Embarrassment.

There Was NOTHING Funny About It.

I Was About 6-Blocks From My Home.

😦

So, I Had To Drag My Leg Back To The House.

It Was NOT Fun.

“DAMMIT.”

“DAMMIT.”

“DAMMIT.”

Granted, I Could Have Called For A Ride Back To My Place.

But, I Didn’t.

I Decided To Fight My Body And Make A Go Of It.

And I DID Make It Home.

I Was Exhausted.

Worn To A Frazzle.

But I DID Make It.

And Now, Here I Am Talking To Y’all.

“DAMMIT” I Tell You.

“DAMMIT” Indeed.

😦

Now, I’m Unsure Of What To Do.

I Have A Lot I Want To Accomplish, But Don’t Have Much Energy Left In Ye Ole Tank.

So, I Do Believe It’s Time For A Rest.

I Feel Like That’s All I’ve Been Doing, Though.

Resting Gets Pretty Frickin’ Frackin’ BORING.

I Don’t Really Get Bored That Often.

I Can Generally Find Something To Do.

I’m Pretty Resourceful.

Just Not Today.

Not. At. All.

That’s Probably Why I’m Posting This.

I Needed To Flex The Ole Chops AND Find Something Constructive To Do.

I Figure This Counts.

It Does…

…Right???

😦

“DAMMIT.”

“If You Can’t Sleep, Then Get Up And DO SOMETHING Instead Of Lying There Worrying. …”

“…It’s The Worrying That Gets You, NOT The Lack Of Sleep.“

—DALE CARNEGIE

(1888-1955)

–Lecturer AND Writer–