“The Writer Wants To Be Understood Much More Than He Wants To Be Respected, Or Praised, Or Even Loved…”

“…And That, Perhaps, Is What Makes Him Different From Others.”


Rosten, Leo Calvin (via havelshouseofhistory.com)






Something To Ponder, My Peeps.


NO MAN, For Any Considerable Time, Can Wear One Face To Himself And Another To The Multitude Without Finally Getting Bewildered As To Which May Be The True.”

Nathaniel_Hawthorne (via Wikipedia)


*** *** ***


Now, Tell Me This Quote Wasn’t Written For Me.

Not For Me Alone, No, But Totally For Me In General.

It Gets Right At The Heart Of What I’ve Been Trying To Talk About The Past Few Days.

We Lie To Ourselves So Much.

We Convince Ourselves We’re Not Good Enough…

…Not Fast Enough…

…Not Strong Enough…

…Not Attractive Enough…

…And We Do So At A Break-Neck-Pace.

Suddenly, A Life That Really Wasn’t So Bad Becomes A Living Hell.

Through No One’s Fault But Our Own, We Do This.

We Beat Ourselves Down.

Down To The Ground.

We Take What Good We Do Have Going For Us, And We Tarnish It.

We Do This All The Time.

The Big Question Is…

…As Always…


Does Anyone Have A Decent Answer?



I Didn’t Think So.


…I Don’t Have A Decent Answer, Either.

I Wish I Did.

I Sincerely Wish I Did.

There Are Some Whom Believe I Lead A Charmed Existence.

And Then, There Are Some Whom I Couldn’t Give My Life To.

 Some May Think It So Vile.

Some May Think It Amazingly Wonderful.

We’re All Different.

Different Wants.

Different Needs.

Different Tastes.

All Of Us.




Again, I Ask WHY?!?

Is This Simply How It Goes?

Is This How Life Goes??

Is This All That I Am???

Is There Nothing More???

I Simply Don’t Know, My Peeps.

I Wish I Did, But Know I (likely) Never Will.

Which Face Am I Wearing Now?

Which Face Shall I Wear Later?

Does It Honestly Change With The Entrance Of Each New Person Into Our Day?

Which Face Are They Wearing?

Once You Start Thinking About It, You Can Almost Make Yourself Sick.

I Don’t Like The Thought.

I Don’t Like Having To Even Ponder This At All.

I’m Already Wracked With So Much Self-Doubt.

Now, I Can’t Stop Thinking About ME And Then The “ME” Whom The Rest Of The World Is Allowed To See.

They’re Very Different Creatures, Fo SHO, My Peeps.

I’m Very Guilty Of This.


…I Suspect You Are, Also.


…What Do We Do, Now?

Where Do We Go From Here??

I Suppose We Just Carry-On As We Always Do.

I’ll Be ME

You’ll Be YOU

I’ll Show YouME“…

You’ll Show MeYOU“…

And We’ll All Make Sure We Appear To Be That Which We Are Not.

Such Is Life???

So Goes Life???


Now I Have A Headache.

So... Are YOU Jivin Me -questionmark-

“One Of The Virtues Of Being Very Young…”

“…Is That You Don’t Let The Facts Get In the Way Of Your Imagination.”


Samlevenson (via Wikipedia)







*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

<<<<<<<<<<This Quote Selection Is Posted Lovingly For My Nephew, Whom Will Be Coming Here TODAY To Stay For A While!>>>>>>>>>>

😀          😀         😀

Its Been Tooo Looong, And Cant Wait To KickIt With Him!

Can Already Picture Him Waking Up At 6A.M., Finding Me Already Up, And Hell Say

Its Time To Play XBox, Brad.”

And What Will Brad Say?

You Betcha, Buster.”



If Not That, Hell Say

Sure Sure, Just Let Me FillUp My CoffeeCup And Ill Be Right There.”

Uncle Brad Is Pretty Cool Like That.


😉     😉

“If You Give Me Six Lines Written By The Hand Of The Most Honest Of Men…”

“…I Will Find Something In Them Which Will Hang Him.


321px-Portrait_d'Armand-Jean_Du_Plessis,_cardial_de_Richelieu (via Wikipedia)












“DAMMIT.”: Just A Quickie ;)

I Sat Down To Write And That’s The First Thing That Came Out.


Kinda Says It All Sometimes, Doesn’t It?

It’s Actually A Rather Brilliant Word, Encompassing A Very Broad Swath Of Human Existence.

I Just Don’t Know How Wonderful It Is To Honestly Want To Write And All You Can Think Of To Say Is


So What Is It?

What’s Holding Me Back?

Why Am I Not Making Quality Progress?


I Spend Time Writing Things Like This.

This Interests Me.


It Interests Me More.

More Than My Other Projects.

At Least, At This Moment.

That Really Doesn’t Feel Like A Great Sign In Regard To Said Other Projects.

If I’M Disinterested In My Work, How Are Other Peeps Going To Respond?



So... Are YOU Jivin Me -questionmark-😦

“…God Have Mercy On The Man Who Doubts What He’s Sure Of.” –BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN (from his “Brilliant Disguise” (1987))






Well, My Peeps…

…Bradley Was Taken-To-Task, Tonight.

He Was Coldly (yet thoughtfully) Reminded He’s Not Making The Progress He Should Be On His “Non-Blog” Creative-Writing Endeavors.

And Ya Know Something, Kiddies, He’s Very VERY Correct.

I’m Not Making The Progress I Should Be.

I’ve Let My Emotions Overload My Better Judgment…


I’ve Spent Most Of My Time So Worried And Focused On Other Things I’ve Not Really Spent The Time I Should Be Spending On My More Pressing Projects.

In Short…

…I’ve Been SLACKING.

That’s The Only Way To Explain It.

I’ve. Been. SLACKING.


No One Will Ever Take Me Seriously Until I Have Something To Show For My Efforts.

Will They?


Probably Not.

Until It’s A Reality, It’s Just A Dream.



So I’m Throwing Myself Into My Work, Again.

It Really Would Make Me Feel Like A Fraud If I Never Completed One Of These Stories.

I’ve Worked So Long, And So Hard On Them.

I Can’t Just Give-‘Em-Up.

I Can’t Just Walk-Away.

I Can’t Just Quit.

I’ve Done That With Nearly Everything I’ve Ever Set-Out-To-Do In My Whole Life.

Talk About A Tough Pill To Swallow.

Ignoring It Has Been Easy.

Realizing It?

Facing It?

Those Have Both Just Sucked Some Major Asshole.

Dealing With It?

I Am.

I So Am.

I Feel Like I’ve Been Wearing Different Masks For A Long Time.

Different Disguises.

I Know That’s Why This Song…



…Resonated With Me So Much, Tonight.

I’ve Been Hiding Because I Doubt Myself.

I Doubt Every Move I Make.

I Doubt Every Move I Don’t Make.

I Doubt Every Thought…

…Every Memory…

…Every Known-Fact…

…Every Unknown-Fact.


For A Man With A Memory As Acute As Mine…

…That’s A Helluva Lot Of Doubts.

I Used To Be So Sure.

Sure Of Every Action.

Sure Of Every Inaction.

Sure That What I Was Doing Was How I Should Be Doing It.

Sure Of This.

Sure Of That.


I’m Not Sure When The Doubts Set In.

I Am Sure There Has To Have Been An Event.

There Has To Be A Trigger.

Like Anything Else…

…There Is Cause And Effect.

“A” Happens, And Thus “B” Happens.

That Might Be Oversimplifying It, But It Works.

It Does What I Need It To Do.

I Was A Man Who Was Sure Of Everything.

And Became A Man Who Is Sure Of Nothing.

Something Happened Along The Way.

Some Moment.

Some Event.

Some Trigger.

Am I Right About This?

I Am…Right???

This Final Line Of The Song Is What Really Got Me:

-“…God Have Mercy On The Man Who Doubts What He’s Sure Of.“-

I May Not Be A Man Of Faith, But I Can Totally Identify With What’s Being Said.

I Was Sure Of What I Wanted.

I Was Sure Of How To Get It.

I Was Sure Of How It Was Going To Go Down.

I Was Sure Of Myself.

Then, I Stumbled.

Somewhere Along The Way, I Stumbled.

Time To Pull-Up The Ole Bootstraps And Carry-On, Eh?!

Eh, Indeed!!

I Know How To Write.

I Know I Know How To Write.

So Why The Hell Haven’t I Been Writing?

Like My Friend Told Me…

…My Blog IS A HOBBY.


Somewhere Along The Way I Forgot That Little Fact, Also.

I Love My Blog.

I Have Fun With My Blog.

It Brings Me Joy.

But, In The End, It Really Is Just A Hobby…

…Isn’t It?

Accordingly, I Must Treat It As Such.

Something To Tinker With When The Real Work Has Ceased For The Day.



Midnight Is Drawing Near.

I Suppose I’ve Said What Needed To Be Said.

I’m Grateful To My Friend For Having The Balls To Just Break-It-Down For Me Like That.

The Best Way To Thank Him, However, Would Be To Excel.


I AM SURE I Can Try Try TRY.

Rest Easy, My Peeps.

Friday Is Here.




😀       😀       😀

“A Person Is Only As Good As What They Love.” –SAUL BELLOW

612px-Saul_Bellow,_1990 (via Wikipedia)






Well, Again, Here I Am. But Do I Bring Anything New To The Table???

The Likely Answer Is NO.

Nothing New Has Happened.

Nothing New Ever Happens That’s Honestly Worth Mentioning.

Just Wide Awake At This Ungodly Hour.

One Would Think I’d Be Used To It By Now.


(...Or Not So Sadly...)

…I’m Not Used To It.

Never Have Been.

Never Will Be.

I Just Wanted To Apologize, My Peeps.

Apologize For My Recent Behavior.

I May Be A Dweller, Yes…

…But That Doesn’t Mean I Have To Take It Out Here.

Out In The Open, As I Have.

A Love Life…

(...Or Lack Of One...)

…Should Always Be Handled In A Much More Private Manner.

I Haven’t Done As Such.

I’ve Made My Issues Public.

But I’m A Writer.

Writers Write.

I So Express Myself Better In This Way.

Always Have.

When It Comes To Talking, I Generally Stay Quiet.


I Fumble My Words, Otherwise.

At Least This Way I Have More Control.

Or, At Least, I Feel I Do.

… …

I’ve Talked Recently Of Wanting.

Of Needing.

Things I Must Have.

Things I Wish I Had.

Things I Know I’ll Never Ever Never Ever Ever Possess.

And What Good Has Come From Any Of It?

Not A Goddamn Bit, That’s What.

I Just Feel Like Me.

Feeling More Isolated.

Feeling More Alone.

Feeling More Hopeless.

Feeling More Helpless.

I Just Don’t Know, My Peeps.

I Don’t Know What To Do.

I Don’t Know What To Say.

I Don’t Know What To Write.

It’s Not Like There’s A Lack Of Material.

Oh, Heavens No.

I Could Write And Write, Seemingly Forever, If I So Chose.

But I Don’t.

And So…

…I Don’t.

I Suppose I’m Just Hopping With Anticipation.

I Want To Know What’s Wrong With Me.

I Want To Really REALLY Know.

The Coming MRI Seems To Be My Best Bet For Finding Any Answers.

The Problem I’m Having Is…

What Do I Do If They Don’t Find What They’re Looking For?

Do I Just Carry On…

…Happy The Test Says I’m Healthy?

To ME…

…That Would Seem Like A Failure.

Like A Waste Of Time, Effort, Money, Resources, Etc Etc.

I’m Not Saying I Want Them To Find Something.

I’m Saying I Hope It Tells Them What They Want To Know.

Because If It Doesn’t, I’m Totally Up-Shit-Creek.

I’m Tired.

I’m So Very Tired.

I Wish I Could Sleep.

Anticipation Is Amazingly Wonderful, Sometimes.

Other Times, It’s Just A Big Ole Bitch.

And I Still Have Two More Days To Wait.

Two More Days Of Anticipation.

Two More Days Of Deeply Seeded Want.

I Must Have This Test.

I Sincerely NEED This Test.

I Suppose I’m Just Scared.

That’s The Best Answer I Can Come Up With, At The Moment.

There’s Nothing Wrong With Being Scared…

…It Just Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Interfere With Day-T0-Day Existence.

It’s Too Powerful.


But, What Am I Afraid Of?

I Wish I Knew.

Any Thoughts, My Peeps?

Perhaps I’m Just Scared They Really Wont Find What They’re Looking For?

?       ?       ?

I Suppose I’m Just Getting Tired Of Tests.

I’ve Had Plenty.


…I’ll Have Plenty More With Time.


…Here I Am.


…Here I Am AGAIN.

Do I Bring Anything New To The Table?


Do I Further The Discussion?


So What Do I Do?

I Sit Here.

I Write.

While Others Are Sleeping…

…Here I Am.

While Others Are Working…

…Here I Am.

While Others Are Out Having Fun…

…Here I Am.

And What Good Has Come From It?

Not A Goddamn Bit, That’s What.

This Is More Therapy Than Anything Else.

Writing Quiets My Mind.

It Allows Me To Center My Thoughts.

Even Though They May Come-Out As A Jumbled Mess…

…That’s Sincerely Not The Intention.

Surely Not.

Maybe I Just Need Sleep.

Trust Me, My Peeps…

…I Would If I Could.

I Surely Would.

But I Can’t.

So I’m Not.



What Does One Do?!

I Mean, Really Do?!

When You’re “In Love” It Feels Wonderful.

When You’re “In Love” And The Object Of Your Affections Is Also “In Love” You Feel Amazingly Wondrously Wonderful.

When You’re “In Love” And The Other Person Could Honestly Care Less…


…You Feel Worthless.

You Feel Defeated.

You Feel Left Alone, Wounded And Dying On The Battlefield.

But, I Am Finding-Out Something I Didn’t Know Already.

The More I Talk About This, The More I Find-Out Almost No One Gets The One They Truly Want.

Truly Wanted, I Should Say.

I Know, For A Fact, That I’ll Never Get “The One” And I’ve Done My Best To Accept It.

He’s Wonderful.

He’s Amazing.

He’s Untouchable.

At Least…

…Untouchable To Me.


…What Does One Do?

Do You Move On?

Do You Continue The Fight?

Do You Throw A Pit Party And Suffer, Just As I Already Have?

What Does One Do?

That Question…


…Has Plagued My Thoughts.

It Has Done So For A Long-Time, Now.

What Do I Do?

Do I Cling?

Do I Hold-Out-Hope?

Or, Do I Give-In.

Do I Just Accept What’s Handed To Me And Carry-On?

Isn’t That The Exact Same Thing As Being Defeated?

It’s A Nicer Way Of Saying It…

…But That’s What It Means…


I Hate Being Sick.

It Gives Me Nothing To Do But Dwell.

Dwell On Things I Shouldn’t.

Dwell On Things I Have No Control Over.

Dwell.  Dwell.  Dwell.

It’s What I Do.

It Does Ignite My Spark, I’ll Give It That.

It Makes Me Want To Sit Here And Do Something.

But What Am I Really Doing?

Am I Saying Anything Important?

Am I Saying Anything That Isn’t Already Known?


Not Really.

Maybe They’ve Yet To Be Said In This Way…

…But They’ve Been Said, Nevertheless.

I’m Just A Statistic.

One Among Billions.

One With An Issue Felt By So So Many.

When Thought Of That Way…

…My Issues Seem Meaningless.

And, Honestly, They Are.

The Only One Who Truly Cares About My Issues Is “A #1” Me.

I Just Need To Pull My Head Out Of My Ass And Get Busy, Again.

I’ve Been In There Long Enough.

This Topic, Coupled With My Illness, Has Made For Plentiful Material.

Perhaps Life Will Once Again Accept Me…

…Allowing Me To Sample From Its Day-To-Day Goings-On.

I Think It Will.

Life’s My Bitch.

It Does What It’s Told.

And When It Doesn’t?

I Curl-Up Into A Little Ball And Sob Loudly In The Quiet Corner.

Man Has To Have Some Outlet, Ya Know?!



😉       😉