When Remembering Turns To Dwelling Turns To Suffering…

You Know Youre Fu*ked.

At This Moment, Im Writing Just To Watch Myself Write.

Ive Slept Less Than 35Hours In The Past 10Nights COMBINED.

Im Irritable.

Im Sullen And Moody.

Ive Lost 15LBS In That 10Day Span.

I Dont Understand Why I Let Myself Get This Depressed.

I Know I Do It To Myself.

Its My Own Fault.

But, IM Not My Own Fault.

I Know That.

I Never Have Been.

I Was Created And Shaped By Events In My Life That Have Seriously Fu*ked-MeUp.

Why Cant I Shake This?

Why Does The Past Still Cling To Me Like The Stench Of Death?

It Haunts My DayToDay Existence.

I Know Why.

BECAUSE I LET IT.

Period.

MY BAD.

Its These Memories.

I Cant Handle Them As Well As Id Like To.

As Well As I SHOULD.

Its Honestly Maddening.

Its Hard.

Its So Very VERY Hard.

I Go From Day To Day Seeing No Benefit From It All.

Ive…

Sheesh

Ive Become My Own Worst Enemy.

Just As I Was Always TOLD I Would Be.

Just As I Always KNEW I Would Be.

It Happens To Us All At Some Point, Sure.

It’s Life.

Its LIVING Life.

My Moments Of Weakness And Horror Come To Me Like Flashes.

As Images.

Images A Person Should Never See.

No One.

The Thoughts Linger.

The IllFeelings They Cause Linger Longer.

Am I Having An Identity Crisis?

Whatever It Is, Its Hanging On Way Way WAY Tooo Long.

Talking To People Is Becoming More And MORE Difficult.

There Are A Couple Key People Id Love To Talk To.

They Just Dont Want To Talk To Me.

Sometimes, I Break Down And Simply MUST Talk To Someone.

Those Are The Moments When Im Feeling My Worst.

When I Know Somethings Wrong Inside, And I Need To Make An Outside Connection Before I Snap.

I Feel The Worst, Though, When I Do Have To Ask For Help.

But, At The Point I Start Talking, Im Already Scraping The Bottom Of The Barrel For The Oxygen I Need To Survive.

I Am.

It Gets Hard To Breathe.

I Start Feeling Sorry For Myself.

I Lose Personal Control.

I Become Someone Else.

Someone I Truly Am NOT.

A Whining

Crying

Sniveling

UsedToBe.

I Know I’m Only 30ishish.

Some Attempt To Push Upon Me That Im Still Far Too Young To Deal With Shit As I Do.

But, Everyones Different

Correct???

Everyones Got Their Own Stopping And Starting Point.

Their Own Breaking Point.

I Guess Mine Was Just A Bit Earlier In Life Than Some Others.

I Know I Dont Have It That Bad.

Its Not Like Someone Close To Me Has Died, Or Is Dying.

Its Simply The Past.

A Past Ive Yet To Beat.

A Past Ive Yet To Escape From.

A Past Ive Yet To Come To Terms With.

A Past Ive Yet To Let Go Of And Move On From.

And Its Destroying My Present.

I Guess Some Of This Is Normal, Right?

Thinking Of It All Has Just Brought Me Down So Much.

I Just Feel Very Alone, At Times.

But, I Do Understand That Life Could Be Much Worse.

Sadly

My Once RemarkedUpon Eyes Are Heavy, Dark, And Tired.

My Hopeful Outlook Has Turned Bleak.

Yet, Despite It All, I Survive.

MAYBE It All Has Made Me Stronger In Some Ways?

But, At What Personal Cost?

With Age And Experience Has Also Come Fear

Hate

Despair.

Where I Once Felt Love, I Now Feel Bitterness.

Where I Once Felt Alive, I Now Feel Drained.

Where I Once Cared About Life, I Now Resent It.

So Sad, Yet, So True.

It Just Pisses Me Off To No Extent.

When Wonderful Memories Become Jaded With Time.

I Swear, It Literally Makes Me Sick.

What I Wouldnt Give For A Moments Peace.

A Clear Mind.

A Quiet Mind.

I Know I Have Some Amazing Moments Stored In My BrainCase.

Ive Just Become To Bitter To See Them.

*** ***

PLEASE, My Peeps

Dont Be Alarmed By Anything Ive Said.

Its Just A Downer Moment For Me, And Im Allowing You To Experience It With Me.

I Guess I Just Wanted To Vent A Bit, As I Often Do When I Get Like This.

As Ive Said To Yall Before

…Sometimes, Its Not Just The BEST Therapy

…Its The ONLY Therapy.

Right???

RIGHT!!!

So... Are YOU Jivin Me -questionmark-

My Tired Eyes: Or, How Bradley Learned To Continue Worrying And Became Rutger Hauer

Oh, These Winter Blues.

Oh, How They Really Do Love Me.

Well…

…It, Honestly, Feels More Like They Really Hate Me.

Like, Really REALLY Hate Me…

…A Lot.

As I Told A Friend The Other Night…

…I Looked At My Eyes And I Said…

I Look Tired.”

Not “Sleepy”

…But Tired.”

There IS A Difference.

A Difference I’m Sure Y’all Would Be Able To Distinguish Between.

I Also Told Him That My Eyes Have Seen Enough To Be Worth Four (4) More Pairs Of Them.

I’ve Seen Things With These Eyes That Would Stagger Some People.

I’ve Seen Things I’ll Never Be Able To Forget, No Matter How Hard I Try.

Exceptional Things.

Terrible Things.

Happy Things.

Horrid Things.

Some Of Which I Can Discuss, These Days.

Most Of Which I Could Never Discuss, Regardless Of The Day.

… … …

[[[—Right Now, Honestly, I Feel Like RUTGER HAUER At The End Of “BLADE RUNNER” When He’s On The Building’s Rooftop With HARRISON FORD.

Rutger-Hauer-as-Roy-Batty-blade-runner-19275549-453-290 (via fanpop.com)

I’ve Seen Things You People Wouldn’t Believe

Ya Know It?!

The One RUTGER Eventually Closes Out By Saying:

“…All Those Moments Will Be Lost In Time, Like Tears In Rain. Time To Die.”

EXCEPT, I’m Not Dying.

AND, I Don’t I Have A Bird To Play With And Fondle.

AND, I’m Not A Replicant.

BUT, Otherwise, I’m Totally RUTGER HAUER.—]]]

… … …

But, They Are Tired, My Peeps.

They’re So SO Tired.

And, The More They See, The More They Experience, The More Tired They Make The Rest Of Me.

The Eyes Are Very Powerful.

Windows Into The Soul, And What-Not.

Winter Days, Like The Past Few, Really Do Bring Out My Mopey, Down-Trodden Self.

While My Very First Memory Is Of A Smell…

…Most Of My Memories Are Of That Which I’ve Witnessed.

Of Which I’ve Seen, Up-Close, In Person, Nothing Edited.

Wonders.

Horrors.

Yes, I’ve Seen AND Remember So Much In-Between…

…But, Like Most People, The Wonders AND The Horrors Stand-Out The Most.

I Remember So Much That Does Make Me Happy.

But, It All Blurs Much Easier AND Faster Than I Could’ve/Would’ve/Should’ve Expected.

It Blurs Much Easier AND Faster Than The Horrors.

The Horrors Dont Blur.

If Anything, They Shine More So.

Theyre More Vivid These Days Than Theyve Ever Been.

I Close My Eyes, I See Them.

I Open My Eyes, I See Them.

Damn You, Eyes, Why Did You Ever Look?

Why Did You Ever See?

Why Did You Burn These Images Into My Mind?

They’re There Forever, Now.

To Be Recalled Over And Over Again.

Recalled For The Rest Of My Life, However Long Or Short It May Be.

Damn These Tired, Tired Eyes.

Have They Betrayed Me?

Have They Failed Me?

No.

If Anything, They’ve Worked Tooooo Well.

They’ve Picked-Up Details Most People Would Never Even Consider.

But, Damn Them Anyway.

Damn Them.

When I Sat Down To Write This, I Sincerely Didn’t Know To What End I Was Writing Toward, Nor For.

Maybe I Still Don’t.

It’s Not Finished.

At Least, It Doesn’t Feel Finished.

Not. At. All.

Not. At. All. At. All.

So…

Whats The Cure For Tired Eyes?

And No, I Don’t Mean Plastic Surgery On Them To Make Them Appear More Life-Like.

In Fact, I Know Of No Surgery That Could Ever Reverse The Damage.

Well…

One Could Always Get Lobotomized.

😐

So... Are YOU Jivin Me -questionmark-

“It Is To Be Regretted…”

“…That The Rich And Powerful Too Often Bend The Acts Of Government To Their Own Selfish Purposes.

ANDREW JACKSON

-(17671845)-

-(Our 7TH PRESIDENT Of The UNITED STATES Of AMERICA)-