“…But Also For What We Do Not Do.“
—MOLIÈRE
Monthly Archives: November 2012
So, Why Is Love So Hard For Me To Handle?
Well, My Peeps…
…I Have A Story To Tell You, And I’m Not Really Sure How To Tell It.
I Have To Take You Back In Time A Bit.
Back To A Time When I Was Fickle.
Back Before I Understood The True Impact…
…The True Meaning Of What Love Really Is.
I’m Taking You Back 10 Years.
Back When My Issues Really Began.
You See, I Dated Someone.
Someone Beautiful…
…Inside AND Outside.
Someone With A Sharp Mind…
…With The Kindest Heart…
…Someone Whom Truly Deserved The Best I Could Give Them.
Regardless Of Any Thing…
…They Deserved The Very Very Best.
They Deserved Better Than I Ever Could Give Them Was What I Eventually Decided.
We Met.
We Hit It Off Immediately.
We Quickly Became A Young Power-Couple.
I Quickly Fell In Love…
…And I Fell Very VERY Hard.
So Quickly And So Hard, In-Fact, That I Became Truly Terrified.
I Admit It, My Peeps, I Was Scared Shitless.
He Was Young.
He Was Physically Strong.
He Was Physically Hot.
He Was Emotionally Strong.
He Was Emotionally Complete.
And I Know He Loved Me.
He Loved Me Like No One Ever Had…
…Like No One Ever Has Since.
And, As I’ve Said, I Was Scared.
I Was Terrified.
And I Held Back.
I Did My Best Never To Tell Him Just How Much I Cared…
…Just How Much I Truly Loved Him.
I Never Let Him Know How Wonderful He Was.
How Special He Was.
How Much I Wanted Him.
How Much I Wanted To Protect Him.
So…
…The Decision Was Made By ME, Of Course.
The Decision Was Made To Spare This Guy.
The Best Way To Protect Him…
…The Best Way To Make Sure I Didn’t Eventually Do As I Always Do And Eventually Hurt Him.
The Decision Made Was To Let Him Go.
To Me, That Was The Best Thing I Could Do For Him.
I Couldn’t Let Him Into My World As I Wanted To…
…So I Did, What I Considered To Be, The Noble Thing.
I Walked Away.
I Pulled The Plug.
Right Or Wrong, That’s How It Eventually Went Down.
I Convinced Him I Wasn’t Happy.
I Convinced Him I Didn’t Really Want To Be With Him.
I Convinced Him I Only Ever Dated Him In The First Place Because I Saw Him As A Virtual Doppelganger To A Previous Love Of Mine.
I Did Everything I Could To Make Sure He Was Convinced I Was Serious.
That I Really Wanted out.
After A Few Tears…
…From Us Both…
…We Separated.
The Break-Up Actually Went Better Than I Expected It To.
We Parted Ways Later That Day.
I Haven’t Seen Him, Face To Face, Since.
But All Of This Was More The Preamble To The Meat Of The Story.
You See…
…Fast Forward A Few Months…
…I’m Sitting At Home.
A Simple, Quiet Evening.
I Was Feeling Tired.
I Was Feeling Lonely.
I Was Feeling Sorry For Myself…
…And For Things I’d Done Or Said.
Then The Phone Rang.
To My Astonishment, It Was Him.
He Was Contacting Me!
My Heart Literally Leaped!
I Couldn’t Have Been More Excited About The Prospect Of Hearing His Voice Again…
…His Sweet, Sweet Voice.
I’d Wanted To Hear His Voice So So Badly…
…I Was Just Too Stubborn To Call Him Myself.
Each Time I’d Considered Doing So, I Talked Myself Out Of It.
But Now…
…This Time…
…Here He Was.
That Phone-Call, Sadly, Would Become A Living Nightmare.
He Was Tearful.
His Voice Was Shaky.
He Was, Quite Frankly, Terrified.
And Then He Laid It On Me.
Shortly After We’d Broken-Up…
…He Did What Most Would Do In His Situation.
He Went Out.
He Partied.
He Had Fun.
He Did What He Could To Get Me Out Of His Head…
…Out Of His Heart.
So He Got Himself Laid.
He Put Me As Far Behind Himself As He Could.
He Was Experiencing Life Again.
And That’s All It Took.
The Phone-Call Wasn’t To Say Hello.
It Wasn’t To Say Hi, How Are You, What’s New.
It Was To Tell Me He’d Just Received Notice That He Was Now HIV+.
Hearing Him Say Those Words Took A Moment To Sink In.
And Then All Could Think To Do Was Cry.
It Nearly Killed Me When I Finally Wrapped My Head Around It All.
It Was My Fault.
My Fault He Felt The Way He Did.
My Fault He Was Put Into That Situation.
My Fault For Thinking With My Head And NOT My Heart.
Had I Listened To My Heart…
…Honestly…
…I Would Never Have Let Him Go.
We Truly Were Very Perfectly Suited To One-Another.
Had I Not Been Such A Chicken-Shit…
…Had I Not Been So Scared Of My Own Feelings…
…Had I Simply Led With My Heart And Emotions…
…This Would Never Have Happened.
It’s A Guilt I’ve Carried With Me For Nearly 10 Years, Now.
I Did Something I Know I Shouldn’t Have…
…For What I Justified As A Justifiable Reason…
…And Instead Of Protecting Him From Myself…
…I Failed To Protect Him From Anything.
I Just Made Things Worse.
I Destroyed His Life.
I Agonize Over This Event To This Very Day.
I Think About It A Lot.
I Think About How Foolish I Was.
I Think About How Much I Really Did Love Him.
I Think About How I Never Told Him How Much I Really Loved Him.
I Can See The Breakup In My Mind To This Day.
I Remember Every Word I Uttered To Him.
I Remember His Tears.
I Remember That Phone-Call.
I Remember His Tears.
I Remember How I Wanted To Curl-Up And Die When The Call Finally Ended.
How Could I Have Done That, My Peeps?
How Could I Have Been So Foolish To Think That My Loving Someone Was Going To Be Their Ultimate Destruction?
Especially Now.
Knowing That Had I Just Told Him Once How Much I Cared…
…How Much I Wanted Him…
…How Much I Needed Him…
…That This Horrid Outcome Would Never Have Happened.
He Would Be Happy AND Healthy.
He Would Be Living The Life He Should Be.
But Because Of My Actions…
…Because I Couldn’t Handle The Extreme Powers Of Real Love…
…I Made The Worst Decision Of My Young Existence.
I Just Wish I Could Fix It.
I Wish I’d Never Let Him Go.
I Wish This Horrid Outcome Had Never Taken Place.
But I Can’t.
I Can’t Change It.
I Can’t Take It Back.
I Just Have To Live With The Knowledge That Had I Been A Real Man…
…Had I Been Honest About My Feelings…
…This Would Never Have Happened.
As I Said…
…He Would Be Happy AND Healthy…
…And I Would Be Guilt Free.
My Life Fell Apart After That.
I Stopped Loving.
Truly Loving.
I Stopped Trusting.
I Stopped Letting People Into My Life.
Not For My Sake…
…But For Theirs.
I Still Miss Him A Lot.
I Still Wonder How He Is…
…How He’s Doing…
…And I Hope He’s Alright.
I Just Hope…
…One Day…
…He’ll Be Able To Forgive Me.
It Would Be Nice To Know.
Even Though I’ll Never Be Able To Forgive Myself.
I Broke His Heart.
And Then I Shattered My Own.
I’ve Regretted My Actions Every Single Day Since.
It’s 10 Years Later…
…Yet I Haven’t Moved On.
It’s Been Simply Impossible.
Impossible To Let Go.
Impossible To Forgive.
It’s Something I Don’t Believe He’ll Ever Get Over.
And I Know For A Fact It’s Something I’ll Never Get Over.
I Do Still Miss Him.
I Do Still Love Him.
And I Couldn’t Feel More Sorry About It Than I Do.
To This Day…
…I Remain So So Sorry.
Perhaps, One Day, We’ll Meet Again.
And On That Day, Perhaps I’ll Be Able To Come Clean.
To Tell Him How I Felt Then…
…How I Feel Now.
He Deserves To Know The Whole Story.
He Deserves To Know Why I Did What I Did.
I Thought I Was Saving Him By My Walking Away.
All I Did Was Destroy Him.
And…
…In Turn…
…I Destroyed Myself.
One Of My Favorite Pieces To Lend My Rebloggin’ing Power To. Since My Work Has Been A Bit Depressing…
…I’ve Decided To Combat That With Pure Comedic GOLD!
Enjoy, My Peeps!
I’m Sure Smak Would Be Proud, Fo SHO!
-B.
By Smaktakula
In which we comment on the headlines of the day without first bothering to read the stories.
***
Money lessons from a lifelong teacher ~ If this guy knew the first thing about money, he would have chosen a more lucrative profession.
When Mommy writes naughty books ~ Mommy is an award-winning writer of erotic fiction. And a whore.
Chef David Viens convicted of killing, cooking wife ~ Most damning, several of the guests complained that Viens’ signature flambé d’Rhonda in white plumb sauce was both insipid and jejune, and moreover, that the chef’s bizarre pairing of a 1992 Mouton was not at all complimentary.
16 Ways Your Trash Could be Your Treasure ~ And 16,000,000 ways it’s not.
14-Year-Old Charged with Killing Newborn Son and Hiding in Shoebox ~ Please be on the lookout for this suspect. He’s armed, dangerous and very, very tiny.
View original post 529 more words
This Just Hasn’t Been My Week.
Thursday Is Half-Over And Yet I’m Already Ready For Next Week To Arrive.
I’m Hoping To Be Over It All By Then.
Hoping Being The Key Word.
I Know There Are Worse Things Out There, But This Week Has Been Loaded With Major Ups AND Downs.
I’ve Been Writing.
And Re-Writing.
And Re-Re-Writing.
I Have A Piece I’m Working On That Is Simply Destroying Me.
It’s About Something That’s Very Personal To Me, And I Just Can’t Get It Right.
It’s A Story I Think Explains A Lot About A Messy Love-History And The Person It Created.
It’s Just A Hard Story To Tell.
It’s Emotionally Draining.
Once Those Are Depleted, It Then Becomes Physically Draining To A Point Were I’m Ready To Either SCREAM Or COLLAPSE.
Thus Far, I’ve Chosen To Collapse.
I’ve Never Really Been A Good Screamer, Ya Know?!
I’ve Almost Finished The Piece.
I’m Just Copy-Editing It Now.
When It’s Ready, I Have A Good Friend Standing By To Proof-Read It For Me.
I Need To Make Sure The Story I’m Telling Makes The Point I’m Driving At.
I Can’t Half-Ass This One.
It Must Have All The Time, Love And Care I Can Afford To Lend It.
The Subject Demands It.
I Demand It.
And I Think You, My Peeps, Should Demand It, Also.
So…
…PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE…
…Stay Tuned.
Once It’s Ready…
…I’m Going To Lay It All On You.
I’m Already Scared Of The Reaction.
I Don’t Know How My Readers Will Take What I’m Saying.
But It Has To Be Said.
It’s A Story About Life…
…About Love…
…About Loss…
…About Mistakes…
…About Regrets…
…And About Trying To Carry On Afterward.
Again I Say…
…PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE…
…Stay Tuned.
I’m Already Weary Over The Sleepless Nights It’s Causing Me.
Weary Of Crying Myself To Sleep Over It.
Weary Weary Weary.
Just Please Allow Me The Time I Need To Get It Right.
I Must Do So.
I MUST GET IT RIGHT.
And I Know I Will.
A Quote Comes To Mind That I Think Fits This Perfectly.
“BEWARE THE FURY OF A PATIENT MAN.“
—JOHN DRYDEN
(1631–1700)
I Have The Power To Be Exceptionally Patient.
Even When I’m Frothing With Impatience.
Impatiently Patient.
A Lovely Contradiction I’m Happy To Embrace.
Love. It’s Painful And Sickening… …But It’s Love.
I Have Never Shied Away From Love.
I Have Always Believed Love Is As Essential To Life As Air And Water.
I Have Also Always Believed That One Person Needn’t Love Just One Person.
One True Love May Be How The Fairytale Goes…
…But It’s Not How Life Goes.
Not Real Life, Anyway.
I’ve Had 10 Relationships Overall…
…And I Can Tell You That Of Those 10 I Was Seriously In Love With 4 Of Them.
Of Those Include…
…The Original…
…The One Whose Heart I Broke…
…The One Who Broke My Heart.
But There Were Others.
There Were Outsiders.
People I Wasn’t In A Relationship With, Yet I Loved With Every Fiber Of My Being.
Actually, There Are More Of Those Than There Are Those I Was In A Really Real Relationship With.
So How Do You Know It’s Love?
Like, When It’s Really Really REAL Love?
Honestly, That’s The Hard Part.
Separating Feelings.
Knowing What’s Real.
What’s Being Made-Up.
It’s A Rather Daunting Task At Times, My Peeps.
Right Now…
…At THIS Moment….
…If You Were To Ask Me If I Were In Love…
…I’d Say YES.
But If You Asked Me To Break-It-Down For Y’all…
…I’d Almost Have To Plead The 5TH.
WHY?
Because I Have Multiple Loves.
Because I Can’t Name Just One Person.
Because To Answer The Question Honestly And Sincerely…
…I Have To Hurt Someone Else.
My Head Says Do This And Do It This Way.
My Heart Says Do This And Do It This Way.
But Neither My Head NOR My Heart Is Giving Me The Same Answer.
If I Were Thinking With Only My Head, This Post Wouldn’t Even Be Happening.
But I’m Not.
I’m More So Thinking With My Heart…
…And, For Me, That Generally Spells Trouble.
I Just Can’t Seem To Shake This.
Can’t Seem To Shake These Feelings Of Regret.
What Did I Do Wrong?
Where Did I Go Wrong?
How Could I Have Done Better?
Would We Still Be Together Had I Not Been Me?
It’s Maddening.
It Only Serves To Make Me Sicker.
It’s Hard To Heal A Body That Has A Head AND Heart Ache.
I Am Trying.
I Really Am.
It’s Just Not Happening For Me.
I Was Doing So Much Better Until Recently.
I Was Keeping My Shit Together.
I Was Able To Compartmentalize My Feelings.
I Kept It All Straight.
I Kept It All Separated.
I Kept My Feelings OUT Of Any And All Situations.
And Now, That Feels Impossible.
My Feelings Have Been Unleashed And I Don’t Know How To Recapture Them.
I Don’t Know How To Suck It All Back Up Inside.
I Want To.
I Want To Go Back To Being Emotionless.
That Was Much Easier To Manage.
At Least…
…It Was For ME.
We Are Emotional Creatures, I Know I Know.
But That Doesn’t Mean We Have To Lead With Our Emotions.
It Just Means We Have Them…
…And They’ll Likely Cloud Whatever It Is We’re Trying To Convey To Others.
I Call Love “Painful And Sickening” And I’m Very Right About That.
Love IS “Painful” And Always Will Be.
Love IS ALSO “Sickening” And I’m Only Just Learning This.
These Past Few Days…
…I’ve Been Ultra-Ill…
…And Hadn’t Yet Figured Out WHY.
That Is Not Until I Sat Down And Began To Pen This Piece.
Then I Realized Something.
This All Started When Someone Invited Me Over To Their Place.
Someone I Sincerely Care For.
Someone I Honestly Love.
Someone Who Doesn’t Feel The Same Way Toward Me And Never Ever Will.
And…
…To Add Insult To Injury…
…Another Person I Sincerely Care For And Honestly Love Was Going To Be There.
So I Would Have Been There.
Sitting.
Watching The Two Of Them.
Knowing How I Feel.
Knowing How They’ll Never Feel.
It Drives Me Bonkers, My Peeps.
I’ve Been Lost In Thought.
And I Don’t Know How To Snap Out Of It.
How Could I Be So Damned Foolish, My Peeps?
How Could I Let This Happen?
Falling In Love With A Friend Is Bad Enough…
…But To Fall For His Ex-Fiance Is Just A Blunder Of Epic Proportions.
I Don’t Take Love Lightly.
I Used To.
I Used To Fall In and Out Of Love Very Easily.
But Not Anymore.
Now It Takes Time.
It Takes Patience.
And When It Happens…
…It Hits Fast…
…It Hits Hard…
…It Hits WITHOUT Mercy.
It Doesn’t Care About WHO Or WHAT It Tramples…
…It Just Wants What It Wants And That’s It.
That’s All That Matters.
At Least, At The Time.
I Hate Love.
The Highest Highs.
The Lowest Lows.
The Horrid Feelings One Has When They Realize Love Has Come And Gone Yet Again.
Is It Worth it?
Is It Really Worth It?
Knowing You’re Going To Be Hurt In Every Instance?
Knowing The Fairytale Won’t Come True Yet Again…
…And You’ll Be Left To Sift Through The Proverbial Ashes?
I Just Don’t Know, My Peeps.
I Just Don’t Know.
I Am In Love.
I Am Deeply In Love.
It’s Just Not All Directed Toward The Same Person.
Will That Be My Downfall?
Is That Why I’ve Been Sick?
How Does One Escape Its Evil Clutches?
How Does One Pick-up And Carry-On?
How Does One Tell The Person He Loves That He Loves Someone Else, Also?
It’s Crazy.
Simply Crazy.
How Could I Be So Foolish, My Peeps?
And At What Cost?
We Don’t Get To Choose Who We Love.
Love Chooses Who It Loves.
And It’s NOT Always The Person We Would Like It To Be.
Sometimes…
…Love Takes A Very Wide Turn.
Sometimes…
…Love Takes Us In A Direction We’re Not Expecting.
Sometimes…
…Love Can Be Blissful AND Wonderful.
And Sometimes…
…Love Can Be Painful AND Sickening.
It Leaves Us Wondering.
It Leaves Us Wanting.
It Leaves Us.
And There’s No Stopping It.
It’s A Vengeful Bitch That Must Have Its Fill.
When It’s Done…
…It’s Done.
And Not Until.
I’m Going To End This With A Quote.
One I’ve Found That Totally Sums-Up Everything I’ve Said Here.
“THE SWEETEST JOY, THE WILDEST WOE, IS LOVE.”
—PHILIP JAMES BAILEY
I Still Feel Like Ass…
…Yet Here I Am…
…Giving A Go…
…Trying To Me The Best Out Of A Terrible Situation.
The Past Few Days Have Royally Sucked.
If Anyone Is Looking For A New Fad Diet To Give A Go To…
…Boy Have I Got One For You.
Do Nothing.
Eat Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
NOTHING.
And What Happens?
Well…
…For Me…
…I Dropped A Total Of 12-Pounds.
Problem Is…
…Everything I Lost Was Muscle Mass.
I Went From 191.5 LBS…
…To 179 LBS Really Quickly.
For Some, That’s A Miracle Diet That Simply Must Be Tried.
For Those Of You Who Know Me…
…Who Know I Take Good Care Of Myself…
…Who Know I Lift Weights On A Regular Basis….
…This Diet Was A Disaster.
I Feel Awful.
I Feel Weak.
I Feel Tired.
I Don’t Feel Like Myself.
Why Am I Telling You This?
Mainly As A Reminder.
Mainly To Illustrate To Y’all Can Happen With Just A Couple Days Of Being Out-Of-Commission.
I Got Sick Thursday.
Thanksgiving Day.
Don’t That Just Figure.
And I’ve Not Been Able To Pull Myself Out Of This Personal Funk, Since.
I’ve Just Laid Around.
I’m Just Rested.
And Yet, It Hasn’t Helped.
At Least…
…It Hasn’t Helped Much.
I’m Still Weak.
I’m Still Tired.
I Continue Going To Be Early (for me).
I Continue Waking-Up Later (for me).
My Whole Day Has Been Thrown-Off.
And There’s Nothing I Can Do About It.
Just Suffer Through It All…
…And Hope I Come-Out Smellin’ Pretty On The Other End.
I’m Just A Horrid Patient.
Always Have Been.
Likely Always Will Be.
I Just Wanted To Say Thank You.
Thank You For All The Kind Words, My Peeps.
I’m Doing What I Can To Get Well, Again.
Doin’ What I Can To Be Back Here With Y’all.
Doin’ Doin’ Doin’.
And Hopefully…
…Someday Soon…
…I’ll Be Back In The Saddle…
…Writing With Reckless-Abandon As I Have Before.
For Now…
…However…
…I Think I’m Going To Lay Back Down.
It’s Taken Everything I Have To Write You This Much.
It Doesn’t Seem Like Much…
…But Trust Me It Is.
I Look Forward To The Day Where We Can Jive As Before.
Today…
…Sadly…
…Is Not That Day.
Perhaps Tomorrow?
Perhaps.
First Of All, I Apologize…
…Secondly…
…Well…
…I Don’t Know What Secondly Is.
Just Know I’m Sorry.
I’ve Been Laid-Up For The Past Few Days.
Nauseated…
…Pukey…
…Feeling Like Warmed Over Asshole.
I Tried To Go For A Walk Today…
…The First Time I’d Ventured Out And About Since Thursday.
All It Got Me Was Weaker.
I’ve Dropped 12-Pounds In The The Past 3-Days.
I Can’t Eat.
I Can’t Drink.
I Can’t Anything.
I Just Lay Here.
Feeling Sorry.
The One Time I Get Invited To Spend Time With My Friends…
…I End Up Having To Bow Out Because I Can Hardly Lift Me Head.
And That Just Makes Me Worse.
I Miss My Friends.
I Miss Them Like You Wouldn’t Believe.
I Talk To Them…
…And Yet…
…I Can’t See Them.
Talk About A Real Pisser.
It’s Very VERY Rare That My Friends Want To Spend Time With Me.
Very Rare Indeed.
Yet They Give Me A Chance…
…And I Bow It.
😦
I’m Simply Beside Myself.
I Haven’t Blogged In Days.
I Haven’t Seen Anyone In Days.
I Just Wanna Go Back To Bed, But I Felt I Must Get Something Out There.
I Need Something To Motivate Me.
But This Isn’t Doing It.
It’s Taking Me Forever Just To Get This Far.
What’s Wrong With Me?
Why Must I Always Get Sick Around The Holidays?
Happens Every Year.
I’d Writer More, But I Don’t Have The Energy.
I’m Weak.
I’m Tired.
I Feel Useless.
I Don’t Feel Like I Can Continue.
I Just Wanna Lay Down.
Lay Down And Drop Another 5-Pounds Or So.
Help Me, My Peeps.
Help Me Get My Strength Back.
Help Me Get Vitality Back.
Help Me.
Help, Please.
I Need It.
I Want It.
It’s A Must Have.
I Want To Spend Time With My Friends.
I Want To Be Among The World.
I Want To Be Out And About In The World.
I Just Can’t Be.
😦
I Wanna Feel Good, Again.
I Wanna Feel Like I’m Productive, Again.
I Wanna…
…I Wanna…
…I Wanna.
What’s Wrong With Me?
“The Point Of Living, And Of Being An Optimist, Is To Be Foolish Enough To Believe The Best Is Yet To Come.” –PETER USTINOV
-=SIR PETER ALEXANDER USTINOV=-
((1921–2004))
-=ACTOR=-
-=WRITER=-
-=AUTHOR=-
-=HUMORIST=-
-=SCREENWRITER=-
-=MAGAZINE and NEWSPAPER COLUMNIST=-
(Not So) Random (BOND Blu-ray) Movie Mention: “GOLDENEYE” (1995)
“GOLDENEYE“
…Stars…
PIERCE BROSNAN
SEAN BEAN
JUDI DENCH
FAMKE JANSSEN
IZABELLA SCOROUPCO
…And Was Directed By…
MARTIN CAMPBELL (Who Would Later Go On To Direct “CASINO ROYALE” (2006))
😀 😀 😀
PIERCE Has His BEST Outing As JAMES BOND -007, And He Is At The Top Of His Game, As Are Our Baddies…
…Played By…
SEAN BEAN
…With His Bad-ass Henchman, The Seductively Gorgeous AND Deadly…
FAMKE JANSSEN
😀
BEAN Is A Former “00” Agent Whom Has Gone Rogue, And Whom Is Plotting Against MI 6, And The Rest Of The Words.
SEAN BEAN‘s
(Alex Trevelyan (Formerly 006)
"You Jivin' Me, Turkey?" 