Thinking Aloud: Life Sure Is An Odd Duck, Ain’t It.

Well, Ain’t It?

Sure It Is.

My Life Has Always Been Of The Odder(er) Sort.

I’m The Guy That Everything Just Happened To.

If Something Bad Was Possible, I Took The Brunt.

If Something Good Was Possible, Chances Are It Eventually Did Happen In Some Small Way.

If Something In-Between Was Possible, Chances Are I Got The Far-Far-Far-Worse Side Of It.

But, I’m Not Really In The Mood To Complain.

I’m More Of A Mind To Quickly Say “THANK YOU” To You, My Peeps.

I Have My Reasons For Saying “THANK YOU” To You, And I Know I’ll Be Talking About Them More And More As Time Rolls Onward.

But, For Now, For This Moment, I’m Just A Thankful Man.

A Lot Of People Have Tried, And Have Done Their Bestest(est) To Help Carry Me Through These Past Few Years.

As Of Late Monday Afternoon, I Was Informed That A Longstanding Battle I’ve Been Fighting Has Finally Been Resolved.

It Has Been Resolved In MY Favor.

I Won.

My Life Of Hell And Bullshit And Sickness And Poor-Health And More And More Sickness, And Pain, And Suffering, And Blah Blah Blah, And Yakity Schmakity, Has Finally Paid-Off.

At Least, In Regard To This ONE Little Victory.

However, It Makes Me Feel Best Because FINALLY Someone Took Notice That Was In A Position To Do Something About It.

And, They Sided In My Favor.

I’m Elated,

I Feel An Enormous Sense Of Relief.

The 18,000lbs Elephant, With The 800lbs Gorilla Riding Said Elephant, Feel Lifted From Me.

Now I Just Need To Get This Pesky Monkey Off My Damned Back…

…And Perhaps This Chip Off Of My Shoulder…

…Oh, And The Thorn In My Side…

…Uh…

…Yeah…

…Nevermind.

But, Yes, “THANK YOU” Again, Everyone.

Now, Maybe Life Really Can Start Again.

Or, Hopefully, Continue Just Improving And Improving, Bit By Bit.

That Would Be Most Acceptable.

😉     😀     🙂

“What Happiness Is There…”

“…Which Is Not Purchased With More, Or Less, Of Pain?”

—MARGARET OLIPHANT

-{1828–1897}-

-{{WRITER}}-

-{{AUTHOR}}-

-{{NOVELIST}}-

“There Is NO Remembrance Which Time Does Not Obliterate…”

“…NOR Pain Which Death Does Not Terminate.”

—MIGUEL de CERVANTES

{(1547–1616)}

({(POET)})

({(WRITER)})

({(AUTHOR)})

({(PLAYWRIGHT)})

({(PHILOSOPHER)})

Tell Me What You Think: “Can You Feel A Little Love?…” –DEPECHE MODE’s “Dream On” (2001)

*

** **

“…As Your Bony Fingers Close Around Me…

…Long And Spindly…

…Death Becomes Me…

…Heaven Can You See What I See?…”

…

“…Hey, You Pale And Sickly Child…

…You‘re Death And Living Reconciled…

…Been Walking Home A Crooked Mile…”

…

“…Paying Debt To Karma…

…You Party For A Living…

…What You Take Won’t Kill You…

…But, Careful What You’re Giving…”

…

“…MMHMM…”

…

“…There‘s No Time For Hesitating…

…Pain Is Ready…

…Pain Is Waiting…

…Primed To Do It‘s Educating…”

…

“…Unwanted, Uninvited Kin…

…It Creeps Beneath Your Crawling Skin…

…It Lives Without…

…It Lives Within You…”

…

“…Feel The Fever Coming…

…You’re Shaking And Twitching…

…You Can Scratch All Over…

…But, That Won‘t Stop You Itching…”

…

“…Can You Feel A Little Love?…

…Can You Feel A Little Love?…

…DREAM ON…

…DREAM ON. …”

…

“DREAM ON“ Is, By Far, The Most Popular Jam From DEPECHE MODE‘s Amazing 2001 Album, “EXCITER” !!!

…

** **

*

This Is A Hard Jam To Beat, My Peeps.

“DREAM ON“

…Is One Of The Best Songs, Period, From My Ultra–Favorite Band…

DEPECHE MODE

!!! !!!! !!!

😀       😀

The Lyrics?

BRILLIANT.

The Backing Music And Overall Sound?

QUIRKY–Ass–BRILLIANT.

The Melody And Flow?

Did I Already Use QUIRKY–Ass–BRILLIANT?!

M‘Kay.

How About EVEN–MORE–QUIRKY–Ass–BRILLIANT‘er‘er?!

Awesome!!

I‘m Rollin‘ With It, Then!!!

Can Anyone Really Ask For More From Their Tunage?

NOT. AT. ALL.

Give It A Go, Kiddies.

Tell Me What YOU Think.

I‘m Damned Curious, To Say The Least.

DEPECHE MODE Are Known For Telling YOU To “ENJOY The SILENCE“…

…But, In This Instance, I‘m Honestly Hoping For YOUR Words!!!

ENJOY YOUR DAY, Fo SHO!!!

😀       😀       😀

Does Life Get Any Easier After A Difficult Admission?!?

In Short…

…Maybe?

It’s Very New To Me, So I’m Still Trying To Handle It.

I Risked A Lot, I Believe.

I Risked Losing One Of The Very Best People I Know, Simply Because I Found I Cared For Them Much More Than I’d Ever Expected To.

How Do You Tell Someone You Love That You Really Do Love Them, Knowing Ahead Of Time The Best Response You’re Bound To Receive Is “I Know“???

It’s Not Easy.

Not By Any Stretch Of The Imagination.

In Fact, At The Time, It Was Painful.

I Just Had A Feeling It Wasn’t Going To Go Over Well.

Honestly, I Expected It To Go Over Like A Turd In The Punch-Bowl.

Lucky For Me, The Person I’m Speaking Of Cared More About Our Friendship Than Even I Knew.

I Did Get The “I Know“ But I Also Got An “It’s Alright“ And An “I Understand“…

…Neither Of Which Was I Honestly Expecting.

I Just Knew I Was About To Lose Someone Very Important To Me Because I Cared About Them Way Too Much.

But, I Didn’t.

I Didn’t Lose Them.

In Fact, I Think Our Bond Will Be Even Stronger.

Now That They Know How I Feel, I Don’t Feel The Enormous Weight Pressing Upon Me.

I Don’t Feel The Desperation.

The Want, The Need, To Just Say Something.

I Had Made The Choice To Suffer In Silence For A Long Time Over This.

Perhaps That Part Was A Mistake?

Maybe?

But, Honestly, I Don’t Think So.

I Think The Suffering Part Actually Helped.

Once I Was Finally Able To Work-Up The Courage To Say Something…

…I Went For It.

I Said It.

And I Made Sure I Was Understood.

Now That We’re All Clear On It, I Feel So Much Better.

Well, Better Than I Have For A While.

A Long While.

I’ve Made So Many Mistakes Along The Way.

Mistakes I Can Never Take Back, Nor Ever Be Forgiven For.

I’ve Hurt Some Important People In My Life, While I Was Struggling With My Own Pain And Hurting.

I Suppose One Could Say I Was Projecting My Anguish Onto Others?

I Was Making Others Suffer As I Suffered.

And I Can’t Justify It.

Not. A. Bit. Of. It.

So Now, I’m Left Wondering What The Next Step Is?

Where Do I Go From Here?

In All Honesty, My Peeps, I Haven’t The Foggiest.

I Know Life Will Never Be Easy…

…But Perhaps Now It Will Be A Little Easier?

Maybe?

I’ll Take A “Maybe?” At This Point, Fo SHO!

😉

Writing For The Sake Of Writing Is NOT (always) The Best Reason For Doing So…

…Or, So I’ve Been Informed.

However…

…At Times Like These I Think That Statement Is Total BS.

Some Of Us Don’t Have A Reason For Doing So.

If And When I DO Have A Really Real Personal Item For Writing…

…I Tend To Procrastinate Like A Mo FO, Fo SHO.

If I’m Writing For The Sake Of Doing So…

…I Usually End-Up Finishing, Regardless Of The Topic.

Once I Get On A Roll…

…Well…

…You’d Best Be Lookin’-Out.

ANYWAY…

…My Reason For Writing Today Is A Good One…

…Or So I Believe.

I Was Going To Talk About Writing In General.

I Was Going To Talk About How I Don’t Consider Myself A Good One (read as “Person”).

I Was Going To Talk About Life, In All It’s Oddly Intriguing Ways.

Now, I’m Unsure.

The Topic That Was In My Head Would’ve Honestly Needed More Tinkering Than I’m Allowing Myself.

So, What To Talk About?

I Suppose My Favorite Topic Is PAIN.

Real…

…Perceived…

…Imaginary.

Pain That Physically Hurts.

Pain That Mentally Hurts.

And…

…Of Course…

…Pain That Emotionally Hurts.

I’ve Made Some Of My Business Open, And How I Feel Like A Dealer In PAIN.

Not That I Want To Administer It.

No No.

Just That I Think I Understand It.

The Question Then Becomes…

…What Have I Learned-About-It/Taken-Away-From-It?

That It F-In’ Hurts, For Starters.

Whether It’s Happening Directly To You…

…Or To Someone You Know, Or Are With.

Whether It Happens Here…

…Or In Some Far Away City/State/Country.

At Those Times, We Remember All About Our Pains…

…Personal AND Perceived.

So…

…Do We Feel Pain Because Something Happened To Distress People?

Honestly…

…Not Really.

We Try To.

We Just Can’t Totally Connect To The People, And Therefore We Will Unlikely Totally Connect With Them, Nor Their Actions.

"Better ThEM THAN Than ME"

…And I See Nothing To Support An Argument Otherwise.

Now…

…Do We Feel Pain Because Something Happens To Someone We Know AND Love?

Yes.

Yes We Do.

We Feel It Keenly And Hardcore.

So Why?

Why Does Pain Attack Us Most When It’s Someone Personal To Us, And Not Toward Those Elsewhere?

Because We’re (mostly) Numb.

Numb From Seeing It On TV, CONTINUALLY.

Numb From The Video Games That The Kids Play With These Days.

Numb From Movies…

…Numb From The News…

…Numb, Numb, NUMB!!!

Numb Is The ONLY Reason To Do What We Do At Times.

At Other Times, It Takes A Better Approach.

The Problem Is DISCOVERING, Simply, WHAT The Better Approach Really REALLY  IS.

Sadly…

…Bradley Does NOT Know What Said Better Approach Really Is.

I Never Have.

I Make Decisions, Yes, But Almost Always I Do So Out Of My Own Personal State Of Numbness.

Sometimes, I Convey My Feelings Quite Well.

The Rest Of The Times I Consider Myself A Failure In That Department.

I Don’t Know How To Be Subtle.

I Don’t Know How To Be Absolutely Careful In My Personal Situations.

I’ve Done So SO Many Stupid Things In Life.

And Those Things Sincerely Stick In My Craw.

They Massively Stick in My Craw…

…And I’m Unable To Find A Happy Medium.

Period.

I Hate Being Extreme.

Too Far Right Means I’m An Asshole For Life With Sincerely No Opinions Other Than Those Already Expressed By Others.

I’d Believe In God…

…I’d Believe In Guns…

…Nuf ‘Ced.

Too Far To The Left, I’m A Radical.

I’m An Outcast.

I’m The Blackest Sheep In A Family Of Black Sheep.

Sheesh.

Once Again, I’ve Written Myself In A Sort-Of Circle.

I Don’t Know What I Should Do With My Issues, Other Than Ignoring Them.

But That’s The Biggest Problem Of All.

I Shut My Feelings Off Way Too Easily…

…And Always Keep Myself Very Calm…

…Centered…

…But When One Door Closes Another Opens…

…Right???

RIGHT!!!

A Chapter Of My Life Has Ended.

Honestly…

…I’m Glad It’s Done And Over-With.

One Less Perpetual Headache To Handle.

Once Again…

…I Was Cold.

I Was Sleepy.

I Was Ready To Be Done.

My Problem Is…

…How I Managed This.

I’m Likely In For A Round Of Bashing.

Those Happen Anyway, Without My Assistance.

Holy Shit, My Peeps.

Yet Another Aimless Ramble.

I (almost) Never Sicken Of The Things We Call Daily Life…

…(almost).

Then Rest Is Always Preferred.

Publishing,  Regardless, Is One Of True Bliss.

So, Perhaps I Should Digress For The Moment With A Digression.

I Have A Pot of Coffee, A Smoke Rolled-Up.

I’m Even Listening To…

“HALO“

by DEPECHE MODE

…So GO ME!

December 28TH, My Nephew Will Be Staying Here With My family And I.

So, That’s Cool.

MY BEST To Your AND Yours, My Peeps.

L8r L8r, Tater-Tots!!!

–BRADLEY ALAN

Love. It’s Painful And Sickening… …But It’s Love.

I Have Never Shied Away From Love.

I Have Always Believed Love Is As Essential To Life As Air And Water.

I Have Also Always Believed That One Person Needn’t Love Just One Person.

One True Love May Be How The Fairytale Goes…

…But It’s Not How Life Goes.

Not Real Life, Anyway.

I’ve Had 10 Relationships Overall…

…And I Can Tell You That Of Those 10 I Was Seriously In Love With 4 Of Them.

Of Those Include…

…The Original…

…The One Whose Heart I Broke…

…The One Who Broke My Heart.

But There Were Others.

There Were Outsiders.

People I Wasn’t In A Relationship With, Yet I Loved With Every Fiber Of My Being.

Actually, There Are More Of Those Than There Are Those I Was In A Really Real Relationship With.

So How Do You Know It’s Love?

Like, When It’s Really Really REAL Love?

Honestly, That’s The Hard Part.

Separating Feelings.

Knowing What’s Real.

What’s Being Made-Up.

It’s A Rather Daunting Task At Times, My Peeps.

Right Now…

…At THIS Moment….

…If You Were To Ask Me If I Were In Love…

…I’d Say YES.

But If You Asked Me To Break-It-Down For Y’all…

…I’d Almost Have To Plead The 5TH.

WHY?

Because I Have Multiple Loves.

Because I Can’t Name Just One Person.

Because To Answer The Question Honestly And Sincerely…

…I Have To Hurt Someone Else.

My Head Says Do This And Do It This Way.

My Heart Says Do This And Do It This Way.

But Neither My Head NOR My Heart Is Giving Me The Same Answer.

If I Were Thinking With Only My Head, This Post Wouldn’t Even Be Happening.

But I’m Not.

I’m More So Thinking With My Heart…

…And, For Me, That Generally Spells Trouble.

I Just Can’t Seem To Shake This.

Can’t Seem To Shake These Feelings Of Regret.

What Did I Do Wrong?

Where Did I Go Wrong?

How Could I Have Done Better?

Would We Still Be Together Had I Not Been Me?

It’s Maddening.

It Only Serves To Make Me Sicker.

It’s Hard To Heal A Body That Has A Head AND Heart Ache.

I Am Trying.

I Really Am.

It’s Just Not Happening For Me.

I Was Doing So Much Better Until Recently.

I Was Keeping My Shit Together.

I Was Able To Compartmentalize My Feelings.

I Kept It All Straight.

I Kept It All Separated.

I Kept My Feelings OUT Of Any And All Situations.

And Now, That Feels Impossible.

My Feelings Have Been Unleashed And I Don’t Know How To Recapture Them.

I Don’t Know How To Suck It All Back Up Inside.

I Want To.

I Want To Go Back To Being Emotionless.

That Was Much Easier To Manage.

At Least…

…It Was For ME.

We Are Emotional Creatures, I Know I Know.

But That Doesn’t Mean We Have To Lead With Our Emotions.

It Just Means We Have Them…

…And They’ll Likely Cloud Whatever It Is We’re Trying To Convey To Others.

I Call Love “Painful And Sickening” And I’m Very Right About That.

Love IS “Painful” And Always Will Be.

Love IS ALSO “Sickening” And I’m Only Just Learning This.

These Past Few Days…

…I’ve Been Ultra-Ill…

…And Hadn’t Yet Figured Out WHY.

That Is Not Until I Sat Down And Began To Pen This Piece.

Then I Realized Something.

This All Started When Someone Invited Me Over To Their Place.

Someone I Sincerely Care For.

Someone I Honestly Love.

Someone Who Doesn’t Feel The Same Way Toward Me And Never Ever Will.

And…

…To Add Insult To Injury…

…Another Person I Sincerely Care For And Honestly Love Was Going To Be There.

So I Would Have Been There.

Sitting.

Watching The Two Of Them.

Knowing How I Feel.

Knowing How They’ll Never Feel.

It Drives Me Bonkers, My Peeps.

I’ve Been Lost In Thought.

And I Don’t Know How To Snap Out Of It.

How Could I Be So Damned Foolish, My Peeps?

How Could I Let This Happen?

Falling In Love With A Friend Is Bad Enough…

…But To Fall For His Ex-Fiance Is Just A Blunder Of Epic Proportions.

I Don’t Take Love Lightly.

I Used To.

I Used To Fall In and Out Of Love Very Easily.

But Not Anymore.

Now It Takes Time.

It Takes Patience.

And When It Happens…

…It Hits Fast…

…It Hits Hard…

…It Hits WITHOUT Mercy.

It Doesn’t Care About WHO Or WHAT It Tramples…

…It Just Wants What It Wants And That’s It.

That’s All That Matters.

At Least, At The Time.

I Hate Love.

The Highest Highs.

The Lowest Lows.

The Horrid Feelings One Has When They Realize Love Has Come And Gone Yet Again.

Is It Worth it?

Is It Really Worth It?

Knowing You’re Going To Be Hurt In Every Instance?

Knowing The Fairytale Won’t Come True Yet Again…

…And You’ll Be Left To Sift Through The Proverbial Ashes?

I Just Don’t Know, My Peeps.

I Just Don’t Know.

I Am In Love.

I Am Deeply In Love.

It’s Just Not All Directed Toward The Same Person.

Will That Be My Downfall?

Is That Why I’ve Been Sick?

How Does One Escape Its Evil Clutches?

How Does One Pick-up And Carry-On?

How Does One Tell The Person He Loves That He Loves Someone Else, Also?

It’s Crazy.

Simply Crazy.

How Could I Be So Foolish, My Peeps?

And At What Cost?

We Don’t Get To Choose Who We Love.

Love Chooses Who It Loves.

And It’s NOT Always The Person We Would Like It To Be.

Sometimes…

…Love Takes A Very Wide Turn.

Sometimes…

…Love Takes Us In A Direction We’re Not Expecting.

Sometimes…

…Love Can Be Blissful AND Wonderful.

And Sometimes…

…Love Can Be Painful AND Sickening.

It Leaves Us Wondering.

It Leaves Us Wanting.

It Leaves Us.

And There’s No Stopping It.

It’s A Vengeful Bitch That Must Have Its Fill.

When It’s Done…

…It’s Done.

And Not Until.

I’m Going To End This With A Quote.

One I’ve Found That Totally Sums-Up Everything I’ve Said Here.

“THE SWEETEST JOY, THE WILDEST WOE, IS LOVE.”

—PHILIP JAMES BAILEY

“The Pain Of the Mind Is Worse Than The Pain Of The Body.” –PUBLILIUS SYRUS

-=PUBLILIUS SYRUS=-

-{1ST Century B.C. – 1ST Century A.D.}-

-=WRITER Of MAXIMS=-

“Pain Nourishes Courage…”

“…You Can’t Be Brave If You’ve Only Had Wonderful Things Happen To You.”

—MARY TYLER MOORE

-(1936–Present)-

–ACTRESS–

–EMMY AWARD WINNER–

–GOLDEN GLOBE AWARD WINNER–

–PHILANTHROPIST–