Well, I know it has been a long long while…

…But I sincerely felt the need to do-up a quick post for y’all.

You see, I got to spend tonight conversing with a close friend.

It had been forever and a day since we’d spent any time together, and the conversation was exceptionally enlightening.

We talked about this and that, and it was all very helpful to me.

Eventually, the conversation turned to life, love, and relationships.

He bluntly stated that I sincerely need to make-my-move on my best friend.

We’ve been the best of friends for quite some time, and it’s no secret at all that I’ve been madly in-love with him for the past two years.

It’s an odd situation, to say the least.

Honestly, I would have made my move a long while ago, but I just haven’t felt like the timing was proper.

Yes, I love him.

Yes, I want him.

Yes, I’d give anything to make him mine Mine MINE.

The biggest reason I haven’t made said move is because I don’t sincerely believe he would say “YES!” to my proposal.

I know it’s odd for a man to be madly in-love with his best friend, but it’s a situation I simply cannot escape.

Soooooo…

…what do I do???

He knows I love him.

He knows I care about him above all others.

He knows I’d marry him at the drop of a hat.

Sadly, I think that’s why nothing has progressed between us.

There’s no challenge.

There’s no mystery.

There’s simply He and I.

The thing is, not much would honestly change between us if we did become an exclusive item.

I just don’t know what to do, kiddies.

I’m happy.

I’m comfortable.

But, alas, I want MORE.

Period.

So, again, what does one do???

How do you tell the person you consider your closest companion that you would be even happier and more contented if he would simply marry you???

His family is in my corner.

Our friends are in my corner.

Everyone of any importance in our worlds seem to feel that we would be the ideal couple.

I totally agree.

The thing is, I don’t think he does.

That’s what’s most difficult.

If he would only say “YES!” to my advances, I’m sure life would grow by leaps and bounds.

I am a man in-lust.

I am a man in-love.

I am a man who wants what he wants, and I’m getting sick and tired of feeling unwanted and under-appreciated.

So, again, I ask “WHAT DO I DO???”

Do I throw caution to the wind and simply go for it?

Or, should I simply be contented with things as they are?

I know, I know…

…I’ve written about this same subject many a time, but the issue continues to plague me.

Am I happy? YES.

Could I be much much happier? YES YES.

And, would I give a year of my life to simply know the answer to the question that continues to haunt my day to day existence? YES YES YES.

It makes me feel pathetic at times, but I don’t rightly care.

I want what I want.

And all I want is HIM.

Period. Period. Period.

“I’m Not Going Down On My Knees, Begging You To Adore Me…”

“…Can’t You See It’s Misery, And Torture For Me?

When I’m Misunderstood…

…Try As Hard As You Can…

…I’ve Tried As Hard As I Could…

…To Make You See…

…How Important It Is For Me.”

“Here Is A Plea…

…From My Heart To You…

…Nobody Knows Me…

…As Well As You Do…

…You Know How Hard It Is For Me…

…To SHAKE THE DISEASE…

…That Takes Hold Of My Tongue In Situations Like These.

Understand Me…

…Understand Me.

Understand Me…

…Understand Me. …”

… … … … … … …

… … … … …

… … …

…

I’ve had this song…

“SHAKE THE DISEASE“

by DEPECHE MODE

…on my mind for a few days, now.

It’s a song I’ve known, seemingly, forever.

And, yet, it has been locked inside my brain-case, rolling around over and over again.

It’s a song that says a helluva lot, especially to me.

Especially right now.

You see, I’m still dealing with the most common issue I’ve discussed with y’all many times over…

…LOVE.

Or, well, a lack-there-of.

I still find myself fighting a personal battle with myself over the whole idea of Love, Loving, Being In-Love, and Being In-Love with someone I probably shouldn’t be In-Love with at all.

It’s just life, I know that.

It’s just a normal thing, right?

Riiiiiiight???

Hmm.

I just feel this song says exactly what I NEED it to say.

Exactly what I WANT to say, but can’t.

I remain a man lost in the throws of love and passion.

Time continues to pass me by, and yet my feelings remain the same.

I’m still In-Love.

I just don’t know how much longer I can continue to fight what seems to be a losing battle.

No one loses all the time.

There are always some elated moments of bliss.

Those moments when you’re very Very VERY sure everything is working-out and going your way.

They’re very few and far between, but they’re there.

They do exist.

I know they do, as I experience them.

And I relish in them.

But, it’s simply getting harder and harder to truly feel as though everything really is going to work-out.

I want it to.

I want nothing more than that.

I just don’t know if it’s really going to happen.

I went to bed last night with this song blaring in my mind.

I awoke this morning, and my first thought, again, was this song.

I knew the only way to get it out of my head was to write something about it.

To get it out of me and onto this screen.

And, so, here I am.

Writing about this to all of you.

Not knowing what I really want/need to be saying.

Just knowing that I MUST MUST MUST say something.

Period.

Later Nights… …Earlier Mornings: An Insomniac’s Tale of Life and Love

I’m not altogether sure where this is going to go…

…BUT…

…I am sure it’s going to go somewhere.

So stick with me, please?

Thanks!

… … …

.. ..

.

Have you ever been torn, My Peeps?

Wow.

Wait.

Okay, I do realize that can be taken sooooo many ways…

(((many of them dirty dirty)))

…so I’ll do my best to clarify.

Have you ever been torn by LOVE?

Knowing you want to be with someone, but knowing you really enjoy the person you’re with at that moment?

Well…

…it has happened to me.

It has happened multiple times, honest.

As far back as I could remember, I was generally with one person while already having wanted, and still wanting, to be with a certain someone else.

I get with someone because they’re very special to me, but all the while I have someone else on the front of my brain.

Someone else whom I already love/want/need/require.

Someone else whom I know I probably can never, and will never, truly call “MINE.”

And, no matter how wonderful things might become with the one person, you still yearn for the certain someone else.

Knowing/Hoping/Feeling/Thinking things WOULD be better if you were truly with the someone else.

It’s crazy, I know.

But, I also believe it to be human nature.

Right?

I mean, it is, right?

“The Grass Is Always Greener Somewhere F*ckin’ Else, And All That Jazz!”

That’s how that goes, riiiiiiight?

Hmm.

Moving On.

Until last night, I truly was torn.

Torn between the lover I once had, whom is now an exceptionally close friend…

…and the man I’ve loved for over a year, whom isn’t mine in any way except in the ways that should truly truly matter.

I’ve been torn, because I can’t spend all the time with the both of them that I’d really like.

And, honestly, it had become harder to juggle.

Last night, however, I had a long talk with the now friend (former lover).

We discussed so much, it was amazing.

He’s not the easiest to speak to at times when the conversation is of a personal nature such as this one was.

But, last night, he was jovial.

He was kind.

He was insightful.

He was respectful.

And he flat-out told me that he felt things would be better for ME if I really did spend more time with the someone else.

He’s not dismissing me.

We’re still going to see each other a lot.

But, now, I truly have the freedom to spend all the time with the someone else whenever I choose.

I won’t have to dance around and be pissy because I have to cancel on one to see the other.

My friend wishes me to explore things with the someone else, knowing now how I truly feel.

Thing is, all of this took place around MIDNIGHT.

And it didn’t end there.

My friend and I stayed up talking for hours and hours, and it was a truly grand experience.

We watched some “BATTLESTAR GALACTICA” and some “STAR TREK: TNG”…

…and then we watched “DARKMAN” on the Blu-ray.

By 3:30am, I was texting with the someone else.

And things couldn’t be better, at least in regard to all of the before mentioned.

We’re cool.

We’re all cool.

So, for the first time in a long time, the tension I’ve felt has lifted.

I feel amazingly contented and relaxed.

I’m happy.

Happy to know I didn’t lose a good friend.

Happy to know I didn’t lose the man I love.

Happy to know things are working out exactly as I had hoped, instead of how I had sadly expected.

Expectations can be a major High, or a major Low Low Low.

I was in the midst of a Low Low Low mindset toward my Expectations.

Instead, I was surprised with the elation of everything working out as I’d truly hoped hoped hoped they would.

Amazing.

I finally went to sleep around 5:30am…

…and was awake and writing this by 7:30am.

I know good moods aren’t forever.

They don’t last.

They can’t last.

Not really real ones.

But, for now, I’m into a really good mood mindset.

And I’m really hoping it’s able to perpetuate for a while.

That would be very nice.

I could use more good days.

This is the first time in a long long long time my not being able to sleep has led to something positive.

Insomnia almost always sucks ass.

Last night, it was an asset.

Go figure, eh?

Yeah.

Go figure.

😉

“Wise Men Say… …Only Fools Rush In…” ((“CAN’T HELP FALLING IN LOVE” by ELVIS PRESLEY (1961)))

…

“…But, I Can’t Help…

…Falling In Love With You…”

…

“…Shall I Stay?…

…Would It Be A Sin?…

…If I Can’t Help…

…Falling In Love With You?…”

…

“…Like A River Flows…

…Surely To The Sea…

…Darling, So It Goes…

…Some Things Are Meant To Be…”

…

“…Take My Hand…

…Take My Whole Life, Too…

…For I Can’t Help…

…Falling In Love With You. …”

…

… … … … … … …

So, Yeah, I’ve Been On A Bit Of An ELVIS Kick, Recently.

I Mean, Can You Really Blame Me?

The Man Was A Master Of His Craft, Fo SHO.

His Music Never Fails To Make Me Smile…

…And, Sometimes, That’s Really All I’m Looking For In Some Quality Tunage.

This Particular Song…

“CAN’T HELP FALLING IN LOVE“

…Is A Prime-Cut-Example Of Said Quality Tunage.

This Was Actually One Of The Very First ELVIS Songs I’d Ever Heard, And It Has Continued To Be A Personal Favorite Since Early Childhood.

To My Friends, I Was Always A Bit Weird In This Regard.

While They Were Busy Listening To The Jams Of The Day…

…The Current Top 40, And So On…

…I Was Busy Listening To The Songs Of My Parent’s Youth.

While Most Rebelled And Shied Away From Their Parents Music…

…I Embraced It.

This Song Has Been Stuck In My Head For A Little While Now…

…And Y’all Know How I Operate.

When Something Is Locked Into My Brain, I Have But One True Outlet:

I Blog About It.

I Honestly Don’t Have A Ton To Say About This Little Number…

…Aside From How Brilliantly Beautiful It Truly Is.

It’s A Song That Sincerely Will Stick With You, As It Has With Me My Entire Life.

It Is, By Far, One Of The Most Wonderfully Simple Songs Ever To Spring Forth From The World That Is ELVIS PRESLEY…

…And It Is A Song I’m Very Happy To Share With Y’all, This Morning.

I Hope You Do Enjoy It, My Peeps.

Perhaps You Won’t Love It As Much As I Do…

…But, It’s Very Hard To Scoff At.

A True-Blue-Classic If Ever There Was One.

Take Care, And Be Good, My Peeps.

Much Love To You All.

I’m Sure We’ll Have Much More To Discuss As The Year Rolls On…

…But, I Just Had To Share This One With You.

ENJOY, My Peeps, ENJOY!!!

😀

So, I’ve Had A String Of Overtly Off Moments, Lately…

…And Tonight It Has Really Snowballed Into A Very Deep Depression.

I Know Most Say You Shouldn’t Write For Publication At Times Like These, But, In This Case, It Can’t Be Helped.

It’s Not Your Usual Depression About Your Usual Mundane Bullshit.

Not This Time, Anyway.

For Those Of You Whom Have Read Me For The Past (almost) Two Years, You Know That, While I Do Acquaint Myself With Other People On Occasion, I Generally Spend Most Of My Time Alone.

I Live In My Head, And Am Generally Not The Best Of Company.

I Tend To Be Really Quiet,,, ,,,Except When I Laugh.

I Get My Money’s Worth When I Do Bellow Out A Jolly One.

Aside From My Eyes, My Best Feature May Actually Be That Laugh.

I Even Snort… …On Occasion.

That Generally Means I’ve Laughed Too Hard.

Sadly, Aside From The Time I Spend With Someone Very Special To Me, I Tend To Not Laugh At All.

I Giggle A Bit… …But It’s Internal.

Outwardly, I’m A Tad Cold.

The Problem Is…

...As It Always Is In My World...

…Knowing Some Of Those I Love Most, Are Those Whom Don’t Really Share The Feeling.

I Constantly Get The Feeling Other People Lie And Say They Enjoy My Company, But It’s Only Because They Truly (deep down) Feel Sorry For Me.

Seeing Me Makes Them Realize How Grand Their Life Has The Potential To Be, And Might Already Be.

I’ve Failed At Every Venture I’ve Ever Undertaken.

Every. Single. One.

Alright…

…I Did Win A “First Place Superior” In The 6th Grade Science Fair.

But, They Gave Out Like 10 Of Those.

So, Honestly, It Never Felt Like A True Victory.

Anyway, Sorry, I’m Drifting.

The Point Is…

…I’ve Been The Saddest Boy In The World For The Past 48-Hours, And It’s Literally Driving Me Crazy.

My Thoughts And Feelings Have Been Running Rampant, And They’re Literally Driving Me (even more-so) Crazy!

Can I Pinpoint The Biggest Issue?

Yes.

Can I Do Anything Whatsoever To Correct Said Biggest Issue?

Not. At. All.

I Know They Say You Shouldn’t Worry About What You Can’t Control, But Piss On Them.

They Just Don’t Get It, Or Are Lying To You AND Themselves.

I Can’t Control How I Feel…

…Yet It Constantly Worries The Everlasting Shit Out Of Me.

You Want A Little Detail?

Fine.

I Have TWO (2) Best Friends…

…One Straight, One Gay.

The Straight One I’ve Known Since The Age Of 2yo, And We’ve Been Best Friends Since The Age Of 10yo.

The Gay One I’ve Known For Three Years…

…And I’ve Been In Love With Him For The Past Two.

That’s What Has Me So Depressed, Kiddies.

The Fact That I Can’t Get Myself Over Those Extra Feelings.

Loving Someone Is Important, Especially Someone You Call Your BFF.

But, Being IN-LOVE With Said BFF???

O M F G

I Don’t Even Know Where To Begin On How That Feels.

For The Most Part, It’s A Mix Of Extreme Joy AND Extreme Pain.

I’ve Loved Before, Sure.

I’ve Loved Many People In My 30+Years On Earth.

But, Never Like This.

Never This Strongly.

And, Yes, I Already Know It Has Very Little Chance To Become More Than What It Already Is…

…More Than What We Already Are.

Yet, I Don‘t Waiver.

I Don‘t Stop Feeling As I Do.

I Don‘t Stop Wanting As I Do.

Needing As I Do.

It‘s Insane.

It‘s Killing Me.

It‘s Crushing What Spirit I May Have.

Yet, I Don‘t Waiver.

SOOOOO…

…You Tell Me, My Peeps…

…Am I A Fool, Or Just Being Foolish?

There IS A Difference, You Know… …Riiiiiiiiigh???

RIGHT!!!

My Curiosity Abounds, Kiddies.

Honestly And Truly It Does!

What’s Worse… …???

Yesterday Evening, I Posed A Question On My Facebook Page.

I Felt It Was Pretty Cut And Dry.

“What‘s Worse…
…Feeling Like You‘re Betraying Someone You Love…
…Or, Knowing You‘re Betraying Your Own Heart???
Either Way, You Lose.
Right???
So, What’s Worse???”

And, Well,  Since I Didn‘t Get The Responses I Was Truly Hoping For, I‘ve Decided To Pose The Same Question To Y‘all.

I Really Do Wish To Know What People Think (((Sometimes))) And I Can‘t Think Of Anything I‘d Rather Have Answered.

So, What Do You Think, My Peeps???

WHAT‘S WORSE???

My Curiosity Abounds.

Fighting Physical Cravings: How Does One Do It???

Sooo…

…How Does One…

…How Do YOU Fight Those Cravings Of The Flesh???

How Do You Not Feel Affectionate…

…Nor Aroused…

…Nor Just Plain Horny, When You See Certain Parts Of Your Lover That GREATLY Turn-You-On???

I Don’t Even Mean This In A Dirty Way.

Not Really.

The Blade Of Their Hip–Bone, Slightly Sticking–Out, Lightly Exposed, While You‘re Laying Together.

(((That's MY FAVORITE, By The Way.)))

Or, The Curve Of Their Neck Into Their Naked Shoulder.

Or, Their Amazingly Clear And Beautiful Eyes, After Removing Their Wiry–Glasses.

I Sincerely Can’t Help Myself In The Presence Of These Things.

Strange, But Wonderful, Sensations Flood My Mind And Body.

I Want To Trace, And Lightly Tongue, That Hip–Blade.

I Want To Nibble And Nite And Kiss The Neck, The Curve, And The Naked Shoulder.

I Want To Stare Into Those Eyes Allllll–Night–Long…

…And Into The Following Morning.

THE SPARK…

…My Muse…

…My Lust…

…My Love…

…My Desire…

…Makes Me Burn.

Not With Anything Bad.

No.

Well, Not Really.

But, I Do Burn.

I Burn With WANT And NEED.

How Does One, In The End, Fight Against WANT And NEED???

I Can't.

“Love Is A Conflict…”

 “…Between Reflexes And Reflections.”

—MAGNUS HIRSCHFELD

-{{1868–1935}}-

-(((PHYSICIAN And SEXOLOGIST)))-

“He Told Me A Heart Can’t Smile… …If It’s Filled With Tears…”

“…Growing Up, I Thought “It‘s All Gone“…

…Now It Comes Back To Me, Again…

…Ghetto Uniform…

…Collect Calls…

…That I Can Explain…

…All The The Things I‘ve Ruined…

…Abandoned…

…They Come Back To Me…”

…

…

“…HOLDIN‘ ON TOGETHER…

…I Try To Set The Night On Fire…

…HOLDIN‘ ON TOGETHER…

…I Try To Set The Night On Fire…

…HOLDIN‘ ON TOGETHER…

…I Try To Set The Night On Fire…

…HOLDIN‘ ON TOGETHER…

…I Try To Set The Night On Fire…”

…

…

“…He Told Me For Those Who‘ve Been Drowned…

…There Is No Refrain…

…With One And Only Youth…

…A Gospel…

…I Do What I Can…”

…

…

“…HOLDIN‘ ON TOGETHER…

…I Try To Set The Night On Fire…

…HOLDIN‘ ON TOGETHER…

…I Try To Set The Night On Fire…

…HOLDIN‘ ON TOGETHER…

…I Try To Set The Night On Fire…

…HOLDIN‘ ON TOGETHER…

…I Try To Set The Night On Fire…”

… … …

.. ..

.

Over This Past Weekend, I Was Introduced To The Band…

PHOENIX

…And This Song…

“HOLDIN‘ ON TOGETHER“

…Which I Immediately Fell In Love/Lust With.

It’s Perky.

It’s Quirky.

It’s Catchy.

It Makes Me Smile.

Can’t Ask For Much More From Your Music, Right???

RIGHT!!!

“HOLDIN‘ ON TOGETHER“

…Was Released On The Album…

“ALPHABETICAL“

…In 2004.

I Know I’d Heard This Little Tune On The Radio At Some Point, And I Liked It, But Knew Absolutely Nothing About It, Nor The Band Performing It.

Now, Well, I Simply Can’t Get Enough Of It.

I’m Unsure How Many Times I’ve Listened To It In The Past Few Days, But I Know It’s A Metric-Ass-Ton.

But, For Me, That’s Just How I Roll.

I Find Something New That I Greatly Enjoy, And I Go For It.

If It’s Song, I Listen To It Over And Over.

If It’s A Movie, I’ll Likely Watch It Multiple Times In A Short Span Of Days.

If It’s A Book, I’ll Read It All The Way Through, And Then Do So Again.

I Get On My Kicks, Ya Know?!

SURE YOU DO!!

A Lot Of You Are Exactly The Same.

I’m Just Sure Of That.

I Just Hope Y’all Enjoy This Little Number.

This Song Is Now Permanently Linked With A Special Someone In My World.

Every Time I Hear It, I Think About Him.

Sometimes, That’s A Wonderful Thing.

Sometimes, That’s A Horrid Thing.

It Really Depends On My Mood, To Be Honest.

Nevertheless, I Continue To Listen To It…

…And Love It…

…And Enjoy It.

Period.

Feelings Are Funny Things, And It’s Crazy How They Can Be Linked To Something Like This.

But, That’s Life.

Right???

RIGHT!!!

I Included A Link To The Song, So PLEASE Give It A Listen.

Let Me Know What You Think.

You May Not Enjoy It As Much As I Do…

…Or You May Enjoy It Even More.

You’ll Just Have To Give It A Go And Find Out!!!

Ready For A Musical Adventure???

AWESOME!!!

Then Let’s Go!!!

Have A Grand Day, Kiddies.

Take Care AND Be Good.

😉     😀     🙂