“I’m Not Going Down On My Knees, Begging You To Adore Me…”

“…Can’t You See It’s Misery, And Torture For Me?

When I’m Misunderstood…

…Try As Hard As You Can…

…I’ve Tried As Hard As I Could…

…To Make You See…

…How Important It Is For Me.”

“Here Is A Plea…

…From My Heart To You…

…Nobody Knows Me…

…As Well As You Do…

…You Know How Hard It Is For Me…

…To SHAKE THE DISEASE…

…That Takes Hold Of My Tongue In Situations Like These.

Understand Me…

…Understand Me.

Understand Me…

…Understand Me. …”

… … … … … … …

… … … … …

… … …

…

I’ve had this song…

“SHAKE THE DISEASE“

by DEPECHE MODE

…on my mind for a few days, now.

It’s a song I’ve known, seemingly, forever.

And, yet, it has been locked inside my brain-case, rolling around over and over again.

It’s a song that says a helluva lot, especially to me.

Especially right now.

You see, I’m still dealing with the most common issue I’ve discussed with y’all many times over…

…LOVE.

Or, well, a lack-there-of.

I still find myself fighting a personal battle with myself over the whole idea of Love, Loving, Being In-Love, and Being In-Love with someone I probably shouldn’t be In-Love with at all.

It’s just life, I know that.

It’s just a normal thing, right?

Riiiiiiight???

Hmm.

I just feel this song says exactly what I NEED it to say.

Exactly what I WANT to say, but can’t.

I remain a man lost in the throws of love and passion.

Time continues to pass me by, and yet my feelings remain the same.

I’m still In-Love.

I just don’t know how much longer I can continue to fight what seems to be a losing battle.

No one loses all the time.

There are always some elated moments of bliss.

Those moments when you’re very Very VERY sure everything is working-out and going your way.

They’re very few and far between, but they’re there.

They do exist.

I know they do, as I experience them.

And I relish in them.

But, it’s simply getting harder and harder to truly feel as though everything really is going to work-out.

I want it to.

I want nothing more than that.

I just don’t know if it’s really going to happen.

I went to bed last night with this song blaring in my mind.

I awoke this morning, and my first thought, again, was this song.

I knew the only way to get it out of my head was to write something about it.

To get it out of me and onto this screen.

And, so, here I am.

Writing about this to all of you.

Not knowing what I really want/need to be saying.

Just knowing that I MUST MUST MUST say something.

Period.

So, I’ve Had A String Of Overtly Off Moments, Lately…

…And Tonight It Has Really Snowballed Into A Very Deep Depression.

I Know Most Say You Shouldn’t Write For Publication At Times Like These, But, In This Case, It Can’t Be Helped.

It’s Not Your Usual Depression About Your Usual Mundane Bullshit.

Not This Time, Anyway.

For Those Of You Whom Have Read Me For The Past (almost) Two Years, You Know That, While I Do Acquaint Myself With Other People On Occasion, I Generally Spend Most Of My Time Alone.

I Live In My Head, And Am Generally Not The Best Of Company.

I Tend To Be Really Quiet,,, ,,,Except When I Laugh.

I Get My Money’s Worth When I Do Bellow Out A Jolly One.

Aside From My Eyes, My Best Feature May Actually Be That Laugh.

I Even Snort… …On Occasion.

That Generally Means I’ve Laughed Too Hard.

Sadly, Aside From The Time I Spend With Someone Very Special To Me, I Tend To Not Laugh At All.

I Giggle A Bit… …But It’s Internal.

Outwardly, I’m A Tad Cold.

The Problem Is…

...As It Always Is In My World...

…Knowing Some Of Those I Love Most, Are Those Whom Don’t Really Share The Feeling.

I Constantly Get The Feeling Other People Lie And Say They Enjoy My Company, But It’s Only Because They Truly (deep down) Feel Sorry For Me.

Seeing Me Makes Them Realize How Grand Their Life Has The Potential To Be, And Might Already Be.

I’ve Failed At Every Venture I’ve Ever Undertaken.

Every. Single. One.

Alright…

…I Did Win A “First Place Superior” In The 6th Grade Science Fair.

But, They Gave Out Like 10 Of Those.

So, Honestly, It Never Felt Like A True Victory.

Anyway, Sorry, I’m Drifting.

The Point Is…

…I’ve Been The Saddest Boy In The World For The Past 48-Hours, And It’s Literally Driving Me Crazy.

My Thoughts And Feelings Have Been Running Rampant, And They’re Literally Driving Me (even more-so) Crazy!

Can I Pinpoint The Biggest Issue?

Yes.

Can I Do Anything Whatsoever To Correct Said Biggest Issue?

Not. At. All.

I Know They Say You Shouldn’t Worry About What You Can’t Control, But Piss On Them.

They Just Don’t Get It, Or Are Lying To You AND Themselves.

I Can’t Control How I Feel…

…Yet It Constantly Worries The Everlasting Shit Out Of Me.

You Want A Little Detail?

Fine.

I Have TWO (2) Best Friends…

…One Straight, One Gay.

The Straight One I’ve Known Since The Age Of 2yo, And We’ve Been Best Friends Since The Age Of 10yo.

The Gay One I’ve Known For Three Years…

…And I’ve Been In Love With Him For The Past Two.

That’s What Has Me So Depressed, Kiddies.

The Fact That I Can’t Get Myself Over Those Extra Feelings.

Loving Someone Is Important, Especially Someone You Call Your BFF.

But, Being IN-LOVE With Said BFF???

O M F G

I Don’t Even Know Where To Begin On How That Feels.

For The Most Part, It’s A Mix Of Extreme Joy AND Extreme Pain.

I’ve Loved Before, Sure.

I’ve Loved Many People In My 30+Years On Earth.

But, Never Like This.

Never This Strongly.

And, Yes, I Already Know It Has Very Little Chance To Become More Than What It Already Is…

…More Than What We Already Are.

Yet, I Don‘t Waiver.

I Don‘t Stop Feeling As I Do.

I Don‘t Stop Wanting As I Do.

Needing As I Do.

It‘s Insane.

It‘s Killing Me.

It‘s Crushing What Spirit I May Have.

Yet, I Don‘t Waiver.

SOOOOO…

…You Tell Me, My Peeps…

…Am I A Fool, Or Just Being Foolish?

There IS A Difference, You Know… …Riiiiiiiiigh???

RIGHT!!!

My Curiosity Abounds, Kiddies.

Honestly And Truly It Does!

How Important Is FORGIVENESS???

In Short…

…It Means The World At That Time.

The Point I Wish To Make With This Post Is That FORGIVENESS May Mean Life.

At Least, Now It Does.

I Was Forgiven For An Exceptional Injustice.

I Was Shocked.

I Was Amazed.

I Didn’t Feel I Deserved It…

…But I Got It.

To Be Forgiven By Another Is One Thing.

To Forgive One’s Self Is Totally Another.

He Forgave Me, Yet I Can’t Seem To Do The Same For Myself.

I Wish I Could Go Back.

I Wish I Could Stop What I Did Before It Ever Happened.

(((Side Note: I'd Cry, But I'm So Sick Right Now I Can Barely Write.)))

I Was So SO Foolish, And He Deserved Sooo Much More.

Much Better Than I Gave Him.

I Know The Eventual Outcome Wasn’t My Fault.

It Was A Moment Of Pure Stupidity On His Part.

But, That Doesn’t Change How I Feel.

I Wish It Did, But It Didn’t.

I’ve Been Sick, Since.

Since The Forgiveness.

It Just Doesn’t Feel Right.

I Wish He’d Ripped Me A New One.

I Wish He’d Dropped The Bomb On Me.

But, He Didn’t.

He Told Me I Shouldn’t Feel The Blame.

He Told Me That It  Wasn’t My Fault.

That It’s Nothing I Should Ever Worry Myself About.

But, I Can’t Do That.

I Try Try TRY…

…But I Can’t Do It.

God How I Wish I Could.

I Think My Life Would Be A Lot Different Had I Sucked-It-Up And Carried-On.

But, I Didn’t.

I Let It Eat At Me.

I Let It Destroy Me.

I Let It…

…I Let it…

…I Let It.

Ya Know What, Screw This Post.

I Have So Much I Want To Say…

…Yet Know I’ll Never Be Able To.

So I’ll End This Here.

Just Know, My Peeps, That You Are Loved AND Cared About Deeply.

If I’ve Wronged You…

…I’m Sorry.

I Tend To Rub People The Wrong Way, Which Is Why I’m Apologizing.

I Can Only Hope That…

…With TIME  And PATIENCE…

…I’ll Be Able To Get Beyond All Of This.

This Blog Post Is Evidence Of That.

I’m Trying To Move Beyond This, Kids.

Perhaps, One Day, I’ll Be Able To Do So.

Perhaps.

“A Person Is Only As Good As What They Love.” –SAUL BELLOW

-=SAUL BELLOW=-

-{{1915–2005}}-

-((WRITER))-

-((PULITZER PRIZE WINNER))-

-((NOBEL PRIZE WINNER))-

“At The Touch Of Love, Everyone Becomes A Poet.” –PLATO

-<<PLATO>>-

-<<<c. 428 B.C. – c. 348 B.C.>>>-

-<<<WRITER>>>-

-<<<PHILOSOPHER>>>-

“LOVE And THOSE WE LOVE”

I’m Calling This Piece…

“LOVE And THOSE WE LOVE“

by BRADLEY ALAN

…Ready???

…

… … …

“I Am In Love.

I Have Been For A Long While, Now.

Problem Is, It’s UN-Reciprocated Love.

Meaning: The Person I Love Does In No Way Love Me.

I Wish He Did.

I Wish A Lot Of Things.

But, This Most Of All.

And Yet, I Know It Will Never Happen.

I’m Not His Type.

He Is Mine.

He Is Mine To A Perfect “T”.

When He’s In A Good Mood…

…As Am I.

When He’s In A Downer Mood…

…As Am I.

He Makes Me Happy.

I Could Only Hope To Make Him Happy.

So Why Even Bother?

Because, I Don’t Know Any Other Way To Be.

I Often Say I’ll Never Be Happy.

That Being Happy Is Something Beyond My Power…

…And For The Most Part, That’s Correct.

I’ve Never Known Happiness.

That Is, Until I Met Him.

He Makes Me Laugh.

He Makes Me Smile.

He Makes Me Happy.

He Makes Me Sad.

He Makes Me Contemplative.

He Makes Me Think About Things I’d Never Considered Thinking.

He Is…

…To ME…

…As Close To Perfect As One Could Be.

I Never Cease To Smile When We’re Together.

And Yet…

…This Love Is UN-Reciprocated.

One Day, Perhaps.

But, Not Today.

Not Now.

Not Anytime Soon.

And That Makes Me Sad.

It Makes Me Sad Beyond Belief.

And Yet, I Cling.

I Hang On.

I Have To.

If I Don’t, It Would Feel Like A Failure.

Another Failure.

I Am NOT A Failure.

He Constantly Reminds Me Of This.

He Reminds Me That There Is Someone Out There For Me.

But, I Don’t Want Someone Else.

I Know Who Am.

I Know What I Want.

I Know What’s Worth Waiting For.

I Know He’s Worth Everything.

So, I’ll Wait For Him.

I Deserve That.

He Deserves That.

And So, I Wait.

No Promises.

No Nothing.

It’s Just A Hope.

Hope Is What I Have.

Hope Is What We Have.

It’s Just Hard.

Hard To Be In Love.

Am I A Fool?

Am I Crazy?

No.

I Don’t Think So.

I’m Just A Man.

A Man Deeply In Love.

Foolish…

…Crazy…

…Love.

Will My Heart Be Broken?

Yeah.

Most Likely.

Do I Care?

Not. A. Bit.

Why?

Because Love Means IT.

Love Is The All.

The Everything.

The One Thing That Trumps The Highest Hand.

And I…

…Unlike Others…

…Am Willing To Suffer For It It.

Always Have Been.

Always Will Be.

Period.

I Just Wish He Felt The Same.

But He Doesn’t.

At Least, Not With Me.

He’s Promised To The Future.

Promised To The Endless Possibilities That The Future’s Willing To Spew-Forth.

He Doesn’t Love Me.

And That’s The Hardest Pill To Swallow.

To Lose-Out To The Unknown.

Does He Know I’m Here?

Does He know I’m Right Here…

…Ready, Willing And Able?

Does He Know I’d Love Him Unlike Anyone Has Ever Loved Him?

Maybe?

But In The End…

…I LOSE.

Ain’t That A Bitch.“

😦