I’m not altogether sure where this is going to go…
…I am sure it’s going to go somewhere.
So stick with me, please?
… … …
Have you ever been torn, My Peeps?
Okay, I do realize that can be taken sooooo many ways…
(((many of them dirty dirty)))
…so I’ll do my best to clarify.
Have you ever been torn by LOVE?
Knowing you want to be with someone, but knowing you really enjoy the person you’re with at that moment?
…it has happened to me.
It has happened multiple times, honest.
As far back as I could remember, I was generally with one person while already having wanted, and still wanting, to be with a certain someone else.
I get with someone because they’re very special to me, but all the while I have someone else on the front of my brain.
Someone else whom I already love/want/need/require.
Someone else whom I know I probably can never, and will never, truly call “MINE.”
And, no matter how wonderful things might become with the one person, you still yearn for the certain someone else.
Knowing/Hoping/Feeling/Thinking things WOULD be better if you were truly with the someone else.
It’s crazy, I know.
But, I also believe it to be human nature.
I mean, it is, right?
“The Grass Is Always Greener Somewhere F*ckin’ Else, And All That Jazz!”
That’s how that goes, riiiiiiight?
Until last night, I truly was torn.
Torn between the lover I once had, whom is now an exceptionally close friend…
…and the man I’ve loved for over a year, whom isn’t mine in any way except in the ways that should truly truly matter.
I’ve been torn, because I can’t spend all the time with the both of them that I’d really like.
And, honestly, it had become harder to juggle.
Last night, however, I had a long talk with the now friend (former lover).
We discussed so much, it was amazing.
He’s not the easiest to speak to at times when the conversation is of a personal nature such as this one was.
But, last night, he was jovial.
He was kind.
He was insightful.
He was respectful.
And he flat-out told me that he felt things would be better for ME if I really did spend more time with the someone else.
He’s not dismissing me.
We’re still going to see each other a lot.
But, now, I truly have the freedom to spend all the time with the someone else whenever I choose.
I won’t have to dance around and be pissy because I have to cancel on one to see the other.
My friend wishes me to explore things with the someone else, knowing now how I truly feel.
Thing is, all of this took place around MIDNIGHT.
And it didn’t end there.
My friend and I stayed up talking for hours and hours, and it was a truly grand experience.
We watched some “BATTLESTAR GALACTICA” and some “STAR TREK: TNG”…
…and then we watched “DARKMAN” on the Blu-ray.
By 3:30am, I was texting with the someone else.
And things couldn’t be better, at least in regard to all of the before mentioned.
We’re all cool.
So, for the first time in a long time, the tension I’ve felt has lifted.
I feel amazingly contented and relaxed.
Happy to know I didn’t lose a good friend.
Happy to know I didn’t lose the man I love.
Happy to know things are working out exactly as I had hoped, instead of how I had sadly expected.
Expectations can be a major High, or a major Low Low Low.
I was in the midst of a Low Low Low mindset toward my Expectations.
Instead, I was surprised with the elation of everything working out as I’d truly hoped hoped hoped they would.
I finally went to sleep around 5:30am…
…and was awake and writing this by 7:30am.
I know good moods aren’t forever.
They don’t last.
They can’t last.
Not really real ones.
But, for now, I’m into a really good mood mindset.
And I’m really hoping it’s able to perpetuate for a while.
That would be very nice.
I could use more good days.
This is the first time in a long long long time my not being able to sleep has led to something positive.
Insomnia almost always sucks ass.
Last night, it was an asset.
Go figure, eh?
…And Tonight It Has Really Snowballed Into A Very Deep Depression.
I Know Most Say You Shouldn’t Write For Publication At Times Like These, But, In This Case, It Can’t Be Helped.
It’s Not Your Usual Depression About Your Usual Mundane Bullshit.
Not This Time, Anyway.
For Those Of You Whom Have Read Me For The Past (almost) Two Years, You Know That, While I Do Acquaint Myself With Other People On Occasion, I Generally Spend Most Of My Time Alone.
I Live In My Head, And Am Generally Not The Best Of Company.
I Tend To Be Really Quiet,,, ,,,Except When I Laugh.
I Get My Money’s Worth When I Do Bellow Out A Jolly One.
Aside From My Eyes, My Best Feature May Actually Be That Laugh.
I Even Snort… …On Occasion.
That Generally Means I’ve Laughed Too Hard.
Sadly, Aside From The Time I Spend With Someone Very Special To Me, I Tend To Not Laugh At All.
I Giggle A Bit… …But It’s Internal.
Outwardly, I’m A Tad Cold.
The Problem Is…
...As It Always Is In My World...
…Knowing Some Of Those I Love Most, Are Those Whom Don’t Really Share The Feeling.
I Constantly Get The Feeling Other People Lie And Say They Enjoy My Company, But It’s Only Because They Truly (deep down) Feel Sorry For Me.
Seeing Me Makes Them Realize How Grand Their Life Has The Potential To Be, And Might Already Be.
I’ve Failed At Every Venture I’ve Ever Undertaken.
Every. Single. One.
…I Did Win A “First Place Superior” In The 6th Grade Science Fair.
But, They Gave Out Like 10 Of Those.
So, Honestly, It Never Felt Like A True Victory.
Anyway, Sorry, I’m Drifting.
The Point Is…
…I’ve Been The Saddest Boy In The World For The Past 48-Hours, And It’s Literally Driving Me Crazy.
My Thoughts And Feelings Have Been Running Rampant, And They’re Literally Driving Me (even more-so) Crazy!
Can I Pinpoint The Biggest Issue?
Can I Do Anything Whatsoever To Correct Said Biggest Issue?
Not. At. All.
I Know They Say You Shouldn’t Worry About What You Can’t Control, But Piss On Them.
They Just Don’t Get It, Or Are Lying To You AND Themselves.
I Can’t Control How I Feel…
…Yet It Constantly Worries The Everlasting Shit Out Of Me.
You Want A Little Detail?
I Have TWO (2) Best Friends…
…One Straight, One Gay.
The Straight One I’ve Known Since The Age Of 2yo, And We’ve Been Best Friends Since The Age Of 10yo.
The Gay One I’ve Known For Three Years…
…And I’ve Been In Love With Him For The Past Two.
That’s What Has Me So Depressed, Kiddies.
The Fact That I Can’t Get Myself Over Those Extra Feelings.
Loving Someone Is Important, Especially Someone You Call Your BFF.
But, Being IN-LOVE With Said BFF???
O M F G
I Don’t Even Know Where To Begin On How That Feels.
For The Most Part, It’s A Mix Of Extreme Joy AND Extreme Pain.
I’ve Loved Before, Sure.
I’ve Loved Many People In My 30+Years On Earth.
But, Never Like This.
Never This Strongly.
And, Yes, I Already Know It Has Very Little Chance To Become More Than What It Already Is…
…More Than What We Already Are.
Yet, I Don‘t Waiver.
I Don‘t Stop Feeling As I Do.
I Don‘t Stop Wanting As I Do.
Needing As I Do.
It‘s Killing Me.
It‘s Crushing What Spirit I May Have.
Yet, I Don‘t Waiver.
…You Tell Me, My Peeps…
…Am I A Fool, Or Just Being Foolish?
There IS A Difference, You Know… …Riiiiiiiiigh???
My Curiosity Abounds, Kiddies.
Honestly And Truly It Does!
Normally, When I Do A Piece On A Song, I Start With The Lyrics.
But I Know The Bulk Of You Already Know Them.
You Have The Potential To Know Them VERY Well, Actually.
The “I’m A Barbie Girl“…
…“In A Barbie World“…
…Yaddi Yaddi Yadda…
I Knew You Would!
…In September Of 1997…
…My Best Friend And I Called-In To A Local Radio Station…
…THREE (3) NIGHTS IN-A-ROW…
…In SUPPORT of The Song…
…To Help It WIN A “Battle Of The Songs” Thingy…
…From The Album…
“Three Other Bullshit Songs I Don’t Remember?“
? ? ?
…That Really Happened.
The 4TH Night Of The Contest…
…We Didn’t Call-In…
…NARROWLY, I Might Add.
…I DO Still Listen To It.
Never The Whole Song.
Usually Just About 62-Seconds’ish Of It Is Sufficient.
Then I Push The “->” Button.
(“->” aka “Next Song, Please” btw)
Most People Can Only Last About The 2-Seconds’ish Part.
Does That Make Me Bad?
I Promise It’s Not The “Song Part” That I Love!
It’s Those Ought-Damned “Memory Thingies” Again!
It Get Nostalgic About Things Like That All The Time, As You Know.
…That Song Popped-Up…
…And I Was Immediately Taken Back To September 1997.
What A Time.
And Ya Know What?!
While I Look Fondly Upon It…
…I Wouldn’t Wanna Relive It.
It’s Fine Just The Way It Is.
…I Still Smile.
Regardless Of Where I Am…
…Or What I’m Doing…
…When I Hear…
…My First Reaction Is ALWAYS A Smile.
😀 😀 😀
Rest Easy, My Peeps.