So, I’ve Had A String Of Overtly Off Moments, Lately…

…And Tonight It Has Really Snowballed Into A Very Deep Depression.

I Know Most Say You Shouldn’t Write For Publication At Times Like These, But, In This Case, It Can’t Be Helped.

It’s Not Your Usual Depression About Your Usual Mundane Bullshit.

Not This Time, Anyway.

For Those Of You Whom Have Read Me For The Past (almost) Two Years, You Know That, While I Do Acquaint Myself With Other People On Occasion, I Generally Spend Most Of My Time Alone.

I Live In My Head, And Am Generally Not The Best Of Company.

I Tend To Be Really Quiet,,, ,,,Except When I Laugh.

I Get My Money’s Worth When I Do Bellow Out A Jolly One.

Aside From My Eyes, My Best Feature May Actually Be That Laugh.

I Even Snort… …On Occasion.

That Generally Means I’ve Laughed Too Hard.

Sadly, Aside From The Time I Spend With Someone Very Special To Me, I Tend To Not Laugh At All.

I Giggle A Bit… …But It’s Internal.

Outwardly, I’m A Tad Cold.

The Problem Is…

...As It Always Is In My World...

…Knowing Some Of Those I Love Most, Are Those Whom Don’t Really Share The Feeling.

I Constantly Get The Feeling Other People Lie And Say They Enjoy My Company, But It’s Only Because They Truly (deep down) Feel Sorry For Me.

Seeing Me Makes Them Realize How Grand Their Life Has The Potential To Be, And Might Already Be.

I’ve Failed At Every Venture I’ve Ever Undertaken.

Every. Single. One.

Alright…

…I Did Win A “First Place Superior” In The 6th Grade Science Fair.

But, They Gave Out Like 10 Of Those.

So, Honestly, It Never Felt Like A True Victory.

Anyway, Sorry, I’m Drifting.

The Point Is…

…I’ve Been The Saddest Boy In The World For The Past 48-Hours, And It’s Literally Driving Me Crazy.

My Thoughts And Feelings Have Been Running Rampant, And They’re Literally Driving Me (even more-so) Crazy!

Can I Pinpoint The Biggest Issue?

Yes.

Can I Do Anything Whatsoever To Correct Said Biggest Issue?

Not. At. All.

I Know They Say You Shouldn’t Worry About What You Can’t Control, But Piss On Them.

They Just Don’t Get It, Or Are Lying To You AND Themselves.

I Can’t Control How I Feel…

…Yet It Constantly Worries The Everlasting Shit Out Of Me.

You Want A Little Detail?

Fine.

I Have TWO (2) Best Friends…

…One Straight, One Gay.

The Straight One I’ve Known Since The Age Of 2yo, And We’ve Been Best Friends Since The Age Of 10yo.

The Gay One I’ve Known For Three Years…

…And I’ve Been In Love With Him For The Past Two.

That’s What Has Me So Depressed, Kiddies.

The Fact That I Can’t Get Myself Over Those Extra Feelings.

Loving Someone Is Important, Especially Someone You Call Your BFF.

But, Being IN-LOVE With Said BFF???

O M F G

I Don’t Even Know Where To Begin On How That Feels.

For The Most Part, It’s A Mix Of Extreme Joy AND Extreme Pain.

I’ve Loved Before, Sure.

I’ve Loved Many People In My 30+Years On Earth.

But, Never Like This.

Never This Strongly.

And, Yes, I Already Know It Has Very Little Chance To Become More Than What It Already Is…

…More Than What We Already Are.

Yet, I Dont Waiver.

I Dont Stop Feeling As I Do.

I Dont Stop Wanting As I Do.

Needing As I Do.

Its Insane.

Its Killing Me.

Its Crushing What Spirit I May Have.

Yet, I Dont Waiver.

SOOOOO…

…You Tell Me, My Peeps…

…Am I A Fool, Or Just Being Foolish?

There IS A Difference, You Know… …Riiiiiiiiigh???

RIGHT!!!

My Curiosity Abounds, Kiddies.

Honestly And Truly It Does!

So... Are YOU Jivin Me -questionmark-

Me & “Mr. Negative” Over Here…

…Wanted To Apologize For All The Negativity I’ve Spewed Of Late, My Peeps.

When Things Start Going Wrong For A Person, They Usually Do So In Rather LARGE Clumps.

Yes

…Some Have Said I’ve Been Waaaaay Too Harsh On Myself.

Maybe I Have.

Maybe I Haven’t.

Who’s To Say???

Exactly, My Peeps.

But, That’s Not My Current Point.

I’m Talking About My Negative Approach To…

…Ohhh…

…99.993% Of My Recent Life?!

(((Give Or Take A % Or Two.)))

That Part Is Totally MY BAD.

It Hasn’t Always Been That Way, As You’re Well Award.

I Can BE Negative.

I Am NOT Always This “MR. NEGATIVE” Creature.

Lately…

…”MR. NEGATIVE” Is All I’ve Been, Though.

It Hasn’t Mattered What It Was…

…Chances Are It PISSED ME OFF.

It’s For THAT, And Mainly That Alone, I’m Really Sorry.

I Can’t Be Sorry For What I Said.

They Were Honest Expressions Of The Moment’s Emotions.

I Can Regret Them…

…But I Can’t Truly Be Sorry For Them.

I Meant Them.

SO

What Have I Learned From This???

Well, I Hate Exterior Drama And How It Perpetuates Itself.

I Create Enough Drama For Myself.

I’m Evidence Of That.

Ain’t That A BIG FO SHO.

: /

It’s Just Life, Kids.

I Know You Understand My Jive.

It’s Not Set.

Sometimes, I Fu*k-It-Up.

You Do It.

YOU DO!

You Could Slow Life Down To The Millisecond, And You’d Still Find A Way To Fu*k-It-Up!

YOU WOULD!

That’s How Life Works.

Goin’ Good…

…Goin’ Good…

Dammit

…Goin’ Good…

…Goin’ Good…

Dammit

Dammit

DAMMIT!

It Never Fails.

Since I Had The Option, I Blogged During My Issues.

Smart Idea?

???

The Jury Is Still Out On This One, Judge(s).

BUT, I Remain Hopeful.

😉

I Often Refer To My Blog As An Evolution.

It Is.

I’m Constantly Growing As A Blogger…

…And I Try To Learn More From BOTH My Successes AND My Failures.

Needless To Say…

(((Though I'm Going To Say It)))

…I’m Still Learning.

I’m Finding More And More Folks Seem To Care About My Work When I’m Cranking Out Quotes, Or I’m Discussing Personal Drama.

I’m Not Really Sure How To Take That.

Not YET, Anyway.

So... Are YOU Jivin Me -questionmark-

“…God Have Mercy On The Man Who Doubts What He’s Sure Of.” –BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN (from his “Brilliant Disguise” (1987))

"BRILLIANT DISGUISE" (1987) by BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN

BRILLIANT DISGUISE” (1987) by BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN

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Well, My Peeps…

…Bradley Was Taken-To-Task, Tonight.

He Was Coldly (yet thoughtfully) Reminded He’s Not Making The Progress He Should Be On His “Non-Blog” Creative-Writing Endeavors.

And Ya Know Something, Kiddies, He’s Very VERY Correct.

I’m Not Making The Progress I Should Be.

I’ve Let My Emotions Overload My Better Judgment…

…Again.

I’ve Spent Most Of My Time So Worried And Focused On Other Things I’ve Not Really Spent The Time I Should Be Spending On My More Pressing Projects.

In Short…

…I’ve Been SLACKING.

That’s The Only Way To Explain It.

I’ve. Been. SLACKING.

Period.

No One Will Ever Take Me Seriously Until I Have Something To Show For My Efforts.

Will They?

No.

Probably Not.

Until It’s A Reality, It’s Just A Dream.

Correct?

Correct.

So I’m Throwing Myself Into My Work, Again.

It Really Would Make Me Feel Like A Fraud If I Never Completed One Of These Stories.

I’ve Worked So Long, And So Hard On Them.

I Can’t Just Give-‘Em-Up.

I Can’t Just Walk-Away.

I Can’t Just Quit.

I’ve Done That With Nearly Everything I’ve Ever Set-Out-To-Do In My Whole Life.

Talk About A Tough Pill To Swallow.

Ignoring It Has Been Easy.

Realizing It?

Facing It?

Those Have Both Just Sucked Some Major Asshole.

Dealing With It?

I Am.

I So Am.

I Feel Like I’ve Been Wearing Different Masks For A Long Time.

Different Disguises.

I Know That’s Why This Song…

BRILLIANT DISGUISE

by BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN

…Resonated With Me So Much, Tonight.

I’ve Been Hiding Because I Doubt Myself.

I Doubt Every Move I Make.

I Doubt Every Move I Don’t Make.

I Doubt Every Thought…

…Every Memory…

…Every Known-Fact…

…Every Unknown-Fact.

Doubt…Doubt…Doubt.

For A Man With A Memory As Acute As Mine…

…That’s A Helluva Lot Of Doubts.

I Used To Be So Sure.

Sure Of Every Action.

Sure Of Every Inaction.

Sure That What I Was Doing Was How I Should Be Doing It.

Sure Of This.

Sure Of That.

Sure…Sure…Sure.

I’m Not Sure When The Doubts Set In.

I Am Sure There Has To Have Been An Event.

There Has To Be A Trigger.

Like Anything Else…

…There Is Cause And Effect.

“A” Happens, And Thus “B” Happens.

That Might Be Oversimplifying It, But It Works.

It Does What I Need It To Do.

I Was A Man Who Was Sure Of Everything.

And Became A Man Who Is Sure Of Nothing.

Something Happened Along The Way.

Some Moment.

Some Event.

Some Trigger.

Am I Right About This?

I Am…Right???

This Final Line Of The Song Is What Really Got Me:

-“…God Have Mercy On The Man Who Doubts What He’s Sure Of.“-

I May Not Be A Man Of Faith, But I Can Totally Identify With What’s Being Said.

I Was Sure Of What I Wanted.

I Was Sure Of How To Get It.

I Was Sure Of How It Was Going To Go Down.

I Was Sure Of Myself.

Then, I Stumbled.

Somewhere Along The Way, I Stumbled.

Time To Pull-Up The Ole Bootstraps And Carry-On, Eh?!

Eh, Indeed!!

I Know How To Write.

I Know I Know How To Write.

So Why The Hell Haven’t I Been Writing?

Like My Friend Told Me…

…My Blog IS A HOBBY.

It IS NOT A PROFESSION.

Somewhere Along The Way I Forgot That Little Fact, Also.

I Love My Blog.

I Have Fun With My Blog.

It Brings Me Joy.

But, In The End, It Really Is Just A Hobby…

…Isn’t It?

Accordingly, I Must Treat It As Such.

Something To Tinker With When The Real Work Has Ceased For The Day.

Right?!

RIGHT!!

Midnight Is Drawing Near.

I Suppose I’ve Said What Needed To Be Said.

I’m Grateful To My Friend For Having The Balls To Just Break-It-Down For Me Like That.

The Best Way To Thank Him, However, Would Be To Excel.

I’m NOT SURE I Can.

I AM SURE I Can Try Try TRY.

Rest Easy, My Peeps.

Friday Is Here.

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😀       😀       😀

I Do So Enjoy Being Proud Of Myself…

…But Not Because I’m (truly)Proud Of Myself.

I’m Proud Of The Fact I Didn’t F*uck-Something-Up…

AGAIN!

This Is What I Can Do:

I’m A Constant Tinkerer-er In Regard To Most Things, Especially IF I’m Interested In It.

But, I Like Understanding The Main Questions One Should Always Ask…

…Especially Those That Yield The Most Answers To my Quarry…

…Or, Are Likely To Yield.

WHO/WHOM?

WHAT?

WHEN?

WHERE?

WHY?

HOW?

If I Get Those Things, I’m Generally Content.

But, Sometimes  Getting Them All Just Isn’t Enough.

I’m Proud Of Myself For (almost) Being Careful (to a point), (almost) Being Optimistic (though not really), (almost) Open (either to greatness, or to a fault, whichever comes), And (almost) Able To Function. Life Doesn’t Come With A Manual, But You Already Know That. I Just Sincerely Wish There Really Was Something (something at all).

I Do Not “Get” (read as “understand”) Things Faith Based…

…But, I Do Get Those That Are Reality Based.

I Accept REALITY Over FAITH Any Moment Of Any Day.

From What I’ve Seen/Done In Life…

…I Honestly Don’t Care What The Situation Is.

I Care About What I Care About.

I Care About My Peeps, Myself, And Other People’s Approval Of Me.

Not Acceptance.

Approval.

There IS A Difference.

All Of What I Talk About Is MY Personal Anguish And Joy.

How I’m Feeling.

How I Got Hurt.

How I Made Myself Suffer.

How I Made Someone Else Suffer.

How I Truly Look-At/Consider Topics, And And Certain Things.

I’m Not Sheltered.

I’m Rather Worldly.

I’ve Been All Over The World, As A Matter Of Fact.

And It’s Taught Me That You CANNOT Always Put Yourself “Out There” So So SO Much.

Anyway.

My Head Hurts.

My Eyes Hurt.

I Think It Could Be Bedtime.

Or, It’s Very Close At-Hand.

😉

And Now…

…I Leave You All With The Song That’s Been Playing In My Ear For Nearly 30-Minutes…

BILLY JOEL‘s Exceptionally Fun Jam “KEEPING THE FAITH” From (1983)

Sleep Sweet, My Peeps.

We ALL Deserve It.

So We’re Going To Get It.

Damn Skippy?

DAMN SKIPPY!

so-are-you-jivin-me-questionmark.jpg

😐       😉      😐

“Only Aim To Do Your Duty…”

“…And Mankind Will Give You Credit Where You Fail.

THOMAS JEFFERSON

(17431826)

A FOUNDING FATHER

Our 1ST SECRETARY Of STATE

Our 2ND VICE-PRESIDENT

And

Our 3RD PRESIDENT Of The UNITED STATES Of AMERICA