I’m not altogether sure where this is going to go…
…I am sure it’s going to go somewhere.
So stick with me, please?
… … …
Have you ever been torn, My Peeps?
Okay, I do realize that can be taken sooooo many ways…
(((many of them dirty dirty)))
…so I’ll do my best to clarify.
Have you ever been torn by LOVE?
Knowing you want to be with someone, but knowing you really enjoy the person you’re with at that moment?
…it has happened to me.
It has happened multiple times, honest.
As far back as I could remember, I was generally with one person while already having wanted, and still wanting, to be with a certain someone else.
I get with someone because they’re very special to me, but all the while I have someone else on the front of my brain.
Someone else whom I already love/want/need/require.
Someone else whom I know I probably can never, and will never, truly call “MINE.”
And, no matter how wonderful things might become with the one person, you still yearn for the certain someone else.
Knowing/Hoping/Feeling/Thinking things WOULD be better if you were truly with the someone else.
It’s crazy, I know.
But, I also believe it to be human nature.
I mean, it is, right?
“The Grass Is Always Greener Somewhere F*ckin’ Else, And All That Jazz!”
That’s how that goes, riiiiiiight?
Until last night, I truly was torn.
Torn between the lover I once had, whom is now an exceptionally close friend…
…and the man I’ve loved for over a year, whom isn’t mine in any way except in the ways that should truly truly matter.
I’ve been torn, because I can’t spend all the time with the both of them that I’d really like.
And, honestly, it had become harder to juggle.
Last night, however, I had a long talk with the now friend (former lover).
We discussed so much, it was amazing.
He’s not the easiest to speak to at times when the conversation is of a personal nature such as this one was.
But, last night, he was jovial.
He was kind.
He was insightful.
He was respectful.
And he flat-out told me that he felt things would be better for ME if I really did spend more time with the someone else.
He’s not dismissing me.
We’re still going to see each other a lot.
But, now, I truly have the freedom to spend all the time with the someone else whenever I choose.
I won’t have to dance around and be pissy because I have to cancel on one to see the other.
My friend wishes me to explore things with the someone else, knowing now how I truly feel.
Thing is, all of this took place around MIDNIGHT.
And it didn’t end there.
My friend and I stayed up talking for hours and hours, and it was a truly grand experience.
We watched some “BATTLESTAR GALACTICA” and some “STAR TREK: TNG”…
…and then we watched “DARKMAN” on the Blu-ray.
By 3:30am, I was texting with the someone else.
And things couldn’t be better, at least in regard to all of the before mentioned.
We’re all cool.
So, for the first time in a long time, the tension I’ve felt has lifted.
I feel amazingly contented and relaxed.
Happy to know I didn’t lose a good friend.
Happy to know I didn’t lose the man I love.
Happy to know things are working out exactly as I had hoped, instead of how I had sadly expected.
Expectations can be a major High, or a major Low Low Low.
I was in the midst of a Low Low Low mindset toward my Expectations.
Instead, I was surprised with the elation of everything working out as I’d truly hoped hoped hoped they would.
I finally went to sleep around 5:30am…
…and was awake and writing this by 7:30am.
I know good moods aren’t forever.
They don’t last.
They can’t last.
Not really real ones.
But, for now, I’m into a really good mood mindset.
And I’m really hoping it’s able to perpetuate for a while.
That would be very nice.
I could use more good days.
This is the first time in a long long long time my not being able to sleep has led to something positive.
Insomnia almost always sucks ass.
Last night, it was an asset.
Go figure, eh?
…And Tonight It Has Really Snowballed Into A Very Deep Depression.
I Know Most Say You Shouldn’t Write For Publication At Times Like These, But, In This Case, It Can’t Be Helped.
It’s Not Your Usual Depression About Your Usual Mundane Bullshit.
Not This Time, Anyway.
For Those Of You Whom Have Read Me For The Past (almost) Two Years, You Know That, While I Do Acquaint Myself With Other People On Occasion, I Generally Spend Most Of My Time Alone.
I Live In My Head, And Am Generally Not The Best Of Company.
I Tend To Be Really Quiet,,, ,,,Except When I Laugh.
I Get My Money’s Worth When I Do Bellow Out A Jolly One.
Aside From My Eyes, My Best Feature May Actually Be That Laugh.
I Even Snort… …On Occasion.
That Generally Means I’ve Laughed Too Hard.
Sadly, Aside From The Time I Spend With Someone Very Special To Me, I Tend To Not Laugh At All.
I Giggle A Bit… …But It’s Internal.
Outwardly, I’m A Tad Cold.
The Problem Is…
...As It Always Is In My World...
…Knowing Some Of Those I Love Most, Are Those Whom Don’t Really Share The Feeling.
I Constantly Get The Feeling Other People Lie And Say They Enjoy My Company, But It’s Only Because They Truly (deep down) Feel Sorry For Me.
Seeing Me Makes Them Realize How Grand Their Life Has The Potential To Be, And Might Already Be.
I’ve Failed At Every Venture I’ve Ever Undertaken.
Every. Single. One.
…I Did Win A “First Place Superior” In The 6th Grade Science Fair.
But, They Gave Out Like 10 Of Those.
So, Honestly, It Never Felt Like A True Victory.
Anyway, Sorry, I’m Drifting.
The Point Is…
…I’ve Been The Saddest Boy In The World For The Past 48-Hours, And It’s Literally Driving Me Crazy.
My Thoughts And Feelings Have Been Running Rampant, And They’re Literally Driving Me (even more-so) Crazy!
Can I Pinpoint The Biggest Issue?
Can I Do Anything Whatsoever To Correct Said Biggest Issue?
Not. At. All.
I Know They Say You Shouldn’t Worry About What You Can’t Control, But Piss On Them.
They Just Don’t Get It, Or Are Lying To You AND Themselves.
I Can’t Control How I Feel…
…Yet It Constantly Worries The Everlasting Shit Out Of Me.
You Want A Little Detail?
I Have TWO (2) Best Friends…
…One Straight, One Gay.
The Straight One I’ve Known Since The Age Of 2yo, And We’ve Been Best Friends Since The Age Of 10yo.
The Gay One I’ve Known For Three Years…
…And I’ve Been In Love With Him For The Past Two.
That’s What Has Me So Depressed, Kiddies.
The Fact That I Can’t Get Myself Over Those Extra Feelings.
Loving Someone Is Important, Especially Someone You Call Your BFF.
But, Being IN-LOVE With Said BFF???
O M F G
I Don’t Even Know Where To Begin On How That Feels.
For The Most Part, It’s A Mix Of Extreme Joy AND Extreme Pain.
I’ve Loved Before, Sure.
I’ve Loved Many People In My 30+Years On Earth.
But, Never Like This.
Never This Strongly.
And, Yes, I Already Know It Has Very Little Chance To Become More Than What It Already Is…
…More Than What We Already Are.
Yet, I Don‘t Waiver.
I Don‘t Stop Feeling As I Do.
I Don‘t Stop Wanting As I Do.
Needing As I Do.
It‘s Killing Me.
It‘s Crushing What Spirit I May Have.
Yet, I Don‘t Waiver.
…You Tell Me, My Peeps…
…Am I A Fool, Or Just Being Foolish?
There IS A Difference, You Know… …Riiiiiiiiigh???
My Curiosity Abounds, Kiddies.
Honestly And Truly It Does!
“…Make It A Point To Remember Them. If You Remember My Name, You Pay Me A Subtle Compliment. You Indicate That I Have Made An Impression On You. Remember My Name And You Add To My Feeling Of Importance.”
“I Hold On So Nervously…
…To Me And My Drink…
…I Wish It Was Cooling Me. …”
“…But, So Far Has Not Been Good…
…It‘s Been Shitty…
…And, I Feel Awkward As I Should. …”
“…This Club Has Got To Be…
…The Most Pretentious Thing…
…Since I Thought You And Me. …”
“…Well, I Am Imagining…
…A Dark Lit Place…
…Or, Your Place…
…Or, My Place. …”
“…Well, I‘m Not Paralyzed…
…But, I Seem To Be Struck By You…
…I Want To Make You Move…
…Because, You‘re Standing Still…
…If Your Body Matches What Your Eyes Can Do…
…You‘ll Probably Move Right Through Me On My Way To You! …”
…Why Is This Song…
by FINGER ELEVEN
…Making Me Smile So Much, This Morning???
…I Was Invited To Go Out, Last Night.
I Was Invited To Go Out, To Meet-Up At The Local Dance-Club/Bar Place Thingy To Have A Few Drinks, And To Mingle With The Crowd.
Sadly, That’s Why I Had To Turn Down The Offer.
I Wanted To Go Out.
I Really Did.
In Fact, I’ll Admit I Really REALLY Wanted To Go.
So Much So, In Fact, I Originally Said I WOULD Go.
But, Then I Started Thinking About The Large Crowd And That Meager Club.
And, Well, I Slowly Started To FREAK-OUT.
I Simply Can’t Handle It, Anymore.
I Mean, I Can Handle Cramped Spaces.
That’s Not My Issue.
As I’ve Told You Before, I Once Spent Three (3) Days In Solitary Confinement During My Navy Days.
So, No, It’s Not The Small Spaces I Can’t Handle.
It’s The Large Amount Of People In The Close-Quarters That I Can’t Handle.
The Last Time I Was Inside That Club, I Had A Panic-Attack.
There Were Just So Many People.
I Felt Like I, Literally, Could Not Breathe.
I Ended-Up Tearing-Ass Out Of That Place So Fast It Was Frightening.
I’ve Never Been Back Inside That Club.
…Why Am I Smiling?!?
I’m Smiling, Because The Guy In The Song Could EASILY Be ME.
He’s Having A Shitty Time.
He Doesn’t Really Want To Be There.
He Feels Awkward.
Later On In The Song, He Says…
“…I Hold Out For One More Drink…
…Before I Think…
…I‘m Looking Too Desperately. …”
Let Me Just Say Right Now, I Know EXACTLY How He Feels.
This Song Makes Me Smile So Much, Because I Can Totally Put Myself In His Place AND I Can Totally Understand Where He’s Coming From.
I’ll Also Admit I’m A Touch Disappointed In Myself For NOT Going Out To Spend Time With My Friend.
I Had The Chance To Show Him He’s More Important Than My Personal Issues…
…And, I Totally Blew That One Out My Ass.
I Know He Won’t Hold It Against Me, As He Already Knows My Feelings Toward The Bar Scene.
But, I Also Know He’s (probably) A Little Disappointed In Me.
That’s Totally MY BAD, My Peeps, I Know.
BUT, I’m Pretty Damned Decent At Making-Up For My Disappointments.
What Can I Say, I’ve Had A LOT Of Practice In That Field.
And, As A Final Admission, I’ll Tell You That My Friend Is VERY Attractive.
…Just Like The Other Person Being Talked About In The Song.
Strikingly Attractive People
That NEVER Works-Out Tooo Well.
So Many Reasons To Stay Home…
…Just Like The Guy In The Song Wanted To Do…
…And, Therefore, So Many Reasons To Be Smiling About This Song…
I Think I’ll Just Settle For A Lunch Date.
Somewhere I Can Have An Actual Conversation With The Other Person WITHOUT The Shitty Dance-Club-Soundtrack In The Background.
Sound Better To You???
Sounds Better To ME, Also!!!
😀 😉 😀
Filmed In 1974 In-Between…
“THE GODFATHER Part II“
…It Has Always Been Easy To Consider This Flick…
…As An Almost Totally Forgotten Classic.
It Was Written, Produced AND Directed By…
FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA
…And I, Honestly, Don’t Know Too Many People Whom Have, Honestly, Seen It.
I Hadn’t Seen It In Many Years, Until Borrowing It From A BFF ((Whom I Sincerely Need To Be Hanging With More Often, Anyway)).
I Saw It There In His Movie Collection And Immediately Said To Him…
“I Need To Borrow THE CONVERSATION, Dude.”
To Which He Replied…
“THE CONVERSATION?! Sure, Sure!! It’s A Good One!!”
And Ya Know What, My Peeps?
It’s A Good One.
It’s A Very VERY Good One, Indeed.
…Is Generally Known For Playing…
…Rather Volatile Characters?
(((I.E. "Popeye Doyle", "Reverend Scott", "Lex Luthor", "Little Bill Daggett", "Captain Ramsey", etc etc etc)))
But, In This Flick, He Gives One Of The Most Quiet, Understated Performances You’re Likely To Ever Find.
And It’s Brilliant.
Quiet, Understated Brilliance.
His Performance Is So Spot On Perfect, It’s Almost Tooo Good.
I’ve Known People Like “HARRY CAUL”, The Reserved Wire-Tapper Character He Portrays.
You See, “HARRY CAUL” Is A Professional Surveillance Expert.
He’s Been Hired To Bug A Conversation Between Two People; A Possibly Unfaithful Woman And Her Possible Lover.
Sounds Simple Enough, Right?!
But, Now Those Whom Hired Him Want The Tapes, And It Appears They’re Willing To Kill For Them.
Now “HARRY” Is Listlessly Lost Within A Web Of Deceit, Mystery, Paranoia And Murder.
This Is Very Honest Acting, Writing, AND Directing, My Peeps.
It’s Very Nearly Priceless.
I Loved It.
I Still Love It.
I’ve Now Watched “THE CONVERSATION” TWICE This Week, Just To Be Sure I’m Sure Sure Of What I’m Saying.
…I Suppose I Should Get Crackin’ On Viewing Number THREE.
I’ve Gotta Make Sure Sure Sure, Ya Know?!
😉 🙂 😀
I’m Calling This Piece…
“LOVE And THOSE WE LOVE“
by BRADLEY ALAN
… … …
“I Am In Love.
I Have Been For A Long While, Now.
Problem Is, It’s UN-Reciprocated Love.
Meaning: The Person I Love Does In No Way Love Me.
I Wish He Did.
I Wish A Lot Of Things.
But, This Most Of All.
And Yet, I Know It Will Never Happen.
I’m Not His Type.
He Is Mine.
He Is Mine To A Perfect “T”.
When He’s In A Good Mood…
…As Am I.
When He’s In A Downer Mood…
…As Am I.
He Makes Me Happy.
I Could Only Hope To Make Him Happy.
So Why Even Bother?
Because, I Don’t Know Any Other Way To Be.
I Often Say I’ll Never Be Happy.
That Being Happy Is Something Beyond My Power…
…And For The Most Part, That’s Correct.
I’ve Never Known Happiness.
That Is, Until I Met Him.
He Makes Me Laugh.
He Makes Me Smile.
He Makes Me Happy.
He Makes Me Sad.
He Makes Me Contemplative.
He Makes Me Think About Things I’d Never Considered Thinking.
…As Close To Perfect As One Could Be.
I Never Cease To Smile When We’re Together.
…This Love Is UN-Reciprocated.
One Day, Perhaps.
But, Not Today.
Not Anytime Soon.
And That Makes Me Sad.
It Makes Me Sad Beyond Belief.
And Yet, I Cling.
I Hang On.
I Have To.
If I Don’t, It Would Feel Like A Failure.
I Am NOT A Failure.
He Constantly Reminds Me Of This.
He Reminds Me That There Is Someone Out There For Me.
But, I Don’t Want Someone Else.
I Know Who Am.
I Know What I Want.
I Know What’s Worth Waiting For.
I Know He’s Worth Everything.
So, I’ll Wait For Him.
I Deserve That.
He Deserves That.
And So, I Wait.
It’s Just A Hope.
Hope Is What I Have.
Hope Is What We Have.
It’s Just Hard.
Hard To Be In Love.
Am I A Fool?
Am I Crazy?
I Don’t Think So.
I’m Just A Man.
A Man Deeply In Love.
Will My Heart Be Broken?
Do I Care?
Not. A. Bit.
Because Love Means IT.
Love Is The All.
The One Thing That Trumps The Highest Hand.
…Am Willing To Suffer For It It.
Always Have Been.
Always Will Be.
I Just Wish He Felt The Same.
But He Doesn’t.
At Least, Not With Me.
He’s Promised To The Future.
Promised To The Endless Possibilities That The Future’s Willing To Spew-Forth.
He Doesn’t Love Me.
And That’s The Hardest Pill To Swallow.
To Lose-Out To The Unknown.
Does He Know I’m Here?
Does He know I’m Right Here…
…Ready, Willing And Able?
Does He Know I’d Love Him Unlike Anyone Has Ever Loved Him?
But In The End…
Ain’t That A Bitch.“