What The Hell Is Going On Around Here?!?

Honestly, My Peeps, So So Very Much Has Been Going On.

Life Has Been Quirky…

…Odd…

…Frustrating…

…Wonderful…

…Horrible…

…Exciting…

…Trying…

…Oh, So Very Very Trying.

BUT…

…I’ve Been Weathering It All Quite Well, I Would Say.

I Know It Has Been A While Since We’ve All Shot-The-Shit…

…Kicked-It-Back…

…Talked-Some-Shop…

…BUT…

…I Sincerely Promise There Have Been Plenty Of Quality Reasons.

You See, My Peeps, I’ve Been Trying Very Very Hard To Have A Life.

It’s Not Something I’m Really Accustomed To.

Like, At All.

But, I Have Been Trying.

I Got Myself A Man.  😀

I Got Myself A Job.  🙂

I Got Myself Fired From Said Job Before It Really Got Going.  😦

I’ve Been Playing The Helpful/Dutiful Son.

I’ve Been Playing The Helpful/Dutiful Grandson.

I’ve Been Playing The Helpful/Dutiful Boyfriend.

I’ve Been Playing For The Sake Of Playing.

I’ve Been Having FUN For A Freakin’ Change, And Trying To Enjoy Every Moment Of It.

😀       🙂       😉

Sadly, It Hasn’t All Been Fun And Games.

I’ve Had Multiple Family Members Die Over The Past Few Months.

:*(     :*(

I’ve Suffered Through A Couple Bouts Of Fairly Extreme Illness.

😦

Life Has Really Been Bringing The Heat, But Totally Keeping Me Honest With A Steady Supply Of Curve-Balls.

Sheesh, I Tell You.

Sheesh, Indeed.

I’m Writing This Today Because I’m Looking To Begin Again.

I Miss Working On This Blog A Bundle, Though I Admit I Could Have Come Back To Y’all A Lot Sooner.

But, I Chose To Continue Being A “Reblog-Whore” And Just Let Things Ride.

I Still Plan To Be A “Reblog-Whore”, But I’ll Be Injecting Myself Into Things Whenever I Can.

😉

TODAY…

…APRIL 10TH…

…Is My Birthday.

Everyone Always Asks The Same Question:

"DO YOU FEEL ANY OLDER?"

Honestly, My Peeps, Yes Yes YES I DO.

Period.

I Know I’m Not THAT Old, But I’m Old Enough.

Old Enough To Realize I Have To Continue Trying To Have A Life.

Old Enough To Understand How Important It Is To Continue Onward.

Old Enough To Feel Old Enough.

I’m Tired, My Peeps.

I’m So Very Tired.

But, There Are Still Duties To Perform…

…And Life Goes On.

I’m Going To Leave Y’all For Now.

But, I Do Promise To Be Back Again.

I’ve Been Writing A Lot.

Pen-To-Paper, Ya Know?

Perhaps I’ll Be Sharing More Of That With Y’all.

I Plan To.

So Let Us All See If I Actually Make That Happen.

I Really Do Plan To.

As I Exit (for now) I’m Going To Leave You With A Song.

A Song That Has Quickly Become A Personal Favorite.

DEPECHE MODE Has Just Released Their Latest Album, “DELTA MACHINE“, And I’m Totally In LOVE/LUST With It.

The Song For Today Is…

“SOOTHE MY SOUL“

…And It’s A Real Kicker!

I Sincerely Hope Y’all Enjoy It.

I Find It Simply Exceptional!!!

Please Take Care, My Peeps.

I’ll Write More When I’m Able.

Until Then…

…Take Care…

…Be Good…

…See Me Soon…

…And Talk To Me Sooner!!!

Much Love To Y’all, Fo SHO Fo SHO!!!

😀     😀     😀     😀     😀

😀     😀     😀

I Remain Conscious, Even While Dreaming In My Sleep.

—At Least, I’m Pretty Sure I Do.  It Feels Like I Do.  When I Wake-Up Wake-Up, I’m Exhausted. Regardless Of How Long I’ve Laid There, I’m Exhausted.

It Doesn’t Make Sense.

I Remember My Dreams… …All Of My Dreams.

My Dreams Are (put mildly) Simply Fu*ked-Up.

Period.

They’re Wild.

They’re Vivid.

They’re Crazy.

They’re Awesome.

They’re Dangerous.

They’re Beautiful.

They’re Horrid.

They’re Amazing.

They’re Disturbing.

All At The Same Time.

If Our Dreams Are A Reflection Of Ourselves, Our True Selves, Then I Sincerely Haven’t A Clue As To What To Say Next.

Perhaps I Sincerely Shouldn’t Have A Clue As To What To Say Next.

I Already Feel Like An “Odd Duck” In Many MANY Ways, So I Just Hope That, In This Instance, I’m No More Odd Than The Rest Of You.

Dreams Are A Very Funny Thing, My Peeps.

Sometimes, I Wish They’d Come True.

Sometimes, I Pray They Don’t Come True.

Sometimes, I Know They’re Going To Come True Whether I Want Them To Or Not.

Sometimes, Sometimes, Sometimes.

Sheesh.

Let The Day Begin, Already.

Time, Brother, You’re Holding Me Up.

I’ve A Place To Go…

…A Person To See…

…A Life To Live.

Right, Kids?!

RIGHT!!!—

Defeated… …AGAIN!

Why Me?!

😦

I Don’t Honestly Know Any Other Way To Say It, My Peeps.

I’ve Tried.

But, In The End, I Continue To Come back To Those Two Simple…

…Personally Scathing…

…Personally Crushing Words…

Why Me?!

😦          😦

Why Say “Why Me?!” You Ask???

I Don’t Actually Have An Answer For You.

Not A Good Answer, Anyway.

I Know We Haven’t Talked Much Of Late, But I’m Sure You’ve Already Noticed That.

My “Good Cheer”?!

It’s Gone.

I’m Back Down, Again.

I’m Discovering That My Emotions Are Rather Fragile.

More Fragile Than Even I Had Ever Realized.

Like, Ever Ever.

That’s Probably Because I’ve Spent The Bulk Of My Life Suppressing Them.

As I Slowly Let Them Out, I’m Forced To Realize More And More Why I Had Always Shielded Myself From Them.

To Be Perfectly Honest…

…I Sincerely SUCK At Managing Them.

Period.

I Will Say This, My Peeps…

…I’d Hand-Written A Very Loooooong-Winded Rant About What’s Been Happening Of Late…

…But, Now, I Sincerely Don’t Want To Discuss It All Right Here.

I Made A Promise Not To Write About My Current Love Life…

…Or LACK-THERE-OF…

…And I Was Honestly About To Break That Promise.

Then, Well, I Actually Took The Time To Think It All Over.

Just Know That Things Are No Longer “Going My Way” And It Has Been Quite Depressing.

I Know Things Will Never ALWAYS Go My Way, But In This Instance It Really Did Just Crack Me Over The Skull And Then Laugh At Me.

Have I Learned Anything From My Life’s Recent Events???

Yes.

Yes, I Have.

• –>1.) BE VERY VERY CAREFUL WHOM YOU TRUST!<–

• –>2.) IF SOMETHING FEELS TOO GOOD TO BE HONEST AND TRUE, IT IS!<–

• –>3.) I SHOULD HAVE LEARNED BOTH OF THOSE LESSONS BY NOW, I JUST APPARENTLY HAD FORGOTTEN THEM… …AGAIN!<–

😦          😦          😦

Just Do Me A Solid, My Peeps, And Don’t Worry About Me.

I Know I’ll Rebound Again.

It’s Like The Famous Quotation…

“We Are Healed Of A Suffering ONLY By Experiencing It To The Full.”

—MARCEL PROUST

He Was A Rather Smart Man, Wouldn’t You Say?!

Yeah.

I Wholeheartedly Agree, My Peeps.

Totally.

Pissed-ON!?! Pissed-OFF?!? In This Instance, It Felt Like BOTH!!!

Ever Has One Of Those Moments When You Awaken In The Morning (the wee wee hours of said morning), And Something Doesn’t Feel Quite Right??

You Feel Around Lightly, And Are Quickly Able To Notice You’re Soaked.

You’re Laying In Your Own Bed, And The Physical Sensations Are Telling You One Thing…

“O.M.F.G.! I CANNOT BELIEVE I’D DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT!”

At That Moment, A Touch Of A Giggle Is Met With The Horrifying Power Of Anger.

“Yes, I’m Now Completely DRENCHED And Exceptionally PISSED-OFF!!”

So, I Slowly Try To Roll Out Of What I’m Sure Is A Large Puddle In The Center Of My Bed.

Suddenly, As I Slowly turn…

…I Here A *crumple* *crumple* *crunch* Noises.

So I Quickly Make The Decision And Say, “TO HELL WITH THIS!” As I Jumped Up From My Now Soiled Mattress.

I Check My Clothes First For Conformation.

Sure Enough, My Crotch, My Ass, My Hips, My Sleep-Pants, My Sleep Shirt, All Of Me Is Practically Sopping-Wet.

Then, Upon Further Investigation…

…I Found The Culprit Behind It All.

It Was A WATER BOTTLE.

Apparently, Bradley Got Thirsty In His Sleep.

He Reached His Water Bottle, Opened It, Possibly Took A Drink, And Then Proceeded To Roll Back Over Into Sleep.

So, My Peeps, I Was Very VERY Pissed At The Notion That I’d Pissed-Myself…

…And Simply Felt Like An Embarrassed-Fool Upon Realizing I Hadn’t Been PISSED ON.

Period.

That Was At 4AM’ish’ish.

It’s Now 5AM’is’ish.

So, Good Morning To You, My Peeps.

May Your Day Be Filed With Enjoyable Moments.

I Won’t. I’m Seeing The Dentist, Today.

I Never Leave There With A Smile, That’s Fo SHO.

Dammit. 😦

Anyway, You Kids…

…Have A Damned Decent Day Out There. 😀

In Regard To Life, Love, Loss, Happiness, Sadness…

“Life‘s A Funny Creature, Sometimes. She Has A Very VERY Bad Habit Of Jerking The Proverbial Rug From Under Us At The Oddest Moments. Just When You‘re Feeling Comfortable. Feeling Secure. Feeling Happy. BAAM! She Strikes. And She Never Strikes Lightly. No No. She Jerks The Rug AND Gives You BOTH Barrels ALL AT ONCE. Such Is Life, Eh?! Yeah. Such Is Life.”

—BRADLEY ALAN

When Remembering Turns To Dwelling Turns To Suffering…

…You Know You‘re Fu*ked.

—At This Moment, I‘m Writing Just To Watch Myself Write.

I‘ve Slept Less Than 35–Hours In The Past 10–Nights COMBINED.

I‘m Irritable.

I‘m Sullen And Moody.

I‘ve Lost 15–LBS In That 10–Day Span.

I Don‘t Understand Why I Let Myself Get This Depressed.

I Know I Do It To Myself.

It‘s My Own Fault.

But, I‘M Not My Own Fault.

I Know That.

I Never Have Been.

I Was Created And Shaped By Events In My Life That Have Seriously Fu*ked-Me–Up.

Why Can‘t I Shake This?

Why Does The Past Still Cling To Me Like The Stench Of Death?

It Haunts My Day–To–Day Existence.

I Know Why.

BECAUSE I LET IT.

Period.

MY BAD.

It‘s These Memories.

I Can‘t Handle Them As Well As I‘d Like To.

As Well As I SHOULD.

It‘s Honestly Maddening.

It‘s Hard.

It‘s So Very VERY Hard.

I Go From Day To Day Seeing No Benefit From It All.

I‘ve…

…Sheesh…

…I‘ve Become My Own Worst Enemy.

Just As I Was Always TOLD I Would Be.

Just As I Always KNEW I Would Be.

It Happens To Us All At Some Point, Sure.

It’s Life.

It‘s LIVING Life.

My Moments Of Weakness And Horror Come To Me Like Flashes.

As Images.

Images A Person Should Never See.

No One.

The Thoughts Linger.

The Ill–Feelings They Cause Linger Longer.

Am I Having An Identity Crisis?

Whatever It Is, It‘s Hanging On Way Way WAY Tooo Long.

Talking To People Is Becoming More And MORE Difficult.

There Are A Couple Key People I‘d Love To Talk To.

They Just Don‘t Want To Talk To Me.

Sometimes, I Break Down And Simply MUST Talk To Someone.

Those Are The Moments When I‘m Feeling My Worst.

When I Know Something‘s Wrong Inside, And I Need To Make An Outside Connection Before I Snap.

I Feel The Worst, Though, When I Do Have To Ask For Help.

But, At The Point I Start Talking, I‘m Already Scraping The Bottom Of The Barrel For The Oxygen I Need To Survive.

I Am.

It Gets Hard To Breathe.

I Start Feeling Sorry For Myself.

I Lose Personal Control.

I Become Someone Else.

Someone I Truly Am NOT.

A Whining…

…Crying…

…Sniveling…

…Used–To–Be.

I Know I’m Only 30‘ish‘ish.

Some Attempt To Push Upon Me That I‘m Still Far Too Young To Deal With Shit As I Do.

But, Everyone‘s Different…

…Correct???

Everyone‘s Got Their Own Stopping And Starting Point.

Their Own Breaking Point.

I Guess Mine Was Just A Bit Earlier In Life Than Some Others.

I Know I Don‘t Have It That Bad.

It‘s Not Like Someone Close To Me Has Died, Or Is Dying.

It‘s Simply The Past.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Beat.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Escape From.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Come To Terms With.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Let Go Of And Move On From.

And It‘s Destroying My Present.

I Guess Some Of This Is Normal, Right?

Thinking Of It All Has Just Brought Me Down So Much.

I Just Feel Very Alone, At Times.

But, I Do Understand That Life Could Be Much Worse.

Sadly…

…My Once Remarked–Upon Eyes Are Heavy, Dark, And Tired.

My Hopeful Outlook Has Turned Bleak.

Yet, Despite It All, I Survive.

MAYBE It All Has Made Me Stronger In Some Ways?

But, At What Personal Cost?

With Age And Experience Has Also Come Fear…

…Hate…

…Despair.

Where I Once Felt Love, I Now Feel Bitterness.

Where I Once Felt Alive, I Now Feel Drained.

Where I Once Cared About Life, I Now Resent It.

So Sad, Yet, So True.

It Just Pisses Me Off To No Extent.

When Wonderful Memories Become Jaded With Time.

I Swear, It Literally Makes Me Sick.

What I Wouldn‘t Give For A Moment‘s Peace.

A Clear Mind.

A Quiet Mind.

I Know I Have Some Amazing Moments Stored In My Brain–Case.

I‘ve Just Become To Bitter To See Them.

*** ***

PLEASE, My Peeps…

…Don‘t Be Alarmed By Anything I‘ve Said.

It‘s Just A Downer Moment For Me, And I‘m Allowing You To Experience It With Me.

I Guess I Just Wanted To Vent A Bit, As I Often Do When I Get Like This.

As I‘ve Said To Y‘all Before…

…Sometimes, It‘s Not Just The BEST Therapy…

…It‘s The ONLY Therapy.

Right???

RIGHT!!!—

The Song Stuck In My Head??? “I Should Have Learned This Lesson Long Ago… …That Friends And Lovers Always Come And Go…” –QUARTERFLASH’s “FIND ANOTHER FOOL” (1981)

“FIND ANOTHER FOOL” Is A Hot HOT Jam From QUARTERFLASH‘s Self-Titled 1981 Debut Album !!!

*

***

///\\\

“…Now You Claim…

…That Everything‘s Okay…

…Well, I‘ve Got Just One Thing To Say…

…Why Don‘t You…

…Find Another…

((Find Another!))

…FIND ANOTHER FOOL To Love You…

…Find Another…

((Find Another!))

…FIND ANOTHER FOOL To Love You…

…Find Another…

…Find Another…

…FIND ANOTHER FOOL To Love You…

…Too Love You…

…Find Another. …”

\\\///

***

*

Alright, My Peeps…

…Let Me Quickly Say, I Don’t Just Listen To This Song…

“FIND ANOTHER FOOL“

by QUARTERFLASH

…When Someone Has Treated Me Foolishly And I Wanna Vent.

No.

I Also Listen To This Song When I’m Dwelling Upon MY Foolishness.

We’ve All Been Foolish In Matters Of Love At One Point Or Another.

Most Especially In Matters Of Love, Honestly.

In Fact…

…It’s In Matters Of Love Where I’ve Suffered Through Many MANY Bad Experiences In My 30’ish’ish Years.

And, I’ve Done So ((ALMOST)) Totally Because Of MY Personal Foolishness.

Then Again, Isn’t That Generally How It Goes?

Is That How It Always Goes For You?

How About You??

And You, There, In The Back???

Yes, And YOU, Also?!?!?

Yeah.

That’s Kinda What I’d Figured.

Our Favorite Game As Human-Being’s Is LOVE.

Always Has Been.

Some Will Quip, “It‘s Not A Game!”

To Those People, I Say “Good On Ya.”

I Also Say, “If You Don‘t Think It’s A Game, Then You‘ve Likely Been Hurt, Or Have Hurt Someone Else, While Playing And You Are/Were Pissed About It.”

To Be Honest, My Peeps, I Don’t Know What Else To Call LOVE.

It’s Always Felt Like A Game.

It Has Losers.

It Has Winners.

It Has First Time Players.

It Has Umpteenth Time Players.

It Has Unskilled Players.

It Has Highly Skilled Players.

It Has The Sheer Bliss Of A Solid Victory.

It Has The Horrid Dejection Of A Terrible Loss.

In Short…

…If It Ain’t A Game…

…What Is It?!?

That’s A Question I Sincerely Struggle With.

Honestly, As I Said, I Don’t Know What Else To Call It.

I Was Hoping To Get A Hand From Y’all, In That Regard.

That’s What We’re Here For, Correct?!

A Learning Experience.

I Know That’s A Big Reason I’m Here.

It’s Not The Only Reason, But It’s An Important One.

Fo Sho???

FO SHO!!!

😉          😀

LOVE, Whether A Thought OR A Feeling, Perpetuates Foolishness.

We Do So Many Foolish Things Whilst Playing Along.

We Do Things.

Things We Either WANT Or DON’T WANT To Do, All Because Of What We Feel, Or Think We Feel, For Someone, Or Something, Else.

Y’all Know I’m Not Slippin’ You Any Jive.

I’m Callin’ It Like It Is.

The Problem With This Wondrous, Beautiful, Vile, Evil, Amazing Thing We Call Love Is This:

“How Do We Know When We‘re Playing, And How Do We Know When We‘re Being Played???”

Yeah.

Exactly My Point, My Peeps.

Honestly, You Don’t Know.

You Don’t Know Until Something Eventful Happens.

“He Said YES!” 😀

“He Said NO!” 😦

“He Said MAYBE SO!” 😐

Any Way It Goes, You Never Know Until Something Happens.

You Never Know Until The Proof Is There.

You Never Know Until It’s Tangible.

And, Even Then, Do You Really Know?

You Think You Do.

Is That Enough?

Sometimes, That Has To Be Enough.

Sometimes, That’s All We Really Have.

Right???

RIGHT!!!

My Advice?

You Kids Just Be Good.

Play Nice.

Try Not To Hurt Anyone, Especially Yourself.

Try Not To Do Anything Toooooooooo Foolish, Ya Hear Me?!?

Now, Go Get ‘Em, Tiger!!!

Good Game… …Good Game.

The Song Making Me Smile Right This Minute??? “PARALYZER” by FINGER ELEVEN (2007)!!!

/\

//\\

*** ***

“I Hold On So Nervously…

…To Me And My Drink…

…I Wish It Was Cooling Me. …”

…

“…But, So Far Has Not Been Good…

…It‘s Been Shitty…

…And, I Feel Awkward As I Should. …”

…

“…This Club Has Got To Be…

…The Most Pretentious Thing…

…Since I Thought You And Me. …”

…

“…Well, I Am Imagining…

…A Dark Lit Place…

…Or, Your Place…

…Or, My Place. …”

…

“…Well, I‘m Not Paralyzed…

…But, I Seem To Be Struck By You…

…I Want To Make You Move…

…Because, You‘re Standing Still…

…If Your Body Matches What Your Eyes Can Do…

…You‘ll Probably Move Right Through Me On My Way To You! …”

…

“PARALYZER“ Is Off Of FINGER ELEVEN‘s 2007 Album “THEM –Vs– YOU –Vs– ME” !!!

*** ***

\\//

\/

So…

…Why Is This Song…

“PARALYZER“

by FINGER ELEVEN

…Making Me Smile So Much, This Morning???

Welllll…

…I Was Invited To Go Out, Last Night.

I Was Invited To Go Out, To Meet-Up At The Local Dance-Club/Bar Place Thingy To Have A Few Drinks, And To Mingle With The Crowd.

Sadly, That’s Why I Had To Turn Down The Offer.

I Wanted To Go Out.

I Really Did.

In Fact, I’ll Admit I Really REALLY Wanted To Go.

So Much So, In Fact, I Originally Said I WOULD Go.

But, Then I Started Thinking About The Large Crowd And That Meager Club.

And, Well, I Slowly Started To FREAK-OUT.

😦

I Simply Can’t Handle It, Anymore.

I Mean, I Can Handle Cramped Spaces.

That’s Not My Issue.

As I’ve Told You Before, I Once Spent Three (3) Days In Solitary Confinement During My Navy Days.

So, No, It’s Not The Small Spaces I Can’t Handle.

It’s The Large Amount Of People In The Close-Quarters That I Can’t Handle.

The Last Time I Was Inside That Club, I Had A Panic-Attack.

There Were Just So Many People.

I Felt Like I, Literally, Could Not Breathe.

I Ended-Up Tearing-Ass Out Of That Place So Fast It Was Frightening.

I’ve Never Been Back Inside That Club.

Not Once.

So…

…Why Am I Smiling?!?

I’m Smiling, Because The Guy In The Song Could EASILY Be ME.

He’s Having A Shitty Time.

He Doesn’t Really Want To Be There.

He Feels Awkward.

Later On In The Song, He Says…

…

“…I Hold Out For One More Drink…

…Before I Think…

…I‘m Looking Too Desperately. …”

…

Let Me Just Say Right Now, I Know EXACTLY How He Feels.

This Song Makes Me Smile So Much, Because I Can Totally Put Myself In His Place AND I Can Totally Understand Where He’s Coming From.

I’ll Also Admit I’m A Touch Disappointed In Myself For NOT Going Out To Spend Time With My Friend.

I Had The Chance To Show Him He’s More Important Than My Personal Issues…

…And, I Totally Blew That One Out My Ass.

I Know He Won’t Hold It Against Me, As He Already Knows My Feelings Toward The Bar Scene.

But, I Also Know He’s (probably) A Little Disappointed In Me.

That’s Totally MY BAD, My Peeps, I Know.

BUT, I’m Pretty Damned Decent At Making-Up For My Disappointments.

What Can I Say, I’ve Had A LOT Of Practice In That Field.

And, As A Final Admission, I’ll Tell You That My Friend Is VERY Attractive.

STRIKINGLY Attractive…

…Just Like The Other Person Being Talked About In The Song.

Strikingly Attractive People

+

Alcohol

+

Bradley

???

Nah.

That NEVER Works-Out Tooo Well.

So Many Reasons To Stay Home…

…Just Like The Guy In The Song Wanted To Do…

…And, Therefore, So Many Reasons To Be Smiling About This Song…

FINGER ELEVEN‘s

“PARALYZER“

…This Morning.

I Think I’ll Just Settle For A Lunch Date.

Somewhere Uncrowded.

Somewhere Quite.

Somewhere I Can Have An Actual Conversation With The Other Person WITHOUT The Shitty Dance-Club-Soundtrack In The Background.

Sound Better To You???

GREAT!!!

Sounds Better To ME, Also!!!

😀       😉       😀

“NO MAN Was EVER So Much Deceived By Another…”

“…As By HIMSELF.”

—CHARLES GREVILLE

-<>(1794–1865)<>-

/\

//\\

\\//

\/

Have Truer Words Ever Been Uttered?

One Would Be Hard Pressed To Find Any, That‘s Fo SHO.

With How I‘ve Been Feeling Of Late, These Words Are Burning A Hole Right Through Me.

Such Is Life???

Holy Hell, I Hope Not!!!

But…

…It Feels Like A Fool‘s Hope.

Just Sayin‘.