“My Trials and Tribulations with Dreaming”

Having a bad Reality, at times, is one thing.
Having bad Dreams all night about said bad Reality???
O M F G it S U C K S.
The one place I hope to escape to…
…continues to be one more place I can’t really get to.
I really was a much happier person when I could go to sleep and it was like stepping off into the blackness of space (((because I’d be in such a deep deep sleep))).
Now, it’s like falling off of a cliff into a world of twisted and fucked half-memories.

—

I try to change my current Reality, in the hopes of bettering my future Reality.
But, when it comes to past Reality, I’m helpless.
We all are, I know that.
So…
…I guess I really need to learn how to change my Dreams.
Riiiiiiiiiiight?

Mkay.

Sooo…

…HOW DOES ONE DO THAT???

—

At moments like this, I truly envy people like My Father.

He always told me he rarely, if ever, remembers his Dreams.

I remember the bulk of mine.

And mine are rarely, if ever, pleasant.

Even those with pleasant moments are often still bad Bad BAD Dreams.

It really is ALMOST enough to push a person tooooooooooooooooo far, sometimes.

—

Sleep is supposed to be restful, riiiiight?

You’re not supposed to feel worse when you awaken of a morning, correct??

And, YES, I’ve had sleep-studies done.

Nothing wrong with my breathing, nor anything else they could honestly measure.

I’ve talked to ((literally)) dozens of shrinks in my lifetime.

I’ve taken every medication they can think of to sling in my direction.

And, yet, here I sit.

Typing this.

Telling you, My Peeps, instead of yet another doctor that doesn’t seem to understand a goddamn thing about Me, nor My Situation.

—

I don’t want a lot of My Memories.

I don’t want a lot of My Reality.

But, MOST OF ALL, I don’t want to keep having these Dreams.

I accept My Memories.

I accept some of My Reality.

But, I do NOT accept that My “Dreamland” must be tainted.

I can’t accept that.

I won’t accept that.

Period.

When Remembering Turns To Dwelling Turns To Suffering…

…You Know You‘re Fu*ked.

—At This Moment, I‘m Writing Just To Watch Myself Write.

I‘ve Slept Less Than 35–Hours In The Past 10–Nights COMBINED.

I‘m Irritable.

I‘m Sullen And Moody.

I‘ve Lost 15–LBS In That 10–Day Span.

I Don‘t Understand Why I Let Myself Get This Depressed.

I Know I Do It To Myself.

It‘s My Own Fault.

But, I‘M Not My Own Fault.

I Know That.

I Never Have Been.

I Was Created And Shaped By Events In My Life That Have Seriously Fu*ked-Me–Up.

Why Can‘t I Shake This?

Why Does The Past Still Cling To Me Like The Stench Of Death?

It Haunts My Day–To–Day Existence.

I Know Why.

BECAUSE I LET IT.

Period.

MY BAD.

It‘s These Memories.

I Can‘t Handle Them As Well As I‘d Like To.

As Well As I SHOULD.

It‘s Honestly Maddening.

It‘s Hard.

It‘s So Very VERY Hard.

I Go From Day To Day Seeing No Benefit From It All.

I‘ve…

…Sheesh…

…I‘ve Become My Own Worst Enemy.

Just As I Was Always TOLD I Would Be.

Just As I Always KNEW I Would Be.

It Happens To Us All At Some Point, Sure.

It’s Life.

It‘s LIVING Life.

My Moments Of Weakness And Horror Come To Me Like Flashes.

As Images.

Images A Person Should Never See.

No One.

The Thoughts Linger.

The Ill–Feelings They Cause Linger Longer.

Am I Having An Identity Crisis?

Whatever It Is, It‘s Hanging On Way Way WAY Tooo Long.

Talking To People Is Becoming More And MORE Difficult.

There Are A Couple Key People I‘d Love To Talk To.

They Just Don‘t Want To Talk To Me.

Sometimes, I Break Down And Simply MUST Talk To Someone.

Those Are The Moments When I‘m Feeling My Worst.

When I Know Something‘s Wrong Inside, And I Need To Make An Outside Connection Before I Snap.

I Feel The Worst, Though, When I Do Have To Ask For Help.

But, At The Point I Start Talking, I‘m Already Scraping The Bottom Of The Barrel For The Oxygen I Need To Survive.

I Am.

It Gets Hard To Breathe.

I Start Feeling Sorry For Myself.

I Lose Personal Control.

I Become Someone Else.

Someone I Truly Am NOT.

A Whining…

…Crying…

…Sniveling…

…Used–To–Be.

I Know I’m Only 30‘ish‘ish.

Some Attempt To Push Upon Me That I‘m Still Far Too Young To Deal With Shit As I Do.

But, Everyone‘s Different…

…Correct???

Everyone‘s Got Their Own Stopping And Starting Point.

Their Own Breaking Point.

I Guess Mine Was Just A Bit Earlier In Life Than Some Others.

I Know I Don‘t Have It That Bad.

It‘s Not Like Someone Close To Me Has Died, Or Is Dying.

It‘s Simply The Past.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Beat.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Escape From.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Come To Terms With.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Let Go Of And Move On From.

And It‘s Destroying My Present.

I Guess Some Of This Is Normal, Right?

Thinking Of It All Has Just Brought Me Down So Much.

I Just Feel Very Alone, At Times.

But, I Do Understand That Life Could Be Much Worse.

Sadly…

…My Once Remarked–Upon Eyes Are Heavy, Dark, And Tired.

My Hopeful Outlook Has Turned Bleak.

Yet, Despite It All, I Survive.

MAYBE It All Has Made Me Stronger In Some Ways?

But, At What Personal Cost?

With Age And Experience Has Also Come Fear…

…Hate…

…Despair.

Where I Once Felt Love, I Now Feel Bitterness.

Where I Once Felt Alive, I Now Feel Drained.

Where I Once Cared About Life, I Now Resent It.

So Sad, Yet, So True.

It Just Pisses Me Off To No Extent.

When Wonderful Memories Become Jaded With Time.

I Swear, It Literally Makes Me Sick.

What I Wouldn‘t Give For A Moment‘s Peace.

A Clear Mind.

A Quiet Mind.

I Know I Have Some Amazing Moments Stored In My Brain–Case.

I‘ve Just Become To Bitter To See Them.

*** ***

PLEASE, My Peeps…

…Don‘t Be Alarmed By Anything I‘ve Said.

It‘s Just A Downer Moment For Me, And I‘m Allowing You To Experience It With Me.

I Guess I Just Wanted To Vent A Bit, As I Often Do When I Get Like This.

As I‘ve Said To Y‘all Before…

…Sometimes, It‘s Not Just The BEST Therapy…

…It‘s The ONLY Therapy.

Right???

RIGHT!!!—

My Tired Eyes: Or, How Bradley Learned To Continue Worrying And Became Rutger Hauer

Oh, These Winter Blues.

Oh, How They Really Do Love Me.

Well…

…It, Honestly, Feels More Like They Really Hate Me.

Like, Really REALLY Hate Me…

…A Lot.

As I Told A Friend The Other Night…

…I Looked At My Eyes And I Said…

“I Look Tired.”

Not “Sleepy”…

…But “Tired.”

There IS A Difference.

A Difference I’m Sure Y’all Would Be Able To Distinguish Between.

I Also Told Him That My Eyes Have Seen Enough To Be Worth Four (4) More Pairs Of Them.

I’ve Seen Things With These Eyes That Would Stagger Some People.

I’ve Seen Things I’ll Never Be Able To Forget, No Matter How Hard I Try.

Exceptional Things.

Terrible Things.

Happy Things.

Horrid Things.

Some Of Which I Can Discuss, These Days.

Most Of Which I Could Never Discuss, Regardless Of The Day.

…

… … …

[[[—Right Now, Honestly, I Feel Like RUTGER HAUER At The End Of “BLADE RUNNER” When He’s On The Building’s Rooftop With HARRISON FORD.

“I’ve Seen Things You People Wouldn’t Believe…“

Ya Know It?!

The One RUTGER Eventually Closes Out By Saying:

“…All Those Moments Will Be Lost In Time, Like Tears In Rain. Time To Die.”

EXCEPT, I’m Not Dying.

AND, I Don’t I Have A Bird To Play With And Fondle.

AND, I’m Not A Replicant.

BUT, Otherwise, I’m Totally RUTGER HAUER.—]]]

… … …

…

But, They Are Tired, My Peeps.

They’re So SO Tired.

And, The More They See, The More They Experience, The More Tired They Make The Rest Of Me.

The Eyes Are Very Powerful.

Windows Into The Soul, And What-Not.

Winter Days, Like The Past Few, Really Do Bring Out My Mopey, Down-Trodden Self.

While My Very First Memory Is Of A Smell…

…Most Of My Memories Are Of That Which I’ve Witnessed.

Of Which I’ve Seen, Up-Close, In Person, Nothing Edited.

Wonders.

Horrors.

Yes, I’ve Seen AND Remember So Much In-Between…

…But, Like Most People, The Wonders AND The Horrors Stand-Out The Most.

I Remember So Much That Does Make Me Happy.

But, It All Blurs Much Easier AND Faster Than I Could’ve/Would’ve/Should’ve Expected.

It Blurs Much Easier AND Faster Than The Horrors.

The Horrors Don‘t Blur.

If Anything, They Shine More So.

They‘re More Vivid These Days Than They‘ve Ever Been.

I Close My Eyes, I See Them.

I Open My Eyes, I See Them.

Damn You, Eyes, Why Did You Ever Look?

Why Did You Ever See?

Why Did You Burn These Images Into My Mind?

They’re There Forever, Now.

To Be Recalled Over And Over Again.

Recalled For The Rest Of My Life, However Long Or Short It May Be.

Damn These Tired, Tired Eyes.

Have They Betrayed Me?

Have They Failed Me?

No.

If Anything, They’ve Worked Tooooo Well.

They’ve Picked-Up Details Most People Would Never Even Consider.

But, Damn Them Anyway.

Damn Them.

When I Sat Down To Write This, I Sincerely Didn’t Know To What End I Was Writing Toward, Nor For.

Maybe I Still Don’t.

It’s Not Finished.

At Least, It Doesn’t Feel Finished.

Not. At. All.

Not. At. All. At. All.

So…

…What‘s The Cure For Tired Eyes?

And No, I Don’t Mean Plastic Surgery On Them To Make Them Appear More Life-Like.

In Fact, I Know Of No Surgery That Could Ever Reverse The Damage.

Well…

…One Could Always Get Lobotomized.

😐

So, Just WHY Is -“BARBIE GIRL” by AQUA- On Ye Ole MP3Player?!

Normally, When I Do A Piece On A Song, I Start With The Lyrics.

But I Know The Bulk Of You Already Know Them.

You Have The Potential To Know Them VERY Well, Actually.

Sheesh.

The “I’m A Barbie Girl“…

…“In A Barbie World“…

…Yaddi Yaddi Yadda…

…Lappidy Shmackidy…

…Stuff.

???

Remember???

???

GREAT!

I Knew You Would!

HAHA!

Sheesh, Indeed!

HAHAHA!

😉

Alright.

SO…

…In September Of 1997…

…My Best Friend And I Called-In To A Local Radio Station…

…THREE (3) NIGHTS IN-A-ROW…

…In SUPPORT of The Song…

…To Help It WIN A “Battle Of The Songs” Thingy…

…Between…

“BARBIE GIRL“

…From The Album…

“AQUARIUM“

… …

… …

…And…

…Hmm…

“Three Other Bullshit Songs I Don’t Remember?“

?  ?  ?

…BUT…

…Yeah…

…That Really Happened.

The 4TH Night Of The Contest…

…We Didn’t Call-In…

…And…

…Sadly…

...(Or Happily?)...

“BARBIE GIRL“

…Lost…

…NARROWLY, I Might Add.

And YES…

…I DO Still Listen To It.

Never The Whole Song.

Usually Just About 62-Seconds’ish Of It Is Sufficient.

Then I Push The “->” Button.

(“->” aka “Next Song, Please” btw)

😉       😉

Most People Can Only Last About The 2-Seconds’ish Part.

😦

Does That Make Me Bad?

Really?!

I Promise It’s Not The “Song Part” That I Love!

It’s Those Ought-Damned “Memory Thingies” Again!

It Get Nostalgic About Things Like That All The Time, As You Know.

And Tonight…

…That Song Popped-Up…

…And I Was Immediately Taken Back To September 1997.

What A Time.

And Ya Know What?!

While I Look Fondly Upon It…

…I Wouldn’t Wanna Relive It.

It’s Fine Just The Way It Is.

BUT…

…I Still Smile.

Regardless Of Where I Am…

…Or What I’m Doing…

…When I Hear…

“BARBIE GIRL“

😀

…My First Reaction Is ALWAYS A Smile.

Always.

😀       😀       😀

Then…

…You Know…

…”->“.

😉

Rest Easy, My Peeps.

Rest Well.

🙂

The Song Stuck In My Head That ALSO Makes Me Smile: “THE GREAT PRETENDER” by THE PLATTERS (1955)

“…Too Real…

…Is This Feeling…

…Of Make-Believe…

…Too Real…

…When I Feel…

…What My Heart…

…Can’t Conceal…”

“…Yes…

…I’m THE GREAT PRETENDER…

…Just Laughing…

…And Gay…

…Like A Clown…

…I Seem To Be…

…What I’m Not…

…You See…

…I’m Wearing…

…My Heart…

…Like A Crown…

…Pretending…

…That You’re…

…Still Around.”

<<<***>>>

<<**>>

<*>

I Suppose I Was Just Feeling Very Nostalgic, My Peeps.

That’s My Best Almost Answer.

I Found, As I Sat Down To Write This, I Could Go In Many Different Directions With It.

At First…

…I Was Going To Talk About Past Loves…

…Their Impact Upon My Life…

…Past AND Present…

…But I Just Couldn’t Bring Myself To Do So.

I Didn’t See Any Way Of Doing That Without Rubbing-Raw Some Already Tender Feelings…

…Both Mine AND Other Peeps.

I’ve Been A Pretty Damned Decent Pretender Most Of My Life.

Especially In Matters Of Love.

So Why Be An Asshole About It And Upset The Sliver Of Balance I Cling Tenaciously To?

Exactly, My Peeps.

Why, Indeed.

So I Won’t Do That.

It’s Not Something That Has To Happen, Therefore It Won’t, Until It Does.

Sound Fair Enough?

Good.

Sounds That Way To Me, Also.

So Just What CAN I Say?!

Hmm.

Well…

…The Whole Reason This Song Is On Ye Ole MP3Player In The First Place Is Our Little Bond.

I Actually Have Had A Copy Of This Song Since The 1980s.

On Cassette-Tape First…

…Then Later On CD.

It Was On Those “TIME LIFE” Classic Oldies Collections.

My Mother Purchased Them For Her And I.

She Knew I Loved Listening To The Oldies Stations When We’d Ride Around In The Car.

I Enjoyed Singing-Along With Them, And Listening To Her Sing-Along In Kind.

She Didn’t Care Too Much For The Bulk Of The Music Of MY Youth…

…So We’d Listen To The Music Of HER Youth.

That’s How I Originally Heard The Music Of Peeps Like…

ROY ORBISON

BUDDY HOLLY

HERMAN’S HERMITS

THE BEATLES

THE DAVE CLARK FIVE

Etc Etc Etc

…And YES…

THE PLATTERS

!!! !!!

🙂

So I Had Many Different Types Of Memories Come Rushing To Me When I Heard This Song…

“THE GREAT PRETENDER“

…This Morning.

Some Good.

Some Great.

Some Not Good Nor Great.

But Many Memories, Nevertheless.

It’s Honestly A Great Little Number, Kiddies.

And Regardless Of Whether Thinking About Matters Of The Heart…

…Or Matters Of The Head…

…Or Matters Of A Mixed Nature…

…Good OR Bad…

…It Remains A Great Little Number.

It Has A Special Place In My Life…

…Past AND Present…

…And I’m Sure It Will Continue To Have That Place Well Into The Future.

This Song Has Been With Me The Bulk Of My Life…

…And It’s ALWAYS Been A Keeper.

Y’all Should Just Trust Me, Fo SHO!

😉

Hope Everyone Has A Good Day.

Y’all Know I’ll Be Doing What I Can To Make That Happen For Myself.

So Y’all Should Really Try Doing So For Yourselves, Or Anyone Else You Can.

So Long As We’re All Still Standing At The End…

…It’ll Be Just Jim Dandy.

Right?!

RIGHT!!

😀     😀

“When Our Memories Outweigh Our Dreams, We Have Grown Old.” –BILL CLINTON

-=WILLIAM JEFFERSON “BILL“ CLINTON=-

-=(1946–Present)=-

-=Our 42ND PRESIDENT Of The UNITED STATES Of AMERICA=-

What’s On Now!?: “SPACE RAIDERS” (1983)

Have You Ever Watched A Flick Where More Than Half Of It Was Pieced Together From The Shots, Used And Unused, Of Another Flick?!?

Well Then, My Peeps…

…You’re In For A Treat!!!

😀

The Flick I’m Eluding To Is…

“SPACE RAIDERS“

(1983)

…Starring…

VINCE EDWARDS

…And…

DAVID MENDENHALL

…And Produced By The King Of Schlock, Himself…

ROGER CORMAN

!!! !!!! !!!

😀

“SPACE RAIDERS“

…Is One Of The Few Flicks On V.H.S. I Still Have AND Enjoy.

Most Of The Others Were Either Sold, Or Scrapped, Or Simply Given Away.

I Really Just Couldn’t Part With This One.

It’s A Personal Fave-Fave…

…And In Cherry Condition!

So Why Part With It, Ya Know?!

EXACTLY!!

I Knew You’d Agree With Me!!

😉

“SPACE RAIDERS“

…Is The Story Of A 10-Year-Old Boy Named PETER (Played By DAVID MENDENHALL) Who…

…During An Intense Battle On His Home Planet…

…Stows Away Aboard The Ship Of The Raiding Party.

He’s Then Considered Their Captive…

…Though, As It Turns Out, All The Raiders Really Want To Do Is Get The Boy Back Home Again

VINCE EDWARDS Is “HAWK”…

…The Leader Of The Raiders!

He’s A Hard-Boiled, Old-School Military Officer Whom Has Taken To Raiding Corporation Sites All Over The Galaxy.

He Knows That Having A Corporation Child On-Board Is Going To Bring Nothing But Trouble, Or Worse…

…So He Decides The Best Thing To Do Is To Just Get PETER Home Again.

However…

…That Ain’t Gonna Be Easy!

Que SCI-FI ACTION And ADVENTURE!!!

😀

“SPACE RAIDERS“

…Is Honestly A Better Flick Than Anyone Ever Wanted To Admit.

Nearly ALL Of The Secondary Film Shots Were Taken Directly From Those Secondary Shots Of Another ROGER CORMAN Flick…

“BATTLE BEYOND THE STARS“

…No Foolies!!!

Every Scene Showing Spaceships…

…Battles Between The Good Guy And Bad Guy Ships…

…Alien Landscapes…

…Etc Etc…

…Were All Scenes Shot For…

“BATTLE BEYOND THE STARS“

!!! !!!

The Only Scenes That Were Original Were Those Shot With The Cast Of…

“SPACE RAIDERS“

…And That’s It.

Everything Else Is Recycled Material.

😀

Yeah.

So You Can Easily Understand Why So Many People Disliked This Flick.

Right?!

RIGHT!!

😉

HOWEVER…

…Regardless Of That Minorly-Major’ish Fact…

“SPACE RAIDERS“

…Is Still Fun Flick!

Always Remember, Kids…

…When BRADLEY ALAN Watches A Flick…

…He Always Tries To Watch It As Though He’s NEVER SEEN ANOTHER FLICK.

Period.

I Feel That’s The Only Way To Truly Judge AND Enjoy Something.

You Can’t Go Into Any Movie, TV Show, Documentary, Etc, Thinking About All That Has Come Before.

You Just Can’t.

You Have To Take Each One…

…And Then Quietly Observe.

If You Can Manage To Do That, You’ll Find It’s Much Easier To Decided Whether You Do Like Something, Or Do Not.

Most People Hate…

“SPACE RAIDERS“

…And Refer To It As “RECYCLED JUNK” That Sincerely Should Have Never Been Made.

BUT…

…For ME…

“SPACE RAIDERS“

…Is A Nifty Little Number That Always Reminds Me Of Being A Kid.

As A Kid, It Was One Of My All-Time Faves.

These Days…

…Yeah…

…Some Of That Wonder And Excitement Brought About From Childhood Has Worn Off.

I Can’t Deny That.

BUT…

…It’s Still Important To Me.

That’s Why I Kept This V.H.S. Edition.

To Remind Me Of What Things Were Like Back In The Day.

Those Memories Are Priceless.

So Even Just Looking At The Tape Itself Is Enough, Sometimes.

Do You Have Anything Like That, My Peeps?!

Something From Your Past That’s Out-Dated And Mainly-Useless…

…Yet Makes You Happy When You See It…

…Or Hold It…

…Or Touch It…

…Or…

…In This Instance…

…Watch It?!

I’ll Bet You Do!!!

PRICELESS, My Peeps.

PRICELESS, Indeed!

😀