Does Life Get Any Easier After A Difficult Admission?!?

In Short…

…Maybe?

It’s Very New To Me, So I’m Still Trying To Handle It.

I Risked A Lot, I Believe.

I Risked Losing One Of The Very Best People I Know, Simply Because I Found I Cared For Them Much More Than I’d Ever Expected To.

How Do You Tell Someone You Love That You Really Do Love Them, Knowing Ahead Of Time The Best Response You’re Bound To Receive Is “I Know“???

It’s Not Easy.

Not By Any Stretch Of The Imagination.

In Fact, At The Time, It Was Painful.

I Just Had A Feeling It Wasn’t Going To Go Over Well.

Honestly, I Expected It To Go Over Like A Turd In The Punch-Bowl.

Lucky For Me, The Person I’m Speaking Of Cared More About Our Friendship Than Even I Knew.

I Did Get The “I Know“ But I Also Got An “It’s Alright“ And An “I Understand“…

…Neither Of Which Was I Honestly Expecting.

I Just Knew I Was About To Lose Someone Very Important To Me Because I Cared About Them Way Too Much.

But, I Didn’t.

I Didn’t Lose Them.

In Fact, I Think Our Bond Will Be Even Stronger.

Now That They Know How I Feel, I Don’t Feel The Enormous Weight Pressing Upon Me.

I Don’t Feel The Desperation.

The Want, The Need, To Just Say Something.

I Had Made The Choice To Suffer In Silence For A Long Time Over This.

Perhaps That Part Was A Mistake?

Maybe?

But, Honestly, I Don’t Think So.

I Think The Suffering Part Actually Helped.

Once I Was Finally Able To Work-Up The Courage To Say Something…

…I Went For It.

I Said It.

And I Made Sure I Was Understood.

Now That We’re All Clear On It, I Feel So Much Better.

Well, Better Than I Have For A While.

A Long While.

I’ve Made So Many Mistakes Along The Way.

Mistakes I Can Never Take Back, Nor Ever Be Forgiven For.

I’ve Hurt Some Important People In My Life, While I Was Struggling With My Own Pain And Hurting.

I Suppose One Could Say I Was Projecting My Anguish Onto Others?

I Was Making Others Suffer As I Suffered.

And I Can’t Justify It.

Not. A. Bit. Of. It.

So Now, I’m Left Wondering What The Next Step Is?

Where Do I Go From Here?

In All Honesty, My Peeps, I Haven’t The Foggiest.

I Know Life Will Never Be Easy…

…But Perhaps Now It Will Be A Little Easier?

Maybe?

I’ll Take A “Maybe?” At This Point, Fo SHO!

😉

Love. It’s Painful And Sickening… …But It’s Love.

I Have Never Shied Away From Love.

I Have Always Believed Love Is As Essential To Life As Air And Water.

I Have Also Always Believed That One Person Needn’t Love Just One Person.

One True Love May Be How The Fairytale Goes…

…But It’s Not How Life Goes.

Not Real Life, Anyway.

I’ve Had 10 Relationships Overall…

…And I Can Tell You That Of Those 10 I Was Seriously In Love With 4 Of Them.

Of Those Include…

…The Original…

…The One Whose Heart I Broke…

…The One Who Broke My Heart.

But There Were Others.

There Were Outsiders.

People I Wasn’t In A Relationship With, Yet I Loved With Every Fiber Of My Being.

Actually, There Are More Of Those Than There Are Those I Was In A Really Real Relationship With.

So How Do You Know It’s Love?

Like, When It’s Really Really REAL Love?

Honestly, That’s The Hard Part.

Separating Feelings.

Knowing What’s Real.

What’s Being Made-Up.

It’s A Rather Daunting Task At Times, My Peeps.

Right Now…

…At THIS Moment….

…If You Were To Ask Me If I Were In Love…

…I’d Say YES.

But If You Asked Me To Break-It-Down For Y’all…

…I’d Almost Have To Plead The 5TH.

WHY?

Because I Have Multiple Loves.

Because I Can’t Name Just One Person.

Because To Answer The Question Honestly And Sincerely…

…I Have To Hurt Someone Else.

My Head Says Do This And Do It This Way.

My Heart Says Do This And Do It This Way.

But Neither My Head NOR My Heart Is Giving Me The Same Answer.

If I Were Thinking With Only My Head, This Post Wouldn’t Even Be Happening.

But I’m Not.

I’m More So Thinking With My Heart…

…And, For Me, That Generally Spells Trouble.

I Just Can’t Seem To Shake This.

Can’t Seem To Shake These Feelings Of Regret.

What Did I Do Wrong?

Where Did I Go Wrong?

How Could I Have Done Better?

Would We Still Be Together Had I Not Been Me?

It’s Maddening.

It Only Serves To Make Me Sicker.

It’s Hard To Heal A Body That Has A Head AND Heart Ache.

I Am Trying.

I Really Am.

It’s Just Not Happening For Me.

I Was Doing So Much Better Until Recently.

I Was Keeping My Shit Together.

I Was Able To Compartmentalize My Feelings.

I Kept It All Straight.

I Kept It All Separated.

I Kept My Feelings OUT Of Any And All Situations.

And Now, That Feels Impossible.

My Feelings Have Been Unleashed And I Don’t Know How To Recapture Them.

I Don’t Know How To Suck It All Back Up Inside.

I Want To.

I Want To Go Back To Being Emotionless.

That Was Much Easier To Manage.

At Least…

…It Was For ME.

We Are Emotional Creatures, I Know I Know.

But That Doesn’t Mean We Have To Lead With Our Emotions.

It Just Means We Have Them…

…And They’ll Likely Cloud Whatever It Is We’re Trying To Convey To Others.

I Call Love “Painful And Sickening” And I’m Very Right About That.

Love IS “Painful” And Always Will Be.

Love IS ALSO “Sickening” And I’m Only Just Learning This.

These Past Few Days…

…I’ve Been Ultra-Ill…

…And Hadn’t Yet Figured Out WHY.

That Is Not Until I Sat Down And Began To Pen This Piece.

Then I Realized Something.

This All Started When Someone Invited Me Over To Their Place.

Someone I Sincerely Care For.

Someone I Honestly Love.

Someone Who Doesn’t Feel The Same Way Toward Me And Never Ever Will.

And…

…To Add Insult To Injury…

…Another Person I Sincerely Care For And Honestly Love Was Going To Be There.

So I Would Have Been There.

Sitting.

Watching The Two Of Them.

Knowing How I Feel.

Knowing How They’ll Never Feel.

It Drives Me Bonkers, My Peeps.

I’ve Been Lost In Thought.

And I Don’t Know How To Snap Out Of It.

How Could I Be So Damned Foolish, My Peeps?

How Could I Let This Happen?

Falling In Love With A Friend Is Bad Enough…

…But To Fall For His Ex-Fiance Is Just A Blunder Of Epic Proportions.

I Don’t Take Love Lightly.

I Used To.

I Used To Fall In and Out Of Love Very Easily.

But Not Anymore.

Now It Takes Time.

It Takes Patience.

And When It Happens…

…It Hits Fast…

…It Hits Hard…

…It Hits WITHOUT Mercy.

It Doesn’t Care About WHO Or WHAT It Tramples…

…It Just Wants What It Wants And That’s It.

That’s All That Matters.

At Least, At The Time.

I Hate Love.

The Highest Highs.

The Lowest Lows.

The Horrid Feelings One Has When They Realize Love Has Come And Gone Yet Again.

Is It Worth it?

Is It Really Worth It?

Knowing You’re Going To Be Hurt In Every Instance?

Knowing The Fairytale Won’t Come True Yet Again…

…And You’ll Be Left To Sift Through The Proverbial Ashes?

I Just Don’t Know, My Peeps.

I Just Don’t Know.

I Am In Love.

I Am Deeply In Love.

It’s Just Not All Directed Toward The Same Person.

Will That Be My Downfall?

Is That Why I’ve Been Sick?

How Does One Escape Its Evil Clutches?

How Does One Pick-up And Carry-On?

How Does One Tell The Person He Loves That He Loves Someone Else, Also?

It’s Crazy.

Simply Crazy.

How Could I Be So Foolish, My Peeps?

And At What Cost?

We Don’t Get To Choose Who We Love.

Love Chooses Who It Loves.

And It’s NOT Always The Person We Would Like It To Be.

Sometimes…

…Love Takes A Very Wide Turn.

Sometimes…

…Love Takes Us In A Direction We’re Not Expecting.

Sometimes…

…Love Can Be Blissful AND Wonderful.

And Sometimes…

…Love Can Be Painful AND Sickening.

It Leaves Us Wondering.

It Leaves Us Wanting.

It Leaves Us.

And There’s No Stopping It.

It’s A Vengeful Bitch That Must Have Its Fill.

When It’s Done…

…It’s Done.

And Not Until.

I’m Going To End This With A Quote.

One I’ve Found That Totally Sums-Up Everything I’ve Said Here.

“THE SWEETEST JOY, THE WILDEST WOE, IS LOVE.”

—PHILIP JAMES BAILEY