When Remembering Turns To Dwelling Turns To Suffering…

You Know Youre Fu*ked.

At This Moment, Im Writing Just To Watch Myself Write.

Ive Slept Less Than 35Hours In The Past 10Nights COMBINED.

Im Irritable.

Im Sullen And Moody.

Ive Lost 15LBS In That 10Day Span.

I Dont Understand Why I Let Myself Get This Depressed.

I Know I Do It To Myself.

Its My Own Fault.

But, IM Not My Own Fault.

I Know That.

I Never Have Been.

I Was Created And Shaped By Events In My Life That Have Seriously Fu*ked-MeUp.

Why Cant I Shake This?

Why Does The Past Still Cling To Me Like The Stench Of Death?

It Haunts My DayToDay Existence.

I Know Why.

BECAUSE I LET IT.

Period.

MY BAD.

Its These Memories.

I Cant Handle Them As Well As Id Like To.

As Well As I SHOULD.

Its Honestly Maddening.

Its Hard.

Its So Very VERY Hard.

I Go From Day To Day Seeing No Benefit From It All.

Ive…

Sheesh

Ive Become My Own Worst Enemy.

Just As I Was Always TOLD I Would Be.

Just As I Always KNEW I Would Be.

It Happens To Us All At Some Point, Sure.

It’s Life.

Its LIVING Life.

My Moments Of Weakness And Horror Come To Me Like Flashes.

As Images.

Images A Person Should Never See.

No One.

The Thoughts Linger.

The IllFeelings They Cause Linger Longer.

Am I Having An Identity Crisis?

Whatever It Is, Its Hanging On Way Way WAY Tooo Long.

Talking To People Is Becoming More And MORE Difficult.

There Are A Couple Key People Id Love To Talk To.

They Just Dont Want To Talk To Me.

Sometimes, I Break Down And Simply MUST Talk To Someone.

Those Are The Moments When Im Feeling My Worst.

When I Know Somethings Wrong Inside, And I Need To Make An Outside Connection Before I Snap.

I Feel The Worst, Though, When I Do Have To Ask For Help.

But, At The Point I Start Talking, Im Already Scraping The Bottom Of The Barrel For The Oxygen I Need To Survive.

I Am.

It Gets Hard To Breathe.

I Start Feeling Sorry For Myself.

I Lose Personal Control.

I Become Someone Else.

Someone I Truly Am NOT.

A Whining

Crying

Sniveling

UsedToBe.

I Know I’m Only 30ishish.

Some Attempt To Push Upon Me That Im Still Far Too Young To Deal With Shit As I Do.

But, Everyones Different

Correct???

Everyones Got Their Own Stopping And Starting Point.

Their Own Breaking Point.

I Guess Mine Was Just A Bit Earlier In Life Than Some Others.

I Know I Dont Have It That Bad.

Its Not Like Someone Close To Me Has Died, Or Is Dying.

Its Simply The Past.

A Past Ive Yet To Beat.

A Past Ive Yet To Escape From.

A Past Ive Yet To Come To Terms With.

A Past Ive Yet To Let Go Of And Move On From.

And Its Destroying My Present.

I Guess Some Of This Is Normal, Right?

Thinking Of It All Has Just Brought Me Down So Much.

I Just Feel Very Alone, At Times.

But, I Do Understand That Life Could Be Much Worse.

Sadly

My Once RemarkedUpon Eyes Are Heavy, Dark, And Tired.

My Hopeful Outlook Has Turned Bleak.

Yet, Despite It All, I Survive.

MAYBE It All Has Made Me Stronger In Some Ways?

But, At What Personal Cost?

With Age And Experience Has Also Come Fear

Hate

Despair.

Where I Once Felt Love, I Now Feel Bitterness.

Where I Once Felt Alive, I Now Feel Drained.

Where I Once Cared About Life, I Now Resent It.

So Sad, Yet, So True.

It Just Pisses Me Off To No Extent.

When Wonderful Memories Become Jaded With Time.

I Swear, It Literally Makes Me Sick.

What I Wouldnt Give For A Moments Peace.

A Clear Mind.

A Quiet Mind.

I Know I Have Some Amazing Moments Stored In My BrainCase.

Ive Just Become To Bitter To See Them.

*** ***

PLEASE, My Peeps

Dont Be Alarmed By Anything Ive Said.

Its Just A Downer Moment For Me, And Im Allowing You To Experience It With Me.

I Guess I Just Wanted To Vent A Bit, As I Often Do When I Get Like This.

As Ive Said To Yall Before

…Sometimes, Its Not Just The BEST Therapy

…Its The ONLY Therapy.

Right???

RIGHT!!!

So... Are YOU Jivin Me -questionmark-

The Song Making Me Smile Right This Minute??? “PARALYZER” by FINGER ELEVEN (2007)!!!

/\

//\\

*** ***

I Hold On So Nervously

To Me And My Drink

I Wish It Was Cooling Me. …”

“…But, So Far Has Not Been Good

Its Been Shitty

And, I Feel Awkward As I Should. …”

“…This Club Has Got To Be

The Most Pretentious Thing

Since I Thought You And Me. …”

“…Well, I Am Imagining

A Dark Lit Place

Or, Your Place

Or, My Place. …”

“…Well, Im Not Paralyzed

But, I Seem To Be Struck By You

I Want To Make You Move

Because, Youre Standing Still

If Your Body Matches What Your Eyes Can Do

Youll Probably Move Right Through Me On My Way To You! …”

Fingereleventhemvs.youvs.me (via Wikipedia)

PARALYZER Is Off Of FINGER ELEVENs 2007 Album THEM Vs YOU Vs ME!!!

*** ***

\\//

\/

So…

…Why Is This Song…

PARALYZER

by FINGER ELEVEN

…Making Me Smile So Much, This Morning???

Welllll…

…I Was Invited To Go Out, Last Night.

I Was Invited To Go Out, To Meet-Up At The Local Dance-Club/Bar Place Thingy To Have A Few Drinks, And To Mingle With The Crowd.

Sadly, That’s Why I Had To Turn Down The Offer.

I Wanted To Go Out.

I Really Did.

In Fact, I’ll Admit I Really REALLY Wanted To Go.

So Much So, In Fact, I Originally Said I WOULD Go.

But, Then I Started Thinking About The Large Crowd And That Meager Club.

And, Well, I Slowly Started To FREAK-OUT.

😦

I Simply Can’t Handle It, Anymore.

I Mean, I Can Handle Cramped Spaces.

That’s Not My Issue.

As I’ve Told You Before, I Once Spent Three (3) Days In Solitary Confinement During My Navy Days.

So, No, It’s Not The Small Spaces I Can’t Handle.

It’s The Large Amount Of People In The Close-Quarters That I Can’t Handle.

The Last Time I Was Inside That Club, I Had A Panic-Attack.

There Were Just So Many People.

I Felt Like I, Literally, Could Not Breathe.

I Ended-Up Tearing-Ass Out Of That Place So Fast It Was Frightening.

I’ve Never Been Back Inside That Club.

Not Once.

So…

Why Am I Smiling?!?

I’m Smiling, Because The Guy In The Song Could EASILY Be ME.

He’s Having A Shitty Time.

He Doesn’t Really Want To Be There.

He Feels Awkward.

Later On In The Song, He Says…

“…I Hold Out For One More Drink

Before I Think

Im Looking Too Desperately. …”

Let Me Just Say Right Now, I Know EXACTLY How He Feels.

This Song Makes Me Smile So Much, Because I Can Totally Put Myself In His Place AND I Can Totally Understand Where He’s Coming From.

I’ll Also Admit I’m A Touch Disappointed In Myself For NOT Going Out To Spend Time With My Friend.

I Had The Chance To Show Him He’s More Important Than My Personal Issues…

…And, I Totally Blew That One Out My Ass.

I Know He Won’t Hold It Against Me, As He Already Knows My Feelings Toward The Bar Scene.

But, I Also Know He’s (probably) A Little Disappointed In Me.

That’s Totally MY BAD, My Peeps, I Know.

BUT, I’m Pretty Damned Decent At Making-Up For My Disappointments.

What Can I Say, I’ve Had A LOT Of Practice In That Field.

And, As A Final Admission, I’ll Tell You That My Friend Is VERY Attractive.

STRIKINGLY Attractive…

…Just Like The Other Person Being Talked About In The Song.

Strikingly Attractive People

+

Alcohol

+

Bradley

???

Nah.

That NEVER Works-Out Tooo Well.

So Many Reasons To Stay Home…

…Just Like The Guy In The Song Wanted To Do…

…And, Therefore, So Many Reasons To Be Smiling About This Song…

FINGER ELEVENs

PARALYZER

…This Morning.

I Think I’ll Just Settle For A Lunch Date.

Somewhere Uncrowded.

Somewhere Quite.

Somewhere I Can Have An Actual Conversation With The Other Person WITHOUT The Shitty Dance-Club-Soundtrack In The Background.

Sound Better To You???

GREAT!!!

Sounds Better To ME, Also!!!

So... Are YOU Jivin Me -questionmark-

😀       😉       😀

Me & “Mr. Negative” Over Here…

…Wanted To Apologize For All The Negativity I’ve Spewed Of Late, My Peeps.

When Things Start Going Wrong For A Person, They Usually Do So In Rather LARGE Clumps.

Yes

…Some Have Said I’ve Been Waaaaay Too Harsh On Myself.

Maybe I Have.

Maybe I Haven’t.

Who’s To Say???

Exactly, My Peeps.

But, That’s Not My Current Point.

I’m Talking About My Negative Approach To…

…Ohhh…

…99.993% Of My Recent Life?!

(((Give Or Take A % Or Two.)))

That Part Is Totally MY BAD.

It Hasn’t Always Been That Way, As You’re Well Award.

I Can BE Negative.

I Am NOT Always This “MR. NEGATIVE” Creature.

Lately…

…”MR. NEGATIVE” Is All I’ve Been, Though.

It Hasn’t Mattered What It Was…

…Chances Are It PISSED ME OFF.

It’s For THAT, And Mainly That Alone, I’m Really Sorry.

I Can’t Be Sorry For What I Said.

They Were Honest Expressions Of The Moment’s Emotions.

I Can Regret Them…

…But I Can’t Truly Be Sorry For Them.

I Meant Them.

SO

What Have I Learned From This???

Well, I Hate Exterior Drama And How It Perpetuates Itself.

I Create Enough Drama For Myself.

I’m Evidence Of That.

Ain’t That A BIG FO SHO.

: /

It’s Just Life, Kids.

I Know You Understand My Jive.

It’s Not Set.

Sometimes, I Fu*k-It-Up.

You Do It.

YOU DO!

You Could Slow Life Down To The Millisecond, And You’d Still Find A Way To Fu*k-It-Up!

YOU WOULD!

That’s How Life Works.

Goin’ Good…

…Goin’ Good…

Dammit

…Goin’ Good…

…Goin’ Good…

Dammit

Dammit

DAMMIT!

It Never Fails.

Since I Had The Option, I Blogged During My Issues.

Smart Idea?

???

The Jury Is Still Out On This One, Judge(s).

BUT, I Remain Hopeful.

😉

I Often Refer To My Blog As An Evolution.

It Is.

I’m Constantly Growing As A Blogger…

…And I Try To Learn More From BOTH My Successes AND My Failures.

Needless To Say…

(((Though I'm Going To Say It)))

…I’m Still Learning.

I’m Finding More And More Folks Seem To Care About My Work When I’m Cranking Out Quotes, Or I’m Discussing Personal Drama.

I’m Not Really Sure How To Take That.

Not YET, Anyway.

So... Are YOU Jivin Me -questionmark-

Unexpectedly…

…My Piece On “FORGIVENESS” Went Over Very Well.

Very VERY Well, Actually.

For That, I Thank Y’all.

I’ll Tell Y’all, It Was Exceptionally Honest.

Those, “Writing Because I Simply MUST MUST MUST” Moments  Seem To Be The Pieces That Do The Best.

((((Read "BEST" In This Context: Your Comments That Are Very Constructive.))))

Those Where I Just Lay It On The Line And Go For It.

My Intention Was To Talk, Briefly, About Somethin’ Happenin’ In My Life.

I Never, In My Wildest Dreams, Expected It To Go Over As It Did.

But, It Did.

It Went Over Amazingly Well.

I Don’t Know If It Was The Honesty Of The Writing…

…The Pain…

…The Anguish…

…The Heartfelt Sincerity…

…What….

???

All I Know Is That Y’all Seemed To Like It For Some Reason.

Period On That.

.

I Wanted Y’all To Know It Did Not Go Unnoticed.

The Question Is, How To Follow-It-Up?

For That, I Haven’t The Foggiest.

I’ve Thought AND Thought.

Much To My Dismay…

…I’ve Come-Up With Nothing Viable.

The “FORGIVENESS” Piece Took A Lot Out Of Me.

I Wasn’t Right The Whole Rest Of The Day.

But, It Was Tried, True, Honest.

I Simply Don’t Know Where To Go From Here.

I Want To Write.

I Need To Write.

But, What To Write?

I Just Don’t Know.

I Could Carry On.

I Could Keep It Going.

But, What Would I Say?

I Will Say I Spent All Of Yesterday Struggling To Move.

Walking…

…Talking…

…The Whole Shebang.

I Could Hardly Move.

And, When I Did Move, It Was Herky Jerky.

My Speech Was Slurred.

My Motion Was Funky.

I Just Don’t Know What Was Up.

I Told Y’all I Was Forgiven For A Grave Personal Injustice.

THAT Was Totally Unexpected.

I Never Saw It Coming.

Then Again, That’s The Whole Point Of Unexpected.

It Takes A Better Man Than Myself, That’s Fo SHO, To Do That To Me.

I Would Have Never Have Done It.

I Would Have Carried It With Me Forever.

I Would Have Been Hateful.

I Would Have Been Resentful.

I Would Have Been So Full Of Disgust.

I Would Have NEVER Have Forgiven Me.

I Felt I Deserved The Worst Of It.

I Felt I Deserved The Cold-Shoulder AND Both-Barrels.

I Haven’t The Foggiest.

Was It His Showing Me That “He’s The Better Man”?

Or, Was It His Showing Me “He’d Actually Moved On”?

Was It His Showing Me “He’d Truly, Truly Forgiven What I’d Done”?

Honestly, Don’t Know.

I Just Know It Happened.

I’m Just Having Little, To No, Success Fathoming It.

Ya Know Something…

…I’m Going To End This Here.

It Feels More Like A Ramble Than A Blog Post.

I Don’t Want That.

If I’m Going To Post Then Let Me Post.

Not Ramble.

Post.

So I’ll Say, Good Morning…

…Or Goodnight…

…Whichever It Is For You.

Hopefully, By The Next Time Around, You’ll Know If I’m Just Rambling Or Posting.

I Know…

…Most Of My Posts Are Rambles.

My Bad.

So... Are YOU Jivin Me -questionmark-

We Haven’t Talked Much Of Late. That’s Probably My Fault. Oops.

MY BAD, My Peeps.

MY BAD.

Just So I Get This Out Of The Way With Y’all…

…I Feel Horrid.

I Slept About 6-Hours This Afternoon/Evening.

I Didn’t Mean To.

I Kicked Back In The Comfy Chair…

…Closed My Eyes…

…And The Next Thing I Know I’m Waking Up Late Late Late.

Talk About A Real Pisser.

One Would Think Getting Plenty Of Sleep Would Make Me Feel Better.

Nope.

Not. At. All.

If Anything…

…I Feel Worse.

Such Is Life, I Suppose.

Think/Feel You’re Doing The Best Thing For Yourself…

…And Come To Find-Out, It Wasn’t.

Sounds Like The Story Of My Life.

Sounds Like The Story Of Many MANY Lives.

I Wish I Could Get Back To Sleep…

…But I Know That’s An Impossibility.

I Also Know I Won’t Sleep For Shit Tonight, Nor Will I Be Able To Sleep-In.

It’ll Be Another LATE NIGHT And EARLY MORNING.

😦

Par For The Course, I Suppose.

Sooooo…

…I’ll Likely Be Watching Documentaries All Night Long.

I Do So Love Them.

Calming.

Soothing.

Educational.

Time-Consuming.

All The Things I Count On When Watching A Quality Doc.

I Just Wish I Weren’t So Lethargic, Tonight.

I’m Draggin’ Ass, If You Must Know.

And Yet, I’m In No Way Tired Enough To Sleep.

Typical, Eh?

Typical, Indeed.

So, What Is One To Do?

Is This A Suck It Up And Deal With It Moment???

That’s How It Feels.

Right OR Wrong…

…That’s How It Feels.

I Think It’s Time To Attempt Something.

Rest?

Relaxation?

Doesn’t Matter.

Just So Long As I Get Some Sleep.

Or…

…Well…

…MORE Sleep.

Perhaps This Sleep Will Honestly Be Restful.

The Sleep I Got Earlier Just Made Me More More MORE Sleepy.

Such Is Life, I Say.

Such Is Life.

I Had So Much More Planned For This Post, Yet My Eyes Are Tired, Heavy, Stinging.

One Day, I’ll Get My Sleep/Wake Cycle Worked-Out.

One Day.

So... Are YOU Jivin Me -questionmark-

“Thinking? THINKING?! ME?! Nope. Never. What?! Are You Kidding?!? …”

“…You’d Better Be!!!”

BRADLEY

So... Are YOU Jivin Me -questionmark-

(Said Kinda Mean'ish'like To Someone Whom Basically Told Him He Thinks Too Much)

((OOPS))

(((MY BAD)))

😦