When Remembering Turns To Dwelling Turns To Suffering…

You Know Youre Fu*ked.

At This Moment, Im Writing Just To Watch Myself Write.

Ive Slept Less Than 35Hours In The Past 10Nights COMBINED.

Im Irritable.

Im Sullen And Moody.

Ive Lost 15LBS In That 10Day Span.

I Dont Understand Why I Let Myself Get This Depressed.

I Know I Do It To Myself.

Its My Own Fault.

But, IM Not My Own Fault.

I Know That.

I Never Have Been.

I Was Created And Shaped By Events In My Life That Have Seriously Fu*ked-MeUp.

Why Cant I Shake This?

Why Does The Past Still Cling To Me Like The Stench Of Death?

It Haunts My DayToDay Existence.

I Know Why.

BECAUSE I LET IT.

Period.

MY BAD.

Its These Memories.

I Cant Handle Them As Well As Id Like To.

As Well As I SHOULD.

Its Honestly Maddening.

Its Hard.

Its So Very VERY Hard.

I Go From Day To Day Seeing No Benefit From It All.

Ive…

Sheesh

Ive Become My Own Worst Enemy.

Just As I Was Always TOLD I Would Be.

Just As I Always KNEW I Would Be.

It Happens To Us All At Some Point, Sure.

It’s Life.

Its LIVING Life.

My Moments Of Weakness And Horror Come To Me Like Flashes.

As Images.

Images A Person Should Never See.

No One.

The Thoughts Linger.

The IllFeelings They Cause Linger Longer.

Am I Having An Identity Crisis?

Whatever It Is, Its Hanging On Way Way WAY Tooo Long.

Talking To People Is Becoming More And MORE Difficult.

There Are A Couple Key People Id Love To Talk To.

They Just Dont Want To Talk To Me.

Sometimes, I Break Down And Simply MUST Talk To Someone.

Those Are The Moments When Im Feeling My Worst.

When I Know Somethings Wrong Inside, And I Need To Make An Outside Connection Before I Snap.

I Feel The Worst, Though, When I Do Have To Ask For Help.

But, At The Point I Start Talking, Im Already Scraping The Bottom Of The Barrel For The Oxygen I Need To Survive.

I Am.

It Gets Hard To Breathe.

I Start Feeling Sorry For Myself.

I Lose Personal Control.

I Become Someone Else.

Someone I Truly Am NOT.

A Whining

Crying

Sniveling

UsedToBe.

I Know I’m Only 30ishish.

Some Attempt To Push Upon Me That Im Still Far Too Young To Deal With Shit As I Do.

But, Everyones Different

Correct???

Everyones Got Their Own Stopping And Starting Point.

Their Own Breaking Point.

I Guess Mine Was Just A Bit Earlier In Life Than Some Others.

I Know I Dont Have It That Bad.

Its Not Like Someone Close To Me Has Died, Or Is Dying.

Its Simply The Past.

A Past Ive Yet To Beat.

A Past Ive Yet To Escape From.

A Past Ive Yet To Come To Terms With.

A Past Ive Yet To Let Go Of And Move On From.

And Its Destroying My Present.

I Guess Some Of This Is Normal, Right?

Thinking Of It All Has Just Brought Me Down So Much.

I Just Feel Very Alone, At Times.

But, I Do Understand That Life Could Be Much Worse.

Sadly

My Once RemarkedUpon Eyes Are Heavy, Dark, And Tired.

My Hopeful Outlook Has Turned Bleak.

Yet, Despite It All, I Survive.

MAYBE It All Has Made Me Stronger In Some Ways?

But, At What Personal Cost?

With Age And Experience Has Also Come Fear

Hate

Despair.

Where I Once Felt Love, I Now Feel Bitterness.

Where I Once Felt Alive, I Now Feel Drained.

Where I Once Cared About Life, I Now Resent It.

So Sad, Yet, So True.

It Just Pisses Me Off To No Extent.

When Wonderful Memories Become Jaded With Time.

I Swear, It Literally Makes Me Sick.

What I Wouldnt Give For A Moments Peace.

A Clear Mind.

A Quiet Mind.

I Know I Have Some Amazing Moments Stored In My BrainCase.

Ive Just Become To Bitter To See Them.

*** ***

PLEASE, My Peeps

Dont Be Alarmed By Anything Ive Said.

Its Just A Downer Moment For Me, And Im Allowing You To Experience It With Me.

I Guess I Just Wanted To Vent A Bit, As I Often Do When I Get Like This.

As Ive Said To Yall Before

…Sometimes, Its Not Just The BEST Therapy

…Its The ONLY Therapy.

Right???

RIGHT!!!

So... Are YOU Jivin Me -questionmark-

I Sat Down To Write… …And Got Lost In Thought… …AGAIN!

This Is Happening Far Far FAR TOOOOOO OFTEN.

Period.

I Think Of Something I Wanna Write About…

…Then Get Muddled-Up Thinking About A Billion Other Things.

What About This?!

What About That?!

How Did I Manage This?!

What The Hell Is This?!

Why The Hell Am I Thinking About This?!

And On…

…And On…

…And On And On And On!

Grrr.

Drives Me Crazy!

Well…

…Crazier.

I’m Already Carting Enough Crazy Around With Me To Convert A Small City.

I Wish I Were Joking About That…

…But…

…Alas….

…I’m Not.

Hell, I’m Certified!

I’ve Got The Paperwork To Prove It!

Do YOU!?

See.

I Win.

Again.

Though, I’m Not Sure That’s Something I’d Really Wanna Claim As A Grand Victory, Ya Know?!

Sheesh.

ANYWAY…

…The Past Few Days Have Not Treated Me Well.

Being Ill Is An Understatement.

Goddamn Sinus-Infection.

They’re Bastards From Hell, I Swear!

So Not Only Is My Head Plugged AND Pounding…

…But It Forces Me To Breathe Through My Mouth.

What Does That Amount To?!

YEP…

…DRY MOUTH.

😦

Something I Sincerely Can’t Stand.

So I’ve Been Drinking My Weight In Water…

…And Lemonade.

I Simply LOVE Lemonade.

Must Be The Southern Portion Of My Upbringing.

That Side Of The Fam Was ALWAYS Big Into The Lemonade.

And The Sweet-Tea.

Love That Sweet-Tea.

Wait.

Why Am I Talking About Lemonade And Tea?!

Sheesh.

SEE!

I’m Just Rambling!

Dammit.

Someone Really Needs To Step-In And Stop Me When I Start That Shit.

I Don’t Mind It, But Everyone Else Seems To Hate It.

I CAN’T HELP IT!

I’m Long-Winded!

MY BAD!!!

😦

The Point Of All This Was For Me To Tell You WHY I’ve Been In Reblog-Mode.

It’s Simply Because I Haven’t Felt Great.

And Haven’t Felt Up To Writing, As I Am Now.

And NO, I’m Not Feeling Any Better Right Now.

But I Felt I MUST MUST MUST Get Something Out There To Explain My Recent Actions.

I Simply LOVE The Reblog Option.

When I Don’t Feel Quite Right…

…I Reblog.

Plain And Simple.

It Just So Happens People Have Been Talking About Things In Their Blogs That Sincerely Interest Me.

So…

…I Kinda Figure Other Peeps Might Also Be Interested.

Am I Right?!

Are You Interested?!

I Sure As Shit Hope So.

Otherwise, What’s The Point?!

I Don’t Want To Post Things Peeps Don’t Care About…

…But Sometimes That’s An Impossible Task.

Sheesh.

I’m Doing It Again.

I’m Rambling.

I Really Should Get That Part Of My Brain Checked-Out.

There Must Be A “Rambling OFF Button” Somewhere.

No One Has Been Able To Find Mine…

…Yet.

Maybe One Day?!

Maybe, Indeed.

πŸ˜€

Anyway, Kiddies…

…I’m Tired.

I Need A Rest.

I Haven’t Been Sleeping Very Well During My Current Ills.

It’s Hard To Sleep When You Can’t Breathe Through Your Nose.

This Is Something I’m VERY SURE Y’all Can Identify With.

It’s A Pisser, Fo SHO, My Peeps.

SO…

…I’m Going To Put On A Movie…

…I’m Going To Put My Feet Up…

…I’m Going To Relax To The Max…

…And I’m Going To Try My Best To NOT Do Anything Of Mention.

I Figure If I’m Not Doing Anything Worth Mentioning…

…Well…

…Ya Know…

…Perhaps I Won’t Mention It.

πŸ˜‰

What Movie Shall I Watch?!

I’m Thinking…

SOMEONE BEHIND THE DOOR

(1971)

…Starring…

CHARLES BRONSON

…And…

ANTHONY PERKINS

!!! !!!

-<<{http://youjivinmeturkey.com/2012/03/19/you-wanna-know-whats-on-eh-ever-heard-of-someone-behind-the-door-1971/}>>-

Sound Good To You?!

GREAT!!

Sounds Good To Me, Also!!

So Let’s Chill, My Peeps.

Let’s Put Up Our Feet.

Let’s Relax.

Let’s Get Lost In The World That Is Cinema.

Ready?!

Aaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnd….

…GO!

πŸ˜€