“True. I Was Their Number-One Son, And They Treated Me Like Number-Two…”

“…But, It‘s Human–Nature To Fear The Unusual.  Perhaps, When I Held My Tiffany Baby–Rattle With A Shiny Flipper Instead Of Five Chubby–Digits… …They Freaked.  But, I Forgive Them.”

—OSWALD COBBLEPOT/”THE PENGUIN“

((Danny DeVito, “BATMAN RETURNS” (1992)))

😀

When Remembering Turns To Dwelling Turns To Suffering…

…You Know You‘re Fu*ked.

—At This Moment, I‘m Writing Just To Watch Myself Write.

I‘ve Slept Less Than 35–Hours In The Past 10–Nights COMBINED.

I‘m Irritable.

I‘m Sullen And Moody.

I‘ve Lost 15–LBS In That 10–Day Span.

I Don‘t Understand Why I Let Myself Get This Depressed.

I Know I Do It To Myself.

It‘s My Own Fault.

But, I‘M Not My Own Fault.

I Know That.

I Never Have Been.

I Was Created And Shaped By Events In My Life That Have Seriously Fu*ked-Me–Up.

Why Can‘t I Shake This?

Why Does The Past Still Cling To Me Like The Stench Of Death?

It Haunts My Day–To–Day Existence.

I Know Why.

BECAUSE I LET IT.

Period.

MY BAD.

It‘s These Memories.

I Can‘t Handle Them As Well As I‘d Like To.

As Well As I SHOULD.

It‘s Honestly Maddening.

It‘s Hard.

It‘s So Very VERY Hard.

I Go From Day To Day Seeing No Benefit From It All.

I‘ve…

…Sheesh…

…I‘ve Become My Own Worst Enemy.

Just As I Was Always TOLD I Would Be.

Just As I Always KNEW I Would Be.

It Happens To Us All At Some Point, Sure.

It’s Life.

It‘s LIVING Life.

My Moments Of Weakness And Horror Come To Me Like Flashes.

As Images.

Images A Person Should Never See.

No One.

The Thoughts Linger.

The Ill–Feelings They Cause Linger Longer.

Am I Having An Identity Crisis?

Whatever It Is, It‘s Hanging On Way Way WAY Tooo Long.

Talking To People Is Becoming More And MORE Difficult.

There Are A Couple Key People I‘d Love To Talk To.

They Just Don‘t Want To Talk To Me.

Sometimes, I Break Down And Simply MUST Talk To Someone.

Those Are The Moments When I‘m Feeling My Worst.

When I Know Something‘s Wrong Inside, And I Need To Make An Outside Connection Before I Snap.

I Feel The Worst, Though, When I Do Have To Ask For Help.

But, At The Point I Start Talking, I‘m Already Scraping The Bottom Of The Barrel For The Oxygen I Need To Survive.

I Am.

It Gets Hard To Breathe.

I Start Feeling Sorry For Myself.

I Lose Personal Control.

I Become Someone Else.

Someone I Truly Am NOT.

A Whining…

…Crying…

…Sniveling…

…Used–To–Be.

I Know I’m Only 30‘ish‘ish.

Some Attempt To Push Upon Me That I‘m Still Far Too Young To Deal With Shit As I Do.

But, Everyone‘s Different…

…Correct???

Everyone‘s Got Their Own Stopping And Starting Point.

Their Own Breaking Point.

I Guess Mine Was Just A Bit Earlier In Life Than Some Others.

I Know I Don‘t Have It That Bad.

It‘s Not Like Someone Close To Me Has Died, Or Is Dying.

It‘s Simply The Past.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Beat.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Escape From.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Come To Terms With.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Let Go Of And Move On From.

And It‘s Destroying My Present.

I Guess Some Of This Is Normal, Right?

Thinking Of It All Has Just Brought Me Down So Much.

I Just Feel Very Alone, At Times.

But, I Do Understand That Life Could Be Much Worse.

Sadly…

…My Once Remarked–Upon Eyes Are Heavy, Dark, And Tired.

My Hopeful Outlook Has Turned Bleak.

Yet, Despite It All, I Survive.

MAYBE It All Has Made Me Stronger In Some Ways?

But, At What Personal Cost?

With Age And Experience Has Also Come Fear…

…Hate…

…Despair.

Where I Once Felt Love, I Now Feel Bitterness.

Where I Once Felt Alive, I Now Feel Drained.

Where I Once Cared About Life, I Now Resent It.

So Sad, Yet, So True.

It Just Pisses Me Off To No Extent.

When Wonderful Memories Become Jaded With Time.

I Swear, It Literally Makes Me Sick.

What I Wouldn‘t Give For A Moment‘s Peace.

A Clear Mind.

A Quiet Mind.

I Know I Have Some Amazing Moments Stored In My Brain–Case.

I‘ve Just Become To Bitter To See Them.

*** ***

PLEASE, My Peeps…

…Don‘t Be Alarmed By Anything I‘ve Said.

It‘s Just A Downer Moment For Me, And I‘m Allowing You To Experience It With Me.

I Guess I Just Wanted To Vent A Bit, As I Often Do When I Get Like This.

As I‘ve Said To Y‘all Before…

…Sometimes, It‘s Not Just The BEST Therapy…

…It‘s The ONLY Therapy.

Right???

RIGHT!!!—

The Song Stuck In My Head??? “I Need To Be Cleansed… It’s Time To Make Amends… For All Of The Fun… The Damage Is Done…” –DEPECHE MODE’s “TO HAVE And TO HOLD” (1987)

“…I Feel Diseased…

…I’m Down On My Knees…

…I Need Forgiveness…

…Someone To Bear Witness…

…To The Goodness Within…

…Beneath The Sin…

…Although I May Flirt…

…With All Kinds Of Dirt…

…To The Point Of Disease…

…I Want Release…

…All This Decay…

…Take It Away…

…And Somewhere…

…There’s Someone Who Cares…

…With A Heart Of Gold…

…TO HAVE And TO HOLD.”

“TO HAVE And TO HOLD” Is Off DEPECHE MODE‘s 1987 Album “MUSIC For The MASSES” !!!

*** *** *** *** *** *** ***

*** ***

I Have Mentioned This Song…

“TO HAVE And TO HOLD“

by DEPECHE MODE

…Before, But I Honestly Didn’t Tell You WHY It’s Important To Me.

It’s Pretty Easy To See Why This Song Is Stuck In My Head.

Right???

Yes, It’s A Personal Favorite.

Yes, It’s (admittedly) NOT Everyone’s Cup’O’Tea.

It’s Slow.

It’s Quirky.

It’s Dark.

BUT…

…It’s Also Amazingly Beautiful…

…And Brilliant…

…And Simple…

…And Profound.

It’s A Song That Has Stayed Close To My Heart Seemingly Forever.

Since I Was A Teenager, Anyway.

I Know All The Words By Heart AND By Head.

During My Roughest Patches, This Song Was A Savior.

It ALWAYS Said What I Couldn’t.

I Listened To It Over AND Over.

I Did.

Hell, I Did Right Before I Decided To Write About It.

Yeah, I Can Be A “Moody Bitch”…

…And This Song Helps Carry Me Through All Of It.

It’s One Of Those Songs That Brings A Mental AND Emotional Change.

It Does.

It Carries Me, At Times.

And, I Always Come Out On The Other Side.

Usually Damaged.

But, Always Still Alive.

I’d Say That’s Good Enough.

This Song…

“TO HAVE And TO HOLD“

by DEPECHE MODE

…Has, At Times, Kept Me Alive.

It Expresses Itself Sooo Much.

So Much So, In Fact, It Takes Care Of A LOT Of MY Expressing.

It’s So Much Easier To Calm Down When You Have A Song That Feels So Deeply.

You Become Helpless In Its Grasp.

You Get Lost For A Moment.

Just Long Enough To Calm Your Ass Down, Ya Know?!

It Rarely Fails.

Don’t Worry, My Peeps, It’s VERY Safe To ENJOY The Song.

Just Be Careful Where You Sing It Out-Loud.

Other People Will Always Give You That Look As If You’ve Got Some Serious Problems.

Pfft.

What Do They Know, Anyway?!

😉       😀       😉

Unexpectedly…

…My Piece On “FORGIVENESS” Went Over Very Well.

Very VERY Well, Actually.

For That, I Thank Y’all.

I’ll Tell Y’all, It Was Exceptionally Honest.

Those, “Writing Because I Simply MUST MUST MUST” Moments  Seem To Be The Pieces That Do The Best.

((((Read "BEST" In This Context: Your Comments That Are Very Constructive.))))

Those Where I Just Lay It On The Line And Go For It.

My Intention Was To Talk, Briefly, About Somethin’ Happenin’ In My Life.

I Never, In My Wildest Dreams, Expected It To Go Over As It Did.

But, It Did.

It Went Over Amazingly Well.

I Don’t Know If It Was The Honesty Of The Writing…

…The Pain…

…The Anguish…

…The Heartfelt Sincerity…

…What….

???

All I Know Is That Y’all Seemed To Like It For Some Reason.

Period On That.

.

I Wanted Y’all To Know It Did Not Go Unnoticed.

The Question Is, How To Follow-It-Up?

For That, I Haven’t The Foggiest.

I’ve Thought AND Thought.

Much To My Dismay…

…I’ve Come-Up With Nothing Viable.

The “FORGIVENESS” Piece Took A Lot Out Of Me.

I Wasn’t Right The Whole Rest Of The Day.

But, It Was Tried, True, Honest.

I Simply Don’t Know Where To Go From Here.

I Want To Write.

I Need To Write.

But, What To Write?

I Just Don’t Know.

I Could Carry On.

I Could Keep It Going.

But, What Would I Say?

I Will Say I Spent All Of Yesterday Struggling To Move.

Walking…

…Talking…

…The Whole Shebang.

I Could Hardly Move.

And, When I Did Move, It Was Herky Jerky.

My Speech Was Slurred.

My Motion Was Funky.

I Just Don’t Know What Was Up.

I Told Y’all I Was Forgiven For A Grave Personal Injustice.

THAT Was Totally Unexpected.

I Never Saw It Coming.

Then Again, That’s The Whole Point Of Unexpected.

It Takes A Better Man Than Myself, That’s Fo SHO, To Do That To Me.

I Would Have Never Have Done It.

I Would Have Carried It With Me Forever.

I Would Have Been Hateful.

I Would Have Been Resentful.

I Would Have Been So Full Of Disgust.

I Would Have NEVER Have Forgiven Me.

I Felt I Deserved The Worst Of It.

I Felt I Deserved The Cold-Shoulder AND Both-Barrels.

I Haven’t The Foggiest.

Was It His Showing Me That “He’s The Better Man”?

Or, Was It His Showing Me “He’d Actually Moved On”?

Was It His Showing Me “He’d Truly, Truly Forgiven What I’d Done”?

Honestly, Don’t Know.

I Just Know It Happened.

I’m Just Having Little, To No, Success Fathoming It.

Ya Know Something…

…I’m Going To End This Here.

It Feels More Like A Ramble Than A Blog Post.

I Don’t Want That.

If I’m Going To Post Then Let Me Post.

Not Ramble.

Post.

So I’ll Say, Good Morning…

…Or Goodnight…

…Whichever It Is For You.

Hopefully, By The Next Time Around, You’ll Know If I’m Just Rambling Or Posting.

I Know…

…Most Of My Posts Are Rambles.

My Bad.

How Important Is FORGIVENESS???

In Short…

…It Means The World At That Time.

The Point I Wish To Make With This Post Is That FORGIVENESS May Mean Life.

At Least, Now It Does.

I Was Forgiven For An Exceptional Injustice.

I Was Shocked.

I Was Amazed.

I Didn’t Feel I Deserved It…

…But I Got It.

To Be Forgiven By Another Is One Thing.

To Forgive One’s Self Is Totally Another.

He Forgave Me, Yet I Can’t Seem To Do The Same For Myself.

I Wish I Could Go Back.

I Wish I Could Stop What I Did Before It Ever Happened.

(((Side Note: I'd Cry, But I'm So Sick Right Now I Can Barely Write.)))

I Was So SO Foolish, And He Deserved Sooo Much More.

Much Better Than I Gave Him.

I Know The Eventual Outcome Wasn’t My Fault.

It Was A Moment Of Pure Stupidity On His Part.

But, That Doesn’t Change How I Feel.

I Wish It Did, But It Didn’t.

I’ve Been Sick, Since.

Since The Forgiveness.

It Just Doesn’t Feel Right.

I Wish He’d Ripped Me A New One.

I Wish He’d Dropped The Bomb On Me.

But, He Didn’t.

He Told Me I Shouldn’t Feel The Blame.

He Told Me That It  Wasn’t My Fault.

That It’s Nothing I Should Ever Worry Myself About.

But, I Can’t Do That.

I Try Try TRY…

…But I Can’t Do It.

God How I Wish I Could.

I Think My Life Would Be A Lot Different Had I Sucked-It-Up And Carried-On.

But, I Didn’t.

I Let It Eat At Me.

I Let It Destroy Me.

I Let It…

…I Let it…

…I Let It.

Ya Know What, Screw This Post.

I Have So Much I Want To Say…

…Yet Know I’ll Never Be Able To.

So I’ll End This Here.

Just Know, My Peeps, That You Are Loved AND Cared About Deeply.

If I’ve Wronged You…

…I’m Sorry.

I Tend To Rub People The Wrong Way, Which Is Why I’m Apologizing.

I Can Only Hope That…

…With TIME  And PATIENCE…

…I’ll Be Able To Get Beyond All Of This.

This Blog Post Is Evidence Of That.

I’m Trying To Move Beyond This, Kids.

Perhaps, One Day, I’ll Be Able To Do So.

Perhaps.

So, Why Is Love So Hard For Me To Handle?

Well, My Peeps…

…I Have A Story To Tell You, And I’m Not Really Sure How To Tell It.

I Have To Take You Back In Time A Bit.

Back To A Time When I Was Fickle.

Back Before I Understood The True Impact…

…The True Meaning Of What Love Really Is.

I’m Taking You Back 10 Years.

Back When My Issues Really Began.

You See, I Dated Someone.

Someone Beautiful…

…Inside AND Outside.

Someone With A Sharp Mind…

…With The Kindest Heart…

…Someone Whom Truly Deserved The Best I Could Give Them.

Regardless Of Any Thing…

…They Deserved The Very Very Best.

They Deserved Better Than I Ever Could Give Them Was What I Eventually Decided.

We Met.

We Hit It Off Immediately.

We Quickly Became A Young Power-Couple.

I Quickly Fell In Love…

…And I Fell Very VERY Hard.

So Quickly And So Hard, In-Fact, That I Became Truly Terrified.

I Admit It, My Peeps, I Was Scared Shitless.

He Was Young.

He Was Physically Strong.

He Was Physically Hot.

He Was Emotionally Strong.

He Was Emotionally Complete.

And I Know He Loved Me.

He Loved Me Like No One Ever Had…

…Like No One Ever Has Since.

And, As I’ve Said, I Was Scared.

I Was Terrified.

And I Held Back.

I Did My Best Never To Tell Him Just How Much I Cared…

…Just How Much I Truly Loved Him.

I Never Let Him Know How Wonderful He Was.

How Special He Was.

How Much I Wanted Him.

How Much I Wanted To Protect Him.

So…

…The Decision Was Made By ME, Of Course.

The Decision Was Made To Spare This Guy.

The Best Way To Protect Him…

…The Best Way To Make Sure I Didn’t Eventually Do As I Always Do And Eventually Hurt Him.

The Decision Made Was To Let Him Go.

To Me, That Was The Best Thing I Could Do For Him.

I Couldn’t Let Him Into My World As I Wanted To…

…So I Did, What I Considered To Be, The Noble Thing.

I Walked Away.

I Pulled The Plug.

Right Or Wrong, That’s How It Eventually Went Down.

I Convinced Him I Wasn’t Happy.

I Convinced Him I Didn’t Really Want To Be With Him.

I Convinced Him I Only Ever Dated Him In The First Place Because I Saw Him As A Virtual Doppelganger To A Previous Love Of Mine.

I Did Everything I Could To Make Sure He Was Convinced I Was Serious.

That I Really Wanted out.

After A Few Tears…

…From Us Both…

…We Separated.

The Break-Up Actually Went Better Than I Expected It To.

We Parted Ways Later That Day.

I Haven’t Seen Him, Face To Face, Since.

But All Of This Was More The Preamble To The Meat Of The Story.

You See…

…Fast Forward A Few Months…

…I’m Sitting At Home.

A Simple, Quiet Evening.

I Was Feeling Tired.

I Was Feeling Lonely.

I Was Feeling Sorry For Myself…

…And For Things I’d Done Or Said.

Then The Phone Rang.

To My Astonishment, It Was Him.

He Was Contacting Me!

My Heart Literally Leaped!

I Couldn’t Have Been More Excited About The Prospect Of Hearing His Voice Again…

…His Sweet, Sweet Voice.

I’d Wanted To Hear His Voice So So Badly…

…I Was Just Too Stubborn To Call Him Myself.

Each Time I’d Considered Doing So, I Talked Myself Out Of It.

But Now…

…This Time…

…Here He Was.

That Phone-Call, Sadly, Would Become A Living Nightmare.

He Was Tearful.

His Voice Was Shaky.

He Was, Quite Frankly, Terrified.

And Then He Laid It On Me.

Shortly After We’d Broken-Up…

…He Did What Most Would Do In His Situation.

He Went Out.

He Partied.

He Had Fun.

He Did What He Could To Get Me Out Of His Head…

…Out Of His Heart.

So He Got Himself Laid.

He Put Me As Far Behind Himself As He Could.

He Was Experiencing Life Again.

And That’s All It Took.

The Phone-Call Wasn’t To Say Hello.

It Wasn’t To Say Hi, How Are You, What’s New.

It Was To Tell Me He’d Just Received Notice That He Was Now HIV+.

Hearing Him Say Those Words Took A Moment To Sink In.

And Then All Could Think To Do Was Cry.

It Nearly Killed Me When I Finally Wrapped My Head Around It All.

It Was My Fault.

My Fault He Felt The Way He Did.

My Fault He Was Put Into That Situation.

My Fault For Thinking With My Head And NOT My Heart.

Had I Listened To My Heart…

…Honestly…

…I Would Never Have Let Him Go.

We Truly Were Very Perfectly Suited To One-Another.

Had I Not Been Such A Chicken-Shit…

…Had I Not Been So Scared Of My Own Feelings…

…Had I Simply Led With My Heart And Emotions…

…This Would Never Have Happened.

It’s A Guilt I’ve Carried With Me For Nearly 10 Years, Now.

I Did Something I Know I Shouldn’t Have…

…For What I Justified As A Justifiable Reason…

…And Instead Of Protecting Him From Myself…

…I Failed To Protect Him From Anything.

I Just Made Things Worse.

I Destroyed His Life.

I Agonize Over This Event To This Very Day.

I Think About It A Lot.

I Think About How Foolish I Was.

I Think About How Much I Really Did Love Him.

I Think About How I Never Told Him How Much I Really Loved Him.

I Can See The Breakup In My Mind To This Day.

I Remember Every Word I Uttered To Him.

I Remember His Tears.

I Remember That Phone-Call.

I Remember His Tears.

I Remember How I Wanted To Curl-Up And Die When The Call Finally Ended.

How Could I Have Done That, My Peeps?

How Could I Have Been So Foolish To Think That My Loving Someone Was Going To Be Their Ultimate Destruction?

Especially Now.

Knowing That Had I Just Told Him Once How Much I Cared…

…How Much I Wanted Him…

…How Much I Needed Him…

…That This Horrid Outcome Would Never Have Happened.

He Would Be Happy AND Healthy.

He Would Be Living The Life He Should Be.

But Because Of My Actions…

…Because I Couldn’t Handle The Extreme Powers Of Real Love…

…I Made The Worst Decision Of My Young Existence.

I Just Wish I Could Fix It.

I Wish I’d Never Let Him Go.

I Wish This Horrid Outcome Had Never Taken Place.

But I Can’t.

I Can’t Change It.

I Can’t Take It Back.

I Just Have To Live With The Knowledge That Had I Been A Real Man…

…Had I Been Honest About My Feelings…

…This Would Never Have Happened.

As I Said…

…He Would Be Happy AND Healthy…

…And I Would Be Guilt Free.

My Life Fell Apart After That.

I Stopped Loving.

Truly Loving.

I Stopped Trusting.

I Stopped Letting People Into My Life.

Not For My Sake…

…But For Theirs.

I Still Miss Him A Lot.

I Still Wonder How He Is…

…How He’s Doing…

…And I Hope He’s Alright.

I Just Hope…

…One Day…

…He’ll Be Able To Forgive Me.

It Would Be Nice To Know.

Even Though I’ll Never Be Able To Forgive Myself.

I Broke His Heart.

And Then I Shattered My Own.

I’ve Regretted My Actions Every Single Day Since.

It’s 10 Years Later…

…Yet I Haven’t Moved On.

It’s Been Simply Impossible.

Impossible To Let Go.

Impossible To Forgive.

It’s Something I Don’t Believe He’ll Ever Get Over.

And I Know For A Fact It’s Something I’ll Never Get Over.

I Do Still Miss Him.

I Do Still Love Him.

And I Couldn’t Feel More Sorry About It Than I Do.

To This Day…

…I Remain So So Sorry.

Perhaps, One Day, We’ll Meet Again.

And On That Day, Perhaps I’ll Be Able To Come Clean.

To Tell Him How I Felt Then…

…How I Feel Now.

He Deserves To Know The Whole Story.

He Deserves To Know Why I Did What I Did.

I Thought I Was Saving Him By My Walking Away.

All I Did Was Destroy Him.

And…

…In Turn…

…I Destroyed Myself.

“Mistakes Are ALWAYS Forgivable…”

“…If One Has The Courage To Admit Them.“

—BRUCE LEE

(1940-1973)