Multipurpose-Post: The State Of My Union, Part I

Good Morning, My Peeps.

How’s Things?

All Swell In Your Worlds?

Honestly, Things Have Been A Bit Odd Of Late Within My Own.

I’ve Been Going Through A Bout Of Some Pretty Extreme Personal-Depression That Has Been Sapping And Corking My Creative Juices.  It Happens To Us All At Some Point, Or At Least Happens To Those Of Us Intelligent Enough To Understand Our Own Situations.

My Life Situation Just Plainly Sucks.

Period.

I’m Trying To Take The High-Road. I’m Trying To Keep My Head Above The Water I Seem To Endlessly Be Treading. I’m Trying To Carry-On In The Only Way I Know How.

I Just Haven’t Felt Like Writing.

Not. At. All.

As I Said To Someone Earlier…

“…I pick-up my pen, I put it to the paper, but nothing comes out. I’ve just been so caught-up in personal emotional BS that everything else has taken a back seat, so to speak. I know I’ll find my voice again… …it’s just not at this moment.”

And Then It Happened, My Peeps.

I Awoke This Morning, And The First Thing I Wanted To Do Was Sit Down And Start Writing.

So, Here I Am. Writing To Y’all, Hoping Things Come-Out Right.

I Truly Have A Ton To Say, Yet Know I Can’t Say Most Of It.

Not Yet, Anyway.

Why?

Because, I Don’t Rightly Know How Some Things Are Going To Play-Out.

It’s Hard To Write About Something When All The Facts Aren’t In.

I Just Know I’m Unhappy.

Honestly, Truly Unhappy.

Not In Every Aspect Of My Life, But In Enough Of Them To Cause All Of This Mental/Emotional BS.

Life Continues To Throw Me Curveball After Curveball, And I’m Really Starting To Get Sick Of It.

Sadly, There’s Nothing I Can Do About That Other Than Continue To Take It All.

But, Changes Are Coming.

Things Are Happening.

While My Personal-Opinion Of Myself May Not Be Very High At The Moment, I’m Starting To Figure My Shit Out.

I’m On The Verge Of A Major Break-Out, Or So It Feels.

While Some Might Crack Under So Much Personal Pressure, I’m Fighting Back.

I’m Fighting Back Hard, My Peeps.

Life Is Giving Me Both Barrels, And I’m Doing Everything I Can To Give ‘Em Right Back.

What Else Can I/Could I Do, My Peeps?!

I’m Not Going To Lay Down And Die.

I’m Not Going To Let The World Rape Me, And Take Away What Little I Do Have.

I’m Not Going To Stop Fighting My Fight.

Period.

I Just Don’t Want Y’all To Worry About Me.

I Don’t Want Y’all To Waste Your Time And Energy On Something So Frivolous.

I’ll Get It All Worked-Out.

It’s Just Going To Take Some Time.

Lucky For Me, I Have All The Time In The World.

So, We Shall See How This All Pans-Out.

If You Wanna Cross Your Fingers For Me (you know, for good luck and such) Then You’re More Than Welcome To Do So.

Down, But Not Out.

That’s Me.

… … …

…

The Other Purpose Of This Little Posting Is To Celebrate Something Very VERY Special.

I Just Reached Another Personal Milestone With This Little Blog.

Which Milestone Is That, You Ask?!?

1,000 FOLLOWERS!!!

That’s What!!!

Put THAT In Your Collective Pipe And Smoke It, My Peeps!!!

BAAM!!!

1,000 FOLLOWERS!!!

Seeing That Made Me Smile Like Nobody’s Business, Fo SHO!

I Always Kinda Figured I’d Make It To This Stage, Or At Least Did At One Point.

Then I Started Sloughing-Off.

Once That Happened, I Wasn’t Sure I’d Ever Make Here.

But YOU, My Peeps, YOU Kept Coming Back.

New People Kept Showing Up.

The Blog Perpetuated.

We’re Over 1,000 Strong, Now, Kiddies.

Isn’t That Just F-in’ A-MA-ZING?!?!

Good.

I Totally Agree.

😀

I’m Going To Leave You With The Song Of My Morning.

I Don’t Rightly Know How Relevant It Is To My Before Mentioned Topics, But It’s The Song I’m Addicted To, Today.

Ever Heard This One?

“YOU GOT IT“

by ROY ORBISON

???

Great!!!

I Knew A Lot Of You Would Know It, And I Was Banking The Bulk Of You Would Enjoy It.

It’s One Of ROY ORBISON‘s More Peppy, Upbeat Numbers.

I Know, Most Of You Have Only Heard Me Play His Slower, Slightly More Depressing Tunes…

…But NOT Today.

I Do Sincerely Hope You Enjoy It, Kiddies.

And THANK YOU.

THANK YOU For Continuing To Support Me…

…To Support This Blog…

…To Give Me An Outlet Where I Can Honestly Get Something Back.

I Derive So Much Pleasure From Talking To Y’all, Reading Your Work, Exchanging Comments, Ideas, Etc Etc.

Honestly, I Love It.

Fo F-in’  SHO, My Peeps.

😉     😀     😉

It’s FRIDAY, Kiddies.

The Weekend Is Upon Us.

Let Us All Try To Make It A Good One.

I’m Going To Do My Very Best, And Trust Y’all Will Be Doing The Very Same.

Take Care, My Peeps.

Try To Be Good.

See Me Soon, And Talk To Me Sooner.

L8r L8r L8r

When Remembering Turns To Dwelling Turns To Suffering…

…You Know You‘re Fu*ked.

—At This Moment, I‘m Writing Just To Watch Myself Write.

I‘ve Slept Less Than 35–Hours In The Past 10–Nights COMBINED.

I‘m Irritable.

I‘m Sullen And Moody.

I‘ve Lost 15–LBS In That 10–Day Span.

I Don‘t Understand Why I Let Myself Get This Depressed.

I Know I Do It To Myself.

It‘s My Own Fault.

But, I‘M Not My Own Fault.

I Know That.

I Never Have Been.

I Was Created And Shaped By Events In My Life That Have Seriously Fu*ked-Me–Up.

Why Can‘t I Shake This?

Why Does The Past Still Cling To Me Like The Stench Of Death?

It Haunts My Day–To–Day Existence.

I Know Why.

BECAUSE I LET IT.

Period.

MY BAD.

It‘s These Memories.

I Can‘t Handle Them As Well As I‘d Like To.

As Well As I SHOULD.

It‘s Honestly Maddening.

It‘s Hard.

It‘s So Very VERY Hard.

I Go From Day To Day Seeing No Benefit From It All.

I‘ve…

…Sheesh…

…I‘ve Become My Own Worst Enemy.

Just As I Was Always TOLD I Would Be.

Just As I Always KNEW I Would Be.

It Happens To Us All At Some Point, Sure.

It’s Life.

It‘s LIVING Life.

My Moments Of Weakness And Horror Come To Me Like Flashes.

As Images.

Images A Person Should Never See.

No One.

The Thoughts Linger.

The Ill–Feelings They Cause Linger Longer.

Am I Having An Identity Crisis?

Whatever It Is, It‘s Hanging On Way Way WAY Tooo Long.

Talking To People Is Becoming More And MORE Difficult.

There Are A Couple Key People I‘d Love To Talk To.

They Just Don‘t Want To Talk To Me.

Sometimes, I Break Down And Simply MUST Talk To Someone.

Those Are The Moments When I‘m Feeling My Worst.

When I Know Something‘s Wrong Inside, And I Need To Make An Outside Connection Before I Snap.

I Feel The Worst, Though, When I Do Have To Ask For Help.

But, At The Point I Start Talking, I‘m Already Scraping The Bottom Of The Barrel For The Oxygen I Need To Survive.

I Am.

It Gets Hard To Breathe.

I Start Feeling Sorry For Myself.

I Lose Personal Control.

I Become Someone Else.

Someone I Truly Am NOT.

A Whining…

…Crying…

…Sniveling…

…Used–To–Be.

I Know I’m Only 30‘ish‘ish.

Some Attempt To Push Upon Me That I‘m Still Far Too Young To Deal With Shit As I Do.

But, Everyone‘s Different…

…Correct???

Everyone‘s Got Their Own Stopping And Starting Point.

Their Own Breaking Point.

I Guess Mine Was Just A Bit Earlier In Life Than Some Others.

I Know I Don‘t Have It That Bad.

It‘s Not Like Someone Close To Me Has Died, Or Is Dying.

It‘s Simply The Past.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Beat.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Escape From.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Come To Terms With.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Let Go Of And Move On From.

And It‘s Destroying My Present.

I Guess Some Of This Is Normal, Right?

Thinking Of It All Has Just Brought Me Down So Much.

I Just Feel Very Alone, At Times.

But, I Do Understand That Life Could Be Much Worse.

Sadly…

…My Once Remarked–Upon Eyes Are Heavy, Dark, And Tired.

My Hopeful Outlook Has Turned Bleak.

Yet, Despite It All, I Survive.

MAYBE It All Has Made Me Stronger In Some Ways?

But, At What Personal Cost?

With Age And Experience Has Also Come Fear…

…Hate…

…Despair.

Where I Once Felt Love, I Now Feel Bitterness.

Where I Once Felt Alive, I Now Feel Drained.

Where I Once Cared About Life, I Now Resent It.

So Sad, Yet, So True.

It Just Pisses Me Off To No Extent.

When Wonderful Memories Become Jaded With Time.

I Swear, It Literally Makes Me Sick.

What I Wouldn‘t Give For A Moment‘s Peace.

A Clear Mind.

A Quiet Mind.

I Know I Have Some Amazing Moments Stored In My Brain–Case.

I‘ve Just Become To Bitter To See Them.

*** ***

PLEASE, My Peeps…

…Don‘t Be Alarmed By Anything I‘ve Said.

It‘s Just A Downer Moment For Me, And I‘m Allowing You To Experience It With Me.

I Guess I Just Wanted To Vent A Bit, As I Often Do When I Get Like This.

As I‘ve Said To Y‘all Before…

…Sometimes, It‘s Not Just The BEST Therapy…

…It‘s The ONLY Therapy.

Right???

RIGHT!!!—

Why Can’t I Stop Listening To -“I AM…I SAID” by NEIL DIAMOND (1971)- ???

/\

/  \

***

“…But I’ve Got An Emptiness Deep Inside…

…And I’ve Tried…

…But It Won’t Let Me Go…

…And I’m Not A Man Who Likes To Swear…

…But I Never Cared For The Sound Of Being Alone…”

… …

Neil Diamond

… …

“…I Am, I Said…

…To No One There…

…And No One Heard At All…

…Not Even The Chair…

…I Am, I Cried…

…I Am, Said I…

…And I Am Lost…

…And I Can’t Even Say Why. …”

-<{*******}>-

-<{****}>-

-<{*}>-

\/

Yeah.

It’s Turned Into One Of THOSE Nights.

Restless.

Sleepless.

Depressingly Depressing.

I Mean, Come On…

…When Do YOU Break-Out The Ole…

NEIL DIAMOND

?!?!?

This Is The Only Song Of His On My Player…

…And I Never Listen To It…

…Unless I’m Having A Little Personal Pity Party For Me, Personally.

I Love This Song.

“I AM…I SAID“

…Has Always Been My Favorite Track Of His.

Period.

The Lyrics Always Spoke To Me A Tad.

Guess I’ve Been Kinda Depressing.

But When I Get The Blues…

…I Tend To Listen To Sad Songs.

What?!

You Do It, Also!!!

You KNOW You Do!!!

Don’t You Dare Try And Lie To Me!!!

Sheesh.

Some Peeps, Eh?!

(*shakes head in a disappointing manner*)

Now I Suppose I’m Gonna Be Taking Shit From You Just Because I Broke-Down And Broke-Out Ole NEAL, Eh?!

Typical.

He Has That Effect On Some Peeps, My Peeps.

I Suppose I Can’t Hold It Against You.

I Could TRY To Do So…

…But Doubt I’d Get Very Far With it.

So I’ll Just Shut-Up.

It’s Not Something I Do Easily.

Well…

…Unless I’m Around People I Don’t Know, Nor Want To Speak With.

In Moments Of That Type…

…I’m Like A Younger, Taller,  Better-Looking Version Of…

CALVIN COOLIDGE

🙂

If You Get That Quip…

…I’m Proud Of You For Paying Attention In Class.

😀

If You Didn’t Get It…

…Hmm…

…You Probably Just Didn’t Give A Shit In The First Place.

😉

See!

Come In Here To Vent With Y’all A Touch…

…And BLAMMO…

…I Crack A Smile In The Really Real World!

This Is The Really Real World, Isn’t It?!

This Isn’t Russia, Is It?

Is This Russia?!

This Isn’t Russia.

Glad We Got That Straight.

Was Worried For A Minute…

…Or Two…

…Or The Last Two-Hours.

Or Whatever.

😉

Maybe I Should Try Laying Down Again?

Ya Think?!

Alright, Kids.

I’m Takin’ Your Advice.

Just Don’t Wake Me Until The Sun’s Up.

Fat Chance, But I Can Hope…

…Right?!?

RIGHT!!!

😉     😀     🙂

Friends… Bloggers… Countrypersons… Lend Me Your Reading-Glasses!

As Some Of You May Have Noticed…

…I’ve Been In A Sort Of “Creative-Funk” Of Late.

I’ve Had So Much On My Mind…

…So SO Much, In-Fact…

…That I Sincerely Feel My Blog Has Been Suffering For It.

I’ve Felt Kinda Lost.

I’ve Felt Kinda Overwhelmed.

I’ve Felt I Could/Should Be Doing More.

So SO Much More.

It’s October…

…Which Is Usually My Favorite Month Of The Year…

…And I’ve Spent The Bulk Of It Depressed As Shit.

I’m Not Sure What To Make Of It.

I Mean…

…Yeah, I Know I’ve Had Some Dental Issues That Have Curbed My Little Joy-Ride Several Times…

…And I’ve Been Dealing With A Horrid Bout Of Loneliness…

…But Neither Of Those Are Quality Excuses.

Right Now…

…At This Moment In Time…

…I’m Also Dealing With The Reality That My Cat…

“MISSY“

(aka “MYSTIQUE“)

…Is Nearing Death.

She’s Been Very Sick For A Couple Weeks…

…And There’s Really Nothing I, Nor Anyone Else, Can Do For Her.

She’s Stopped Eating, Now.

Her Systems Are Shutting-Down.

She Just Wants To Lay Down, Anymore.

She’s Lost Her Will To Live, Or So It Seems, But I Can’t Bring Myself To Have Her Simply “Put-Down” As The Vet Would Say.

I’ve Never Been As Attached To Any Pet As I Have Been Toward Her…

…So That I Do Know Has Added To This “Funk” I’m In.

Things Are Just Starting To Snowball.

My Hair Is Long, Now.

Longer Than It’s Ever Been.

I’m About Halfway Into Having A Full Beard Again.

As Grandma Would Say, I Look Like A “Ragamuffin” Or Something To That Effect.

I Can’t Go On My Mind-Clearing-Walks Because My Feet Have Dried-Out And Split-Open On The Bottoms In Multiple Places (F-in OUCH!).

My Mouth Hurts…

…And There Are More Dental Appointments On The Horizon.

Years And Years Of Puking-My-Guts-Up On A Daily Basis Has Simply DESTROYED My Teeth.

They’re Weak.

They’re Brittle.

They Break Like It’s Nobody’s Business.

They Make Me Horridly Self-Conscious.

Especially In This Day And Age Where Everyone Strives For That Perfect Smile…

…Ya Know…

…The One I Used To Have.

I Really Could Go On And On, But I’ll Digress From That Point.

PUT THIS…

…ALL OF THIS…

…TOGETHER…

…And It Works-Out To A Simple Answer:

October Is Now My LEAST Favorite Month.

Period.

At Least…

…This October Is.

Perhaps Next Year Will Be Better.

I Sincerely Doubt It Will Be Better…

…But That Doesn’t Mean I’m Not HOPING It’ll Be Better.

I Just Need To Find A Way To Snap-Out-Of-It Somehow.

Ya Know Ya Know, My Peeps?!?

I Just Haven’t Yet Figured-Out The SOMEHOW Part.

I Just Know I Have To Have My “A”-Game Grooving By This Time Next Week.

I’m Taking A Weekend Trip To Chicago, Next Weekend.

My BFF Lives There…

…And I Haven’t Seen Him For Nearly THREE (3) Years.

His Brother…

…My Other BFF…

…Is Picking Me Up Friday, And We’re Making The Drive.

I’m Super Stoked About That…

…Though I Admit The Bulk Of My Excitement Is Buried Deep Down Inside Me.

You Know Me…

…It’s Not Easy For Me To Outwardly Show My True Emotional States.

But I DO Promise Y’all I’m Looking Forward To The Trip With Anxious-Anticipation.

I Just Don’t Want To Show-Up On His Doorstep In A Severely Depressed State Of Heart And Mind.

ANYWAY…

…I Think I’m Going To Shut-Up, Now.

No One Likes Reading A Blog Where The Author Just Sits About And Rambles On About His Pathetic-Excuse For A Life.

So I’ll End My Ramble.

Just Please Please PLEASE, My Peeps, Take Good Care Of Yourselves…

…And Take Good Care Of Each-Other.

I’m Sure I’ll Be Back To Ramble With Y’all Again.

Hopefully Very Soon.

L8r L8r, Tater-Tots.

😐