Bradley Alan, this is Brad…

You really Really REALLY need to shutdown that lovely brain of yours.

Youre really Really REALLY driving me crazier than I thought possible.

There is way Way WAY tooooooo much going on in here right now.

Im getting tired.

Arent you???

Please???

ME/YOU

So... Are YOU Jivin Me -questionmark-

I Ran Across This Quotation Last Night…

And It Felt Very VERY Relevant To What I’ve Been Doing Of Late.

The Man Who Writes About Himself AND His Own Time Is The Only Man Who Writes About All People AND About All Time.”

GEORGE BERNARD SHAW

I May Not See It Exactly As SHAW Had, But I Get The Gist Of What He Was Saying.

I Write About Myself, Mainly, Because I’m What I Know.

A Person MUST Write What They Know, And I’m The One Subject I Know The Best.

Sometimes, I Wish I Didn’t Know Myself So Well.

Sometimes, I Wish I Could Just Turn It All Off.

As Kids, My Brother Had A Standing Order For Xmas Or Birthday Gifts.

He Wanted ARemote Controlled BradleySo He CouldTurn Him Off!!!

😦

I’m Not Even Joking There, My Peeps.

That’s Exactly What He Wanted.

People Have Wanted To Turn Me Off The Bulk Of My Life.

It Comes With The Territory.

It Goes HandNHand With Mental Illness.

No One Knows How To Fix You

Yet Everyone Wants To.

Even Little Brothers.

So, What Can I Say Toward That?

Honestly, Not Much.

I Do Wish I Had An Off-Switch.

It Would Have Come In Handy Many, Many Times.

But, Alas, I Do Not.

So, Now What?!

Help Me Here, My Peeps.

What’s Up?

What’s The Story?

What’s The Scoop??

What Can I Do???

It’s Just A Bit After 5AM

Yet, Here I Sit…

Talking To Y’all

Wishing I Had More To Honestly Say.

Everything I Want To Say, I Can’t.

Everything I Want To Do, I Can’t.

So, Where Does That Leave Us?

If You Said Right Back Where We Started You’d Be Very Much Correct.

I’m Tired.

I Feel Used-Up.

I Feel Worn-Out.

Maybe I Should Try Going Back To Bed?

Well, I Would If I Knew It Would Be A Positive.

But, It Wouldn’t Be.

It’d Just Be More Of The Same.

Tossing.

Turning.

BlanklyStaring.

I Just Don’t Know, My Peeps.

I Sincerely Don’t Know.

I Do Know I Don’t Write For All People

Nor For All Time.

I’m Just Here.

I’m Just Me.

I’m Just Writing What Feels Right.

Even Though, Sometimes, It’s Very VERY Wrong.

I Hate My Brain.

I Hate My Heart.

I Hate Everything About Myself.

Why?

Because, I Don’t Function Properly.

I Can Be The Nicest, Most Charming Person Around.

And, Then, In The Same Breath, I Can Be Malicious.

I Can Be Cruel.

I Can Be Evil.

Life’s Funny That Way, I Suppose.

Is It Funny I Find That Funny?

Is It Wrong?

Is It In Bad-Taste?

I Just Don’t Know.

I Do Know It’s Time To End This Ramble.

I’m Just Not Feeling It.

I StartedOut Shaky On The Subject

And I Remain So.

So, I’ll Just Shut-Up.

Perhaps Later I’ll Be More Able To Convey My Thoughts And Feelings.

Right Now

Both MY MIND And MY HEART Are In A Very Dark Place.

Trying To Work When I’m Like This Is Generally A Bad Thing.

Nothing Good Has Ever Come Of It

And I Don’t See Any Good Coming Anytime Soon.

Perhaps Later?

Perhaps.

So... Are YOU Jivin Me -questionmark-

We Haven’t Talked Much Of Late. That’s Probably My Fault. Oops.

MY BAD, My Peeps.

MY BAD.

Just So I Get This Out Of The Way With Y’all…

…I Feel Horrid.

I Slept About 6-Hours This Afternoon/Evening.

I Didn’t Mean To.

I Kicked Back In The Comfy Chair…

…Closed My Eyes…

…And The Next Thing I Know I’m Waking Up Late Late Late.

Talk About A Real Pisser.

One Would Think Getting Plenty Of Sleep Would Make Me Feel Better.

Nope.

Not. At. All.

If Anything…

…I Feel Worse.

Such Is Life, I Suppose.

Think/Feel You’re Doing The Best Thing For Yourself…

…And Come To Find-Out, It Wasn’t.

Sounds Like The Story Of My Life.

Sounds Like The Story Of Many MANY Lives.

I Wish I Could Get Back To Sleep…

…But I Know That’s An Impossibility.

I Also Know I Won’t Sleep For Shit Tonight, Nor Will I Be Able To Sleep-In.

It’ll Be Another LATE NIGHT And EARLY MORNING.

😦

Par For The Course, I Suppose.

Sooooo…

…I’ll Likely Be Watching Documentaries All Night Long.

I Do So Love Them.

Calming.

Soothing.

Educational.

Time-Consuming.

All The Things I Count On When Watching A Quality Doc.

I Just Wish I Weren’t So Lethargic, Tonight.

I’m Draggin’ Ass, If You Must Know.

And Yet, I’m In No Way Tired Enough To Sleep.

Typical, Eh?

Typical, Indeed.

So, What Is One To Do?

Is This A Suck It Up And Deal With It Moment???

That’s How It Feels.

Right OR Wrong…

…That’s How It Feels.

I Think It’s Time To Attempt Something.

Rest?

Relaxation?

Doesn’t Matter.

Just So Long As I Get Some Sleep.

Or…

…Well…

…MORE Sleep.

Perhaps This Sleep Will Honestly Be Restful.

The Sleep I Got Earlier Just Made Me More More MORE Sleepy.

Such Is Life, I Say.

Such Is Life.

I Had So Much More Planned For This Post, Yet My Eyes Are Tired, Heavy, Stinging.

One Day, I’ll Get My Sleep/Wake Cycle Worked-Out.

One Day.

So... Are YOU Jivin Me -questionmark-

Well, Again, Here I Am. But Do I Bring Anything New To The Table???

The Likely Answer Is NO.

Nothing New Has Happened.

Nothing New Ever Happens That’s Honestly Worth Mentioning.

Just Wide Awake At This Ungodly Hour.

One Would Think I’d Be Used To It By Now.

Sadly…

(...Or Not So Sadly...)

…I’m Not Used To It.

Never Have Been.

Never Will Be.

I Just Wanted To Apologize, My Peeps.

Apologize For My Recent Behavior.

I May Be A Dweller, Yes…

…But That Doesn’t Mean I Have To Take It Out Here.

Out In The Open, As I Have.

A Love Life…

(...Or Lack Of One...)

…Should Always Be Handled In A Much More Private Manner.

I Haven’t Done As Such.

I’ve Made My Issues Public.

But I’m A Writer.

Writers Write.

I So Express Myself Better In This Way.

Always Have.

When It Comes To Talking, I Generally Stay Quiet.

Generally.

I Fumble My Words, Otherwise.

At Least This Way I Have More Control.

Or, At Least, I Feel I Do.

… …

I’ve Talked Recently Of Wanting.

Of Needing.

Things I Must Have.

Things I Wish I Had.

Things I Know I’ll Never Ever Never Ever Ever Possess.

And What Good Has Come From Any Of It?

Not A Goddamn Bit, That’s What.

I Just Feel Like Me.

Feeling More Isolated.

Feeling More Alone.

Feeling More Hopeless.

Feeling More Helpless.

I Just Don’t Know, My Peeps.

I Don’t Know What To Do.

I Don’t Know What To Say.

I Don’t Know What To Write.

It’s Not Like There’s A Lack Of Material.

Oh, Heavens No.

I Could Write And Write, Seemingly Forever, If I So Chose.

But I Don’t.

And So…

…I Don’t.

I Suppose I’m Just Hopping With Anticipation.

I Want To Know What’s Wrong With Me.

I Want To Really REALLY Know.

The Coming MRI Seems To Be My Best Bet For Finding Any Answers.

The Problem I’m Having Is…

What Do I Do If They Don’t Find What They’re Looking For?

Do I Just Carry On…

…Happy The Test Says I’m Healthy?

To ME…

…That Would Seem Like A Failure.

Like A Waste Of Time, Effort, Money, Resources, Etc Etc.

I’m Not Saying I Want Them To Find Something.

I’m Saying I Hope It Tells Them What They Want To Know.

Because If It Doesn’t, I’m Totally Up-Shit-Creek.

I’m Tired.

I’m So Very Tired.

I Wish I Could Sleep.

Anticipation Is Amazingly Wonderful, Sometimes.

Other Times, It’s Just A Big Ole Bitch.

And I Still Have Two More Days To Wait.

Two More Days Of Anticipation.

Two More Days Of Deeply Seeded Want.

I Must Have This Test.

I Sincerely NEED This Test.

I Suppose I’m Just Scared.

That’s The Best Answer I Can Come Up With, At The Moment.

There’s Nothing Wrong With Being Scared…

…It Just Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Interfere With Day-T0-Day Existence.

It’s Too Powerful.

Fear.

But, What Am I Afraid Of?

I Wish I Knew.

Any Thoughts, My Peeps?

Perhaps I’m Just Scared They Really Wont Find What They’re Looking For?

?Β Β Β Β Β Β  ?Β Β Β Β Β Β  ?

I Suppose I’m Just Getting Tired Of Tests.

I’ve Had Plenty.

Undoubtedly…

…I’ll Have Plenty More With Time.

So…

…Here I Am.

Well…

…Here I Am AGAIN.

Do I Bring Anything New To The Table?

No.

Do I Further The Discussion?

No.

So What Do I Do?

I Sit Here.

I Write.

While Others Are Sleeping…

…Here I Am.

While Others Are Working…

…Here I Am.

While Others Are Out Having Fun…

…Here I Am.

And What Good Has Come From It?

Not A Goddamn Bit, That’s What.

This Is More Therapy Than Anything Else.

Writing Quiets My Mind.

It Allows Me To Center My Thoughts.

Even Though They May Come-Out As A Jumbled Mess…

…That’s Sincerely Not The Intention.

Surely Not.

Maybe I Just Need Sleep.

Trust Me, My Peeps…

…I Would If I Could.

I Surely Would.

But I Can’t.

So I’m Not.

Period.

so-are-you-jivin-me-questionmark.jpg

Why Can’t I Stop Listening To -“I AM…I SAID” by NEIL DIAMOND (1971)- ???

/\

/Β  \

***

“…But I’ve Got An Emptiness Deep Inside

And I’ve Tried

But It Won’t Let Me Go

And I’m Not A Man Who Likes To Swear

But I Never Cared For The Sound Of Being Alone…”

… …

Neil Diamond

… …

“…I Am, I Said

To No One There

And No One Heard At All

Not Even The Chair

I Am, I Cried

I Am, Said I

And I Am Lost

And I Can’t Even Say Why. …”

-<{*******}>-

-<{****}>-

-<{*}>-

\/

Yeah.

It’s Turned Into One Of THOSE Nights.

Restless.

Sleepless.

Depressingly Depressing.

I Mean, Come On…

…When Do YOU Break-Out The Ole…

NEIL DIAMOND

?!?!?

This Is The Only Song Of His On My Player…

…And I Never Listen To It…

…Unless I’m Having A Little Personal Pity Party For Me, Personally.

I Love This Song.

I AM…I SAID

…Has Always Been My Favorite Track Of His.

Period.

The Lyrics Always Spoke To Me A Tad.

Guess I’ve Been Kinda Depressing.

But When I Get The Blues…

…I Tend To Listen To Sad Songs.

What?!

You Do It, Also!!!

You KNOW You Do!!!

Don’t You Dare Try And Lie To Me!!!

Sheesh.

Some Peeps, Eh?!

(*shakes head in a disappointing manner*)

Now I Suppose I’m Gonna Be Taking Shit From You Just Because I Broke-Down And Broke-Out Ole NEAL, Eh?!

Typical.

He Has That Effect On Some Peeps, My Peeps.

I Suppose I Can’t Hold It Against You.

I Could TRY To Do So…

…But Doubt I’d Get Very Far With it.

So I’ll Just Shut-Up.

It’s Not Something I Do Easily.

Well…

…Unless I’m Around People I Don’t Know, Nor Want To Speak With.

In Moments Of That Type…

…I’m Like A Younger, Taller,Β  Better-Looking Version Of…

CALVIN COOLIDGE

πŸ™‚

If You Get That Quip…

…I’m Proud Of You For Paying Attention In Class.

πŸ˜€

If You Didn’t Get It…

…Hmm…

…You Probably Just Didn’t Give A Shit In The First Place.

πŸ˜‰

See!

Come In Here To Vent With Y’all A Touch…

…And BLAMMO…

…I Crack A Smile In The Really Real World!

This Is The Really Real World, Isn’t It?!

This Isn’t Russia, Is It?

Is This Russia?!

This Isn’t Russia.

Glad We Got That Straight.

Was Worried For A Minute…

…Or Two…

…Or The Last Two-Hours.

Or Whatever.

πŸ˜‰

Maybe I Should Try Laying Down Again?

Ya Think?!

Alright, Kids.

I’m Takin’ Your Advice.

Just Don’t Wake Me Until The Sun’s Up.

Fat Chance, But I Can Hope…

Right?!?

RIGHT!!!

πŸ˜‰Β Β Β Β  πŸ˜€Β Β Β Β  πŸ™‚

Pain + Pleasure = Nope, Still In Pain :(

Can Tuesday PLEASE Hurry The Hell Up?!

Sheesh.

It’s Very VERY True What They Say About Time.

It Always Seems To Take Its Sweet-Ass-Self When We Really Need It To Hurry The Hell Up, Ya Know?!

It’s Like…

…I Know Time Is A Constant In Our World…

…But It Just Seems To Be Dragging Its Ass This Weekend.

It’s Just Because I Dislike Physical Pain/Discomfort.

The Meds Help A Bundle, Sure Sure…

…But They Don’t Help Enough For Me To Simply Say…

Eh, Let Time Take Its Time. I Don’t Mind.

Quite The Contrary.

I Desperately NEED Time To Hurry The Hell Up.

GRRR!!!

😦

As A Human…

…There Are Certain Types Of Pain I ALSO Consider To Be A Bit Of A Pleasure.

I Won’t Get Into The Gory Details…

…But Y’all Know I’m Right.

Alas, Broken-Tooth-Pain Is NOT One Of Those Pleasurable Pains.

It’s Almost Maddening, Honestly.

I’m A Big Girl’s Blouse When It Comes To Pain Like This.

BUT…

…I Did Spend The Bulk Of My Sunday Asleep.

Thanks To The Meds, Sleeping Was All I Really Wanted To Do.

When In Pain…

…SLEEP Can OFTEN Be THE BEST Remedy.

Period.

Am I Right, Or Am I Right?!

EXACTLY!!

I Know I’m Right.

You Know I’m Right.

WE ALL Know I’m Right.

πŸ˜‰

The Meds Are Kicking My Butt As We Speak.

I Woke-Up At 4:54AM…

…And I’m Already Ready To Go Back To Bed.

HOWEVER…

…I Do NOT Plan To Spend The Entire Day Sleeping.

I Have A Bundle Of Little Projects I Simply MUST Work On.

Let’s Just Hope Today Goes Swimmingly Well.

I Doubt It Will…

…But There Ain’t Nothin’ Wrong With A Little Hopin’…

…Ya Know Ya Know?!

SURE YOU DO!!

So…

…I Just Wanna Say THANK YOU, My Peeps.

THANK YOU For All The Kind Words AND Your Heartfelt Sympathies.

Just Gotta Get Through Today.

Tomorrow SHOULD Be A Much Better Day.

SHOULD Being The Key Word There.

I’ve Got My Fingers Crossed!

I Hope You Do, Also!

πŸ™‚

I Shall Be Hollering At Y’all Throughout The Day, Kiddies.

Until Then…

PEACE And HUMPTY-NESS FO EVA!!!

πŸ˜‰

πŸ˜€