When Remembering Turns To Dwelling Turns To Suffering…

…You Know You‘re Fu*ked.

—At This Moment, I‘m Writing Just To Watch Myself Write.

I‘ve Slept Less Than 35–Hours In The Past 10–Nights COMBINED.

I‘m Irritable.

I‘m Sullen And Moody.

I‘ve Lost 15–LBS In That 10–Day Span.

I Don‘t Understand Why I Let Myself Get This Depressed.

I Know I Do It To Myself.

It‘s My Own Fault.

But, I‘M Not My Own Fault.

I Know That.

I Never Have Been.

I Was Created And Shaped By Events In My Life That Have Seriously Fu*ked-Me–Up.

Why Can‘t I Shake This?

Why Does The Past Still Cling To Me Like The Stench Of Death?

It Haunts My Day–To–Day Existence.

I Know Why.

BECAUSE I LET IT.

Period.

MY BAD.

It‘s These Memories.

I Can‘t Handle Them As Well As I‘d Like To.

As Well As I SHOULD.

It‘s Honestly Maddening.

It‘s Hard.

It‘s So Very VERY Hard.

I Go From Day To Day Seeing No Benefit From It All.

I‘ve…

…Sheesh…

…I‘ve Become My Own Worst Enemy.

Just As I Was Always TOLD I Would Be.

Just As I Always KNEW I Would Be.

It Happens To Us All At Some Point, Sure.

It’s Life.

It‘s LIVING Life.

My Moments Of Weakness And Horror Come To Me Like Flashes.

As Images.

Images A Person Should Never See.

No One.

The Thoughts Linger.

The Ill–Feelings They Cause Linger Longer.

Am I Having An Identity Crisis?

Whatever It Is, It‘s Hanging On Way Way WAY Tooo Long.

Talking To People Is Becoming More And MORE Difficult.

There Are A Couple Key People I‘d Love To Talk To.

They Just Don‘t Want To Talk To Me.

Sometimes, I Break Down And Simply MUST Talk To Someone.

Those Are The Moments When I‘m Feeling My Worst.

When I Know Something‘s Wrong Inside, And I Need To Make An Outside Connection Before I Snap.

I Feel The Worst, Though, When I Do Have To Ask For Help.

But, At The Point I Start Talking, I‘m Already Scraping The Bottom Of The Barrel For The Oxygen I Need To Survive.

I Am.

It Gets Hard To Breathe.

I Start Feeling Sorry For Myself.

I Lose Personal Control.

I Become Someone Else.

Someone I Truly Am NOT.

A Whining…

…Crying…

…Sniveling…

…Used–To–Be.

I Know I’m Only 30‘ish‘ish.

Some Attempt To Push Upon Me That I‘m Still Far Too Young To Deal With Shit As I Do.

But, Everyone‘s Different…

…Correct???

Everyone‘s Got Their Own Stopping And Starting Point.

Their Own Breaking Point.

I Guess Mine Was Just A Bit Earlier In Life Than Some Others.

I Know I Don‘t Have It That Bad.

It‘s Not Like Someone Close To Me Has Died, Or Is Dying.

It‘s Simply The Past.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Beat.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Escape From.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Come To Terms With.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Let Go Of And Move On From.

And It‘s Destroying My Present.

I Guess Some Of This Is Normal, Right?

Thinking Of It All Has Just Brought Me Down So Much.

I Just Feel Very Alone, At Times.

But, I Do Understand That Life Could Be Much Worse.

Sadly…

…My Once Remarked–Upon Eyes Are Heavy, Dark, And Tired.

My Hopeful Outlook Has Turned Bleak.

Yet, Despite It All, I Survive.

MAYBE It All Has Made Me Stronger In Some Ways?

But, At What Personal Cost?

With Age And Experience Has Also Come Fear…

…Hate…

…Despair.

Where I Once Felt Love, I Now Feel Bitterness.

Where I Once Felt Alive, I Now Feel Drained.

Where I Once Cared About Life, I Now Resent It.

So Sad, Yet, So True.

It Just Pisses Me Off To No Extent.

When Wonderful Memories Become Jaded With Time.

I Swear, It Literally Makes Me Sick.

What I Wouldn‘t Give For A Moment‘s Peace.

A Clear Mind.

A Quiet Mind.

I Know I Have Some Amazing Moments Stored In My Brain–Case.

I‘ve Just Become To Bitter To See Them.

*** ***

PLEASE, My Peeps…

…Don‘t Be Alarmed By Anything I‘ve Said.

It‘s Just A Downer Moment For Me, And I‘m Allowing You To Experience It With Me.

I Guess I Just Wanted To Vent A Bit, As I Often Do When I Get Like This.

As I‘ve Said To Y‘all Before…

…Sometimes, It‘s Not Just The BEST Therapy…

…It‘s The ONLY Therapy.

Right???

RIGHT!!!—

The Song Stuck In My Head??? “I Should Have Learned This Lesson Long Ago… …That Friends And Lovers Always Come And Go…” –QUARTERFLASH’s “FIND ANOTHER FOOL” (1981)

“FIND ANOTHER FOOL” Is A Hot HOT Jam From QUARTERFLASH‘s Self-Titled 1981 Debut Album !!!

*

***

///\\\

“…Now You Claim…

…That Everything‘s Okay…

…Well, I‘ve Got Just One Thing To Say…

…Why Don‘t You…

…Find Another…

((Find Another!))

…FIND ANOTHER FOOL To Love You…

…Find Another…

((Find Another!))

…FIND ANOTHER FOOL To Love You…

…Find Another…

…Find Another…

…FIND ANOTHER FOOL To Love You…

…Too Love You…

…Find Another. …”

\\\///

***

*

Alright, My Peeps…

…Let Me Quickly Say, I Don’t Just Listen To This Song…

“FIND ANOTHER FOOL“

by QUARTERFLASH

…When Someone Has Treated Me Foolishly And I Wanna Vent.

No.

I Also Listen To This Song When I’m Dwelling Upon MY Foolishness.

We’ve All Been Foolish In Matters Of Love At One Point Or Another.

Most Especially In Matters Of Love, Honestly.

In Fact…

…It’s In Matters Of Love Where I’ve Suffered Through Many MANY Bad Experiences In My 30’ish’ish Years.

And, I’ve Done So ((ALMOST)) Totally Because Of MY Personal Foolishness.

Then Again, Isn’t That Generally How It Goes?

Is That How It Always Goes For You?

How About You??

And You, There, In The Back???

Yes, And YOU, Also?!?!?

Yeah.

That’s Kinda What I’d Figured.

Our Favorite Game As Human-Being’s Is LOVE.

Always Has Been.

Some Will Quip, “It‘s Not A Game!”

To Those People, I Say “Good On Ya.”

I Also Say, “If You Don‘t Think It’s A Game, Then You‘ve Likely Been Hurt, Or Have Hurt Someone Else, While Playing And You Are/Were Pissed About It.”

To Be Honest, My Peeps, I Don’t Know What Else To Call LOVE.

It’s Always Felt Like A Game.

It Has Losers.

It Has Winners.

It Has First Time Players.

It Has Umpteenth Time Players.

It Has Unskilled Players.

It Has Highly Skilled Players.

It Has The Sheer Bliss Of A Solid Victory.

It Has The Horrid Dejection Of A Terrible Loss.

In Short…

…If It Ain’t A Game…

…What Is It?!?

That’s A Question I Sincerely Struggle With.

Honestly, As I Said, I Don’t Know What Else To Call It.

I Was Hoping To Get A Hand From Y’all, In That Regard.

That’s What We’re Here For, Correct?!

A Learning Experience.

I Know That’s A Big Reason I’m Here.

It’s Not The Only Reason, But It’s An Important One.

Fo Sho???

FO SHO!!!

😉          😀

LOVE, Whether A Thought OR A Feeling, Perpetuates Foolishness.

We Do So Many Foolish Things Whilst Playing Along.

We Do Things.

Things We Either WANT Or DON’T WANT To Do, All Because Of What We Feel, Or Think We Feel, For Someone, Or Something, Else.

Y’all Know I’m Not Slippin’ You Any Jive.

I’m Callin’ It Like It Is.

The Problem With This Wondrous, Beautiful, Vile, Evil, Amazing Thing We Call Love Is This:

“How Do We Know When We‘re Playing, And How Do We Know When We‘re Being Played???”

Yeah.

Exactly My Point, My Peeps.

Honestly, You Don’t Know.

You Don’t Know Until Something Eventful Happens.

“He Said YES!” 😀

“He Said NO!” 😦

“He Said MAYBE SO!” 😐

Any Way It Goes, You Never Know Until Something Happens.

You Never Know Until The Proof Is There.

You Never Know Until It’s Tangible.

And, Even Then, Do You Really Know?

You Think You Do.

Is That Enough?

Sometimes, That Has To Be Enough.

Sometimes, That’s All We Really Have.

Right???

RIGHT!!!

My Advice?

You Kids Just Be Good.

Play Nice.

Try Not To Hurt Anyone, Especially Yourself.

Try Not To Do Anything Toooooooooo Foolish, Ya Hear Me?!?

Now, Go Get ‘Em, Tiger!!!

Good Game… …Good Game.

Me & “Mr. Negative” Over Here…

…Wanted To Apologize For All The Negativity I’ve Spewed Of Late, My Peeps.

When Things Start Going Wrong For A Person, They Usually Do So In Rather LARGE Clumps.

Yes…

…Some Have Said I’ve Been Waaaaay Too Harsh On Myself.

Maybe I Have.

Maybe I Haven’t.

Who’s To Say???

Exactly, My Peeps.

But, That’s Not My Current Point.

I’m Talking About My Negative Approach To…

…Ohhh…

…99.993% Of My Recent Life?!

(((Give Or Take A % Or Two.)))

That Part Is Totally MY BAD.

It Hasn’t Always Been That Way, As You’re Well Award.

I Can BE Negative.

I Am NOT Always This “MR. NEGATIVE” Creature.

Lately…

…”MR. NEGATIVE” Is All I’ve Been, Though.

It Hasn’t Mattered What It Was…

…Chances Are It PISSED ME OFF.

It’s For THAT, And Mainly That Alone, I’m Really Sorry.

I Can’t Be Sorry For What I Said.

They Were Honest Expressions Of The Moment’s Emotions.

I Can Regret Them…

…But I Can’t Truly Be Sorry For Them.

I Meant Them.

SO…

…What Have I Learned From This???

Well, I Hate Exterior Drama And How It Perpetuates Itself.

I Create Enough Drama For Myself.

I’m Evidence Of That.

Ain’t That A BIG FO SHO.

: /

It’s Just Life, Kids.

I Know You Understand My Jive.

It’s Not Set.

Sometimes, I Fu*k-It-Up.

You Do It.

YOU DO!

You Could Slow Life Down To The Millisecond, And You’d Still Find A Way To Fu*k-It-Up!

YOU WOULD!

That’s How Life Works.

Goin’ Good…

…Goin’ Good…

…Dammit…

…Goin’ Good…

…Goin’ Good…

…Dammit…

…Dammit…

…DAMMIT!

It Never Fails.

Since I Had The Option, I Blogged During My Issues.

Smart Idea?

???

The Jury Is Still Out On This One, Judge(s).

BUT, I Remain Hopeful.

😉

I Often Refer To My Blog As An Evolution.

It Is.

I’m Constantly Growing As A Blogger…

…And I Try To Learn More From BOTH My Successes AND My Failures.

Needless To Say…

(((Though I'm Going To Say It)))

…I’m Still Learning.

I’m Finding More And More Folks Seem To Care About My Work When I’m Cranking Out Quotes, Or I’m Discussing Personal Drama.

I’m Not Really Sure How To Take That.

Not YET, Anyway.

Doubt: How Would SHAKESPEARE Have Put It?!?

“Our Doubts Are Traitors, And Make Us Lose The Good We Oft Might Win By Fearing To Attempt.“

—WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

((1564–1616))

*** *** ***

Yep.

That’s How.

And, He’s Exceptionally Correct.

As Humans, It’s A Given That Doubts Will Exist In The Minds AND Hearts Of Us All At Some Point.

I Feel I’ve Missed Out On A Lot In My Life Because Of My Personal Doubts.

At Times, Yes, They’ve Been An Asset.

I Can’t Deny That, And I Won’t Even Begin Trying To Do So.

BUT…

…Most Of The Time, They’ve Been The Furthest Thing From An Asset.

Potential Jobs…

…Potential Money…

…Potential Friends…

…Potential Lovers…

…Potential Sexual-Encounters…

…Etc Etc Etc…

…All Washed Away Because Of Untimely Doubts.

It’s Happened So Often, In Fact, I Often Feel As If My Doubts In Life Have RULED Said Life.

I’m Not Saying Having Doubts Are A Bad Thing.

I’m Just Saying I’ve Had More Than My Fair Share.

Sadly, FAIR And LIFE Hardly EVER Jive TOGETHER.

I’m Not Me Being A “Negative Nancy” Or Anything Of The Sort.

It’s Simply A Life-Fact.

PERIOD.

It’s At Times Like These That I Sincerely Wish I Had Faith To Fall-Back-On.

I Know People Of Faith Have Doubts, They’re Simply Of A Different Type.

Those Folks Feel Their Faith Is Something Like A Shield.

They Live, As I Believe, In A World Of Ignorant Bliss.

Regardless Of What Happens In Their Collective Worlds…

…They Always Have Their Imagined Fall-Back-Position.

“The Lord Shall Provide.”

Nonsense Like That.

I Simply Can’t Do It.

Someone Mentions Faith To Me, And I Either Want To Laugh At Them…

…Or Punch Them In Their “Lordly Provided” Jaw.

I’m Not A Violent Man.

At Lest…

…Not Outwardly.

On The Inside?

Well…

…I’m Not Going To Get Into What Sort Of Man I Am On The Inside.

I Don’t Need To Say It.

You Don’t Need To Hear It.

If You’ve Read Me Long Enough, You Already Know.

If You’ve NOT Read Me For Very Long…

…Well…

…I’ll Just Use The Term “Overly Aggressive” And Leave It Lie There.

My Point, Is That I Am Both Repulsed By Them…

…Just As I Am Envious Of Them.

But, I’d Rather Be Wracked With Doubt Than To Be A Devout Follower Of An Unprovable (by any stretch of it) “Truth”.

My Life Has Had Its Ups AND Downs.

Just Like The Rest Of You.

Except, At The End Of The Day, I Don’t Feel The Lifting Of The Doubts I’ve Suffered.

Quite The Contrary.

I’m Riddled With Doubts.

My Mind Is A Torrent.

My Heart Is Heavy.

My Life Is A Shambles.

My World Doesn’t Appreciate Me.

I Simply Am.

I Am Me.

I’m Still Here Because My Life Has Had Brief Intermissions.

Red Flags.

Moments That Tell Me…

“Dude, This Isn’t A Good Idea.”

“Dude, Your Thinking Is Muddled.”

“Dude, Do You Really Want To Eat That Microwave Burrito?”

“Dude, How Can You Ever Have Faith In Something You’ve Never Believed To Begin With??”

“Dude, Did You Just Grab My Ass???”

They’re All The Same.

Ideas…

…Thinking…

…Burritos…

…Faith…

…Ass-Grabbing…

…They’re ALL The Same.

At Least, I Think Of Them In The Same Breath.

The Worst Doubt Of All, However, Is The Doubt Of Oneself.

Of That, I Am Most Assuredly Guilty.

Sadly…

…I Don’t See That Changing Anytime Soon.

Actually, I Don’t See That EVER Changing.

Once The Doubts Enter The Mind…

…Once The Doubts Make A Happy (or unhappy) Home For Themselves…

…Honestly…

…You’re Fu*ked.

One Doubt Begets Another, Begets Another, Begets Another.

It Becomes A Viscous Cycle.

It’s An Endless Circle.

It Hits Once…

…And Then Shortly Thereafter It Hits Again.

You Begin To Question AND Doubt EVERYTHING.

Who Are Really Your Friends?

Who Are Those That Truly Love You?

Who Are Those You Can Honestly, Truly Trust?

Who The Hell Are YOU?

Who The Hell Am I?

Sadly (yet again)…

…One Never Truly Knows.

One Can’t Truly Know.

One Has No F-in’ Clue What Truly Is In The Heart, Or Mind, Of Another.

We See What They Present To Us.

We See What We THINK We See.

But, Is Any Of It Truly, Truly Honest AND Correct AND Sincere?

I Don’t Know.

I Just Know I’m Doubtful.

Extremely Doubtful.

Who Else Got “LICENCE TO KILL” On The Blu-ray, On Good Ole Xmas Eve?! HA!! I WIN!!!

Timothy Dalton was James Bond –007– in 1989‘s “Licence To Kill“!!!

(What?)

((I DO!))

(((I WIN XMAS EVE!!)))

((((ME!!!))))

(((((DAMMIT! DALTON ROCKED!! ACCEPT IT!!!)))))

😀       😀       😀       😀       😀       😀       😀

Songs That Make Me Smile: “HOME” by DEPECHE MODE (1997)

“Here Is A Song…

…From The Wrong…

…Side Of Town…

…Where I’m Bound…

…To The Ground…

…By The Loneliest Sound…

…That Pounds From Within…

…And Is Pinning Me Down…“

**** **** ****

The 1997 Single Album For “HOME” By DEPECHE MODE !!!

**** **** ****

“…Here Is A Page…

…From The Emptiest Stage…

…A Cage…

…Or The Heaviest Cross…

…Ever Made…

…A Gauge…

…Of The Deadliest Trap Ever Laid…“

**** **** ****

“HOME” Is One Of The Best Tracks, Period, From DEPECHE MODE, And It’s Off Of Their Hit 1997 Album “ULTRA” !!!

**** **** ****

“…And I Thank You…

…For Bringing Me Here…

…For Showing Me HOME…

…For Singing These Tears…

…Finally…

…I’ve Found That I…

…Belong Here. …” 

**** **** **** ****

**** **** ****

**** ****

****

This Is One Time I’m Not Going To Say Much.

I’m Letting The Lyrics Speak For Themselves.

Yes, This Song…

“HOME“

by DEPECHE MODE

…Is One Of My All-Time Faves…

…And It Is One Of Their Very VERY Best…

…But Today I’m Simply Feeling Good About This Little Bloggin’ing World Of Ours.

I’ve Made Some Rather Exceptional Friends Within It…

…And I Do Feel As Though I Belong Here.

Thank You, My Peeps.

Thank You, Indeed.

Much Love To Y’all, Fo SHO!

😀