When Remembering Turns To Dwelling Turns To Suffering…

You Know Youre Fu*ked.

At This Moment, Im Writing Just To Watch Myself Write.

Ive Slept Less Than 35Hours In The Past 10Nights COMBINED.

Im Irritable.

Im Sullen And Moody.

Ive Lost 15LBS In That 10Day Span.

I Dont Understand Why I Let Myself Get This Depressed.

I Know I Do It To Myself.

Its My Own Fault.

But, IM Not My Own Fault.

I Know That.

I Never Have Been.

I Was Created And Shaped By Events In My Life That Have Seriously Fu*ked-MeUp.

Why Cant I Shake This?

Why Does The Past Still Cling To Me Like The Stench Of Death?

It Haunts My DayToDay Existence.

I Know Why.

BECAUSE I LET IT.

Period.

MY BAD.

Its These Memories.

I Cant Handle Them As Well As Id Like To.

As Well As I SHOULD.

Its Honestly Maddening.

Its Hard.

Its So Very VERY Hard.

I Go From Day To Day Seeing No Benefit From It All.

Ive…

Sheesh

Ive Become My Own Worst Enemy.

Just As I Was Always TOLD I Would Be.

Just As I Always KNEW I Would Be.

It Happens To Us All At Some Point, Sure.

It’s Life.

Its LIVING Life.

My Moments Of Weakness And Horror Come To Me Like Flashes.

As Images.

Images A Person Should Never See.

No One.

The Thoughts Linger.

The IllFeelings They Cause Linger Longer.

Am I Having An Identity Crisis?

Whatever It Is, Its Hanging On Way Way WAY Tooo Long.

Talking To People Is Becoming More And MORE Difficult.

There Are A Couple Key People Id Love To Talk To.

They Just Dont Want To Talk To Me.

Sometimes, I Break Down And Simply MUST Talk To Someone.

Those Are The Moments When Im Feeling My Worst.

When I Know Somethings Wrong Inside, And I Need To Make An Outside Connection Before I Snap.

I Feel The Worst, Though, When I Do Have To Ask For Help.

But, At The Point I Start Talking, Im Already Scraping The Bottom Of The Barrel For The Oxygen I Need To Survive.

I Am.

It Gets Hard To Breathe.

I Start Feeling Sorry For Myself.

I Lose Personal Control.

I Become Someone Else.

Someone I Truly Am NOT.

A Whining

Crying

Sniveling

UsedToBe.

I Know I’m Only 30ishish.

Some Attempt To Push Upon Me That Im Still Far Too Young To Deal With Shit As I Do.

But, Everyones Different

Correct???

Everyones Got Their Own Stopping And Starting Point.

Their Own Breaking Point.

I Guess Mine Was Just A Bit Earlier In Life Than Some Others.

I Know I Dont Have It That Bad.

Its Not Like Someone Close To Me Has Died, Or Is Dying.

Its Simply The Past.

A Past Ive Yet To Beat.

A Past Ive Yet To Escape From.

A Past Ive Yet To Come To Terms With.

A Past Ive Yet To Let Go Of And Move On From.

And Its Destroying My Present.

I Guess Some Of This Is Normal, Right?

Thinking Of It All Has Just Brought Me Down So Much.

I Just Feel Very Alone, At Times.

But, I Do Understand That Life Could Be Much Worse.

Sadly

My Once RemarkedUpon Eyes Are Heavy, Dark, And Tired.

My Hopeful Outlook Has Turned Bleak.

Yet, Despite It All, I Survive.

MAYBE It All Has Made Me Stronger In Some Ways?

But, At What Personal Cost?

With Age And Experience Has Also Come Fear

Hate

Despair.

Where I Once Felt Love, I Now Feel Bitterness.

Where I Once Felt Alive, I Now Feel Drained.

Where I Once Cared About Life, I Now Resent It.

So Sad, Yet, So True.

It Just Pisses Me Off To No Extent.

When Wonderful Memories Become Jaded With Time.

I Swear, It Literally Makes Me Sick.

What I Wouldnt Give For A Moments Peace.

A Clear Mind.

A Quiet Mind.

I Know I Have Some Amazing Moments Stored In My BrainCase.

Ive Just Become To Bitter To See Them.

*** ***

PLEASE, My Peeps

Dont Be Alarmed By Anything Ive Said.

Its Just A Downer Moment For Me, And Im Allowing You To Experience It With Me.

I Guess I Just Wanted To Vent A Bit, As I Often Do When I Get Like This.

As Ive Said To Yall Before

…Sometimes, Its Not Just The BEST Therapy

…Its The ONLY Therapy.

Right???

RIGHT!!!

So... Are YOU Jivin Me -questionmark-

I Ran Across This Quotation Last Night…

And It Felt Very VERY Relevant To What I’ve Been Doing Of Late.

The Man Who Writes About Himself AND His Own Time Is The Only Man Who Writes About All People AND About All Time.”

GEORGE BERNARD SHAW

I May Not See It Exactly As SHAW Had, But I Get The Gist Of What He Was Saying.

I Write About Myself, Mainly, Because I’m What I Know.

A Person MUST Write What They Know, And I’m The One Subject I Know The Best.

Sometimes, I Wish I Didn’t Know Myself So Well.

Sometimes, I Wish I Could Just Turn It All Off.

As Kids, My Brother Had A Standing Order For Xmas Or Birthday Gifts.

He Wanted ARemote Controlled BradleySo He CouldTurn Him Off!!!

😦

I’m Not Even Joking There, My Peeps.

That’s Exactly What He Wanted.

People Have Wanted To Turn Me Off The Bulk Of My Life.

It Comes With The Territory.

It Goes HandNHand With Mental Illness.

No One Knows How To Fix You

Yet Everyone Wants To.

Even Little Brothers.

So, What Can I Say Toward That?

Honestly, Not Much.

I Do Wish I Had An Off-Switch.

It Would Have Come In Handy Many, Many Times.

But, Alas, I Do Not.

So, Now What?!

Help Me Here, My Peeps.

What’s Up?

What’s The Story?

What’s The Scoop??

What Can I Do???

It’s Just A Bit After 5AM

Yet, Here I Sit…

Talking To Y’all

Wishing I Had More To Honestly Say.

Everything I Want To Say, I Can’t.

Everything I Want To Do, I Can’t.

So, Where Does That Leave Us?

If You Said Right Back Where We Started You’d Be Very Much Correct.

I’m Tired.

I Feel Used-Up.

I Feel Worn-Out.

Maybe I Should Try Going Back To Bed?

Well, I Would If I Knew It Would Be A Positive.

But, It Wouldn’t Be.

It’d Just Be More Of The Same.

Tossing.

Turning.

BlanklyStaring.

I Just Don’t Know, My Peeps.

I Sincerely Don’t Know.

I Do Know I Don’t Write For All People

Nor For All Time.

I’m Just Here.

I’m Just Me.

I’m Just Writing What Feels Right.

Even Though, Sometimes, It’s Very VERY Wrong.

I Hate My Brain.

I Hate My Heart.

I Hate Everything About Myself.

Why?

Because, I Don’t Function Properly.

I Can Be The Nicest, Most Charming Person Around.

And, Then, In The Same Breath, I Can Be Malicious.

I Can Be Cruel.

I Can Be Evil.

Life’s Funny That Way, I Suppose.

Is It Funny I Find That Funny?

Is It Wrong?

Is It In Bad-Taste?

I Just Don’t Know.

I Do Know It’s Time To End This Ramble.

I’m Just Not Feeling It.

I StartedOut Shaky On The Subject

And I Remain So.

So, I’ll Just Shut-Up.

Perhaps Later I’ll Be More Able To Convey My Thoughts And Feelings.

Right Now

Both MY MIND And MY HEART Are In A Very Dark Place.

Trying To Work When I’m Like This Is Generally A Bad Thing.

Nothing Good Has Ever Come Of It

And I Don’t See Any Good Coming Anytime Soon.

Perhaps Later?

Perhaps.

So... Are YOU Jivin Me -questionmark-

We Haven’t Talked Much Of Late. That’s Probably My Fault. Oops.

MY BAD, My Peeps.

MY BAD.

Just So I Get This Out Of The Way With Y’all…

…I Feel Horrid.

I Slept About 6-Hours This Afternoon/Evening.

I Didn’t Mean To.

I Kicked Back In The Comfy Chair…

…Closed My Eyes…

…And The Next Thing I Know I’m Waking Up Late Late Late.

Talk About A Real Pisser.

One Would Think Getting Plenty Of Sleep Would Make Me Feel Better.

Nope.

Not. At. All.

If Anything…

…I Feel Worse.

Such Is Life, I Suppose.

Think/Feel You’re Doing The Best Thing For Yourself…

…And Come To Find-Out, It Wasn’t.

Sounds Like The Story Of My Life.

Sounds Like The Story Of Many MANY Lives.

I Wish I Could Get Back To Sleep…

…But I Know That’s An Impossibility.

I Also Know I Won’t Sleep For Shit Tonight, Nor Will I Be Able To Sleep-In.

It’ll Be Another LATE NIGHT And EARLY MORNING.

😦

Par For The Course, I Suppose.

Sooooo…

…I’ll Likely Be Watching Documentaries All Night Long.

I Do So Love Them.

Calming.

Soothing.

Educational.

Time-Consuming.

All The Things I Count On When Watching A Quality Doc.

I Just Wish I Weren’t So Lethargic, Tonight.

I’m Draggin’ Ass, If You Must Know.

And Yet, I’m In No Way Tired Enough To Sleep.

Typical, Eh?

Typical, Indeed.

So, What Is One To Do?

Is This A Suck It Up And Deal With It Moment???

That’s How It Feels.

Right OR Wrong…

…That’s How It Feels.

I Think It’s Time To Attempt Something.

Rest?

Relaxation?

Doesn’t Matter.

Just So Long As I Get Some Sleep.

Or…

…Well…

…MORE Sleep.

Perhaps This Sleep Will Honestly Be Restful.

The Sleep I Got Earlier Just Made Me More More MORE Sleepy.

Such Is Life, I Say.

Such Is Life.

I Had So Much More Planned For This Post, Yet My Eyes Are Tired, Heavy, Stinging.

One Day, I’ll Get My Sleep/Wake Cycle Worked-Out.

One Day.

So... Are YOU Jivin Me -questionmark-

Can 10-(GRUELING)-Hours Of Psycho-Analysis Make A Person Feel Better? Maybe?!

So…

…My Peeps…

…I’m Unsure As To Why…

…But The Past Two Days Have Been Much Better For Me.

I’ve Felt A Little Bit Better About A Great Many Things.

I May Not Be Totally Over Anything…

…But I’m A Little More Over A Bundle Of Things…

…Which Is Just Like Shedding Something Rather Large And Suffocating.

I’ve Been In A Better Mood.

I’ve Been Feeling A Touch More Spring In The Ole Step.

And It’s All Been Since I Had My Psychological Evaluation.

I Went Into The Experience Obsessing Over It, And Dreading It.

The Experience Itself Was Horrible.

But These Past Two Days…

…As I’ve Said…

…Have Shown Me A Little Peace.

πŸ™‚

I Know It May Not Last…

…Though I Can Try To Make It Last As Long As Possible.

Y’all Already Know I’m A Damn Dandy Try-er-er, Fo SHO.

So MAYBE This Is A Good Thing.

Perhaps I’m Riding A Personal High For The First Time In A Long Time.

Maybe?!

I Believe It To Be Possible.

πŸ™‚

Now…

…Don’t Go Gettin’ All Excited.

It’s Just Two Days.

Hell, It’s Not Even A Full 48-Hours, Yet.

It’s Been About 39-Hours, Actually.

But I DO Feel Better.

And I AM In A Better Mood.

And I AM I AM Going To Do All I Can To Sustain It For As Long As I Can.

πŸ™‚

Will BRAD Be SUCCESSFUL?!

Will BRAD Figure It ALL Out?!

Does BRAD Need MORE Coffee?!

Maybe?!

Maybe!?!

MAYBE!?!?!

How Will You Know?!

Hmm.

Guess You’ll Have To Tune-In.

Same BRAD-Time.

Same BRAD-Channel.

(hehehe I Just Love Sayin' That!)

πŸ˜€

I Do Promise Further Updates In The Coming Days.

I Know A Few Of You Are Keeping Up-To-Date With Me On This…

…So I Won’t Leave You Hangin’.

At Least…

…I Won’t Leave You Hangin’ FOREVER.

It’s Just Nice To Be Feeling Like I Would Prefer To Feel…

…VS…

…How I Always Feel.

See…

…I Can Feel Empathy.

So What If It’s Toward Myself?!

It Still Counts, Doesn’t It?!

DOESN’T IT?!?!

Maybe?!

πŸ˜‰

πŸ˜€

“…I Woke Up This Morning With The Sundown… Shinin’ In…” — KENNY ROGERS And THE FIRST EDITION (“Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In)” (1968))

…I Found My Mind In A Brown Paper Bag…

…But Then…

…I Tripped On A Cloud…

…And Fell Eight-Miles High…

…I Tore My Mind…

…On A Jagged Sky…

…I Just Dropped In To See What Condition My Condition Was In. …

…I Pushed My Soul In A Deep Dark Hole…

…And Then I Followed It In…

…I Watched Myself Crawlin’ Out…

…As I Was Crawlin’ In…

…I Got Up So Tight…

…I Couldn’t Unwind…

…I Saw So Much…

…I Broke My Mind…

…I Just Dropped In To See What Condition My Condition Was In. …

***\\//***\\//***\\//***\\//***

Today Has Begun Like Most Others.

I’m Alive.

That Seems To Be The Gist Of It.

I Still Do NOT Feel Great.

In Fact…

…I Continue To Feel A Bit…

…Hmm…

…Odd?

I Think We’ll Go With Odd For Now.

I Continue To Have A Lite…

…But Noticeable Tremor In My Right Hand.

And I’m Finding My Focus To Be Cast Adrift…

…Along With Everything Else.

The Useless Professionals…

…aka My Doctors…

…Have Decided To Wait Until Friday Morning Before Taking A Look At Me.

I Get Lab-Work Done Early Early Friday Morning…

…And Then See My Main Doctor An Hour Following The Lab-Work.

So…

…My Peeps…

…As I Sit Here And Type This To Y’all…

…I Still Have Zero Flippin’ Clue As To…

…WHAT’S HAPPENING TO ME…

…WHY IT’S HAPPENING…

…And…

…HOW CAN I STOP IT FROM HAPPENING AGAIN.

.Period.

You Know How Some Folks Talk About Being Within…

…Limbo…

…Or…

…Purgatory…

etc etc etc

???

Yeah.

That’s Kinda How I’m Feeling At The Moment.

Stuck.

Neither Living Nor Dead.

Just Kinda There.

Friday Morning Can Not Come Soon Enough For This Ex-Sailor.

I Await The Dawning Of A New Day…

…With High High Hopes…

…And So SO Many Questions.

I’m Sure There Will Be More Bloggin’ings Over The Next Few Days, My Peeps.

I’m Sorry To Leave Y’all Hangin’ Without Any Definitive Answers…

…But Y’all Have As Many Of The Answers As I Do.

I Do Promise To Continue Keepin’ Y’all Posted.

Once I Know WTF Is Up…

…You’ll Know WTF Is Up.

Okie The Dokie???

Cool Beans, Shipmates.

L8r On.

πŸ™‚