“My Trials and Tribulations with Dreaming”

Having a bad Reality, at times, is one thing.
Having bad Dreams all night about said bad Reality???
O M F G it S U C K S.
The one place I hope to escape to…
…continues to be one more place I can’t really get to.
I really was a much happier person when I could go to sleep and it was like stepping off into the blackness of space (((because I’d be in such a deep deep sleep))).
Now, it’s like falling off of a cliff into a world of twisted and fucked half-memories.

—

I try to change my current Reality, in the hopes of bettering my future Reality.
But, when it comes to past Reality, I’m helpless.
We all are, I know that.
So…
…I guess I really need to learn how to change my Dreams.
Riiiiiiiiiiight?

Mkay.

Sooo…

…HOW DOES ONE DO THAT???

—

At moments like this, I truly envy people like My Father.

He always told me he rarely, if ever, remembers his Dreams.

I remember the bulk of mine.

And mine are rarely, if ever, pleasant.

Even those with pleasant moments are often still bad Bad BAD Dreams.

It really is ALMOST enough to push a person tooooooooooooooooo far, sometimes.

—

Sleep is supposed to be restful, riiiiight?

You’re not supposed to feel worse when you awaken of a morning, correct??

And, YES, I’ve had sleep-studies done.

Nothing wrong with my breathing, nor anything else they could honestly measure.

I’ve talked to ((literally)) dozens of shrinks in my lifetime.

I’ve taken every medication they can think of to sling in my direction.

And, yet, here I sit.

Typing this.

Telling you, My Peeps, instead of yet another doctor that doesn’t seem to understand a goddamn thing about Me, nor My Situation.

—

I don’t want a lot of My Memories.

I don’t want a lot of My Reality.

But, MOST OF ALL, I don’t want to keep having these Dreams.

I accept My Memories.

I accept some of My Reality.

But, I do NOT accept that My “Dreamland” must be tainted.

I can’t accept that.

I won’t accept that.

Period.

When Remembering Turns To Dwelling Turns To Suffering…

…You Know You‘re Fu*ked.

—At This Moment, I‘m Writing Just To Watch Myself Write.

I‘ve Slept Less Than 35–Hours In The Past 10–Nights COMBINED.

I‘m Irritable.

I‘m Sullen And Moody.

I‘ve Lost 15–LBS In That 10–Day Span.

I Don‘t Understand Why I Let Myself Get This Depressed.

I Know I Do It To Myself.

It‘s My Own Fault.

But, I‘M Not My Own Fault.

I Know That.

I Never Have Been.

I Was Created And Shaped By Events In My Life That Have Seriously Fu*ked-Me–Up.

Why Can‘t I Shake This?

Why Does The Past Still Cling To Me Like The Stench Of Death?

It Haunts My Day–To–Day Existence.

I Know Why.

BECAUSE I LET IT.

Period.

MY BAD.

It‘s These Memories.

I Can‘t Handle Them As Well As I‘d Like To.

As Well As I SHOULD.

It‘s Honestly Maddening.

It‘s Hard.

It‘s So Very VERY Hard.

I Go From Day To Day Seeing No Benefit From It All.

I‘ve…

…Sheesh…

…I‘ve Become My Own Worst Enemy.

Just As I Was Always TOLD I Would Be.

Just As I Always KNEW I Would Be.

It Happens To Us All At Some Point, Sure.

It’s Life.

It‘s LIVING Life.

My Moments Of Weakness And Horror Come To Me Like Flashes.

As Images.

Images A Person Should Never See.

No One.

The Thoughts Linger.

The Ill–Feelings They Cause Linger Longer.

Am I Having An Identity Crisis?

Whatever It Is, It‘s Hanging On Way Way WAY Tooo Long.

Talking To People Is Becoming More And MORE Difficult.

There Are A Couple Key People I‘d Love To Talk To.

They Just Don‘t Want To Talk To Me.

Sometimes, I Break Down And Simply MUST Talk To Someone.

Those Are The Moments When I‘m Feeling My Worst.

When I Know Something‘s Wrong Inside, And I Need To Make An Outside Connection Before I Snap.

I Feel The Worst, Though, When I Do Have To Ask For Help.

But, At The Point I Start Talking, I‘m Already Scraping The Bottom Of The Barrel For The Oxygen I Need To Survive.

I Am.

It Gets Hard To Breathe.

I Start Feeling Sorry For Myself.

I Lose Personal Control.

I Become Someone Else.

Someone I Truly Am NOT.

A Whining…

…Crying…

…Sniveling…

…Used–To–Be.

I Know I’m Only 30‘ish‘ish.

Some Attempt To Push Upon Me That I‘m Still Far Too Young To Deal With Shit As I Do.

But, Everyone‘s Different…

…Correct???

Everyone‘s Got Their Own Stopping And Starting Point.

Their Own Breaking Point.

I Guess Mine Was Just A Bit Earlier In Life Than Some Others.

I Know I Don‘t Have It That Bad.

It‘s Not Like Someone Close To Me Has Died, Or Is Dying.

It‘s Simply The Past.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Beat.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Escape From.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Come To Terms With.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Let Go Of And Move On From.

And It‘s Destroying My Present.

I Guess Some Of This Is Normal, Right?

Thinking Of It All Has Just Brought Me Down So Much.

I Just Feel Very Alone, At Times.

But, I Do Understand That Life Could Be Much Worse.

Sadly…

…My Once Remarked–Upon Eyes Are Heavy, Dark, And Tired.

My Hopeful Outlook Has Turned Bleak.

Yet, Despite It All, I Survive.

MAYBE It All Has Made Me Stronger In Some Ways?

But, At What Personal Cost?

With Age And Experience Has Also Come Fear…

…Hate…

…Despair.

Where I Once Felt Love, I Now Feel Bitterness.

Where I Once Felt Alive, I Now Feel Drained.

Where I Once Cared About Life, I Now Resent It.

So Sad, Yet, So True.

It Just Pisses Me Off To No Extent.

When Wonderful Memories Become Jaded With Time.

I Swear, It Literally Makes Me Sick.

What I Wouldn‘t Give For A Moment‘s Peace.

A Clear Mind.

A Quiet Mind.

I Know I Have Some Amazing Moments Stored In My Brain–Case.

I‘ve Just Become To Bitter To See Them.

*** ***

PLEASE, My Peeps…

…Don‘t Be Alarmed By Anything I‘ve Said.

It‘s Just A Downer Moment For Me, And I‘m Allowing You To Experience It With Me.

I Guess I Just Wanted To Vent A Bit, As I Often Do When I Get Like This.

As I‘ve Said To Y‘all Before…

…Sometimes, It‘s Not Just The BEST Therapy…

…It‘s The ONLY Therapy.

Right???

RIGHT!!!—

How Important Is FORGIVENESS???

In Short…

…It Means The World At That Time.

The Point I Wish To Make With This Post Is That FORGIVENESS May Mean Life.

At Least, Now It Does.

I Was Forgiven For An Exceptional Injustice.

I Was Shocked.

I Was Amazed.

I Didn’t Feel I Deserved It…

…But I Got It.

To Be Forgiven By Another Is One Thing.

To Forgive One’s Self Is Totally Another.

He Forgave Me, Yet I Can’t Seem To Do The Same For Myself.

I Wish I Could Go Back.

I Wish I Could Stop What I Did Before It Ever Happened.

(((Side Note: I'd Cry, But I'm So Sick Right Now I Can Barely Write.)))

I Was So SO Foolish, And He Deserved Sooo Much More.

Much Better Than I Gave Him.

I Know The Eventual Outcome Wasn’t My Fault.

It Was A Moment Of Pure Stupidity On His Part.

But, That Doesn’t Change How I Feel.

I Wish It Did, But It Didn’t.

I’ve Been Sick, Since.

Since The Forgiveness.

It Just Doesn’t Feel Right.

I Wish He’d Ripped Me A New One.

I Wish He’d Dropped The Bomb On Me.

But, He Didn’t.

He Told Me I Shouldn’t Feel The Blame.

He Told Me That It  Wasn’t My Fault.

That It’s Nothing I Should Ever Worry Myself About.

But, I Can’t Do That.

I Try Try TRY…

…But I Can’t Do It.

God How I Wish I Could.

I Think My Life Would Be A Lot Different Had I Sucked-It-Up And Carried-On.

But, I Didn’t.

I Let It Eat At Me.

I Let It Destroy Me.

I Let It…

…I Let it…

…I Let It.

Ya Know What, Screw This Post.

I Have So Much I Want To Say…

…Yet Know I’ll Never Be Able To.

So I’ll End This Here.

Just Know, My Peeps, That You Are Loved AND Cared About Deeply.

If I’ve Wronged You…

…I’m Sorry.

I Tend To Rub People The Wrong Way, Which Is Why I’m Apologizing.

I Can Only Hope That…

…With TIME  And PATIENCE…

…I’ll Be Able To Get Beyond All Of This.

This Blog Post Is Evidence Of That.

I’m Trying To Move Beyond This, Kids.

Perhaps, One Day, I’ll Be Able To Do So.

Perhaps.

The Song Stuck In My Head That ALSO Makes Me Smile: “THE GREAT PRETENDER” by THE PLATTERS (1955)

“…Too Real…

…Is This Feeling…

…Of Make-Believe…

…Too Real…

…When I Feel…

…What My Heart…

…Can’t Conceal…”

“…Yes…

…I’m THE GREAT PRETENDER…

…Just Laughing…

…And Gay…

…Like A Clown…

…I Seem To Be…

…What I’m Not…

…You See…

…I’m Wearing…

…My Heart…

…Like A Crown…

…Pretending…

…That You’re…

…Still Around.”

<<<***>>>

<<**>>

<*>

I Suppose I Was Just Feeling Very Nostalgic, My Peeps.

That’s My Best Almost Answer.

I Found, As I Sat Down To Write This, I Could Go In Many Different Directions With It.

At First…

…I Was Going To Talk About Past Loves…

…Their Impact Upon My Life…

…Past AND Present…

…But I Just Couldn’t Bring Myself To Do So.

I Didn’t See Any Way Of Doing That Without Rubbing-Raw Some Already Tender Feelings…

…Both Mine AND Other Peeps.

I’ve Been A Pretty Damned Decent Pretender Most Of My Life.

Especially In Matters Of Love.

So Why Be An Asshole About It And Upset The Sliver Of Balance I Cling Tenaciously To?

Exactly, My Peeps.

Why, Indeed.

So I Won’t Do That.

It’s Not Something That Has To Happen, Therefore It Won’t, Until It Does.

Sound Fair Enough?

Good.

Sounds That Way To Me, Also.

So Just What CAN I Say?!

Hmm.

Well…

…The Whole Reason This Song Is On Ye Ole MP3Player In The First Place Is Our Little Bond.

I Actually Have Had A Copy Of This Song Since The 1980s.

On Cassette-Tape First…

…Then Later On CD.

It Was On Those “TIME LIFE” Classic Oldies Collections.

My Mother Purchased Them For Her And I.

She Knew I Loved Listening To The Oldies Stations When We’d Ride Around In The Car.

I Enjoyed Singing-Along With Them, And Listening To Her Sing-Along In Kind.

She Didn’t Care Too Much For The Bulk Of The Music Of MY Youth…

…So We’d Listen To The Music Of HER Youth.

That’s How I Originally Heard The Music Of Peeps Like…

ROY ORBISON

BUDDY HOLLY

HERMAN’S HERMITS

THE BEATLES

THE DAVE CLARK FIVE

Etc Etc Etc

…And YES…

THE PLATTERS

!!! !!!

🙂

So I Had Many Different Types Of Memories Come Rushing To Me When I Heard This Song…

“THE GREAT PRETENDER“

…This Morning.

Some Good.

Some Great.

Some Not Good Nor Great.

But Many Memories, Nevertheless.

It’s Honestly A Great Little Number, Kiddies.

And Regardless Of Whether Thinking About Matters Of The Heart…

…Or Matters Of The Head…

…Or Matters Of A Mixed Nature…

…Good OR Bad…

…It Remains A Great Little Number.

It Has A Special Place In My Life…

…Past AND Present…

…And I’m Sure It Will Continue To Have That Place Well Into The Future.

This Song Has Been With Me The Bulk Of My Life…

…And It’s ALWAYS Been A Keeper.

Y’all Should Just Trust Me, Fo SHO!

😉

Hope Everyone Has A Good Day.

Y’all Know I’ll Be Doing What I Can To Make That Happen For Myself.

So Y’all Should Really Try Doing So For Yourselves, Or Anyone Else You Can.

So Long As We’re All Still Standing At The End…

…It’ll Be Just Jim Dandy.

Right?!

RIGHT!!

😀     😀

“A President Does NOT Shape A New And Personal Vision Of America…”

“…He Collects It From The Scattered Hopes Of The American Past.“

—LYNDON B. JOHNSON

-(1908–1973)-

-=Our 36TH PRESIDENT Of The UNITED STATES Of AMERICA=-

“The Past Sharpens Perspective…”

“…Warns Of Pitfalls, And Helps To Point The Way.“

—DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER

-{1890–1969}-

-{Our 34TH PRESIDENT Of The UNITED STATES Of AMERICA}-

“No Man Is Rich Enough To Buy Back His Past.” –OSCAR WILDE

<>OSCAR WILDE<>

<>(1854–1900)<>

<>WRITER<>

<>POET<>

<>PLAYWRIGHT<>

<>JOURNALIST<>