When Remembering Turns To Dwelling Turns To Suffering…

…You Know You‘re Fu*ked.

—At This Moment, I‘m Writing Just To Watch Myself Write.

I‘ve Slept Less Than 35–Hours In The Past 10–Nights COMBINED.

I‘m Irritable.

I‘m Sullen And Moody.

I‘ve Lost 15–LBS In That 10–Day Span.

I Don‘t Understand Why I Let Myself Get This Depressed.

I Know I Do It To Myself.

It‘s My Own Fault.

But, I‘M Not My Own Fault.

I Know That.

I Never Have Been.

I Was Created And Shaped By Events In My Life That Have Seriously Fu*ked-Me–Up.

Why Can‘t I Shake This?

Why Does The Past Still Cling To Me Like The Stench Of Death?

It Haunts My Day–To–Day Existence.

I Know Why.

BECAUSE I LET IT.

Period.

MY BAD.

It‘s These Memories.

I Can‘t Handle Them As Well As I‘d Like To.

As Well As I SHOULD.

It‘s Honestly Maddening.

It‘s Hard.

It‘s So Very VERY Hard.

I Go From Day To Day Seeing No Benefit From It All.

I‘ve…

…Sheesh…

…I‘ve Become My Own Worst Enemy.

Just As I Was Always TOLD I Would Be.

Just As I Always KNEW I Would Be.

It Happens To Us All At Some Point, Sure.

It’s Life.

It‘s LIVING Life.

My Moments Of Weakness And Horror Come To Me Like Flashes.

As Images.

Images A Person Should Never See.

No One.

The Thoughts Linger.

The Ill–Feelings They Cause Linger Longer.

Am I Having An Identity Crisis?

Whatever It Is, It‘s Hanging On Way Way WAY Tooo Long.

Talking To People Is Becoming More And MORE Difficult.

There Are A Couple Key People I‘d Love To Talk To.

They Just Don‘t Want To Talk To Me.

Sometimes, I Break Down And Simply MUST Talk To Someone.

Those Are The Moments When I‘m Feeling My Worst.

When I Know Something‘s Wrong Inside, And I Need To Make An Outside Connection Before I Snap.

I Feel The Worst, Though, When I Do Have To Ask For Help.

But, At The Point I Start Talking, I‘m Already Scraping The Bottom Of The Barrel For The Oxygen I Need To Survive.

I Am.

It Gets Hard To Breathe.

I Start Feeling Sorry For Myself.

I Lose Personal Control.

I Become Someone Else.

Someone I Truly Am NOT.

A Whining…

…Crying…

…Sniveling…

…Used–To–Be.

I Know I’m Only 30‘ish‘ish.

Some Attempt To Push Upon Me That I‘m Still Far Too Young To Deal With Shit As I Do.

But, Everyone‘s Different…

…Correct???

Everyone‘s Got Their Own Stopping And Starting Point.

Their Own Breaking Point.

I Guess Mine Was Just A Bit Earlier In Life Than Some Others.

I Know I Don‘t Have It That Bad.

It‘s Not Like Someone Close To Me Has Died, Or Is Dying.

It‘s Simply The Past.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Beat.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Escape From.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Come To Terms With.

A Past I‘ve Yet To Let Go Of And Move On From.

And It‘s Destroying My Present.

I Guess Some Of This Is Normal, Right?

Thinking Of It All Has Just Brought Me Down So Much.

I Just Feel Very Alone, At Times.

But, I Do Understand That Life Could Be Much Worse.

Sadly…

…My Once Remarked–Upon Eyes Are Heavy, Dark, And Tired.

My Hopeful Outlook Has Turned Bleak.

Yet, Despite It All, I Survive.

MAYBE It All Has Made Me Stronger In Some Ways?

But, At What Personal Cost?

With Age And Experience Has Also Come Fear…

…Hate…

…Despair.

Where I Once Felt Love, I Now Feel Bitterness.

Where I Once Felt Alive, I Now Feel Drained.

Where I Once Cared About Life, I Now Resent It.

So Sad, Yet, So True.

It Just Pisses Me Off To No Extent.

When Wonderful Memories Become Jaded With Time.

I Swear, It Literally Makes Me Sick.

What I Wouldn‘t Give For A Moment‘s Peace.

A Clear Mind.

A Quiet Mind.

I Know I Have Some Amazing Moments Stored In My Brain–Case.

I‘ve Just Become To Bitter To See Them.

*** ***

PLEASE, My Peeps…

…Don‘t Be Alarmed By Anything I‘ve Said.

It‘s Just A Downer Moment For Me, And I‘m Allowing You To Experience It With Me.

I Guess I Just Wanted To Vent A Bit, As I Often Do When I Get Like This.

As I‘ve Said To Y‘all Before…

…Sometimes, It‘s Not Just The BEST Therapy…

…It‘s The ONLY Therapy.

Right???

RIGHT!!!—

Engaged Twice… …But Still Single.

That’s Right, My Peeps.

Yours Truly Has Been Ready To Tie-The-Knot…

…Not ONCE…

…But TWICE.

At Least, I’ve Asked Two Different People To Marry Me.

The First Was An Impossibility.

She Knew It.

I Knew It.

But, It Happened Nevertheless.

Is She Better-Off Without Me?

Oh, Most Definitely.

She Was Younger.

She Was Hotter.

She Was A Jock.

Yet, She Was So Tender AND Loving.

She Lit-Up A Room Upon Entering.

She Made Everyone Smile.

She Made My Friends Pat Me On The Back Saying…

“Well Done, Sir. Well Done, Indeed.“

As It Turned-Out, However, I Was NOT What She Was Looking For.

The Engagement…

…Which Was Made Through A Phone-Call…

…Lasted Almost Exactly TWO (2) Months.

Not A Lot Of Time, I Grant That.

But Those Were Two Very Special Months.

For The First Time In My Life, I Sincerely Felt As Though I Belonged.

I Had The Gal Of My Dreams, And Nothing Was Going To Take That Away From Me.

Nothing Except Her, Of Course.

She Broke-Off The Engagement.

That Part Stung A Bit, But I Understood.

Just THREE (3) Days Later, However, She Broke-Off The Entire Relationship.

That Part Stung More Than A Bit.

It Was The Only Time In My Life I Could Easily Say I Felt Something For A Member Of The Fairer-Sex.

After She And I Ended Our Union, I Totally Gave-Up On Trying To Date Women.

I Could Never Do Better Than Her, That’s Fo SHO.

When You’ve Had The Best, Why Deal With The Rest?

Of Course, While She And I Were On-The-Rocks, I Was Also Seeing A Fellow Shipmate On The Side.

He Was Slightly My Elder.

He Was Slightly Taller.

He Was Slightly More Attractive.

He Was Priceless, Honestly.

When I Told Him My Girl Had Finally Become Fed-Up With The Whole “Long Distance” Thing, His Response Was Muted.

“Well, Hell, It Happens.“

That Was The Most I Could Get Out Of Him In This Regard.

He Knew I Wasn’t Like The Rest.

He Knew That, While Personally Disheartening, The Break-Up Wouldn’t Do Much Harm.

He Knew What I Was.

I Didn’t.

But, He Did.

I Was Still In My “Total Denial“ Phase.

You’ve Been Through One, Before.

We All Have.

Not About The Same Thing, No…

…But About Something.

There’s Always A Part Of Ourselves We’re Not Pleased With.

Something We Deny, And Continue To Deny.

We’ll Deny It Until We’re Forced To Do Otherwise.

It Took Another TWO (2) YEARS Before I Finally Came To Grips With My Denial.

I Maintained It As Long As I Could.

I Fought A Good Fight.

In The End…

…I Lost The Battle To Myself.

Hey, It Happens.

Such Is Life.

The Second Time I Was Engaged, The Circumstances Were Much, MUCH Different.

This Was Someone I’d Dated A While.

A Long While.

BUT…

…I Knew I Was Ready.

I Knew Whom I Wanted…

…And Exactly What I Wanted.

So, I Asked.

And He Said “YES“!!!

I Was Shocked AND Amazed.

I Didn’t Expect The “YES“, Actually.

I Expected The “Well, You’re A Great Guy, BUT…” Speech.

But, That Didn’t Happen.

Instead, I Was Suddenly Engaged For The Second Time.

Except, This Time, I Was Simply Sure Sure SURE It Was Going To Work-Out.

We’d Been Together For Over 2-Years At That Point.

It Felt Like A Very Safe Bet, And I Was Ready.

I Was Ready To Take The Plunge And Simply Go For It.

It Wasn’t Long Afterward The Proverbial Rug Was Ripped From Under Me.

He Broke-Off The Engagement…

…And Then The Relationship.

I Wanted To Cry.

I Wanted To Show How Much It Hurt.

But, I Didn’t.

I Just Sucked-It-Up.

I Carried-On.

I Will Say This…

…If I Ever Need To Escape A Relationship…

…All I Really Need To Do Is Ask The Person To Marry Me.

In Fact, I’d Likely Be Single Again Before The End Of The Day.

Is It Me?

Am I The Reason They Duck-Out?

Or, Is It Something Else?

Perhaps It’s Thoughts Of The Future?

Our Future?

Could YOU Handle Marrying Someone You Already Knew Had Mental Difficulties???

That Could Turn-Out To Be The Question Of The Day.

Could YOU Handle It, My Peeps?

Could YOU See Yourself Loving Someone Like That?

Someone Who Spends Most Of His Time In A Dark, Sullen Mood?

Someone Who Always Sees The Negative BEFORE He Sees Anything Positive?

Could You?

Could You Handle It?

It’s A Valid Question, My Peeps.

It’s One Where I’m Very, VERY Curious About The Answer.

I Ran Across This Quotation Last Night…

…And It Felt Very VERY Relevant To What I’ve Been Doing Of Late.

“The Man Who Writes About Himself AND His Own Time Is The Only Man Who Writes About All People AND About All Time.”

—GEORGE BERNARD SHAW

I May Not See It Exactly As SHAW Had, But I Get The Gist Of What He Was Saying.

I Write About Myself, Mainly, Because I’m What I Know.

A Person MUST Write What They Know, And I’m The One Subject I Know The Best.

Sometimes, I Wish I Didn’t Know Myself So Well.

Sometimes, I Wish I Could Just Turn It All Off.

As Kids, My Brother Had A Standing Order For Xmas Or Birthday Gifts.

He Wanted A “Remote Controlled Bradley” So He Could “Turn Him Off“!!!

😦

I’m Not Even Joking There, My Peeps.

That’s Exactly What He Wanted.

People Have Wanted To Turn Me Off The Bulk Of My Life.

It Comes With The Territory.

It Goes Hand–N–Hand With Mental Illness.

No One Knows How To Fix You…

…Yet Everyone Wants To.

Even Little Brothers.

So, What Can I Say Toward That?

Honestly, Not Much.

I Do Wish I Had An Off-Switch.

It Would Have Come In Handy Many, Many Times.

But, Alas, I Do Not.

So, Now What?!

Help Me Here, My Peeps.

What’s Up?

What’s The Story?

What’s The Scoop??

What Can I Do???

It’s Just A Bit After 5AM…

…Yet, Here I Sit…

…Talking To Y’all…

…Wishing I Had More To Honestly Say.

Everything I Want To Say, I Can’t.

Everything I Want To Do, I Can’t.

So, Where Does That Leave Us?

If You Said “Right Back Where We Started“ You’d Be Very Much Correct.

I’m Tired.

I Feel Used-Up.

I Feel Worn-Out.

Maybe I Should Try Going Back To Bed?

Well, I Would If I Knew It Would Be A Positive.

But, It Wouldn’t Be.

It’d Just Be More Of The Same.

Tossing.

Turning.

Blankly–Staring.

I Just Don’t Know, My Peeps.

I Sincerely Don’t Know.

I Do Know I Don’t Write For All People…

…Nor For All Time.

I’m Just Here.

I’m Just Me.

I’m Just Writing What Feels Right.

Even Though, Sometimes, It’s Very VERY Wrong.

I Hate My Brain.

I Hate My Heart.

I Hate Everything About Myself.

Why?

Because, I Don’t Function Properly.

I Can Be The Nicest, Most Charming Person Around.

And, Then, In The Same Breath, I Can Be Malicious.

I Can Be Cruel.

I Can Be Evil.

Life’s Funny That Way, I Suppose.

Is It Funny I Find That Funny?

Is It Wrong?

Is It In Bad-Taste?

I Just Don’t Know.

I Do Know It’s Time To End This Ramble.

I’m Just Not Feeling It.

I Started–Out Shaky On The Subject…

…And I Remain So.

So, I’ll Just Shut-Up.

Perhaps Later I’ll Be More Able To Convey My Thoughts And Feelings.

Right Now…

…Both MY MIND And MY HEART Are In A Very Dark Place.

Trying To Work When I’m Like This Is Generally A Bad Thing.

Nothing Good Has Ever Come Of It…

…And I Don’t See Any Good Coming Anytime Soon.

Perhaps Later?

Perhaps.

Unexpectedly…

…My Piece On “FORGIVENESS” Went Over Very Well.

Very VERY Well, Actually.

For That, I Thank Y’all.

I’ll Tell Y’all, It Was Exceptionally Honest.

Those, “Writing Because I Simply MUST MUST MUST” Moments  Seem To Be The Pieces That Do The Best.

((((Read "BEST" In This Context: Your Comments That Are Very Constructive.))))

Those Where I Just Lay It On The Line And Go For It.

My Intention Was To Talk, Briefly, About Somethin’ Happenin’ In My Life.

I Never, In My Wildest Dreams, Expected It To Go Over As It Did.

But, It Did.

It Went Over Amazingly Well.

I Don’t Know If It Was The Honesty Of The Writing…

…The Pain…

…The Anguish…

…The Heartfelt Sincerity…

…What….

???

All I Know Is That Y’all Seemed To Like It For Some Reason.

Period On That.

.

I Wanted Y’all To Know It Did Not Go Unnoticed.

The Question Is, How To Follow-It-Up?

For That, I Haven’t The Foggiest.

I’ve Thought AND Thought.

Much To My Dismay…

…I’ve Come-Up With Nothing Viable.

The “FORGIVENESS” Piece Took A Lot Out Of Me.

I Wasn’t Right The Whole Rest Of The Day.

But, It Was Tried, True, Honest.

I Simply Don’t Know Where To Go From Here.

I Want To Write.

I Need To Write.

But, What To Write?

I Just Don’t Know.

I Could Carry On.

I Could Keep It Going.

But, What Would I Say?

I Will Say I Spent All Of Yesterday Struggling To Move.

Walking…

…Talking…

…The Whole Shebang.

I Could Hardly Move.

And, When I Did Move, It Was Herky Jerky.

My Speech Was Slurred.

My Motion Was Funky.

I Just Don’t Know What Was Up.

I Told Y’all I Was Forgiven For A Grave Personal Injustice.

THAT Was Totally Unexpected.

I Never Saw It Coming.

Then Again, That’s The Whole Point Of Unexpected.

It Takes A Better Man Than Myself, That’s Fo SHO, To Do That To Me.

I Would Have Never Have Done It.

I Would Have Carried It With Me Forever.

I Would Have Been Hateful.

I Would Have Been Resentful.

I Would Have Been So Full Of Disgust.

I Would Have NEVER Have Forgiven Me.

I Felt I Deserved The Worst Of It.

I Felt I Deserved The Cold-Shoulder AND Both-Barrels.

I Haven’t The Foggiest.

Was It His Showing Me That “He’s The Better Man”?

Or, Was It His Showing Me “He’d Actually Moved On”?

Was It His Showing Me “He’d Truly, Truly Forgiven What I’d Done”?

Honestly, Don’t Know.

I Just Know It Happened.

I’m Just Having Little, To No, Success Fathoming It.

Ya Know Something…

…I’m Going To End This Here.

It Feels More Like A Ramble Than A Blog Post.

I Don’t Want That.

If I’m Going To Post Then Let Me Post.

Not Ramble.

Post.

So I’ll Say, Good Morning…

…Or Goodnight…

…Whichever It Is For You.

Hopefully, By The Next Time Around, You’ll Know If I’m Just Rambling Or Posting.

I Know…

…Most Of My Posts Are Rambles.

My Bad.

So… I Was Informed Last Night That The Only Time I Ramblel Is When I’m Ill…

…And I Suppose I Can Agree With That.

I Do Tend To Ramble And Prattle-On When I Don’t Feel Great.

Sue Me.

My Bad.

BUT…

…Today Came Rather Early, My Peeps.

I Was Up And At ‘Em Before 3AM’ish.

I HATE Being Awake Whilst The World Sleeps.

Makes Me Feel Odd.

Makes Me Feel Like A Failure At Just One More Thing In Life.

Can’t Do Anything Else Right…

…So Why Should My Sleep/Wake-Cycle Be An Different.

I Remember Working “The Night Shift” While In The Navy.

I LOVED IT!

Of Course, My Hours Were Longer Than Everyone Else’s.

They All Worked 0700 To 1900 (7AM To 7PM).

I…

…Along With My Elder Namesake….

…Worked 1800 To 0900 (6PM To 9AM).

Talk About A Bummer Of  A Deal…

…Yet We Were Very VERY Willing To Work The Extra Hours.

You See…

…”The Night Shift” Had One Amazing Quality…

…NO SUPERVISORS.

NO BOSSES Standing Over My Shoulder…

…Criticizing Each And Every Thing I Did.

NO BOSSES To Tell Me What To Do…

…When To Do It…

…How To Do It…

…Etc Etc.

It Was Peaceful.

It Was Painless.

It Was Worth The 15-Hour Shifts.

Who Cares How Long You Work Whilst At Sea?!

EXACTLY, Mr Peeps!

Who Gives A Shit!?!

You Can’t Go Anywhere.

You’re Surrounded By The Sea…

…Or The Ocean…

…Or Wherever We Were At The Time.

I Had To Be There One-Hour Before Everyone Else Got Off Work So I Could Get The “Turn-Over” From My Fellow Journalist Shipmates.

And Then I Couldn’t Leave Until 9AM Because Of “Happy Hour” Which Meant We Had To Clean The Ship For An Hour Each Morning.

I Got Yelled-At Many A Time For Ducking-Out Early And Going To Bed.

No…

…I Was Not A Model Sailor.

I Was A Helluva Journalist…

…Just Not A Sailor.

I Think I’ve Discussed That Before, So I Won’t Go Into It.

I Just Remember Being Told And Told Over And Over Again…

“Brad, You Do A Great Job At This And That, But You’re Not Being A Team-Player, Nor Are You Fulfilling Your Duties As A Sailor On-Board This Ship. Straighten-Up, Fly Right, Or Get Burned.“

Or Something To That Effect.

And Boy Oh Boy Did They Ever Burn Me!

((hahahaahaha))

Oh, Memories.

Why Must You Be So Vivid?!

Sheesh.

😐

This Is Turning Into A Ramble, Isn’t It?!

SEE!!

I Knew It Would.

I Could Ramble For Days-On-End About The Navy And My Experiences.

Slowly, But Surely, They All Come Back To Me.

They Float To The Surface, So To Speak.

In The End, I Came To Hate Hate HATE My Time In The Navy.

And That’s Sad To Me.

I LOVED The Navy.

I LOVED My Peers And Especially My Friends.

It Was My “Superiors” That Were Intolerable.

Little People Trying To Fill Big Shoes, Ya Know?!

People Whom Were Only In-Charged Because Of Their Time And Rank.

Had They Not Hated Me So Much…

…Honestly…

…I’d Likely Still Be In The Navy.

I Could Have Handled Anything Thrown At Me Had I Had Bosses Whom Were Worth A Shit.

But They Weren’t.

So I’m Not.

Plain And Simple.

ANYWAY…

…I Shall End This Ramble, Here.

Y’all Take Care, Please.

And Be Good When Possible.

I Know…

…It Ain’t Easy.

Hell…

…What In Life Ever Is?

Exactly, My Peeps, Exactly.

Have A Damned Decent Day, Kiddies.

I’m Going To Try Doing The Same.

PEACE, Y’all!!!

😀       😀       😀

I Sat Down To Write… …And Got Lost In Thought… …AGAIN!

This Is Happening Far Far FAR TOOOOOO OFTEN.

Period.

I Think Of Something I Wanna Write About…

…Then Get Muddled-Up Thinking About A Billion Other Things.

What About This?!

What About That?!

How Did I Manage This?!

What The Hell Is This?!

Why The Hell Am I Thinking About This?!

And On…

…And On…

…And On And On And On!

Grrr.

Drives Me Crazy!

Well…

…Crazier.

I’m Already Carting Enough Crazy Around With Me To Convert A Small City.

I Wish I Were Joking About That…

…But…

…Alas….

…I’m Not.

Hell, I’m Certified!

I’ve Got The Paperwork To Prove It!

Do YOU!?

See.

I Win.

Again.

Though, I’m Not Sure That’s Something I’d Really Wanna Claim As A Grand Victory, Ya Know?!

Sheesh.

ANYWAY…

…The Past Few Days Have Not Treated Me Well.

Being Ill Is An Understatement.

Goddamn Sinus-Infection.

They’re Bastards From Hell, I Swear!

So Not Only Is My Head Plugged AND Pounding…

…But It Forces Me To Breathe Through My Mouth.

What Does That Amount To?!

YEP…

…DRY MOUTH.

😦

Something I Sincerely Can’t Stand.

So I’ve Been Drinking My Weight In Water…

…And Lemonade.

I Simply LOVE Lemonade.

Must Be The Southern Portion Of My Upbringing.

That Side Of The Fam Was ALWAYS Big Into The Lemonade.

And The Sweet-Tea.

Love That Sweet-Tea.

Wait.

Why Am I Talking About Lemonade And Tea?!

Sheesh.

SEE!

I’m Just Rambling!

Dammit.

Someone Really Needs To Step-In And Stop Me When I Start That Shit.

I Don’t Mind It, But Everyone Else Seems To Hate It.

I CAN’T HELP IT!

I’m Long-Winded!

MY BAD!!!

😦

The Point Of All This Was For Me To Tell You WHY I’ve Been In Reblog-Mode.

It’s Simply Because I Haven’t Felt Great.

And Haven’t Felt Up To Writing, As I Am Now.

And NO, I’m Not Feeling Any Better Right Now.

But I Felt I MUST MUST MUST Get Something Out There To Explain My Recent Actions.

I Simply LOVE The Reblog Option.

When I Don’t Feel Quite Right…

…I Reblog.

Plain And Simple.

It Just So Happens People Have Been Talking About Things In Their Blogs That Sincerely Interest Me.

So…

…I Kinda Figure Other Peeps Might Also Be Interested.

Am I Right?!

Are You Interested?!

I Sure As Shit Hope So.

Otherwise, What’s The Point?!

I Don’t Want To Post Things Peeps Don’t Care About…

…But Sometimes That’s An Impossible Task.

Sheesh.

I’m Doing It Again.

I’m Rambling.

I Really Should Get That Part Of My Brain Checked-Out.

There Must Be A “Rambling OFF Button” Somewhere.

No One Has Been Able To Find Mine…

…Yet.

Maybe One Day?!

Maybe, Indeed.

😀

Anyway, Kiddies…

…I’m Tired.

I Need A Rest.

I Haven’t Been Sleeping Very Well During My Current Ills.

It’s Hard To Sleep When You Can’t Breathe Through Your Nose.

This Is Something I’m VERY SURE Y’all Can Identify With.

It’s A Pisser, Fo SHO, My Peeps.

SO…

…I’m Going To Put On A Movie…

…I’m Going To Put My Feet Up…

…I’m Going To Relax To The Max…

…And I’m Going To Try My Best To NOT Do Anything Of Mention.

I Figure If I’m Not Doing Anything Worth Mentioning…

…Well…

…Ya Know…

…Perhaps I Won’t Mention It.

😉

What Movie Shall I Watch?!

I’m Thinking…

“SOMEONE BEHIND THE DOOR“

(1971)

…Starring…

CHARLES BRONSON

…And…

ANTHONY PERKINS

!!! !!!

-<<{http://youjivinmeturkey.com/2012/03/19/you-wanna-know-whats-on-eh-ever-heard-of-someone-behind-the-door-1971/}>>-

Sound Good To You?!

GREAT!!

Sounds Good To Me, Also!!

So Let’s Chill, My Peeps.

Let’s Put Up Our Feet.

Let’s Relax.

Let’s Get Lost In The World That Is Cinema.

Ready?!

Aaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnd….

…GO!

😀