So, Why Is Love So Hard For Me To Handle?

Well, My Peeps…

…I Have A Story To Tell You, And I’m Not Really Sure How To Tell It.

I Have To Take You Back In Time A Bit.

Back To A Time When I Was Fickle.

Back Before I Understood The True Impact…

…The True Meaning Of What Love Really Is.

I’m Taking You Back 10 Years.

Back When My Issues Really Began.

You See, I Dated Someone.

Someone Beautiful…

…Inside AND Outside.

Someone With A Sharp Mind…

…With The Kindest Heart…

…Someone Whom Truly Deserved The Best I Could Give Them.

Regardless Of Any Thing…

…They Deserved The Very Very Best.

They Deserved Better Than I Ever Could Give Them Was What I Eventually Decided.

We Met.

We Hit It Off Immediately.

We Quickly Became A Young Power-Couple.

I Quickly Fell In Love…

…And I Fell Very VERY Hard.

So Quickly And So Hard, In-Fact, That I Became Truly Terrified.

I Admit It, My Peeps, I Was Scared Shitless.

He Was Young.

He Was Physically Strong.

He Was Physically Hot.

He Was Emotionally Strong.

He Was Emotionally Complete.

And I Know He Loved Me.

He Loved Me Like No One Ever Had…

…Like No One Ever Has Since.

And, As I’ve Said, I Was Scared.

I Was Terrified.

And I Held Back.

I Did My Best Never To Tell Him Just How Much I Cared…

…Just How Much I Truly Loved Him.

I Never Let Him Know How Wonderful He Was.

How Special He Was.

How Much I Wanted Him.

How Much I Wanted To Protect Him.

So…

…The Decision Was Made By ME, Of Course.

The Decision Was Made To Spare This Guy.

The Best Way To Protect Him…

…The Best Way To Make Sure I Didn’t Eventually Do As I Always Do And Eventually Hurt Him.

The Decision Made Was To Let Him Go.

To Me, That Was The Best Thing I Could Do For Him.

I Couldn’t Let Him Into My World As I Wanted To…

…So I Did, What I Considered To Be, The Noble Thing.

I Walked Away.

I Pulled The Plug.

Right Or Wrong, That’s How It Eventually Went Down.

I Convinced Him I Wasn’t Happy.

I Convinced Him I Didn’t Really Want To Be With Him.

I Convinced Him I Only Ever Dated Him In The First Place Because I Saw Him As A Virtual Doppelganger To A Previous Love Of Mine.

I Did Everything I Could To Make Sure He Was Convinced I Was Serious.

That I Really Wanted out.

After A Few Tears…

…From Us Both…

…We Separated.

The Break-Up Actually Went Better Than I Expected It To.

We Parted Ways Later That Day.

I Haven’t Seen Him, Face To Face, Since.

But All Of This Was More The Preamble To The Meat Of The Story.

You See…

…Fast Forward A Few Months…

…I’m Sitting At Home.

A Simple, Quiet Evening.

I Was Feeling Tired.

I Was Feeling Lonely.

I Was Feeling Sorry For Myself…

…And For Things I’d Done Or Said.

Then The Phone Rang.

To My Astonishment, It Was Him.

He Was Contacting Me!

My Heart Literally Leaped!

I Couldn’t Have Been More Excited About The Prospect Of Hearing His Voice Again…

…His Sweet, Sweet Voice.

I’d Wanted To Hear His Voice So So Badly…

…I Was Just Too Stubborn To Call Him Myself.

Each Time I’d Considered Doing So, I Talked Myself Out Of It.

But Now…

…This Time…

…Here He Was.

That Phone-Call, Sadly, Would Become A Living Nightmare.

He Was Tearful.

His Voice Was Shaky.

He Was, Quite Frankly, Terrified.

And Then He Laid It On Me.

Shortly After We’d Broken-Up…

…He Did What Most Would Do In His Situation.

He Went Out.

He Partied.

He Had Fun.

He Did What He Could To Get Me Out Of His Head…

…Out Of His Heart.

So He Got Himself Laid.

He Put Me As Far Behind Himself As He Could.

He Was Experiencing Life Again.

And That’s All It Took.

The Phone-Call Wasn’t To Say Hello.

It Wasn’t To Say Hi, How Are You, What’s New.

It Was To Tell Me He’d Just Received Notice That He Was Now HIV+.

Hearing Him Say Those Words Took A Moment To Sink In.

And Then All Could Think To Do Was Cry.

It Nearly Killed Me When I Finally Wrapped My Head Around It All.

It Was My Fault.

My Fault He Felt The Way He Did.

My Fault He Was Put Into That Situation.

My Fault For Thinking With My Head And NOT My Heart.

Had I Listened To My Heart…

…Honestly…

…I Would Never Have Let Him Go.

We Truly Were Very Perfectly Suited To One-Another.

Had I Not Been Such A Chicken-Shit…

…Had I Not Been So Scared Of My Own Feelings…

…Had I Simply Led With My Heart And Emotions…

…This Would Never Have Happened.

It’s A Guilt I’ve Carried With Me For Nearly 10 Years, Now.

I Did Something I Know I Shouldn’t Have…

…For What I Justified As A Justifiable Reason…

…And Instead Of Protecting Him From Myself…

…I Failed To Protect Him From Anything.

I Just Made Things Worse.

I Destroyed His Life.

I Agonize Over This Event To This Very Day.

I Think About It A Lot.

I Think About How Foolish I Was.

I Think About How Much I Really Did Love Him.

I Think About How I Never Told Him How Much I Really Loved Him.

I Can See The Breakup In My Mind To This Day.

I Remember Every Word I Uttered To Him.

I Remember His Tears.

I Remember That Phone-Call.

I Remember His Tears.

I Remember How I Wanted To Curl-Up And Die When The Call Finally Ended.

How Could I Have Done That, My Peeps?

How Could I Have Been So Foolish To Think That My Loving Someone Was Going To Be Their Ultimate Destruction?

Especially Now.

Knowing That Had I Just Told Him Once How Much I Cared…

…How Much I Wanted Him…

…How Much I Needed Him…

…That This Horrid Outcome Would Never Have Happened.

He Would Be Happy AND Healthy.

He Would Be Living The Life He Should Be.

But Because Of My Actions…

…Because I Couldn’t Handle The Extreme Powers Of Real Love…

…I Made The Worst Decision Of My Young Existence.

I Just Wish I Could Fix It.

I Wish I’d Never Let Him Go.

I Wish This Horrid Outcome Had Never Taken Place.

But I Can’t.

I Can’t Change It.

I Can’t Take It Back.

I Just Have To Live With The Knowledge That Had I Been A Real Man…

…Had I Been Honest About My Feelings…

…This Would Never Have Happened.

As I Said…

…He Would Be Happy AND Healthy…

…And I Would Be Guilt Free.

My Life Fell Apart After That.

I Stopped Loving.

Truly Loving.

I Stopped Trusting.

I Stopped Letting People Into My Life.

Not For My Sake…

…But For Theirs.

I Still Miss Him A Lot.

I Still Wonder How He Is…

…How He’s Doing…

…And I Hope He’s Alright.

I Just Hope…

…One Day…

…He’ll Be Able To Forgive Me.

It Would Be Nice To Know.

Even Though I’ll Never Be Able To Forgive Myself.

I Broke His Heart.

And Then I Shattered My Own.

I’ve Regretted My Actions Every Single Day Since.

It’s 10 Years Later…

…Yet I Haven’t Moved On.

It’s Been Simply Impossible.

Impossible To Let Go.

Impossible To Forgive.

It’s Something I Don’t Believe He’ll Ever Get Over.

And I Know For A Fact It’s Something I’ll Never Get Over.

I Do Still Miss Him.

I Do Still Love Him.

And I Couldn’t Feel More Sorry About It Than I Do.

To This Day…

…I Remain So So Sorry.

Perhaps, One Day, We’ll Meet Again.

And On That Day, Perhaps I’ll Be Able To Come Clean.

To Tell Him How I Felt Then…

…How I Feel Now.

He Deserves To Know The Whole Story.

He Deserves To Know Why I Did What I Did.

I Thought I Was Saving Him By My Walking Away.

All I Did Was Destroy Him.

And…

…In Turn…

…I Destroyed Myself.

So… I Was Informed Last Night That The Only Time I Ramblel Is When I’m Ill…

…And I Suppose I Can Agree With That.

I Do Tend To Ramble And Prattle-On When I Don’t Feel Great.

Sue Me.

My Bad.

BUT…

…Today Came Rather Early, My Peeps.

I Was Up And At ‘Em Before 3AM’ish.

I HATE Being Awake Whilst The World Sleeps.

Makes Me Feel Odd.

Makes Me Feel Like A Failure At Just One More Thing In Life.

Can’t Do Anything Else Right…

…So Why Should My Sleep/Wake-Cycle Be An Different.

I Remember Working “The Night Shift” While In The Navy.

I LOVED IT!

Of Course, My Hours Were Longer Than Everyone Else’s.

They All Worked 0700 To 1900 (7AM To 7PM).

I…

…Along With My Elder Namesake….

…Worked 1800 To 0900 (6PM To 9AM).

Talk About A Bummer Of  A Deal…

…Yet We Were Very VERY Willing To Work The Extra Hours.

You See…

…”The Night Shift” Had One Amazing Quality…

…NO SUPERVISORS.

NO BOSSES Standing Over My Shoulder…

…Criticizing Each And Every Thing I Did.

NO BOSSES To Tell Me What To Do…

…When To Do It…

…How To Do It…

…Etc Etc.

It Was Peaceful.

It Was Painless.

It Was Worth The 15-Hour Shifts.

Who Cares How Long You Work Whilst At Sea?!

EXACTLY, Mr Peeps!

Who Gives A Shit!?!

You Can’t Go Anywhere.

You’re Surrounded By The Sea…

…Or The Ocean…

…Or Wherever We Were At The Time.

I Had To Be There One-Hour Before Everyone Else Got Off Work So I Could Get The “Turn-Over” From My Fellow Journalist Shipmates.

And Then I Couldn’t Leave Until 9AM Because Of “Happy Hour” Which Meant We Had To Clean The Ship For An Hour Each Morning.

I Got Yelled-At Many A Time For Ducking-Out Early And Going To Bed.

No…

…I Was Not A Model Sailor.

I Was A Helluva Journalist…

…Just Not A Sailor.

I Think I’ve Discussed That Before, So I Won’t Go Into It.

I Just Remember Being Told And Told Over And Over Again…

“Brad, You Do A Great Job At This And That, But You’re Not Being A Team-Player, Nor Are You Fulfilling Your Duties As A Sailor On-Board This Ship. Straighten-Up, Fly Right, Or Get Burned.“

Or Something To That Effect.

And Boy Oh Boy Did They Ever Burn Me!

((hahahaahaha))

Oh, Memories.

Why Must You Be So Vivid?!

Sheesh.

😐

This Is Turning Into A Ramble, Isn’t It?!

SEE!!

I Knew It Would.

I Could Ramble For Days-On-End About The Navy And My Experiences.

Slowly, But Surely, They All Come Back To Me.

They Float To The Surface, So To Speak.

In The End, I Came To Hate Hate HATE My Time In The Navy.

And That’s Sad To Me.

I LOVED The Navy.

I LOVED My Peers And Especially My Friends.

It Was My “Superiors” That Were Intolerable.

Little People Trying To Fill Big Shoes, Ya Know?!

People Whom Were Only In-Charged Because Of Their Time And Rank.

Had They Not Hated Me So Much…

…Honestly…

…I’d Likely Still Be In The Navy.

I Could Have Handled Anything Thrown At Me Had I Had Bosses Whom Were Worth A Shit.

But They Weren’t.

So I’m Not.

Plain And Simple.

ANYWAY…

…I Shall End This Ramble, Here.

Y’all Take Care, Please.

And Be Good When Possible.

I Know…

…It Ain’t Easy.

Hell…

…What In Life Ever Is?

Exactly, My Peeps, Exactly.

Have A Damned Decent Day, Kiddies.

I’m Going To Try Doing The Same.

PEACE, Y’all!!!

😀       😀       😀

“Wow. “LAST RESORT” Was More Like “STAR TREK: UNDERWATER” Than Any Navy I Remember… …And I Liked It.” –BRADLEY ALAN

Yup.

Me.

I Said That.

It Was The First Thing That Popped-Out After The Show Was Over.

That Was My First Processing Of What I’d Seen.

And I Think The “STAR TREK UNIVERSE” Is Pissed They Didn’t Make It An Alien Planet And Call It Like I Saw It.

I So Promise.

They’re Like…

"Dammit, Hanrahan! We Should Have Done That!"

…Like For Real.

I Love My “Trek”…

…I Really Do…

…But That’s Not Why We’re Here.

This Is About The Show They’re Pissed They Didn’t Make.

REMEMBER?!?

Sheesh.

Crazy Kids.

ANYWAY…

…Yeah…

…I Liked It.

“LAST RESORT“

…On The ABC Channel…

…Was An Engaging Show.

I Will Admit A Military Bias.

I Enjoy Watching Navy (And Other Military Related) Films, Docs, Shows, Etc Etc.

Mainly Because I Wanna See What They DID And DID-NOT Get Right.

At Least…

…Based On The Navy I Lived Through.

Sometimes, I See It…

That’s A Whole Other Blog Bloggin’ing, Itself.

…BUT…

“LAST RESORT“

…Was Fun!

It Took Off Really Well.

Kept You Wondering…

…”WTF!?!?”…

…A Lot Of The Time, Which Is A GREAT THING!

I LOVE The Ole Classic…

…”WTF!?!?” !!!

Good Or Bad…

…”WTF!?!?…

…Is Generally An Equalizer With Me.

If I Go “WTF?!?! THIS IS TERRIBLE!”…

…Then It’s Bad.

If I Go “WTF?!?! Awe, NEATO!!”…

…Then It’s Likely Pretty Awesome.

See, There’s A Difference.

Either Way…

…It Makes You Like Something…

…Or Hate Something…

…Just By Being Itself.

Powerful.

SO…

…When This Sub Captain In The Show Fired Off A Nuke…

…Yeah…

…They Had My Attention.

“LAST RESORT“

…Gives Us An Interesting Concept/Storyline/Evolving-Plot  To Work With.

And It Was A PILOT EPISODE.

The First One Always Is.

And They’re Always Problematic.

They Hook Ya…

…Or Sink Ya.

😉

Right?!?

RIGHT!!!

So…

…I’ll Be Back On-Board For Week Two.

We Shall See…

…We Shall See.

As They Say.

Whom Ever They May Be… …Or Have Been… …Or Will Be.

I Dunno How That Stuff Works.

But It’s What They Say.

I’m Just Stoked To Finally Have A Series To Watch.

I HATE Regular TV.

Drives Me Crazy.

I Do Admit Having A Secret Crush On A Certain Show…

…But Whatever.

I’ll Watch This One.

This…

“LAST RESORT“

…Entity, Could Last One Season.

I Hope It At Least Gets That Far.

I Just Wanna Make Sure I’m Going To Find-Out How The Material Ends?

Please?

I Wanna See The End Of The Story.

Don’t Just Cut Our Collective-Asses Off.

We Need To See This Story Through.

I’m Curious!

😀

😉     😀     😉

— “Thanks For Tuning In! Now… Uuupon Requessst…

…“Deadwood”… The Bloggin’ing.” —

— I’ve really Really REALLY Been Rolling This One Around and Around…

I’ve Been Very Unsure How To Proceed With It, Honestly.

A Guy really Really REALLY Does Want To Give His Readers/Audience What THEY Themselves really Really REALLY Want…

…and I Do Feel The Need To Make Sure I’m Not CONSTANTLY On About “My Own Thing”.

I AM A Trained Radio DJ…

I DO Know How To Operate In Accordance With The Wants/Needs/Desires…

… … ya know… of Those I’m Attempting To Show I AM Capable Of Doing This.

So…

What Better Way Than By “Taking A Request”, Eh?

Eh Indeed. —

“Deadwood”

(R.I.P)

(March 21, 2004 – August 27, 2006)

— “Deadwood” was…

Not a Kind, Nor Decent Soul…

Rough-Around-The-Edges…

…ALL of Its Edges…

…And I Did So Love It So.

SO…

Why Not Talk About It For A Moment…

…right?

RIGHT! —

— “Deadwood” was From Creator David Milch…

Who’s Name You May Recall From “Hill Street Blues” AND “NYPD Blue” Fame.

Yeah.

That Guy.

He Knows What He’s Doing.

You Know It.

I Know It.

That’ll Do. —

— “Deadwood” is PACKED-HARD with Brilliancy-ness…

…in It’s Writing…

…in It’s Acting…

…in It’s Sets…

…in It’s Costumes…

…etc…

…etc…

…etc…

… Making It VERY Easy to Get Sucked In…

Hook…

Line…

Sinker…

Pole…

…You May Even Loose Your Whole Tackle-Box.

I’d Think It HIGHLY-Possible.

Period. —

— So…

What Did I Enjoy That I ALSO Would Like to Impart To Y’all in Some Way?

A Very Fair Question, Yes.

Thank You For Asking Me So Nicely.

Much Appreciated, Fo Sho. —

— It’s Pretty Easy, Honestly.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT.

PERIOD. —

— For ME…

ME Personally…

That’s THE CORE of ALL GREAT STORIES.

PERIOD (again).

If You’ve Got a Story To Tell…

And You Want To Tell It WELL…

No…

Not Just WELL…

SATISFYINGLY-WELL…

Then You MUST MUST MUST Take The Time…

…if You’ve Got The Time…

…Though You SHOULD (try to) Make The Time…

To DEVELOP YOUR CHARACTERS.

(another) PERIOD.

Some Shows (TV/Stage/Radio)…

Some Films (Movies/Documentaries/Mockumentaries)…

Some Books (Novels/Short-Stories/Comic-Books)…

…etc…

…etc…

…etc…

Simply “Skimp” You…

…in regard to The Characters of Whatever Tale They’re Telling.

I Sincerely Can’t Stand It.

The Story May Be The Reason WHY You Made The Choice To Tell It…

…but THE CHARACTERS are What Snags ME.

If I Don’t Enjoy The Characters…

I Can Get Around It.

If I Don’t Feel The Characters…

I Can Get Around It, Also.

BUT…

If I Don’t CARE About The Characters…

Then There’s Really ZERO Point In My Watching/Reading/etc…

Whatever The Story Is.

(yet another) PERIOD. —

— (Side-Note) NO, This Doesn’t Work With Hard-News Articles.

I Totally Grant That.

The Characters are a Smaller Part in a Bundle of Those.

The Situations And/Or Impacts to Tend to Dominate That Area of Story-Telling.

This I Know…

…and I Know It VERY Well.

(End-Of-Side-Note) —

— “Deadwood” Didn’t “Skimp” Me…

It Keep Me Involved.

Constantly Involved.

It’s A THREE-Season-Episode.

No Joke, My Peeps.

Episode #1…

…Through Episode #36.

It’s ONE-(nearly)-Fluid-Story.

It All (nearly) Connects in Some Way/Shape/Form/Whatever.

And The Characters (driven by the writing and acting) Fuel said Story. —

— “Deadwood” is Something To Be Watched…

To Be Heard…

To Be Followed…

To Be Understood…

To Be Enjoyed.

(big ole) PERIOD. —

— Yes, My Peeps.

I Do Know I Said A WHOLE-LOT…

While Honestly Not-Saying-Much-Of-Anything.

Yes, My Peeps.

That Was My WHOLE-INTENTION…

Since I’m Trying To Build-It-Up…

Without Revealing Any Tangible-Details.

I Want You To Read How Joy’ish’ler’ly I Talk About “Deadwood”…

And Then I’d Like You To Actually…

…BOTH…

CHECK-IT-OUT…

…AND…

STICK-WITH-IT.

It’s a THREE-Season-Episode…

…remember???

So If ONE–Portion of said THREE-Season-Episode Doesn’t Jolt You…

DON’T STOP!

KEEP GOING!

At The Close Of Episode #36…

…You Will Be ACHING…

…HARD-HARD-HARD For MORE-MORE-MORE…

(biggest) PERIOD (of the bloggin’ing). —

I Sincerely Hope Y’all Enjoy.

Lord Knows I Did.

Over and Over and Over.

And Here’s a Quick-Peak…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X15It4sYLRI&feature=youtu.be

…ya know…

…for those of You Who simply NEED a Peak.

😉