Ladies And Gentlemen…

…”You Jivin‘ Me, Turkey?” Has Just Crossed The 200,000 HITS Mark.

I Said I Wouldn’t Make A Big Deal Out Of Milestones Anymore, AND I’m Not.

But, I Did Feel It At Least Worth Noting.

Wouldn’t You?

SURE YOU WOULD!!!

={200,000}=

!!!
!!! !!! !!!

NICE!!!

Thank You, My Peeps!!!

You Already Know How Much I Appreciate It.

More Work To Come In The Morning.

I’m Inspired, Tonight.

😉

So, Why Is Love So Hard For Me To Handle?

Well, My Peeps…

…I Have A Story To Tell You, And I’m Not Really Sure How To Tell It.

I Have To Take You Back In Time A Bit.

Back To A Time When I Was Fickle.

Back Before I Understood The True Impact…

…The True Meaning Of What Love Really Is.

I’m Taking You Back 10 Years.

Back When My Issues Really Began.

You See, I Dated Someone.

Someone Beautiful…

…Inside AND Outside.

Someone With A Sharp Mind…

…With The Kindest Heart…

…Someone Whom Truly Deserved The Best I Could Give Them.

Regardless Of Any Thing…

…They Deserved The Very Very Best.

They Deserved Better Than I Ever Could Give Them Was What I Eventually Decided.

We Met.

We Hit It Off Immediately.

We Quickly Became A Young Power-Couple.

I Quickly Fell In Love…

…And I Fell Very VERY Hard.

So Quickly And So Hard, In-Fact, That I Became Truly Terrified.

I Admit It, My Peeps, I Was Scared Shitless.

He Was Young.

He Was Physically Strong.

He Was Physically Hot.

He Was Emotionally Strong.

He Was Emotionally Complete.

And I Know He Loved Me.

He Loved Me Like No One Ever Had…

…Like No One Ever Has Since.

And, As I’ve Said, I Was Scared.

I Was Terrified.

And I Held Back.

I Did My Best Never To Tell Him Just How Much I Cared…

…Just How Much I Truly Loved Him.

I Never Let Him Know How Wonderful He Was.

How Special He Was.

How Much I Wanted Him.

How Much I Wanted To Protect Him.

So…

…The Decision Was Made By ME, Of Course.

The Decision Was Made To Spare This Guy.

The Best Way To Protect Him…

…The Best Way To Make Sure I Didn’t Eventually Do As I Always Do And Eventually Hurt Him.

The Decision Made Was To Let Him Go.

To Me, That Was The Best Thing I Could Do For Him.

I Couldn’t Let Him Into My World As I Wanted To…

…So I Did, What I Considered To Be, The Noble Thing.

I Walked Away.

I Pulled The Plug.

Right Or Wrong, That’s How It Eventually Went Down.

I Convinced Him I Wasn’t Happy.

I Convinced Him I Didn’t Really Want To Be With Him.

I Convinced Him I Only Ever Dated Him In The First Place Because I Saw Him As A Virtual Doppelganger To A Previous Love Of Mine.

I Did Everything I Could To Make Sure He Was Convinced I Was Serious.

That I Really Wanted out.

After A Few Tears…

…From Us Both…

…We Separated.

The Break-Up Actually Went Better Than I Expected It To.

We Parted Ways Later That Day.

I Haven’t Seen Him, Face To Face, Since.

But All Of This Was More The Preamble To The Meat Of The Story.

You See…

…Fast Forward A Few Months…

…I’m Sitting At Home.

A Simple, Quiet Evening.

I Was Feeling Tired.

I Was Feeling Lonely.

I Was Feeling Sorry For Myself…

…And For Things I’d Done Or Said.

Then The Phone Rang.

To My Astonishment, It Was Him.

He Was Contacting Me!

My Heart Literally Leaped!

I Couldn’t Have Been More Excited About The Prospect Of Hearing His Voice Again…

…His Sweet, Sweet Voice.

I’d Wanted To Hear His Voice So So Badly…

…I Was Just Too Stubborn To Call Him Myself.

Each Time I’d Considered Doing So, I Talked Myself Out Of It.

But Now…

…This Time…

…Here He Was.

That Phone-Call, Sadly, Would Become A Living Nightmare.

He Was Tearful.

His Voice Was Shaky.

He Was, Quite Frankly, Terrified.

And Then He Laid It On Me.

Shortly After We’d Broken-Up…

…He Did What Most Would Do In His Situation.

He Went Out.

He Partied.

He Had Fun.

He Did What He Could To Get Me Out Of His Head…

…Out Of His Heart.

So He Got Himself Laid.

He Put Me As Far Behind Himself As He Could.

He Was Experiencing Life Again.

And That’s All It Took.

The Phone-Call Wasn’t To Say Hello.

It Wasn’t To Say Hi, How Are You, What’s New.

It Was To Tell Me He’d Just Received Notice That He Was Now HIV+.

Hearing Him Say Those Words Took A Moment To Sink In.

And Then All Could Think To Do Was Cry.

It Nearly Killed Me When I Finally Wrapped My Head Around It All.

It Was My Fault.

My Fault He Felt The Way He Did.

My Fault He Was Put Into That Situation.

My Fault For Thinking With My Head And NOT My Heart.

Had I Listened To My Heart…

…Honestly…

…I Would Never Have Let Him Go.

We Truly Were Very Perfectly Suited To One-Another.

Had I Not Been Such A Chicken-Shit…

…Had I Not Been So Scared Of My Own Feelings…

…Had I Simply Led With My Heart And Emotions…

…This Would Never Have Happened.

It’s A Guilt I’ve Carried With Me For Nearly 10 Years, Now.

I Did Something I Know I Shouldn’t Have…

…For What I Justified As A Justifiable Reason…

…And Instead Of Protecting Him From Myself…

…I Failed To Protect Him From Anything.

I Just Made Things Worse.

I Destroyed His Life.

I Agonize Over This Event To This Very Day.

I Think About It A Lot.

I Think About How Foolish I Was.

I Think About How Much I Really Did Love Him.

I Think About How I Never Told Him How Much I Really Loved Him.

I Can See The Breakup In My Mind To This Day.

I Remember Every Word I Uttered To Him.

I Remember His Tears.

I Remember That Phone-Call.

I Remember His Tears.

I Remember How I Wanted To Curl-Up And Die When The Call Finally Ended.

How Could I Have Done That, My Peeps?

How Could I Have Been So Foolish To Think That My Loving Someone Was Going To Be Their Ultimate Destruction?

Especially Now.

Knowing That Had I Just Told Him Once How Much I Cared…

…How Much I Wanted Him…

…How Much I Needed Him…

…That This Horrid Outcome Would Never Have Happened.

He Would Be Happy AND Healthy.

He Would Be Living The Life He Should Be.

But Because Of My Actions…

…Because I Couldn’t Handle The Extreme Powers Of Real Love…

…I Made The Worst Decision Of My Young Existence.

I Just Wish I Could Fix It.

I Wish I’d Never Let Him Go.

I Wish This Horrid Outcome Had Never Taken Place.

But I Can’t.

I Can’t Change It.

I Can’t Take It Back.

I Just Have To Live With The Knowledge That Had I Been A Real Man…

…Had I Been Honest About My Feelings…

…This Would Never Have Happened.

As I Said…

…He Would Be Happy AND Healthy…

…And I Would Be Guilt Free.

My Life Fell Apart After That.

I Stopped Loving.

Truly Loving.

I Stopped Trusting.

I Stopped Letting People Into My Life.

Not For My Sake…

…But For Theirs.

I Still Miss Him A Lot.

I Still Wonder How He Is…

…How He’s Doing…

…And I Hope He’s Alright.

I Just Hope…

…One Day…

…He’ll Be Able To Forgive Me.

It Would Be Nice To Know.

Even Though I’ll Never Be Able To Forgive Myself.

I Broke His Heart.

And Then I Shattered My Own.

I’ve Regretted My Actions Every Single Day Since.

It’s 10 Years Later…

…Yet I Haven’t Moved On.

It’s Been Simply Impossible.

Impossible To Let Go.

Impossible To Forgive.

It’s Something I Don’t Believe He’ll Ever Get Over.

And I Know For A Fact It’s Something I’ll Never Get Over.

I Do Still Miss Him.

I Do Still Love Him.

And I Couldn’t Feel More Sorry About It Than I Do.

To This Day…

…I Remain So So Sorry.

Perhaps, One Day, We’ll Meet Again.

And On That Day, Perhaps I’ll Be Able To Come Clean.

To Tell Him How I Felt Then…

…How I Feel Now.

He Deserves To Know The Whole Story.

He Deserves To Know Why I Did What I Did.

I Thought I Was Saving Him By My Walking Away.

All I Did Was Destroy Him.

And…

…In Turn…

…I Destroyed Myself.

A Quote And Some Necessary Words… …Ya Know… …Because I Can.

Alright, My Peeps…

…I’m Sure You’ve Noticed A Bit Of A Change AND Change-Back In Regard To My Recent Bloggin’ings.

There, For A Little Bit, I Was Putting Much Much More Of MYSELF Into That Which I’d Written.

Then…

…Rather Suddenly…

…I Pulled Myself Back.

I Had Quickly Felt I Was Putting Too Much Of Me-Me Out There To Y’all.

I Know Putting One’s Self Out There Is Generally Considered Part Of The Game Which We Call “Writing”…

…And I Just Wasn’t Sure Where I Was Going With It All.

I’m Still Not Totally Totally Sure.

We Talked About My Sleep (or lack there-of).

We Talked About My Mental State AND The Personal Difficulties Surrounding Said Mental State.

We Talked About A Lot.

Hell…

…I Talk To Y’all More Than I Talk To My Shrink.

Odd As It May Sound…

…I Was A Lot More Comfortable Telling Y’all What Was Up.

🙂

Alright…

…So What’s This Quote Bid-nass I Eluded To In My Headline?

It’s Actually One Of My Faves…

…And I Felt It’s Something I Should Share With Y’all.

*** *** ***

“THE ARTIST IS NOTHING WITHOUT THE GIFT, BUT THE GIFT IS NOTHING WOTHOUT WORK.“

—ÉMILE ZOLA

*** *** ***

Honestly…

…I Know For A Fact He’s Pretty Much Right.

You Can Be The Best At What You Do…

…But Without Constantly Working At It….

…You’ll Always Have That Looming Cloud Of “Waning-Skills” On Your Horizon.

With The Bulk Of Things In Life…

…One Must Keep At It.

At Least…

…You Do If You Want To Improve And Make Whatever It Is Better And Better.

That’s A Fairly Established Fact, My Peeps.

You Know It.

I Know It.

We Know It.

Do I Have A Gift?!

No.

Not Really.

If I Do Have A Gift, It’s The Gift Of “LOVING TO WRITE”…

…Whether I’m Good At It, Or Not.

Do I Have A Painstakingly Cultivated Skill That’s Taken Me Many MANY Years To Merely Get This Far-Along?

Yes.

Yes I Do.

Am I Satisfied With The Results Of Said Cultivation?

No.

No I’m Not.

Why?!

Because That’s The Other Side Of The Coin.

One With This Sort Of Skill Can NEVER Be Totally Satisfied.

Never Never Never Ever Never.

You Can’t Be.

It’s Personal Evolution, My Peeps.

We Keep The Same That Which We Can…

…And We Must Work At Bettering The Rest.

I’ve Been Tinkering With Writing Since The Age Of 3-Years-Old.

I Simply Love Telling Stories.

Whether It Be Fiction, Or Not.

Whether It Be A Review Of Something, Or A Non-Review Review.

Whether It Be (almost) Telling A Humorous Anecdote, Or (almost) Telling A Joke.

Whether It Be Playing Off Of The Quotation Of Another Person.

Each One Requires A Different Type Of Mindset…

…And Therefore A Different Style Of Writing Is Called-For.

If You Do Everything The Same Way, You’re Likely Bound For Eventual Failure.

Granted…

…Eventual Failure Is Part Of Our Community Called Writing.

Not Every Piece You Write Is Going To Be Widely Accepted, Nor Hailed As A Victory.

And All Of This Comes About Through Hard Work, And Determination.

The Skill Of Writing Is Important.

But There Are Other Skills Involved.

And They’re Different For Each And Every Person.

What Motivates One Doesn’t Necessarily Motivate Another.

SO…

…I Want You To Know I DO Plan To Dig A Bit Deeper Inside Myself.

I Want To Be Able To Tackle Any AND Every Topic That Pops Into My Head, Regardless Of How Odd, Or Crazy, It Sounds.

I Want To Be Able To Show-Off My Skills…

…And I Want To Be Able To Continue Evolving My Personal Style.

Evolution…

…In Every Sense Of The Word…

…Is What We’re Chasing Here.

Like They Say…

"Always The Same... ...Always Changing."

That’s How I Feel Abouy This…

…This Writing Bid-nass.

It Can’t Take You Very Far If It’s Just Like Everyone Else’s…

…Nor Can It Take You Very Far If You Don’t Put Yourself Into It.

You Simply Must Must MUST, My Peeps.

And I Will Be.

I Must Must Must.

You Can Win The Hearts And Minds Of A Few Peeps If You Churn-Out The Same-Ole-Same-Ole…

…But I Don’t Want That.

I Want To Win The Hearts And Minds Of A Larger Swath Of Peeps Because They Truly Enjoy What I’m Doing.

And I Sincerely Think People Respect An Artist More-So When Said Artist Is Doing Things A Little Differently Than The Rest Of The Pack.

I Can’t Think About It In Any-Other-Way.

And You Really Shouldn’t, Either.

One MUST To Bring Something New To The Table.

Period.

And I Think I Will.

😀

😉

My 10-Hour Psych-Eval or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Accept I’m A Mental Headcase

Good Morning, My Peeps.

What’s New In The Clean World, As They Say?!

Yeah.

Sounds About Right To Me.

So…

…As The Title Of This Piece Suggests…

…Or States…

…Or Whatever…

…I Spent 10-HOURS Of My Monday Sitting In An Office…

…Answering Question After Question…

…With Each Answer Spawning More Questions…

…And More Questions…

…And More Answers…

…And Yet More Questions…

…And On And On And On.

😐

We Talked About The Hot, Horrid Mess That Was My Childhood…

…Focusing Mainly On Traumatic Experiences That Have (likely) Shaped The Man I Am Today.

We Talked About My Inability To Conform.

My Struggles To “Fit-In” Anywhere.

The Friends I’ve Made.

Why I Made Those Few Friends In The First Place.

The Friends I’ve Lost.

Why I Lost Said Friends.

We Talked About My Plans For The Future…

…Or If I Honestly Had Any Real Plans For Any Type Of Future…

…And On…

…And On…

…And On And On And On.

😐

We Talked About My Time In The Navy.

The Good Things About It.

The Horrid Things About It.

Why I Was Discharged Early.

How I Felt About That.

How That (likely) Did Shape The Man I Am.

My Sleep/Insomnia Issues.

The Eval, Honestly, Seemed To Drag On…

…And On…

…And On And On…

…More Questions…

…More Answers…

…Begat More Questions…

…Begat More Answers.

😦

Honestly, My Peeps…

…I’ve Never Felt More Internally Exposed.

My Life History…

…Broken Down Before Me…

…Into 10-HOURS Of Q&A.

It Was, By FAR, The Most Comprehensive Mental Evaluation Of My 30’ish-Year Existence.

When It Was Finally Over…

…I Was So Drained I Could Hardly Stand-Up.

Lucky For Me…

…The Eval Took Place About 10-Blocks Away From My Home.

I Felt Sick.

I Was Nauseated.

I Had A Headache Direct From Hell’s Half-Acre.

I Felt Torn-Open…

…All Of My Guarded Skeletons Now Released Out Into The World…

…And Now A Part Of Record.

You Can’t Sincerely Know How It Felt Until You’ve Done It.

You Simply Can’t, My Peeps.

😦

It Was Grueling.

It Was Embarrassing.

It Was Humiliating.

It Was Irritating.

It Was Exhausting.

It Was Enraging.

It Was Draining.

It Was Helpful.

It Was (HOPEFULLY) Worth It.

😐

It Really Was The Most Difficult Q&A Session Of My Life.

Half-Way Into It…

…You Can Easily Imagine…

…I Was Ready To Get-Up And Leave And Just Go Home.

She Pulled Things Out Of Me…

(Mentally And Emotionally Speaking)

…I’d Been Repressing Most Of My Life.

She Got Me To Admit I’d Been Molested By A Former Neighbor.

She Got Me To Admit I’d Suffered Multiple Concussions From Major Head-Traumas.

She Got Me To Admit My Lack Of True Emotions In Some Cases…

…And Truly Overt Emotions In Others.

She Got Me To Talk About How I Used To Get Into Fights With My Peers In School…

…And How People Started Leaving Me Alone Because I Was Too Unpredictable.

She Got Me To, As I’ve Said,  Talk About Why I Was Discharged Early From The Navy…

…And How I Was Hazed/Bullied/Pressured Into Signing My Name To The Confession I Was Prompted To Draft At The Time.

She Got Me To Admit How I Felt When I Was Sent To The Brig…

…Placed In Solitary Confinement…

…And Put On Rations Of Bread And Water For THREE (3) Days.

She Got Me To Actually Talk About My Auditory-Hallucinations.

My Extreme Paranoia.

My Lack Of Sympathy And Empathy Toward Others.

The Woman Was Very Good At Her Job.

In The End…

…However…

…In Handing Down Her Diagnosis…

…She Told Me Nothing I Didn’t Really Already Know.

A.D.H.D.

Depression.

Schizophrenia.

Personality Disorder.

Underlying, Unresolved Trauma.

Sociopathic Tendencies.

 All Things I Could Have Just Told Her When I Walked Into Her Office.

BUT…

…Her Job Was To Confirm The Diagnosis Of Other Doctors…

…AND To Make Her Own Diagnosis.

And Boy OH Boy Was She Thorough.

😐

Needless To Say…

…I’m Just Glad It’s Over.

I Was Honestly Hoping Beyond Hope I’d Sleep Better Tonight.

As You Can Easily See…

…That Didn’t Happen.

Another Night Of Around 3’ish Hours Of Actual Sleep.

BUT…

…That’s Why I’m Writing To Y’all Right Now.

I Figured MAYBE If I Got All Of This Out Into The Open, My Mind Would Calm-Down…

…Relax…

…And Possibly Allow Me To Get Back To Sleep.

Is This Helping Me Relax?

Yes.

Some.

Do I Feel As Though I Could Get Back To Sleep?

No.

Not Really.

Am I Glad I’m Sharing This With You?

Yes.

Somewhat.

😐

Why Just “Somewhat”???

Because One Never Knows How Others Will React To Hearing Certain Things…

…And I Don’t Want Y’all, My Peeps, To Be Uncomfortable With What I’m Saying.

This Really Was Something I Sincerely Wanted To Get Off Of My Chest…

…So Perhaps I’m A Touch More Than “Somewhat” Glad I’m Sharing This With Y’all.

You Cats And Kittens Are Okay By Me…

…And I Wanted To Try (potentially) Connecting With Y’all A Bit More.

🙂

Am I A Mental Headcase?

Yes.

Is That Now A “Fact” Of Record?

Yes.

Am I Going To Let It Affect What I Do Here?

Hopefully Not.

Do I Love Being Able To Talk With Y’all?

More Than You’d Believe.

Are My Eyes A Touch Weepy, And Do I Need To Shut-Up For The Moment?

Yes AND Yes.

Am I Willing To Answer Some Questions From Y’all?

Sure…

…Some.

Will I Be As Open And Honest With Y’all As I Was With Her?

I Don’t Know.

Is This A Good Place To End This?

Yeah…

…I Think So.

L8r L8r, My Peeps.

And Thank You Again For Listening Reading.

🙂