Engaged Twice… …But Still Single.

That’s Right, My Peeps.

Yours Truly Has Been Ready To Tie-The-Knot…

Not ONCE

But TWICE.

At Least, I’ve Asked Two Different People To Marry Me.

The First Was An Impossibility.

She Knew It.

I Knew It.

But, It Happened Nevertheless.

Is She Better-Off Without Me?

Oh, Most Definitely.

She Was Younger.

She Was Hotter.

She Was A Jock.

Yet, She Was So Tender AND Loving.

She Lit-Up A Room Upon Entering.

She Made Everyone Smile.

She Made My Friends Pat Me On The Back Saying…

Well Done, Sir. Well Done, Indeed.

As It Turned-Out, However, I Was NOT What She Was Looking For.

The Engagement…

…Which Was Made Through A Phone-Call…

…Lasted Almost Exactly TWO (2) Months.

Not A Lot Of Time, I Grant That.

But Those Were Two Very Special Months.

For The First Time In My Life, I Sincerely Felt As Though I Belonged.

I Had The Gal Of My Dreams, And Nothing Was Going To Take That Away From Me.

Nothing Except Her, Of Course.

She Broke-Off The Engagement.

That Part Stung A Bit, But I Understood.

Just THREE (3) Days Later, However, She Broke-Off The Entire Relationship.

That Part Stung More Than A Bit.

It Was The Only Time In My Life I Could Easily Say I Felt Something For A Member Of The Fairer-Sex.

After She And I Ended Our Union, I Totally Gave-Up On Trying To Date Women.

I Could Never Do Better Than Her, That’s Fo SHO.

When You’ve Had The Best, Why Deal With The Rest?

Of Course, While She And I Were On-The-Rocks, I Was Also Seeing A Fellow Shipmate On The Side.

He Was Slightly My Elder.

He Was Slightly Taller.

He Was Slightly More Attractive.

He Was Priceless, Honestly.

When I Told Him My Girl Had Finally Become Fed-Up With The Whole “Long Distance” Thing, His Response Was Muted.

Well, Hell, It Happens.

That Was The Most I Could Get Out Of Him In This Regard.

He Knew I Wasn’t Like The Rest.

He Knew That, While Personally Disheartening, The Break-Up Wouldn’t Do Much Harm.

He Knew What I Was.

I Didn’t.

But, He Did.

I Was Still In My Total Denial Phase.

You’ve Been Through One, Before.

We All Have.

Not About The Same Thing, No…

…But About Something.

There’s Always A Part Of Ourselves We’re Not Pleased With.

Something We Deny, And Continue To Deny.

We’ll Deny It Until We’re Forced To Do Otherwise.

It Took Another TWO (2) YEARS Before I Finally Came To Grips With My Denial.

I Maintained It As Long As I Could.

I Fought A Good Fight.

In The End…

…I Lost The Battle To Myself.

Hey, It Happens.

Such Is Life.

The Second Time I Was Engaged, The Circumstances Were Much, MUCH Different.

This Was Someone I’d Dated A While.

A Long While.

BUT…

…I Knew I Was Ready.

I Knew Whom I Wanted…

…And Exactly What I Wanted.

So, I Asked.

And He Said “YES“!!!

I Was Shocked AND Amazed.

I Didn’t Expect The “YES“, Actually.

I Expected The “Well, You’re A Great Guy, BUT…” Speech.

But, That Didn’t Happen.

Instead, I Was Suddenly Engaged For The Second Time.

Except, This Time, I Was Simply Sure Sure SURE It Was Going To Work-Out.

We’d Been Together For Over 2-Years At That Point.

It Felt Like A Very Safe Bet, And I Was Ready.

I Was Ready To Take The Plunge And Simply Go For It.

It Wasn’t Long Afterward The Proverbial Rug Was Ripped From Under Me.

He Broke-Off The Engagement…

…And Then The Relationship.

I Wanted To Cry.

I Wanted To Show How Much It Hurt.

But, I Didn’t.

I Just Sucked-It-Up.

I Carried-On.

I Will Say This…

…If I Ever Need To Escape A Relationship…

…All I Really Need To Do Is Ask The Person To Marry Me.

In Fact, I’d Likely Be Single Again Before The End Of The Day.

Is It Me?

Am I The Reason They Duck-Out?

Or, Is It Something Else?

Perhaps It’s Thoughts Of The Future?

Our Future?

Could YOU Handle Marrying Someone You Already Knew Had Mental Difficulties???

That Could Turn-Out To Be The Question Of The Day.

Could YOU Handle It, My Peeps?

Could YOU See Yourself Loving Someone Like That?

Someone Who Spends Most Of His Time In A Dark, Sullen Mood?

Someone Who Always Sees The Negative BEFORE He Sees Anything Positive?

Could You?

Could You Handle It?

It’s A Valid Question, My Peeps.

It’s One Where I’m Very, VERY Curious About The Answer.

So... Are YOU Jivin Me -questionmark-

I Ran Across This Quotation Last Night…

And It Felt Very VERY Relevant To What I’ve Been Doing Of Late.

The Man Who Writes About Himself AND His Own Time Is The Only Man Who Writes About All People AND About All Time.”

GEORGE BERNARD SHAW

I May Not See It Exactly As SHAW Had, But I Get The Gist Of What He Was Saying.

I Write About Myself, Mainly, Because I’m What I Know.

A Person MUST Write What They Know, And I’m The One Subject I Know The Best.

Sometimes, I Wish I Didn’t Know Myself So Well.

Sometimes, I Wish I Could Just Turn It All Off.

As Kids, My Brother Had A Standing Order For Xmas Or Birthday Gifts.

He Wanted ARemote Controlled BradleySo He CouldTurn Him Off!!!

😦

I’m Not Even Joking There, My Peeps.

That’s Exactly What He Wanted.

People Have Wanted To Turn Me Off The Bulk Of My Life.

It Comes With The Territory.

It Goes HandNHand With Mental Illness.

No One Knows How To Fix You

Yet Everyone Wants To.

Even Little Brothers.

So, What Can I Say Toward That?

Honestly, Not Much.

I Do Wish I Had An Off-Switch.

It Would Have Come In Handy Many, Many Times.

But, Alas, I Do Not.

So, Now What?!

Help Me Here, My Peeps.

What’s Up?

What’s The Story?

What’s The Scoop??

What Can I Do???

It’s Just A Bit After 5AM

Yet, Here I Sit…

Talking To Y’all

Wishing I Had More To Honestly Say.

Everything I Want To Say, I Can’t.

Everything I Want To Do, I Can’t.

So, Where Does That Leave Us?

If You Said Right Back Where We Started You’d Be Very Much Correct.

I’m Tired.

I Feel Used-Up.

I Feel Worn-Out.

Maybe I Should Try Going Back To Bed?

Well, I Would If I Knew It Would Be A Positive.

But, It Wouldn’t Be.

It’d Just Be More Of The Same.

Tossing.

Turning.

BlanklyStaring.

I Just Don’t Know, My Peeps.

I Sincerely Don’t Know.

I Do Know I Don’t Write For All People

Nor For All Time.

I’m Just Here.

I’m Just Me.

I’m Just Writing What Feels Right.

Even Though, Sometimes, It’s Very VERY Wrong.

I Hate My Brain.

I Hate My Heart.

I Hate Everything About Myself.

Why?

Because, I Don’t Function Properly.

I Can Be The Nicest, Most Charming Person Around.

And, Then, In The Same Breath, I Can Be Malicious.

I Can Be Cruel.

I Can Be Evil.

Life’s Funny That Way, I Suppose.

Is It Funny I Find That Funny?

Is It Wrong?

Is It In Bad-Taste?

I Just Don’t Know.

I Do Know It’s Time To End This Ramble.

I’m Just Not Feeling It.

I StartedOut Shaky On The Subject

And I Remain So.

So, I’ll Just Shut-Up.

Perhaps Later I’ll Be More Able To Convey My Thoughts And Feelings.

Right Now

Both MY MIND And MY HEART Are In A Very Dark Place.

Trying To Work When I’m Like This Is Generally A Bad Thing.

Nothing Good Has Ever Come Of It

And I Don’t See Any Good Coming Anytime Soon.

Perhaps Later?

Perhaps.

So... Are YOU Jivin Me -questionmark-

How Important Is FORGIVENESS???

In Short

It Means The World At That Time.

The Point I Wish To Make With This Post Is That FORGIVENESS May Mean Life.

At Least, Now It Does.

I Was Forgiven For An Exceptional Injustice.

I Was Shocked.

I Was Amazed.

I Didn’t Feel I Deserved It

But I Got It.

To Be Forgiven By Another Is One Thing.

To Forgive One’s Self Is Totally Another.

He Forgave Me, Yet I Can’t Seem To Do The Same For Myself.

I Wish I Could Go Back.

I Wish I Could Stop What I Did Before It Ever Happened.

(((Side Note: I'd Cry, But I'm So Sick Right Now I Can Barely Write.)))

I Was So SO Foolish, And He Deserved Sooo Much More.

Much Better Than I Gave Him.

I Know The Eventual Outcome Wasn’t My Fault.

It Was A Moment Of Pure Stupidity On His Part.

But, That Doesn’t Change How I Feel.

I Wish It Did, But It Didn’t.

I’ve Been Sick, Since.

Since The Forgiveness.

It Just Doesn’t Feel Right.

I Wish He’d Ripped Me A New One.

I Wish He’d Dropped The Bomb On Me.

But, He Didn’t.

He Told Me I Shouldn’t Feel The Blame.

He Told Me That ItΒ  Wasn’t My Fault.

That It’s Nothing I Should Ever Worry Myself About.

But, I Can’t Do That.

I Try Try TRY

But I Can’t Do It.

God How I Wish I Could.

I Think My Life Would Be A Lot Different Had I Sucked-It-Up And Carried-On.

But, I Didn’t.

I Let It Eat At Me.

I Let It Destroy Me.

I Let It

I Let it

I Let It.

Ya Know What, Screw This Post.

I Have So Much I Want To Say

Yet Know I’ll Never Be Able To.

So I’ll End This Here.

Just Know, My Peeps, That You Are Loved AND Cared About Deeply.

If I’ve Wronged You

I’m Sorry.

I Tend To Rub People The Wrong Way, Which Is Why I’m Apologizing.

I Can Only Hope That

With TIMEΒ  And PATIENCE

I’ll Be Able To Get Beyond All Of This.

This Blog Post Is Evidence Of That.

I’m Trying To Move Beyond This, Kids.

Perhaps, One Day, I’ll Be Able To Do So.

Perhaps.

So... Are YOU Jivin Me -questionmark-

A 12-Song Music Mix I’ve Been Using For Mental / Physical / Emotional Time-Outs

If I Learned Anything From My Upbringing, It’s That Time-Outs Are Essential To Life At Times.

When The Things You’re Doing, Working-On, Etc Etc, Are Getting Tooo Personally Pressing, Or Possibly Worse, It’s Time For A Time-Out.

For ME…

…Time-Outs Were Originally Used As A Punishment.

Being ADHD Out-The-Ass…

…I Found Them Excruciating.

Sit Down.

Be Quiet.

No Doing Nothing.

No TV.

No Music.

No Video Games.

No Books.

No Nothing.

Just Sit There.

They Never Lasted Longer Than 15-Minutes, But Those Were The Worst 15-Minutes In History Each And Every Time They Were Experienced.

Now, However, They Are An Essential Tool In Learning Something…

…Anything.

At Least, Anything Deemed Important Enough To Truly Truly Remember Remember.

Period.

Now My Time-Outs Include Music.

With That One Little Tweak, I Totally Revolutionized The Whole Concept Of Personal Time-Outs For ME/MYSELF.

So, Here’s My Current Time-Out Music Mix.

… …

((#1))

DANGEROUS

Personal Jesus and Dangerous Single Edition (via Amazon.com)

by DEPECHE MODE

πŸ˜€

((#2))

A KIND OF MAGIC

Queen_A_Kind_Of_Magic_(song) (via Wikipedia)

by QUEEN

πŸ˜€

((#3))

WHERE IT’S AT

Beck - Odelay (via Wikipedia)

by BECK

πŸ˜€

((#4))

BATTLE FOR THE SUN

Battlecover (via Wikipedia)

by PLACEBO

πŸ˜€

((#5))

THE OLD MAN DOWN THE ROAD

fogerty-centerfield (via retro-cafe.com)

by JOHN FOGERTY

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((#6))

STUCK IN THE MIDDLE WITH YOU

Stealersalbum (via Wikipedia)

by STEALERS WHEEL

πŸ˜€

((#7))

WHO CAN IT BE NOW?

Men At Work - Business As Usual (1981) (via Amazon.com)

by MEN AT WORK

πŸ˜€

((#8))

TANGO IN THE NIGHT

Fleetwood_Mac_-_Tango_in_the_Night (via Wikipedia)

by FLEETWOOD MAC

πŸ˜€

((#9))

THUNDERSTRUCK

Razorsedge (via Wikipedia)

by AC/DC

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((#10))

YOU’VE GOT ANOTHER THING COMIN’

Judas_Priest_SforV (via Wikipedia)

by JUDAS PRIEST

πŸ˜€

((#11))

RUNNING SCARED

The Essential ROY ORBISON (via Amazon.com)

by ROY ORBISON

πŸ˜€

((#12))

WHEN THE BODY SPEAKS

Exciter (album) (via Wikipedia)

by DEPECHE MODE

πŸ˜€

πŸ˜€Β Β Β Β Β Β  πŸ˜€

πŸ˜€Β Β Β Β Β Β  πŸ˜€Β Β Β Β Β Β  πŸ˜€

So What Do You Think, My Peeps?!

Would That Mix Relax You And Put A Smile On Your Face?

It Mainly Works For Me, Which Is Generally Good Enough.

Music DOES Save Lives.

Period.

Always Has.

Always Will.

At Least, I Would HOPE So.

Wouldn’t You?!

SURE YOU WOULD!!

πŸ˜‰Β Β Β Β Β Β  πŸ˜€Β Β Β Β Β Β  πŸ˜‰

πŸ™‚

My 10-Hour Psych-Eval or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Accept I’m A Mental Headcase

Good Morning, My Peeps.

What’s New In The Clean World, As They Say?!

Yeah.

Sounds About Right To Me.

So…

…As The Title Of This Piece Suggests…

…Or States…

…Or Whatever…

…I Spent 10-HOURS Of My Monday Sitting In An Office…

…Answering Question After Question…

…With Each Answer Spawning More Questions…

…And More Questions…

…And More Answers…

…And Yet More Questions…

…And On And On And On.

😐

We Talked About The Hot, Horrid Mess That Was My Childhood…

…Focusing Mainly On Traumatic Experiences That Have (likely) Shaped The Man I Am Today.

We Talked About My Inability To Conform.

My Struggles To “Fit-In” Anywhere.

The Friends I’ve Made.

Why I Made Those Few Friends In The First Place.

The Friends I’ve Lost.

Why I Lost Said Friends.

We Talked About My Plans For The Future…

…Or If I Honestly Had Any Real Plans For Any Type Of Future…

…And On…

…And On…

…And On And On And On.

😐

We Talked About My Time In The Navy.

The Good Things About It.

The Horrid Things About It.

Why I Was Discharged Early.

How I Felt About That.

How That (likely) Did Shape The Man I Am.

My Sleep/Insomnia Issues.

The Eval, Honestly, Seemed To Drag On…

…And On…

…And On And On…

…More Questions…

…More Answers…

…Begat More Questions…

…Begat More Answers.

😦

Honestly, My Peeps…

…I’ve Never Felt More Internally Exposed.

My Life History…

…Broken Down Before Me…

…Into 10-HOURS Of Q&A.

It Was, By FAR, The Most Comprehensive Mental Evaluation Of My 30’ish-Year Existence.

When It Was Finally Over…

…I Was So Drained I Could Hardly Stand-Up.

Lucky For Me…

…The Eval Took Place About 10-Blocks Away From My Home.

I Felt Sick.

I Was Nauseated.

I Had A Headache Direct From Hell’s Half-Acre.

I Felt Torn-Open…

…All Of My Guarded Skeletons Now Released Out Into The World…

…And Now A Part Of Record.

You Can’t Sincerely Know How It Felt Until You’ve Done It.

You Simply Can’t, My Peeps.

😦

It Was Grueling.

It Was Embarrassing.

It Was Humiliating.

It Was Irritating.

It Was Exhausting.

It Was Enraging.

It Was Draining.

It Was Helpful.

It Was (HOPEFULLY) Worth It.

😐

It Really Was The Most Difficult Q&A Session Of My Life.

Half-Way Into It…

…You Can Easily Imagine…

…I Was Ready To Get-Up And Leave And Just Go Home.

She Pulled Things Out Of Me…

(Mentally And Emotionally Speaking)

…I’d Been Repressing Most Of My Life.

She Got Me To Admit I’d Been Molested By A Former Neighbor.

She Got Me To Admit I’d Suffered Multiple Concussions From Major Head-Traumas.

She Got Me To Admit My Lack Of True Emotions In Some Cases…

…And Truly Overt Emotions In Others.

She Got Me To Talk About How I Used To Get Into Fights With My Peers In School…

…And How People Started Leaving Me Alone Because I Was Too Unpredictable.

She Got Me To, As I’ve Said, Β Talk About Why I Was Discharged Early From The Navy…

…And How I Was Hazed/Bullied/Pressured Into Signing My Name To The Confession I Was Prompted To Draft At The Time.

She Got Me To Admit How I Felt When I Was Sent To The Brig…

…Placed In Solitary Confinement…

…And Put On Rations Of Bread And Water For THREE (3) Days.

She Got Me To Actually Talk About My Auditory-Hallucinations.

My Extreme Paranoia.

My Lack Of Sympathy And Empathy Toward Others.

The Woman Was Very Good At Her Job.

In The End…

…However…

…In Handing Down Her Diagnosis…

…She Told Me Nothing I Didn’t Really Already Know.

A.D.H.D.

Depression.

Schizophrenia.

Personality Disorder.

Underlying, Unresolved Trauma.

Sociopathic Tendencies.

Β All Things I Could Have Just Told Her When I Walked Into Her Office.

BUT…

…Her Job Was To Confirm The Diagnosis Of Other Doctors…

…AND To Make Her Own Diagnosis.

And Boy OH Boy Was SheΒ Thorough.

😐

Needless To Say…

…I’m Just Glad It’s Over.

I Was Honestly Hoping Beyond Hope I’d Sleep Better Tonight.

As You Can Easily See…

…That Didn’t Happen.

Another Night Of Around 3’ish Hours Of Actual Sleep.

BUT…

…That’s Why I’m Writing To Y’all Right Now.

I Figured MAYBE If I Got All Of This Out Into The Open, My Mind Would Calm-Down…

…Relax…

…And Possibly Allow Me To Get Back To Sleep.

Is This Helping Me Relax?

Yes.

Some.

Do I Feel As Though I Could Get Back To Sleep?

No.

Not Really.

Am I Glad I’m Sharing This With You?

Yes.

Somewhat.

😐

Why Just “Somewhat”???

Because One Never Knows How Others Will React To Hearing Certain Things…

…And I Don’t Want Y’all, My Peeps, To Be Uncomfortable With What I’m Saying.

This Really Was Something I Sincerely Wanted To Get Off Of My Chest…

…So Perhaps I’m A Touch More Than “Somewhat” Glad I’m Sharing This With Y’all.

You Cats And Kittens Are Okay By Me…

…And I Wanted To Try (potentially) Connecting With Y’all A Bit More.

πŸ™‚

Am I A Mental Headcase?

Yes.

Is That Now A “Fact” Of Record?

Yes.

Am I Going To Let It Affect What I Do Here?

Hopefully Not.

Do I Love Being Able To Talk With Y’all?

More Than You’d Believe.

Are My Eyes A Touch Weepy, And Do I Need To Shut-Up For The Moment?

Yes AND Yes.

Am I Willing To Answer Some Questions From Y’all?

Sure…

…Some.

Will I Be As Open And Honest With Y’all As I Was With Her?

I Don’t Know.

Is This A Good Place To End This?

Yeah…

…I Think So.

L8r L8r, My Peeps.

And Thank You Again For Listening Reading.

πŸ™‚