“…Left Alone With Just A Memory… Life Seems Dead… And So Unreal…”

…All That’s Left Is Loneliness…

…There’s Nothing Left To Feel…

DUSTY SPRINGFIELD (1939-1999)

…You Don’t Have To Say You Love Me…

…Just Be Close At Hand…

…You Don’t Have To Stay Forever…

…I Will Understand…

…Believe Me…

…Believe Me. …

"YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY YOU LOVE ME" by Dusty Springfield

…You Don’t Have To Say You Love Me…

…Just Be Close At Hand…

…You Don’t Have To Stay Forever…

…I Will Understand…

…Believe Me…

…Believe Me…

…Believe Me.

*** *** *** *** *** *** ***

*** *** ***

So, My Peeps…

…I Suppose It’s Very Easy To Tell Of Late…

“My Mind Is In A Weird Place”

…And…

“My Heart Is In An Even WEIRDER Place”

.Period.

I’ve Been Struggling A Lot Of Late.

And YES…

…”A Lot” Is A TRUE TRUE TRUE…

…UNDERSTATEMENT…

…From The Bowels Of A Hell I Don’t Even Believe In.

.PERIOD PERIOD PERIOD.

I’ve Always Struggled With Emotions.

BOTH…

…My Emotions…

…And…

…Other People’s Emotions.

For The Most Part…

…I Sincerely DO NOT Understand Them.

Being Into My 30s Now…

…I’m Beginning To Wonder If I Ever Honestly WILL Understand Them.

I Talk A Lot, At Times, About Personal Failure.

Being An EXPERT Within The Subject…

…It Tends To Find Its Own Way Into A Lot Of My Work.

What I Shy Away From In My Work…

…Is The Foreknowledge That MOST Of My Personal Failures DO NOT Happen At Random.

They’re Planned.

Coldly.

Calculatedly.

Intricately.

Personal Failures I Bring Upon Myself…

…And Done So In Such Ways That I APPEAR To Be Yet Another “Victim Of Circumstance.”

All The While…

…I’m The One Setting The Circumstances In Motion.

No One Else.

Just Me.

I Sabotage My Work.

I Sabotage My Relationships.

I Sabotage My Friendships.

I Sabotage My Love Interests.

I Sabotage My Love Conquests.

I Sabotage Myself.

Some Is Done To Prove A Point To Other People.

Some Is Done To Prove A Point To Myself.

But It’s ALL PERSONAL SABOTAGE.

The Questions I Continue To Ask Myself Are…

“WTF, BRADLEY?!?!?!?!”

“WTF ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!?!”

“WTF ARE YOU THINKING?!?!?!?!”

“WHY MUST IT ALWAYS BE THIS WAY, BRADLEY?!?!?!?!”

 “WHY FORCE YOURSELF TO SUFFER?!?!?!?!”

“WHY TAKE EVERYTHING UPON YOUR OWN SHOULDERS?!?!?!?!”

“WHY SET-YOURSELF-UP FOR CONSTANT FAILURE?!?!?!?!”

“WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?!?!?!?!”

My Answer Is Always The Same.

To Every Question Asked Of Myself…

…I Give Myself The Same Response…

“BECAUSE YOU FUCKING DESERVE IT, THAT’S WHY!!!!!!!!”

“You’ve Caused So Much Pain!!!!!!!!”

“You’ve Caused So Much Hardship!!!!!!!!”

“You’ve Hurt So Many Along The Way, How Can You NOT Punish Yourself In The Only Way You Honestly Know How?!?!?!?!

I Have Friends.

I Never See Them.

I Have Family.

I’d Rather Not See Most Of Them.

I’m In And Out Of Relationships.

I’ve Yet To See A Point In Maintaining Any Of Them.

Can A Person Fail So Much At So Much That…

…When It Comes Down To The Brass-Tacks…

…The Failure Is The Part Said Person Clings To…

…And…

…The Failure Becomes The Only Part Of ANY Of It That Ever Truly Seems/Appears/FEELS Real???

I Can’t Name One Person…

…Who Truly Is Part Of MY REAL WORLD…

…That I Haven’t Hurt…

…Or Fucked-Over…

…Or Lost…

…In Some Way…

…Some Shape…

…Some Form.

Not A One.

Not A Single Fucking One.

I’m The Guy You Trust…

…When You Realize You Can’t Trust Anyone Else…

…And Then You End-Up Not Trusting Me…

…Because I’ll Find Someway To Ruin Whatever It Is.

*** ***

The Sleepless Nights Are Mounting.

One

TWO

TEN

TWENTY

I’ve Lost Count, Now.

I’ve Suffered From Chronic-Insomnia My Entire Life.

Even Something As Simple As Sleep Alludes Me.

Is That Yet Another Personal-Failure I’ve Brought-Upon Myself???

They Say GUILTY PEOPLE Have GUILTY CONSCIENCES.

If That’s A TRUE Statement…

…Then I Know EXACTLY WHY I Don’t Sleep.

I Don’t Have The Ability To Forgive.

I’ve NEVER…

…EVER…

…HONESTLY…

…TRULY…

…FORGIVEN ANYONE…

…FOR ANYTHING…

…THAT’S EVER BEEN DONE TO ME…

…And…

…LIKEWISE TOWARD MYSELF.

I Remember EVERY HORRIBLE THING…

…That EVERYONE…

…EVERYWHERE…

…Has EVER DONE TO ME.

And In That Same Vein…

…I’ve NEVER…

…EVER…

…FORGIVEN MYSELF…

…For ANYTHING I’ve EVER DONE…

…That Caused PAIN Or SUFFERING To Another.

And My Little (not-so-little) List Continues To Grow AND Grow…

…Hour After Hour…

…Day After Day…

…YEAR After YEAR.

And I Don’t Know How To Stop It.

I Don’t Know How To Change It.

I Don’t Know I Don’t Know I Don’t Know

!!! !!! !!!

I’m Into My EIGHTH (8TH) Relationship, Now.

And I Fear I’m Going To See The Ending Of That Sooner Than Anyone Thinks.

WHY???

Because He’s A Better PERSON Than I’ve Yet Ever Dealt With.

And He Deserves Better Than Someone Like Me.

In The End…

…He’ll End-Up Hurt/Hurting.

And I’ll End-Up Resenting.

Resenting Him For Trying To Stick-It-Out With Me.

Resenting Myself For Hanging-In-There When I Knew Ahead Of Time This Was The Likely Outcome.

This Is Simply How It’s Always Gone.

How It’s Always Worked-Out In Every Past Situation.

My FIRST Relationship Was Perfectly-Flawed.

I Was Madly In Love, But The Love Was Forbidden.

So We Moved On.

My SECOND Relationship Was Doomed From The Start.

As Was My THIRD.

My FOURTH Was My Sick-Mind Trying To Replace The FIRST Relationship With Someone Else…

…Only To Realize That Someone Else WASN’T The Same As The First.

So That Ended With Him In Tears.

And Left Me Harder/Colder Than Even Before.

My FIFTH Was Done On A Whim, And I Ended It Before It Went Too Far.

My SIXTH Was A Great GREAT SUCCESS…

…Until He Got Bored…

…And Then He Realized Who I Really Was.

The SEVENTH Never Really Wanted Me For Me…

…He Just Wanted A Fuckbuddy….

…But Got Stuck With ME As A Boyfriend.

That Was A Failure I’d Hoped To Never Repeat.

And Now…

…I’m On The EIGHTH.

He’s The Sweetest Of Them All.

The Kindest.

The Most Caring.

The Most Willing To Listen.

The Most Willing To Be With Me When I’m Down.

The Most Willing To Lend Me His Shoulder Whenever I Truly Need It Most.

Yet…

…All Of Those Wonderful Qualities Aren’t Keeping Me Wrangled-In From Trying To Push Him Further And Further Away.

Perhaps Perpetual-Failure…

…Can Also Lead To Something Much MUCH WORSE.

A Perpetual-LOVE/LUST With Being UNHAPPY.

*** ***

I Don’t Know What’s Wrong With Me.

I Don’t Know WHY I Insist On Feeling Things As I Do.

I Don’t Know How To Straighten-Up AND Fly-Right.

I Don’t Know How To Fix What’s Broken…

…Especially When I’ve Worked So Hard At Breaking The Goddamn Thing In The First Place.

*** ***

All I Truly…

…TRULY KNOW…

…Is…

…I Need To Rest.

I Need To Rest So So SO BADLY.

I Need To Actually Sleep.

But I Don’t Want To Dream.

I Don’t Have GOOD Dreams.

I Don’t Have ODD Dreams.

I Don’t Have FANCIFUL Dreams.

I Don’t Have MEANINGLESS Dreams.

I Have HORRID Dreams.

I Have SCARY Dreams.

I See Horrible Things…

…Being Done To Myself…

…Being Done To Those I Care About…

…Being Done To Those I Don’t Even Know.

So Closing-My-Eyes…

…And Drifting Away…

…Lends Its OWN-TYPE Of Personal Failure.

If We Don’t Dream, We Go Crazy.

Well Then…

…What If We DO DREAM And It DRIVES US CRAZY?!?!?!?!

How Does The Old Line Go???

“…And Miles To Go Before I Sleep.

…And Miles To Go Before I Sleep.”

Oh How True That Is.

Oh How So VERY VERY True.

I’m Sorry To Be Venting On Y’all Like This.

I Just Don’t Know How Else To Do It.

This Is MY Outlet.

And So…

…I’m Using Said Outlet To The Best Of My Ability.

I Hope This Doesn’t Count As Yet One More Failure.

If It Does…

…While Sad…

…I’m In NO WAY Surprised.

Goodnight, World.

Let Us Hope The World Is Different When The Sun’s Up.

It Likely Won’t Be.

But The HOPE Remains.