“My Trials and Tribulations with Dreaming”

Having a bad Reality, at times, is one thing.
Having bad Dreams all night about said bad Reality???
O M F G it S U C K S.
The one place I hope to escape to…
…continues to be one more place I can’t really get to.
I really was a much happier person when I could go to sleep and it was like stepping off into the blackness of space (((because I’d be in such a deep deep sleep))).
Now, it’s like falling off of a cliff into a world of twisted and fucked half-memories.

I try to change my current Reality, in the hopes of bettering my future Reality.
But, when it comes to past Reality, I’m helpless.
We all are, I know that.
So…
…I guess I really need to learn how to change my Dreams.
Riiiiiiiiiiight?

Mkay.

Sooo…

HOW DOES ONE DO THAT???

At moments like this, I truly envy people like My Father.

He always told me he rarely, if ever, remembers his Dreams.

I remember the bulk of mine.

And mine are rarely, if ever, pleasant.

Even those with pleasant moments are often still bad Bad BAD Dreams.

It really is ALMOST enough to push a person tooooooooooooooooo far, sometimes.

Sleep is supposed to be restful, riiiiight?

You’re not supposed to feel worse when you awaken of a morning, correct??

And, YES, I’ve had sleep-studies done.

Nothing wrong with my breathing, nor anything else they could honestly measure.

I’ve talked to ((literally)) dozens of shrinks in my lifetime.

I’ve taken every medication they can think of to sling in my direction.

And, yet, here I sit.

Typing this.

Telling you, My Peeps, instead of yet another doctor that doesn’t seem to understand a goddamn thing about Me, nor My Situation.

I don’t want a lot of My Memories.

I don’t want a lot of My Reality.

But, MOST OF ALL, I don’t want to keep having these Dreams.

I accept My Memories.

I accept some of My Reality.

But, I do NOT accept that My “Dreamland” must be tainted.

I can’t accept that.

I won’t accept that.

Period.

So... Are YOU Jivin Me -questionmark-

Well, Again, Here I Am. But Do I Bring Anything New To The Table???

The Likely Answer Is NO.

Nothing New Has Happened.

Nothing New Ever Happens That’s Honestly Worth Mentioning.

Just Wide Awake At This Ungodly Hour.

One Would Think I’d Be Used To It By Now.

Sadly…

(...Or Not So Sadly...)

…I’m Not Used To It.

Never Have Been.

Never Will Be.

I Just Wanted To Apologize, My Peeps.

Apologize For My Recent Behavior.

I May Be A Dweller, Yes…

…But That Doesn’t Mean I Have To Take It Out Here.

Out In The Open, As I Have.

A Love Life…

(...Or Lack Of One...)

…Should Always Be Handled In A Much More Private Manner.

I Haven’t Done As Such.

I’ve Made My Issues Public.

But I’m A Writer.

Writers Write.

I So Express Myself Better In This Way.

Always Have.

When It Comes To Talking, I Generally Stay Quiet.

Generally.

I Fumble My Words, Otherwise.

At Least This Way I Have More Control.

Or, At Least, I Feel I Do.

… …

I’ve Talked Recently Of Wanting.

Of Needing.

Things I Must Have.

Things I Wish I Had.

Things I Know I’ll Never Ever Never Ever Ever Possess.

And What Good Has Come From Any Of It?

Not A Goddamn Bit, That’s What.

I Just Feel Like Me.

Feeling More Isolated.

Feeling More Alone.

Feeling More Hopeless.

Feeling More Helpless.

I Just Don’t Know, My Peeps.

I Don’t Know What To Do.

I Don’t Know What To Say.

I Don’t Know What To Write.

It’s Not Like There’s A Lack Of Material.

Oh, Heavens No.

I Could Write And Write, Seemingly Forever, If I So Chose.

But I Don’t.

And So…

…I Don’t.

I Suppose I’m Just Hopping With Anticipation.

I Want To Know What’s Wrong With Me.

I Want To Really REALLY Know.

The Coming MRI Seems To Be My Best Bet For Finding Any Answers.

The Problem I’m Having Is…

What Do I Do If They Don’t Find What They’re Looking For?

Do I Just Carry On…

…Happy The Test Says I’m Healthy?

To ME…

…That Would Seem Like A Failure.

Like A Waste Of Time, Effort, Money, Resources, Etc Etc.

I’m Not Saying I Want Them To Find Something.

I’m Saying I Hope It Tells Them What They Want To Know.

Because If It Doesn’t, I’m Totally Up-Shit-Creek.

I’m Tired.

I’m So Very Tired.

I Wish I Could Sleep.

Anticipation Is Amazingly Wonderful, Sometimes.

Other Times, It’s Just A Big Ole Bitch.

And I Still Have Two More Days To Wait.

Two More Days Of Anticipation.

Two More Days Of Deeply Seeded Want.

I Must Have This Test.

I Sincerely NEED This Test.

I Suppose I’m Just Scared.

That’s The Best Answer I Can Come Up With, At The Moment.

There’s Nothing Wrong With Being Scared…

…It Just Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Interfere With Day-T0-Day Existence.

It’s Too Powerful.

Fear.

But, What Am I Afraid Of?

I Wish I Knew.

Any Thoughts, My Peeps?

Perhaps I’m Just Scared They Really Wont Find What They’re Looking For?

?       ?       ?

I Suppose I’m Just Getting Tired Of Tests.

I’ve Had Plenty.

Undoubtedly…

…I’ll Have Plenty More With Time.

So…

…Here I Am.

Well…

…Here I Am AGAIN.

Do I Bring Anything New To The Table?

No.

Do I Further The Discussion?

No.

So What Do I Do?

I Sit Here.

I Write.

While Others Are Sleeping…

…Here I Am.

While Others Are Working…

…Here I Am.

While Others Are Out Having Fun…

…Here I Am.

And What Good Has Come From It?

Not A Goddamn Bit, That’s What.

This Is More Therapy Than Anything Else.

Writing Quiets My Mind.

It Allows Me To Center My Thoughts.

Even Though They May Come-Out As A Jumbled Mess…

…That’s Sincerely Not The Intention.

Surely Not.

Maybe I Just Need Sleep.

Trust Me, My Peeps…

…I Would If I Could.

I Surely Would.

But I Can’t.

So I’m Not.

Period.

so-are-you-jivin-me-questionmark.jpg

The MRI Is Scheduled…

…So Now I Wait.

I’m A Professional At Waiting.

My Whole Life Has Been A Series Of “Waiting Games” And I’m Sure It Has Been The Same For A Lot Of You.

Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

It Seems Like All We Ever Do Is Wait.

I Hate Waiting.

I Sincerely Do.

I’m Good At It.

But, I Still Hate It.

I Just Don’t Know What To Think.

Or, What I Should Think?

Or Even, What’s Available To Me In Regard To Thinking?

The Whole Time I Was In The Emergency Room…

…The Whole Time I Was Thinking About Someone Else.

The Doctor, Or Nurse, Would Come In To Speak With Me…

…And All I Was Concerned About Was Him.

How He’d Feel.

My Life, As Far As I Was Concerned, Was On The Line…

…And He Was All I Thought About.

Him.

Of All Things…

…Him.

If The Almost “Stroke” I Had Would Have Finished Me, What Would He Think?

Would It Devastate Him?

Would It Momentarily Cripple Him?

Would He Even Give Two-Shits?

And I Thought About Loving Him.

How I’ve Kept Quiet.

How I’ve Left Him Alone Because I Knew Doing More Than That Would Upset Him.

Does That Make Me Pathetic?

Knowing I’ve Accepted My Role On The Sidelines?

I Don’t Want To.

I Really Don’t.

But It’s “THAT” Or “NOTHING”.

And Between The Two…

…Yeah…

…I’d Accept “THAT”.

ANYWAY…

…The Point Of This Was The MRI.

It’s Set.

It’s In The Computer.

We’re Ready.

I’m Hoping It’s Clean…

…Just The Same As I’m Hoping To Find Something.

Either Way…

…At Least I’ll Know SOMETHING.

To Me, That’s A Preference.

Good Or Bad, I Wanna Know What’s Up.

Ya Know?!

SURE YOU DO!!

so-are-you-jivin-me-questionmark.jpg

When The Pain Gets Bad Enough, It’s Time For The Ole E.R. :(

And So…

…I Went There.

I. HATE. EMERGENCY. ROOMS.

Period.

I Was Simply In Too Much Agony To Avoid It.

😦

The Doctor I Ended-Up Seeing Was Very Sympathetic To My Plight.

I Suppose He’s Broken Teeth Before, At Some Point.

One Really Has No Idea How Bad It Hurts Until It Happens To Them.

I’m A Fairly Tough Guy.

I Don’t Let Much Of Anything Get To Me.

But When I’m In Pain Beyond My Limits Of Personal Tolerance

…Yeah…

It’s Time For The E.R.

It Turned-Out To Be The Fastest E.R. Trip I’ve EVER Gone Through.

They Had Me In And Out.

One Hour After I Signed In, I Was Headed Home.

Swift Service, Fo SHO, Kiddies.

And Now…

…I’m On Pain Meds Through Tuesday.

Blah.

I Hate Pills.

BUT…

…When They’re What You’ve Got To Handle Whatever You’re Dealing With…

…I Say Go For It.

I Think It’s Time For A Nap, Though.

I’m Utterly EXHAUSTED.

T’Was An Early Morning…

…And I’m Already Starting To Fade-Out.

I Sincerely Hope Y’all Are Okie The Dokie AND Coolio.

Please Be Good

Take Care

See Me Soon

And

Talk To Me Sooner!

Much Love To Ya, My Peeps!

😀

What’s On Now?! VINCENT PRICE’s Totally Forgotten Classic “SHOCK” (1946)!!!

You Know The Word.

We All Do.

Some Of Us Use It Quite Often, Honestly.

SHOCK

Yep.

An Often Used Word, Indeed.

So What Would You Do If I Asked You…

"Hey There, Have You Ever Seen The VINCENT PRICE Flick "SHOCK" Before?"

??? ??? ???

Yeah.

Chances Are You’d Say…

"VINCENT PRICE Did A Movie Called "SHOCK"?!? I Hadn't The Foggiest!!!"

Okay…

…So You Might Not Say It Exactly Like That.

In Fact…

…I’m The Only Person I Know Of These Days Who Still Says..

"I Hadn't The Foggiest."

BUT…

…That’s Not The Point Of This.

THE POINT…

…Is…

…Right Now…

…At This Very Moment…

…I’m Writing To Y’all About This Flick WHILE I’m Watching It.

The Flick Is…

SHOCK

(1946)

…Starring…

VINCENT PRICE

&

LYNN BARI

&

ANABEL SHAW

😀

Basically…

…The Plot Is Rather Simple.

A Woman Named JANET (ANABEL SHAW) Suffers A Great SHOCK When She Witnesses A Man Kill His Wife By Bludgeoning Her With A Candle Stick…

…And Due To Said Great SHOCK, JANET Slips Into A Coma.

As She (JANET) Comes Out Of Her Coma, She Recognizes The Man She Had Seen Kill His Wife.

The Problem Is…

…He’s Her DOCTOR!!!

So Who’s Her Doctor, You Ask?!?

Why…

VINCENT PRICE

…OF COURSE!!!

😀

If You Want/Need More Info…

…Do Yourself A Favor And WATCH THE MOVIE!!!

😉

SHOCK

…Is A Personal Favorite…

…But It’s A Very Acquired Taste.

I Just Don’t Think Most Horror Fans Would Take To It Too Easily.

This Is More Of A Classic “Suspense” Yarn.

VINCENT PRICE Doesn’t Puff Himself Up And Over-Act In This One.

He Stays Very Calm And Almost Meek.

He’s VERY Unassuming, That’s Fo SHO.

Other Than JANET…

…I Think The Rest Of The Characters Were Dealt A Blow Of…

SHOCK

…When It Comes Out That The Doctor Is Indeed The Murderer.

🙂

This Film Is In Black&White…

…And Is Very Subtle.

A Minor Film That Pissed-Off A Lot Of People When It Came Out In 1946.

There Were Many MANY People Who Had Survived WORLD WAR II, But Suffered From Some Form Of SHOCK.

And Those Same People Began Refusing Treatment After Seeing This Film.

Just Goes To Show You How Powerful A Flick Can Honestly Be.

Fo SHO Fo SHO!

🙂

As I Said Before…

…Do Yourself A Favor And Check This One Out.

It’s A Real Diamond In The Rough, And A Totally Forgotten Classic.

Perhaps It’s Time To Un-Forget-It, Eh?!?

EH!?!?!

Again I Say…

Fo SHO Fo SHO!!!

😀