Action Sequel Double-Shot: “THE EXPENDABLES 2” and “THE DARK KNIGHT RISES” (2012)

Last Night, I Double-Dosed Myself On A Pair Of Action Sequels…

THE EXPENDABLES 2

(2012)

The_Expendables_2_poster (via Wikipedia)

…And…

THE DARK KNIGHT RISES

(2012)

Dark_knight_rises_poster (via Wikipedia)

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I Can EASILY Say This…

I Liked Both Flicks MORE Than Their Preceding Flicks, Fo SHO!

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In Regard To…

THE EXPENDABLES 2

…It Was One Of The MOST FUN Hardcore Action Cheese-Fests I’ve Ever Experienced.

Period.

I Had A Total BLAST Giving It A Go!

Almost All Of My Classic Faves Were Present!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

BRUCE WILLIS

CHUCK NORRIS

DOLPH LUNDGREN

…And…

JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME

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WOOT!!!

Yeah.

It Was Fun, Fo Flippiddy-Flippin’ SHO!!!

And As For…

THE DARK KNIGHT RISES

…I Can Tell You Was BETTER Than…

THE DARK KNIGHT

…Though, Sadly, That’s Not Saying Too Much.

I Didn’t Like…

THE DARK KNIGHT

…And Felt That…

THE DARK KNIGHT RISES

…Was Fun, But Horribly OVER-LONG.

I Was Gearing-Up For A Big Finish…

…Only To Realize There Was Still An HOUR Left In It.

Sheesh.

BUT…

…It Was Pretty Entertaining.

I Liked It.

That’s About All I Did, Though.

I Haven’t Been Much Of A Fan Of This Batman Trilogy.

I Wanted To Be.

I Still Want To Be.

I’m Just, Ya Know, Kinda Not.

Oh Well.

Shit Happens.

My Bad.

ANYWAY.

You Know I Hate Spoilers, So I Won’t Delve Too Deeply Within These Two Flicks.

All I’ll Say Is The Same Thing I’ve Already Said…

…BOTH Were BETTER Than The Flicks That Preceded Them.

What More Could You Ask Of Me?!

What?!?

THE EXPENDABLES 2

…Was FUN.

THE DARK KNIGHT RISES

…Was FUN.

So, I Suppose Complaining Would Only Be Done In The Event Of An Argument.

Otherwise…

…Nah…

…I Won’t Complain.

I’ll Likely End-Up Owning Them Both.

Well…

…Okay…

…Perhaps I Won’t…

…But I’ll Buy Them For Someone Whom Has No Issues With Letting Me Borrow Them.

That Way I Don’t Feel Scummy Or Dirty.

I’ll Just Need Them Once A Year Or So.

That’s What I’m Banking-On, Anyway.

Sound Like A Plan To You?!

GREAT!!

It Does To Me, ALSO.

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“A SCENE Of HORROR” by Bradley Alan (Rated “R”)

Alright, My Peeps.

This Is A Tinkered-With Version Of Something I’d Written About A Decade Ago.

In 2003, Actually.

The Tinkering Part Is An Expansion Of The Setting Of The Scene.

The Actual Parts Of The People In The Scene Haven’t Been Much Tinkered-With At All.

I’ll Warn You Now…

…My Dream Of Writing, Especially When Thinking About Potential Movie Scenes, Or Screenplays, Etc, Has NEVER Been Geared Toward The Goal Of One-Day Winning An Academy Award.

Actually…

…I Never Considered Winning Any Awards For It.

I Wanted To Write “B-MOVIES“…

…Ya Know…

…More Like A “SYFY CHANNEL ORIGINAL” Type Of Film.

I’m Not So Good When It Comes To Dramatic Writing…

…Nor Really Comedy Writing, Either.

BUT…

…Boy, Oh Boy, Can I Write Some Quality CHEESE!

This Piece…

A SCENE Of HORROR

by Bradley Alan

…Is Exactly That.

It Was Written To, Hopefully, One Day Be Expanded To The Point Of Having An Entire Screenplay.

A CHEESE LADEN SCREENPLAY!

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It Really Is…

…(RATEDR“)…

…So If You’re Easily Offended By Harsh Language, I Doubt You’ll Like It So Much.

Fair Warning.

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Alright…

…Here We Go, Kiddies.

*** *** *** *** *** *** ***

*** *** *** ***

***

I’ve Left The Setting Rather Ambiguous, As I’m Sure This Scene Could Be Used In A Couple Different Types Of Horror Flick.

Most Notably, I Think It Could Be Used For Something Like A Zombie Apocalypse Type Flick, Or Simply A Flick Where There’s A Small Group Of Folks On The Run From Someone, Or Something.

That’s Actually The Least Important Part Of What I’m Presenting Here, As I Was More Concerned About The Characters, And What They’ve Got Going On.

Whatever, Or Whom Ever, They’re Running From Is Obviously Bad Enough That The Small Group Of Folks Is Very Noticeably Shaken To The Point Of Hysteria.

The Scene Is Of A Small Group Of About 5 Or 6 People, Though Only Three People Are Participating In The Speaking Portions Of The Scene.

And Now To Begin

It’s The Dead Of Night.

(((Pun Totally Intended, By The Way.)))

GIRL #1:

(Sobbing, Hysterical)

We’re Going To Die! We’re ALL Going To Die, I Just Know It!

GUY #1:

(Almost Frantic, But Calmer Than The Rest Of Them)

LOOK, Just Shut The Fuck Up And Let Me THINK!

GIRL #1:

(Sobbing Harder Than Before, Much More Hysterical)

“But We’re Going To Die! They’re Going To Find Us! We’re Going To Die! I Know We Are!”

GUY #1:

(More Forceful Than Before)

Look You Crazy Bitch, I’ve Seen Enough Scary Movies To Know Your Hysterical Ass is No Good To Us Right Now! If You Don’t Shut The Fuck Up NOW, I’ll Kill You Myself Just To Save Everyone Else!

GIRL #1:

(Still Pretty Hysterical, But The Sobbing Has Suddenly Stopped)

HEY, Who The Hell Do You Think You Are! You…

GUY #1:

(Gets Up In GIRL #1's Face, He's Much More Forceful This Time)

ONE MORE FUCKIN’ WORD! JUST ONE FUCKIN’ MORE, AND I’LL DECK YOU! JUST ONE FUCKIN’ MORE!

GUY #2:

(Frantically Comes-Over To The Aide Of GIRL #1)

HEY! YOU CAN’T TALK TO HER THAT WAY! Y…

--(GUY #1 Totally Decks GUY #2 With A Savage Uppercut To The Chin)--
--(GUY #2 Falls Hard To The Ground, Totally Laid Out)--
--(GUY #1 Turns Toward GIRL #1)--

GUY #1:

(As Forcefully As Possible)

AND THAT GOES FOR YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE! I AM NOT GOING TO DIE OUT HERE BECAUSE Of YOU! YOU WANNA BITCH, SCREAM, OR ANY OTHER FUCKIN’ THING, FINE! BUT NOT WITHIN A HUNDRED FUCKIN’ MILES OF ME! GOT IT!?!?!

--((DEAD SILENCE))--

GUY #1:

(Still Forceful, But Noticeably Calmer)

Good! Now, Let’s Keep Moving!

GIRL #1:

(A Bit More Whiny Than Frantic, And Holding Back Tears)

And THEN WHAT!?

--(GUY #1 Begins Helping Up GUY #2)--

GUY #1:

(The Calmest He's Been Thus Far)

Try To Survive The Night.

… …

SCENE

.

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Like I Said, My Peeps…

…I Wanna Write A “B-Movie“…

…And That’s Exactly How This Was Thought-Out.

Not As Something To Be In Some Fancy-Ass Studio Drama….

…But As Something To Be On The “SYFY CHANNEL” On A Saturday Night!

A CHEESE-TASTIC CHEESE-FEST!!!

It Was Fun…

…Right?!?

?!?

Riiight?!?

?!?!?

(Not So) Random (Blu-ray) Movie Mention: “ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER” (2012)

Alright…

…So I Did Get ’round To Watching (On The Blu-ray)

ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER

…And…

…Well…

…What Can I Say?!

Hmm.

Well…

…Honestly…

I Had Fun.

Perhaps Even MORE Fun Than I Rightly Should Have.

Was It A Good Film?

Nah.

Not Really.

Was It A Sufficiently Sufficient “B-Movie”/Action/Horror/Schlock Flick?

Yeah.

Actually, It Was.

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Is It Gonna Win An “Oscar”?

Nah.

Not At All.

Is It Gonna Get A Couple “Razzie” Noms?

Yeah.

Actually, It (likely) Will.

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Do I Appear To Give A Rat’s Ass Either Way?

Nah.

Not Really.

Does That In Any Way Take Away From The Cheesy Pleasure I Received From Checking-It-Out?

NOT. AT. ALL.

Period.

πŸ˜€

It Is Was It Is…

…It Is What It Was…

…It Is What It’ll Always Be…

Cheese-Tastic.

Is That EXACTLY What I Expected It To Be?

Yep.

TOTALLY!

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What?!

Oh, Like You Really Had High Hopes!!

You KNOW You Didn’t.

You KNEW What It Was Going To Be.

And It Was EXACTLY That.

Cheese-Tastic.

Period.

I’ve Seen Worse Flicks, Fo SHO, My Peeps.

I Loved RUFUS SEWELL As The Big Baddie Vamp “Adam”

…So That’s Nifty.

Mr. SEWELL Has Always Been A Personal Fave Of Mine.

A Very VERY Underrated Actor, To Say The Least.

He Helps The Flick Succeed Much More-So Than It Would Have Otherwise.

Or So I Believe.

THE BOTTOM LINE:

ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER

…Is…

…Was…

…Always Will Be…

…BETTER…

…Than A Poke-In-The-Eye…

…With A Sharp-Stick…

…In A K-Mart Parking-Lot.

That’s Good Enough, Right?!

Riiight.

Good Enough, Indeed.

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Worst Attempt At Movie-Making For 2012?? Sadly It Was “PIRANHA 3DD”. Period.

Alright, Kids.

Y’all Know Me.

Y’all Know I Love Me Some Horror Flicks.

I Love Me Some Suspense/Thriller Flicks.

I Love Me Some Slasher Flicks.

I Love Me Some Monster Flicks.

And…

…I ESPECIALLY LOVE…

…”CHEESE-TASTIC” Flicks!!!

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Sadly, My Peeps…

PIRANHA 3DD

Is None Of These.

Period.

What Is It?!

To Be Blunt…

It

Was

AWFUL!

Just Plain Ole AWFUL!

I Was Excited To Finally Be Watching It On The Blu-ray…

…And That Quickly Turned Into A Big Ole…

…”WTF!?!?!“…

…Type Of Feeling.

😦

Y’all Know I’m Always On The Hunt For A “CHEESE-TASTIC” Gem Of A Flick.

Sadly…

PIRANHA 3DD

…Was Just Plain Ole CRAP.

Even With Personal Favorites In The Mix Like…

GARY BUSEY

&

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

&

DAVIDTHE HOFFHASSELHOFF

…I Can EASILY Say…

PIRANHA 3DD

…Not Only Missed The Mark…

…It Threw-Up On It…

…Ate It Again…

…And Then Lumpingly Sank To The Bottom Of The Tank.

😦

I Know I Know I Know…

…It Wasn’t Supposed To Be Good.

It Was Billed As A Horror/Comedy Flick.

But It Really Wasn’t That Funny.

Sure…

…There Were Some Cool Scenes Of Gore And Carnage.

Sure…

VING RHAMES Did Have A Shotgun-Leg.

Sure…

…There Was A Boat-Load Of T&A.

But…

…Honestly…

…None Of That Could Save It.

It Just Sucked-Ass, My Peeps.

It Really REALLY SUCKED.

Period Period.

😦

Oh Well.

My Quest For “CHEESE-TASTIC” Gems Continues.

Perhaps I’ll Find Something Else To Bring To Your Attention.

There’s Always Something Being Made Out There That I’ll End-Up Loving.

It Just Wasn’t…

PIRANHA 3DD

PERIOD PERIOD PERIOD.

πŸ˜‰

The Search Continues!!!

ONWARD TO GLORY!!!

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What’s On NOW?! The JAMES BOND Cheese-Fest “MOONRAKER” (1979)!!!

So…

…What Is (likely) The MOST HATED Epic From The JAMES BOND Film Series?

Well…

…Purests Would (likely) Say…

MOONRAKER

…Starring…

ROGER MOORE As JAMES BOND

LOIS CHILES As HOLLY GOODHEAD

MICHAEL LONSDALE As DRAX

&

RICHARD KIEL As JAWS

.Period.

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HOWEVER…

…To Someone Like Myself…

MOONRAKER

…Just Happens To Be THE MOST CHEESE-TASTIC BOND FLICK Of ALL-TIME.

.Period Period.

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Am I Saying…

MOONRAKER Is The Best BOND Flick EVER!”

??? ??? ???

No.

Not. At. All.

BUT BUT BUT…

…Am I Saying…

MOONRAKER Is The Worst BOND Flick EVER!”

??? ??? ???

Nope.

Not. At. All. Either.

So What The Hell Am I Saying???

Well…

…I’m Saying…

MOONRAKER Is A Veritable Pant-Load Of FUN!”

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When I First Started Buying Blu-ray Flicks…

MOONRAKER

…Just So Happened To Be The Very First BOND Flick I Purchased.

WHY?

Because I Simply Knew It Would Look Wonderful In The Blu-ray Format On The Β Big-Screen-TV!!!

.Period Period Period.

For Those Of You Who Have Never Seen…

MOONRAKER

…I’ll Try To Explain WHY It’s So Much Fun.

Basically…

…It’s A Combination Of…

“Classic JAMES BOND Intrigue And Style And Humor”

…Heavily Mixed With Overtones Of…

STAR WARS

…And NO I’m NOT Joking.

MOONRAKER

…Became The Laughing-Stock Of The Entire JAMES BOND Franchise.

In Fact…

…To This Very Day…

…A Lot Of People Refer To It As…

JAMES BOND IN OUTER-SPACE

!!! !!! !!!

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Yep.

That’s Right.

OUTER-SPACE

!!! !!! !!!

No Foolies.

BOND Actually Leaves Earth…

…And Heads To The Space-Station-Hideout Of The Evil “DRAX”…

…Where The Man Is Poised To Destroy All Human Life On Our Loverly Little Planet.

(HAHAHAHA!!!)

Like I Said, My Peeps…

…Purest Fans Of The BOND Films Really Turned A Cold-Shoulder To This One.

It Was Simply Way Too Far Fetched For Them To Take Seriously.

The Creators Of The Film Really Wanted To Cash-In On The Recent Success Of “STAR WARS“…

…And So Was Born…

MOONRAKER

…The Silliest…

…Goofiest…

…Cheesiest BOND Flick Of Them ALL!!!

NO WONDER I LOVE IT SO MUCH, Right?!

RIGHT!!!

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If You’ve Seen It Already…

…You Know EXACTLY What I’m Talking About.

If You’ve NOT Seen It Already…

…Do Yourself A Favor And Give It The Ole College-Try.

Just Do Me A Favor…

…Go Into It EXPECTING Pure-CHEESY-Goodness!!!

Trust Me…

…In That Regard…

…It TOTALLY Delivers!!!

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My Reaction?: “BATTLESHIP” (2012): Not As Bad As You’ve Been Told. Trust Me.

Alright, My Peeps.

What Can I Say To Make This All Totally Understood?

Likely…

…Words Should Easily Do The Trick.

So That’s What I’m Hoping For Here.

Ready?!

GREAT!!!

*** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Tonight…

…I Watched The Major Motion Picture…

BATTLESHIP

…And…

…I Swear…

…I’m Giving You The Straight-Up Of It…

…It Was…

FUN.

.PERIOD.

That’s It.

It Really Really REALLY Was FUN.

Now…

…I Know What You’re Thinking…

…And NO…

…You’re Absolutely INCORRECT.

I’m Not Thinking That.

I’m Thinking…

…Honestly…

…People Have Forgotten The MOST IMPORTANT THING In Regard To Watching A Flick.

You Go Into EACH And EVERY ONE Like It’s The FIRST FLICK YOU’VE EVER SEEN.

Some People Can’t Do This.

"Oh, They Stole This From That Movie."
"Ah, I Swear I've Seen This Before, But Better."
"Yaddi Yaddi Yadda, Plugh!"

Uh Huh.

That’s What Those People Say.

I Say…

"Oh, I Liked That."
"Oh, This Is Cheesy."
"Ah, How Cool Was That."
"Ya Know, I Never Would Have Thought To Use That In That Way."

Can You See The Diff?

Can You??

I Don’t Compare And Contrast.

I Hate That Shit.

I Look At This Thing, And I Say…

"I Wonder What This Will Be Like?!"

I Don’t Say…

"I Hear It Sucks."

…Or…

"This Will Be The Greatest Thing Ever!"

…Or…

"This Is Going To Blow, I Just Know It."

I Say…

"Hmm. I Wonder What Kind Of Imagination These Peeps Have? I'm CURIOUS!"

Notice That?

At All?

I’m Not Here To Say…

BATTLESHIP

…Was The Worst Thing EVER!

Nor Am I Here To Say…

BATTLESHIP

…Was The Best Thing EVER!

Nope.

I’m Here To Say…

“I Watched It…

…I Had FUN

…I Totally Appreciate The Imagination That Went Into It.”

Was There Borrowing From Other Flicks?

Sure.

Was Some Of It Crap?

Yeah, Some.

Did I Care?

Nope.

WHY?

Because…

I. HAD. FUN.

I DIDN’T Care That Some Parts Were ULTRA Cheesy.

I DID Enjoy That Most Of It Was CHEESE-TASTIC!!!!

BATTLESHIP

…Is A “B-MOVIE“…

…Something I Hope Y’all Have Heard Of.

And Guess What?

So Far AsΒ “B-MOVIE’s” Go…

…It Was FUN!!!

FUN FUN FUN!!!

So For Those Of You Who Saw It For WHAT IT IS…

…You’re VERY LIKELY To Agree With Me.

Remember…

Watch EVERY FLICK As If It’s THE FIRST FLICK.

You’ve Never Seen Another.

This Is That FIRST TIME You’ve Seen Anything Like It.

NOW…

What Do You Think Of It?!?

Did It Hold Your Interest?

Did The Special-Effects Wow Your Ass Off?

Did You Have FUN?

??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ???

Well…

…I Did.

And I’m The One Writing This.

So I Win.

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.Period.

Oh…

…And, Uh…

…By The Way…

…I Loved Seeing My Man…

LIAM NEESON

…Ham-It-Up-To-PERFECTION As THE ADMIRAL!

WHY?

Because He’s…

LIAM NEESON

…Dammit.

That Should Be Enough Of A Reason Right There.

The Man WAS In…

KRULL

…Ya Know?!

In MY WORLD…

…The Man Does NO WRONG.

.PERIOD PERIOD.

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Love Ya, My Peeps.

I Swear.

Like…

…For Realz…

…Ya Know?!

GREAT!!!

So…

…Because I Love Ya…

…I’m Showing You A Photo I Took…

…Of…

…The Very Very VERY REAL…

U.S.S. MISSOURI

Original Photo Of The U.S.S. MISSOURI Taken By BRADLEY ALAN :D

Original Photo Of The U.S.S. MISSOURI Taken By BRADLEY ALAN πŸ˜€

!!! !!! !!!

Yes…

THE BATTLESHIP

U.S.S. MISSOURI

!!! !!! !!!

Now Are You Happy?!

You’d Better Be.

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