Engaged Twice… …But Still Single. Posted by youjivinmeturkey on 17Jan13 That’s Right, My Peeps. Yours Truly Has Been Ready To Tie-The-Knot… …Not ONCE… …But TWICE. At Least, I’ve Asked Two Different People To Marry Me. The First Was An Impossibility. She Knew It. I Knew It. But, It Happened Nevertheless. Is She Better-Off Without Me? Oh, Most Definitely. She Was Younger. She Was Hotter. She Was A Jock. Yet, She Was So Tender AND Loving. She Lit-Up A Room Upon Entering. She Made Everyone Smile. She Made My Friends Pat Me On The Back Saying… “Well Done, Sir. Well Done, Indeed.“ As It Turned-Out, However, I Was NOT What She Was Looking For. The Engagement… …Which Was Made Through A Phone-Call… …Lasted Almost Exactly TWO (2) Months. Not A Lot Of Time, I Grant That. But Those Were Two Very Special Months. For The First Time In My Life, I Sincerely Felt As Though I Belonged. I Had The Gal Of My Dreams, And Nothing Was Going To Take That Away From Me. Nothing Except Her, Of Course. She Broke-Off The Engagement. That Part Stung A Bit, But I Understood. Just THREE (3) Days Later, However, She Broke-Off The Entire Relationship. That Part Stung More Than A Bit. It Was The Only Time In My Life I Could Easily Say I Felt Something For A Member Of The Fairer-Sex. After She And I Ended Our Union, I Totally Gave-Up On Trying To Date Women. I Could Never Do Better Than Her, That’s Fo SHO. When You’ve Had The Best, Why Deal With The Rest? Of Course, While She And I Were On-The-Rocks, I Was Also Seeing A Fellow Shipmate On The Side. He Was Slightly My Elder. He Was Slightly Taller. He Was Slightly More Attractive. He Was Priceless, Honestly. When I Told Him My Girl Had Finally Become Fed-Up With The Whole “Long Distance” Thing, His Response Was Muted. “Well, Hell, It Happens.“ That Was The Most I Could Get Out Of Him In This Regard. He Knew I Wasn’t Like The Rest. He Knew That, While Personally Disheartening, The Break-Up Wouldn’t Do Much Harm. He Knew What I Was. I Didn’t. But, He Did. I Was Still In My “Total Denial“ Phase. You’ve Been Through One, Before. We All Have. Not About The Same Thing, No… …But About Something. There’s Always A Part Of Ourselves We’re Not Pleased With. Something We Deny, And Continue To Deny. We’ll Deny It Until We’re Forced To Do Otherwise. It Took Another TWO (2) YEARS Before I Finally Came To Grips With My Denial. I Maintained It As Long As I Could. I Fought A Good Fight. In The End… …I Lost The Battle To Myself. Hey, It Happens. Such Is Life. The Second Time I Was Engaged, The Circumstances Were Much, MUCH Different. This Was Someone I’d Dated A While. A Long While. BUT… …I Knew I Was Ready. I Knew Whom I Wanted… …And Exactly What I Wanted. So, I Asked. And He Said “YES“!!! I Was Shocked AND Amazed. I Didn’t Expect The “YES“, Actually. I Expected The “Well, You’re A Great Guy, BUT…” Speech. But, That Didn’t Happen. Instead, I Was Suddenly Engaged For The Second Time. Except, This Time, I Was Simply Sure Sure SURE It Was Going To Work-Out. We’d Been Together For Over 2-Years At That Point. It Felt Like A Very Safe Bet, And I Was Ready. I Was Ready To Take The Plunge And Simply Go For It. It Wasn’t Long Afterward The Proverbial Rug Was Ripped From Under Me. He Broke-Off The Engagement… …And Then The Relationship. I Wanted To Cry. I Wanted To Show How Much It Hurt. But, I Didn’t. I Just Sucked-It-Up. I Carried-On. I Will Say This… …If I Ever Need To Escape A Relationship… …All I Really Need To Do Is Ask The Person To Marry Me. In Fact, I’d Likely Be Single Again Before The End Of The Day. Is It Me? Am I The Reason They Duck-Out? Or, Is It Something Else? Perhaps It’s Thoughts Of The Future? Our Future? Could YOU Handle Marrying Someone You Already Knew Had Mental Difficulties??? That Could Turn-Out To Be The Question Of The Day. Could YOU Handle It, My Peeps? Could YOU See Yourself Loving Someone Like That? Someone Who Spends Most Of His Time In A Dark, Sullen Mood? Someone Who Always Sees The Negative BEFORE He Sees Anything Positive? Could You? Could You Handle It? It’s A Valid Question, My Peeps. It’s One Where I’m Very, VERY Curious About The Answer. Share This, Turkey!TwitterPrintFacebookTumblrLinkedInPocketRedditEmailPinterestLike this:Like Loading... Related
Everyone has issues. That’s part of it, taking the good with the bad…and dare I say, appreciating the bad.
Well, I’ll Say That If I Appreciated The Bad, I’d Be One Of The Most Appreciative Fools In All The Land.
But, I Can’t.
I Can’t Appreciate That Which I Consider Negative Or Bad.
Hence My Dilemma.
Are you saying you can’t appreciate yourself…or others?
I Think I’m Saying I Don’t Appreciate Others So Much Because I Can’t Understand How They Could/Can Ever Appreciate Me. You Know Me Best Of All, Dude. You Know I’m Not A Good Person. You Know I’ve Never Been Able To Appreciate What I Have, Or Have Had.
I Guess I Really Am A “Negative Nancy”.
Well I know you appreciate some people who appreciate you. Myself included..I hope haha. I think what you have is a circle of trust that you don’t allow anyone into and therefore can’t appreciate them…did that make sense? That being said, not everyone is trust worthy. And you’ve only convinced yourself that you’re a bad person. You’ve done a lot for me over the years. A bad person wouldn’t do that. We all make mistakes, you’re just harder on yourself for yours. As people get older…like we are, I find that its in a person’s best interest that they spend time with the people they want. It’s not a bad thing to not want to like someone else but I wouldn’t yourself the target of that negativity. Allow yourself to have trial runs where you just seek good company. You’ll know in short order if that person is worth the time…as long as you’re not too hard on yourself.
That Makes Perfect Sense, Dude. And You May Very Well Be Correct.
I Do Have My Circle Of Trust…
…And It’s Dwindling.
It Has Been For Quite Some Time.
Maybe I’ve Convinced Myself I’m A Bad Person Because Of This.
It’s Hard To Think Highly Of Oneself When You Can Name The Good People In Your Life On Your Fingers, And You’ve Dumped On The Rest.
I Know I’m Not A Good Person, Dude.
I May Not Be Bad, But I Know I’m No Good.
And I Can’t Shake That Notion.
I Go To Sleep With It Every Night…
…And Awaken With It Each Morning.
I’ve Been Hurt More Times Than I Can Count, Yet I Know That’s No Excuse.
Everyone’s Been Hurt At Some Point.
I Just Take It A Lot More Harshly Than Most.
I Know I Need To Get My Head Out Of My Ass, But Am Finding That Nearly Impossible.
What Do I Do, Dude?
How Do I Correct Myself?
How Do I Begin To Trust People Again?
…I Haven’t The Foggiest.
To Any Of Those Questions.
I’m Filled With Doubt.
I Just Don’t Know, Dude.
Well good and bad are such relative terms. No one is perfect. That’s a good place to start. And perfection is way too much to ask for anyway. Tomorrow is always a new day. The past doesn’t always have to matter. I would say whenever you catch yourself thinking bad things about yourself, train yourself to do something distracting. Don’t focus on negative things from the past…do everything to get your mind away from it. It will be hard…but get easier. And you don’t have to be in a trusting relationship with people to enjoy yourself. Trust is supposed to be earned after a long time anyway. This way there are no self fulfilling prophecies about un-trustworthy people…just someone you would rather not hang out with. Focus on your good work like this blog…which you’re already starting to do. Lots of people on here think you’re great and I can’t believe that we’re all wrong. lol 🙂
Bradley you are so much more than your mental issues. I agree they might be draining for some people, but there are facets of you as well. You are a good and kind person that thinks too much. You think you are not good because sometimes you think you don’t care enough about your fellow man. I’m sorry, but you are normal in that respect. We can not all be social workers that are trying to heal the world. There are some of us that only love a few that are close to us. There are some of us that only have one or two close friends. That’s okay. It’s okay to not always be happy and sunshiny. Do you know that I’m actually quite shy? You wouldn’t know it, but I am. The image I project is not really me. But then who’s image really is?
Being in love with someone means loving all of them. Everything. Because usually the good far outweighs the bad.
See, I Just Notice That Each Time I Get Personal With My Blog, Each Time I Go Where I’m Not Sure I Should, I Lose Readers.
Since Publishing This Story, I’ve Lost 3 Subscribers.
That Wasn’t The Intention.
I Didn’t Mean To Weed Out Those Whom Wouldn’t Care. It Just Worked Out That Way.
I Wish I Knew Where I Was Going With This, But I Do Find It Comical.
I Also Find It Disheartening.
I Think Today Is Just Going To Be One Of Those Days. One Of Those Days Where Nothing Seems To Be Clicking For Me.
I’d Say I’m Surprised, But That Would Be A Lie.
I Expect It Everyday.
It Just So Happens Today Feels Worse Than Most.
I Can’t Get Out Of My Own Head.
I Can’t Stop Thinking About How Badly I Feel.
And I Sincerely HATE Using The Words “I Can’t…”
They Make Me Feel Weak.
Then Again, I Always Feel Weak And Inferior, Even When I’m Not.
Thank You For The Kind Words, Ms. Renee.
I Promise They’re Not Falling Upon Deaf Ears.
Simply Ears That Have No Interest In Hearing What’s Being Said.
That’s Something Else I Hate.
So you lost 3 readers. Good riddance. With your candidness you will gain more. You will. I understand your concern. You say that you are indifferent, but I see you as someone who genuinely cares. Too much about what others think. About how you think. Get outside, do something different. Disconnect from the computer for a few hours and watch a shitty movie. Take care hon. I know you listen to me. I know you do. Take care my sweet friend.
I Always Listen To You, Ms. Renee. You’re One Of The Best Friends I Have, And You’re Always Full Of Advice. Some May Not Be What I Wish To Hear, But It’s Advice I Need To Hear.
For That Alone, I Thank You. I Just Wish I Could Get My Shit Together. My Mind AND My Heart Have Been Stuck In The Muck With No Real Way Out. At Least, No Way Out I’ve Found Thus Far.
My Body Is Weak.
My Bring Aches.
I Just Want To Curl Up Into A Ball And Have Someone Play With My Hair, Constantly Reminding Me That It’s Just Life And Life Shall Continue.
I Hate Being Me, Ms. Renee. But, I Have The Friends I Need To Keep Me Going.
Right Now, I Need A Boost.
I Feel Like I Drowning.
I Think It’s Time For A Good, Long Walk.
Yes my love, go for that long walk. Travel to my house. I’ll make you a wonderful dinner, snuggle with you and play with your hair. You are of my heart my sweet friend. If I lived closer I’d be right by your side. You are not drowning. Call, text or skype. I’m always here for you.
Dude, two broken engagements aren’t reason enough to be so pessimistic. It’s happened to me, and it hurt. But I got better.
You ask your readers if they could be with someone who has issues and is down in the dumps all the time. I’ll be honest–I couldn’t. I’m a happy guy and I require a happy mate.
Having said that, there’s somebody out there for everyone. Some people are more naturally attracted to moody folks than to chipper ones. I don’t get it it myself, but I’ve seen it.
Those Were Just The Tip Of The Iceberg, RK. There Have Been Many Others, All Of Which Did Their Damnedest To Hurt Me. They Dug In Deep. They Ripped Me Apart. That’s Why I’m Pessimistic. I Go Into Every Situation Expecting To Be Hurt.
Right Or Wrong, That’s How It Always Goes Down. That’s How It Feels.
I’m Down In The Dumps All The Time Because That’s Where I’ve Been Placed And I Don’t Know How To Escape.
I Don’t Want To Be A Bad Person…
…I Just Am.
I Was Created That Way.
It Took Years And Years, But This Is The End Result.
Someone Who’s Never Happy, Even When He Projects That He Is.
Unhappy I understand, but where do you get the idea you’re a bad person? Myself, I don’t get that from you.
That’s Because You Try To Find The Best In Everyone, Whether There Is A Best Or Not.
In My Case, There’s Not.
At Least, Not One That I Can Find.
I Continue To Search.
I Continue To Seek The Better Parts Of Myself.
I Just Never Find Them.
I Only Find More Disappointments.
Okay, do you mean ‘bad’ as in ‘not functioning well’ (and I don’t think you do) or ‘bad’ as in ‘immoral,’ ‘wicked’ or ‘evil’? If, as I suspect, it’s the latter you mean, then I still don’t understand how you’re coming to that conclusion.
I recall a post you wrote about the time I started reading your stuff where you talked about having to fake emotions. Is it because you don’t feel you’re a “good” person, which leaves therefore only bad? Because if that’s the case, let me disabuse you of that notion right now.
A lot of people will tell you that there is no evil, but I don’t believe that. I think there are bad people. I’ve met them. I’ve been fortunate to know some really good people, too. And then, you’ve got the big mass in the middle, that may drift toward either end of the spectrum, but are neither really good nor evil. Not being good is not the same thing as being bad. Not to me, anyway.
You don’t see the good parts of yourself because you’ve trained yourself not to see them. I’m not kidding. Let me give you an example. Let’s say you decide to get into bird watching, and you really find you enjoy the hobby, and you start learning about many of the local birds in your area. Well, after a while, you’re going to start seeing birds EVERYWHERE–one phone wires, in parking lots, in the trees outside your house. The birds didn’t just suddenly appear–they’d always been there, but until you trained your mind to look for those birds, they were all but invisible to you. By the same token, you’ve been kicking your own ass for quite a while, and as a result, you’re really damn good at spotting your faults, but could walk right by one of your many positive attributes and not even recognize it.
Maybe It Has Just Become Easier To See The Negative?
And Once Seen, I Tend To Shy Away…
…Or I Begin Concocting My Latest Scheme For Ridding Myself Of Whomever It Is.
I Don’t Know, RK.
And I Do Have To Fake Emotions.
At Least The Positive Ones.
I Just Don’t Feel Them As Others Do.
Maybe You’re Right.
Maybe I Have Trained Myself To Overlook Anything Positive.
Maybe I’ve Trained Myself To Spot The Negative And Look No Further.
As I Said…
…I Don’t Know.
Sometimes, I Feel Nothing But Contempt.
Sometimes, I Feel Nothing But Pity.
Sometimes, I Feel Nothing.
What Does That Say, Dude?
I can’t honestly say Brad. I look for unbroken peeps because I am myself broken. But as a friend? I think you’re a great person–I want to know you better, even! As usual, a look inside most of us are afraid to take. Great post. You are brave in your self-awareness.
You’re Pretty Wonderful, Yourself.
You’ve Been A Good Friend To Me, And I Hope I’m Treating You Well In Kind.
I Want To Know You Better, Also.
And I Don’t See Myself As Brave.
Just LOST And VOCAL.
But Thank You For Trying To Understand Me.
It’s More Than A Lot Are Willing To Do.