Sometimes…
…Even A Simple Line…
…From A Film…
…Or A Book…
…Or A Song…
…Can Scream At You So So Loudly.
Loud Enough To Help Get The Home-Fires Burning Again.
For Me…
…Hearing That Simple Line…
…From That Favorite Film…
…Really Summed-Up These Past Two-Weeks.
My Little World Has Been A Bit…
…Hmm…
…Out-Of-Sorts?…
…I Suppose?
Things I’ve Not Had To Deal With…
…For A Very Long While…
…Have Been Resurfacing Of Late.
Mental AND Physical Issues…
…I Was So So Sure Were Part Of My Past…
…Have Started Sneaking-Up On Me…
…Biting Me In The Ass…
…And Assuring Me They’re Still Very…
…VERY Real.
… … …
It’s Been Two-Weeks Now…
…Since My Left-Leg Started Going Numb.
I…
…Along With My Family…
…My Friends…
…And My Doctors…
…Continue To Hope It’s Something Very Simple…
…Like A Potentially Pinched-Nerve.
The Longer It Goes On, Tho…
…The Less-Likely That Possibility Becomes.
Having Yet Another Seizure This Past Week…
…Has Pushed Me Deeper-And-Deeper…
…Into A Mental State I’m TOTALLY Unfamiliar With.
… … …
And Now…
…For You…
…My Friends…
…My Family…
…My Peeps…
…I’m Going To Admit Something To Y’all…
…Something The Bulk Of You Have NEVER Heard Me Say.
However…
…I Truly Feel I’d Be Doing Us ALL A Great Disservice…
…By Bottling This Up And Attempting To Carry Onward.
I’m Scared, Y’all.
In Fact, I’m MORE Scared Than I’ve EVER Been…
…In Regard To Anything…
…At Any Point In My 30+Years On Earth.
I Mean, YES…
…YES, I’ve Dealt With Personal Fears.
I’ve Dealt With Personal Hardships.
I’ve Dealt With Personal Inconveniences.
I’ve Dealt With Personal Setbacks.
And Plenty Of Personal Failures.
It’s Simply That…
…THIS TIME…
…THIS SITUATION…
…THESE CIRCUMSTANCES…
…Continue To Pop-Up…
…Continue To Slap-Me-In-The-Face…
…And Continue To Remind Me In The Harshest Ways…
…That I Am NOT The Bright-Intelligent-Underachiever I’ve Prided Myself As Being For So So Many Years.
I’m Now A Man…
…A Man In His 30s…
…Who’s Watching His Life…
…Both Internal AND External…
…Slowly AND Quickly Collapse Around Him.
The People I Respect Most…
…Or Care-About Most…
…Are Now In The Latter-Stages Of Their Existence.
The Nuggets Of Wisdom They Used To Impart To Me…
…Especially In My Most Dire-Moments-Of-Need…
…Have All But Faded Into History.
So The Few Few Folks I’ve Always Come To In Those Moments Of Need…
…Are Quickly Becoming Incapable Of Expressing The Nuggets Of Wisdom I Seek.
It’s NOT…
…In ANY Way-Shape-Or-Form…
…Easy For Me To Admit This…
…But I’m Finding I NEED/MUST-HAVE Their Guidance.
And I NEED/MUST-HAVE It More So Than I Ever Have…
…EVER EVER EVER.
Life…
…As I’d Always Hoped…
…Would Become Easier And Easier To Grapple-With…
…To Come-To-Terms-With…
…To Manipulate More And More…
…All In The Name Of “PERSONAL PROGRESS”….
…Whether The End-Result Were Positive Or Negative.
The Sad (and quite disheartening) Truth Of The Matter…
…However…
…Is The Approach Was NOT The Main Issue.
Far From It, Actually.
The Main Issue…
…The One “Common-Element”…
…The Classic “Unknown-Variable” Throughout…
…Is ME.
I Am…
…MY “Common-Element”…
…MY “Unknown-Variable”…
…MY “Loose-Cannon”…
…MY “Messy-Contradiction”…
…MY “Best-Friend”…
…MY “Worst-Enemy”…
…MY “Greatest-Supporter”…
…MY “Harshest-Critic”…
…And On And On And On.
In The End…
…Everything Leads Back To Moi.
I’ve Dealt With Physical Illness.
I’ve Dealt With Mental Illness.
And In All Instances…
…I’ve Emerged As A Stronger…
…More Focused…
…More Determined Individual.
For Those Of You Who Have Known Me Longest…
…I Know You Can Easily Back-Me-Up On This.
Shit Happens…
…I Swallow What Of It I Must…
…I Sling About What Of It I Feel I Must…
…And I Carry-On.
I’ve (nearly) Proved Myself As Being A Rather Resilient Individual…
…For The Most Part.
… … …
So What Is It About That Line…
–“I Guess Some Mistakes You Never Stop Paying For.”–
…That Continues To Resonate With Me…
…And Does So In Such A Profound Way???
After Lengthy Periods Of Thought…
…Contemplation…
…Trial And Error…
…Attempt Upon Attempt Upon Attempt…
…The Answer I Continue To Come Back To…
…Honestly…
…Seems Almost TOO Simple.
I Know Every Living Creature…
…Throughout The Course Of Existence…
…Has Made A Mistake…
…Or Two…
…Or Three…
…Or Two-Million…
…Or Three-Million.
Mistakes Happen.
They Are Inevitable.
We May Hate Them With A Passion…
…But We ALL Know They Do Turn-Up From Time-To-Time.
And The Mistakes-Themselves Are RARELY The Big Issue.
The Issues…
…As You Know…
…Come Not From Our Mistakes…
…But From The Life We Live With AFTER The Mistakes.
That.
That Right There.
That’s MY Snag…
…MY Hitch…
…MY On-Going…
…MY Never-Ending FAILING.
I Live My Life…
…In Nearly All Instances…
…On PURE-IMPULSE.
I Take My Chances NOW…
…Knowing Ahead Of Time What The Potential-Consequences May Be.
If It Does Work In My Favor…
…So Be It.
I Reap My Minor-Rewards…
…And I Carry-On.
If It Does NOT Work In My Favor…
…So Be It.
I Attempt To Find What “Silver-lining” I Can Salvage…
…And I Carry-On.
It’s Not The Best-Way For One To Live Their Life.
It’s Simply How I’ve ALWAYS Lived Mine.
And Now…
…Sadly…
…That Way Of Life Appears To Be Catching-Up With Me.
Some People Think Me Brilliant.
Some People Think Me Psychotic.
Some People Think Me Tender And Loving.
Some People Choose Not To Think Of Me, Period.
There Really Are Only A Few Terms Handed Out…
…In Regard To Myself…
…That MOST People Can Agree On.
Bradley Is Unpredictable.
Bradley Is Moody.
Bradley Is Odd and/or Strange.
Bradley Has No Faith.
Bradley Is Both Envious AND Disgusted By Those Who DO Have Faith.
Bradley Thrives On Contradiction.
Bradley Thrives On Conflict.
Bradley DOES Believe In Karma.
Bradley Belongs In A Padded-Room.
Bradley Puts Those He Loves ABOVE All Else…
…Even When Those He Loves Do NOT Love Him In Return.
… … …
I’ve Made My Mistakes.
I’ve Made MORE Than My Fair-Share Of Mistakes.
And Now…
…The “Mistake-Reaper” Has Decided To Come Collecting.
I Just Hope Said “Mistake-Reaper” Leaves Me Be…
…At Least…
…Long Enough To Finish Those Tasks I’ve Already Set-In-Motion.
I’m Down A Leg, Now…
…And Never Know When Another Seizure May Strike-Me-Down.
I WAS Simply Being Me…
…When I Said I’m Unpredictable…
…Except…
…Now I’m Even Unpredictable To MYSELF.
… … …
I Really Would LOVE LOVE LOVE To Lead A Regular…
…Normal…
…Simple…
…Happy Life.
And I Do KNOW KNOW KNOW That’s TOTALLY TOTALLY TOTALLY…
…Out-Of-Reach.
I’m Haunted By Recurring Images…
…Both While Awake AND Asleep.
I Know I’ve Done Some Truly-Amazing-Things In My Life…
…And I’ve Done Some Horridly-Evil-Things, Also.
And I DO NOT Believe In Begging Forgiveness…
…From Anyone…
…Or Anything.
… … …
So…
…To Y’all…
…My Family, My Friends, My Peeps…
…I’ve Decided To End This Bloggin’ing…
…The Same Way I Began It.
In The Film…
“THE NATURAL”
…A Comment Is Made By The Character Iris To Roy Hobbs…
…About How We Really Have TWO-Lives.
Roy Wants To Know What She Means.
Iris Calmly Replies…
–“The Life We Learn With, And The Life We Live With After That.”–
That Line…
…Honestly AND Truly…
…Makes ALL THE SENSE IN THE WORLD To Me, Now.
–Please Rest Well Tonight, My Peeps.
Now That I’ve Broken Through My Mental/Emotional/Writers Block, Perhaps I’ll Be Able To Reclaim My Focus Once Again.
I’m Sorry I’ve Been Away From Y’all So Long.
I Can Only Hope The Coming Days, Weeks, Months, Years, etc etc, Won’t Weigh So Heavily On BOTH My Mind AND My Heart.
It Does Feel Rather Amazing, Honestly, To At Least Know I Can Still Put My Thoughts Down Into Words, And Then Have The Balls To Show Said Words To All Of You.
Brilliant? Crazy? Odd? Strange? Caring? Loving? Random? Unpredictable?
Hell… I’d Read That–
😉
"You Jivin' Me, Turkey?" 